Young Wife, Older Husband, Mismatched Drives

Had an email from a young wife struggling with having less sex than she wants in her marriage. She’s 27 and he’s 47. He’s a little defensive if she initiates sex and has some oral medication controlled diabetes and a complicating issue. Everything was going good until he slowed right down after the wedding…
Hi there,
27 and 47 is a huge age gap and a large part of your difficulty is just the age difference. You’re in your prime sexual years and he’s starting to wind down. Most men have a drop in sexual interest and ability starting after age 40. This is an issue that simply will not go away with time, but will in fact intensify. Imagine you at age 40 and him at 60 for example – should his diabetes progress badly over the next 13 years, he may not be capable of much at all sexually by age 60.
In many of these relationships the younger member leaves or strays, or the older one beats them to the punch and kicks out the younger one. That doesn’t sound rational, but it’s typically less painful to get mad and create a reason to kick out a partner, than to be dumped by them.
I think you have to have a very frank discussion with your husband about the situation. He may have even married you with the expectation that he would never be able to keep you, but married you for “as long as it lasts” and expecting to have his heart broken at the end of it all. I suspect he’s just crazy about you and is very frustrated about his body not being as co-operative as he would like sexually. He probably wants to want have sex with you lots, but he’s 47, so it may not always happen like he wants it too.
There are two things you can do for solutions. The first is that he needs to pay very close attention to his physical health and fitness. This is both for the diabetes management (which as I’m sure you know has a multitude of health concerns) but also because ultimately sex is about two bodies coming together physically. The healthier he is, the better his sexual function will be. There’s also a whole chapter devoted to male physical/sexual health in the book and that’s his number one area of work.
The other thing is to have you both accept that your sex drive is significantly higher than his and that it is not something that will ever resolve. It is quite possible to have experiences together where you are brought to orgasm and he doesn’t have to be. He can even be quite dominant to the point of bossiness if that turns you on, without needing to progress to him own orgasm. (My hunch is that being 27 married to a 47 year old, you are turned on by the power differential between you.)
By relieving the requirement for him to orgasm with every sexual experience, that allows him to be more sexual with you. If say he’s really only capable of two ejaculations a week, trying to have sex four times a week is going to result in at least two experiences of very embarrassing inability to get erect or come to orgasm. Most men find even an occasionally impotent reaction humiliating, even if causes are extremely clear and temporary (say extreme exhaustion + a few too many drinks). So by being open and removing that as a requirement, he is freed up to be sexual and play with you. He can get a great deal of enjoyment from your sexual reaction as well. There’s a lot of potential to mine the whole ability for him to tease and deny you his orgasm – simply because you’ve sucked him or been in your vagina, doesn’t mean he has to ejaculate unless he wants to… even if you are begging for it.
For an older husband with a younger wife, it’s really no different than owning a dog. A dog cooped up in the house all day is going to get cranky, bored and unfit, or you have to take it for frequent walks to keep the dog in shape and happy. Some days you can walk around the neighborhood together and both get a good walk in and both be happy. Some days you can drive to the park and the owner can stand still and toss tennis balls or a stick and have the dog go running after them and bring them back. Multiple times even (wink). That way the owner doesn’t have too work too hard but the dog gets a great workout and loves the owner paying attention. So they’re both happy.
And no you’re not a actual dog, and no he’s not your actual owner… it’s a metaphor. I just think you’d like the extra attention and being made to play “fetch” once in a while. And he’d be less worried about you wandering off somewhere at some random point in the future.
 

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Comments

  1. Miles Anderson says:

    Have you seen http://www.bulletproofexec.com/tedxsf-nicole-daedone-hacks-the-female-orgasm/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+bulletproofexec+%28Bulletproof+Executive%29

    I remembered it from Tim F's book but it had gotten lost in a lot of other good Ferriss stuff until recently. I havn't tried it out yet but it might be an idea for somebody to use to extend their ability. I think saying "I have control of you and this is what we are doing for 15 minutes" while getting her off would be the right frame. You would have to be careful to not do it in exchange for a sexual favor. This is the lord of the manor taking care of business. Not a beggar hoping his best trick will get him a scrap.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Athol,

    You're behind the curve with regards to health and fitness. You need to discover the PaleoSphere and read up on all the info orienting around Paleo Nutrition.

    There is no reason for a 47 year old man to slow down sexually and lose his sex drive. That's pure garbage. Only if he eats modern industrial foods and doesn't lift heavy weights intelligently should he decline. Being that this man is a diabetic, its guaranteed that he is part of the high-refined-carb, fat-phobic, treadmill culture.

    Google up Art Devany and see what he looks like at 73. Google up Mark Sisson and see what he looks like at 58. My cousin is 45 and he has been eating Paleo and training high intensity weight lifting for 7 years now. He's 7% body fat with a body that could be on the cover of a magazine. He has a girlfriend 16 years younger than him and they have sex 2 or 3 times a day. He tells me he gets better and bigger erections than he got in his twenties largely because he has such super circulation because of his diet and training (and intermittent fasting which is something else you need to read up on) which has improved his blood circulation tremendously.

    I'll end by saying this: if a man wants a woman 20 years younger than himself than he better be committed to staying in Jack LaLane type shape. This is very doable BUT you have to know how to eat and how to train and how to supplement. What this means is that YOU HAVE TO IGNORE THE MAINSTREAM on just about everything relating to diet and training because THEY ARE ALMOST ALWAYS WRONG!!

    D.B.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Also, Google up Art Devany and "Super Mike" and see what this 58 year old looks like by eating Paleo and lifting heavy weights H.I.T. style. Super Mike has a body that puts 95% of 25 year olds to shame.

    Bottom line: a man can keep his sexual potency into his late 70s if he knows how.

    D.B.

  4. Looking Glass says:

    As a mild counter-point to D.B. here, take the Paleo folks with a grain of salt. They have a bad tendency of falling into the conspiracy theory type of thinking when it comes to mainstream nutrition. [What takes 50 years to cause you problems can in no way be considered, nor should it, as "toxic"]

    They do have a point, though, and they're far more willing to actually look at what is going on in the medical literature than most anyone actually trained in the field. They're also willing to actually discuss the tradeoffs about diet & exercise that most mainstream voices are simply unwilling to discuss.

    That being said, for the normal person that has put on a good chunk of weight since age 20, the Paleo Diet should work wonders to take the pounds off but it does require work. I'd highly recommend Marten's work here: http://www.leangains.com/ ; it's a great site and he's not actually selling anything (he'll finish his book… some day). He's got all of the information in blog posts going back and he straight up links you to the medical journal articles and discusses them. (You'll never find pretty much anyone else ever willing to do that, trust me)

    As to the original topic at hand, I really don't have a lot of information on the topic for discussion, so I can't add anything too helpful in that department. I can speak to some basic suggestions, though, on the diet end (and this is where the Paleo for a Diabetic can become an issue).

    -
    - Learn to like adding supplements to your diet
    - If he's Type 1, make sure his will is up to date
    - If he's Type 2, Throw all of the carbs out of the house and get to researching on a lot of the supplemental issues around diabetes. Type 2, depending on how long he's had it, is very treatable (in some rare cases, actually reversible), it's a matter of being willing to do it.

    There's tons of Medical information out there, it just takes the willingness to figure out the details. Like the reasons why http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benfotiamine has a place for Diabetes, but you can't just blindly take stuff and hope for the best. Knowledge is Power when dealing with this stuff.

  5. Looking Glass says:

    Since this came up, this does pertain to the discussion in the comments:

    http://medicalxpress.com/news/2011-06-older-age-testosterone-decline-healthy.html

    Age doesn't actually have much of a factor on testosterone production, but general health does.

  6. Anonymous says:

    This is what I love about your blog. You're looking at ways to make both spouses happy.

    I've lost count of the times I've heard older, "wiser" married women advising their younger counterparts to just accept that the husband will set the frequency. Even if the wife is chewing the table with frustration. That has to be the worst advice I can think of, and it's one of the reasons I generally tune them out, especially if they're divorced.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I am in my mid-40's and have noticed a slight slow-down in my sex drive. I think it is not just physiology, but also work pressure that puts my mind on other things. My 10-years-younger wife had a little frustration that I was not initiating sex more frequently. The solution was for her to initiate sex whenever she wanted it. At the beginning she was very hesitant to do so because she greatly feared rejection. Later on, she discovered that whenever she initiated, I always responded with an immediate erection and was able to climax. She got what she wanted, and it took pressure off of me because I didn't always have to work to mentally prepare myself for sex but instead could simply let my body naturally respond to what she started.

  8. Pickle says:

    I Was also going to make the Paleo suggestion. I am 27 and my husband is 49, there is no issue in my house, I struggle to keep up with him.

    We started the Paleo diet about 12 weeks ago and started monitoring his blood sugar because we noticed weight gain and overall feeling bad. It's changed both our lives quiet dramatically.

    I think our diet is going to be a serious key factor in his long term health as well as mine. And we have both lost weight to boot!

  9. Anonymous says:

    I am 42, and Hubby is 56, married 21 years. So far this week we've had sex five times.

    I agree with what Anon @ 8:46 had to say..I think mental pressures from work etc. tend to get on my husband's mind, therefore I do a lot of the initiating.

    Yeah I'm 42, but I would put my sex rank at a solid 8 or 9, and…I think older men are the BEST!

  10. Anonymous says:

    I'm a 44-year-old man who was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes five years ago, and I have experienced many of the difficulties the 47-year-old man is having. It can be a marriage-killer, and nearly was for us. "Blue pills" are a partial solution, but are not without side effects.

    Recently, though, I threw away a half bottle of them, unused, expired. I don't need them anymore. I'm not 100% sure why, but I'm fairly sure it came about as a result of taking up weight-lifting. That, plus cardio, builds up both testosterone and endurance.

    Along with the paleo diet (never tried, will look into it), he should check out stronglifts.com, an excellent beginner's program for strength training. A vigorous exercise program is a vital part of diabetes management, to say nothing of it's other … benefits.

  11. Looking Glass says:

    Okay, looks like my first comment from yesterday got eaten. Drat. Anyway, a quick rejoinder to D.B.'s posts.

    Paleo can work really well for people that've put on weight past age 20. It won't work too well for a type 2 Diabetic. There's still a heavy starch aspect to the Paleo diet, and type 2 is all about limiting all of the carbs. (Your body has become resistant to the insulin)

    The main thing with type 2 is to eliminate all of the carbs, get on a solid lifting program (cardo actually could be very bad for type 2, lifting is the way to go) and give yourself a massive education in effective supplementation. There's stuff out there that helps, but like most things, there are risks and tradeoffs that come with it. (stuff like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benfotiamine for instance; but there's tradeoffs, this isn't a "just take this" type suggestion; you've gotta teach yourself what's going on because no one else will)

    So, there's always ways to deal with things, it's just a matter of being willing to get the information to do it.

    As to the initial point of this post, I can't offer too much, but to say that actual communication solves most of these issues. Just getting to the point you can communicate about something very embarrassing to oneself is just very hard.

  12. Anonymous says:

    You don't see this problem as much with younger men married to older women. I wonder why that is.

  13. Athol Kay says:

    Looking Glass – hauled it out of the spambox.

  14. Looking Glass says:

    Thanks Athol. Blogger & WordPress have both been doing this "blackhole" thing with posts if, in Chrome, I tab over while typing them. I've just gotten used to retyping them already, hehe. (They don't even hit the spam filter, they just vanish; but thanks for restoring that one)

  15. Badger says:

    "There's still a heavy starch aspect to the Paleo diet"

    ???

    I've never seen a serious paleo dietician advocate for starches. Greens yes, maybe the occasional rice, but pasta, potatoes, bread? No way.

  16. We You Net says:

    Hey Vegan diet is good to for long term health. You are what you eat, and plants tend to get better treatment than food-animals.
    Salads of green leafy vegetables are probably the most important addition.
    Lentils and beans for protein,
    nuts and seeds for fats.
    Also if you'd like some of that sexy twist, there are plenty of plant aphrodisiacs, a particularly potent one is Devil's Dung or Asfoetida named after it's potent smell.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Us 47 year olds are highly offended! I am 47, keep in good shape, pound my 42 year old wife like a jackhammer and pull the attention of twenty-year olds. Its all about keeping fit and eating right. Looking forward to many more years of the same. Get off the couch, eat right, live right and enjoy that 27 year old tookie, damnit! I love my wife, but Jeez, what I wouldn’t do for some 27 year old mogambo if I had a “go ahead, go get some pass.” Put down the twinkie and eat something that looks like it grew on a plant or walked on four legs. Do it. Now.

  18. Looking Glass says:

    @ We You Net:

    A large portion of the population cannot survive on a Vegan diet. The stress generally placed on the Thyroid can be extreme (unless you avoid all Soy & Flax, but that's hard). So while going that way can have its benefits, it's not without its risks or is necessarily good for people.

  19. Anonymous says:

    "Yeah I'm 42, but I would put my sex rank at a solid 8 or 9, and…I think older men are the BEST!" June 26th '11

    You're a liar. Older men are awful in bed, just awful. How often do you hear women online complaining about not getting sex from younger men? Almost never. Yet the internet is choked with pathetic articles like this about how dismal the sex is with older men. I tried an older man and it was the biggest waste of 5 minutes I've ever experienced. But I wanted to give them another shot. Didn't want to be a hater. So the next one lasted around 10 minutes, if that. Horrible sex, out of shape, middle-aged men. I won't go out with them anymore (romantically). We can just be friends. A person can learn from "some" older men. They seem patient, wise, and so on. But I won't get involved with them romantically/sexually again, they can be patient and wise "friends" and nothing more.

  20. Viagra Online without prescription says:

    I think that they can reach to an agreement to make thing work better. I don't think that it is something hard to accomplish.

  21. @Pickle, you said you are 27 struggling to keep up with your 49 yr old husband’s sex drive? I’m sorry but something is wrong with you and you need to get yourself checked out by a doctor. Either that or you are an older man posting as a younger woman because I don’t believe you. I have experienced men your age-totally different men in regular shape- and the sex was horrendous because they just didn’t have the stamina to satisfy me. When I keep hearing how great the sex is with men this age, my experiences show me something else entirely. Where is all this mythical great sex??? furthermore, men this age seem to have developed boobs! Not sexy. Not desirable.

    To the poster of this article, in the first line of the last paragraph you said “For an older man, dating a younger woman is like having a dog….” I really didn’t care for the analogy. And ‘older men’ are not attractive enough to call anybody a dog. I mean, older men haven’t turned my head at all. Those I had experiences with were nothing more than “experiments” to see if the “older guy sex myth” had any validity to it. It didn’t. Also, now that I’m pretty much a caregiver for my very aged grandfather, I don’t want to get stuck with a much older man -not in a marriage anyway, and not in a relationship. We can just be friends or something. That’s it.

  22. Real woman says:

    Anonymous says:
    July 1, 2011 at 6:39 pm
    “Us 47 year olds are highly offended! I am 47, keep in good shape, pound my 42 year old wife like a jackhammer and pull the attention of twenty-year olds. Its all about keeping fit and eating right. Looking forward to many more years of the same. Get off the couch, eat right, live right and enjoy that 27 year old tookie, damnit! I love my wife, but Jeez, what I wouldn’t do for some 27 year old mogambo if I had a “go ahead, go get some pass.” Put down the twinkie and eat something that looks like it grew on a plant or walked on four legs. Do it. Now”

    @Anonymous, This is another thing I don’t care for in ‘older men’ : all the bravado and talk. That’s all it is: cheap talk about what they are going to do and how they ‘pound young women’ in bed & how they turn heads. Then when you get behind closed doors with them, you have to masturbate by yourself to get any kind of satisfaction because ‘old stud that pounds women in bed’ can’t last but a few minutes & is tired after that. Young women promote much older men left & right & when he isn’t complain online that they can’t get anything at home. It’s sad for them but they need to keep the sexual frustrations to themselves. They will never have sex again & they need to accept it and learn how to use their own hands at 27 & 32 yrs of age. It’s so pathetic.

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