2011 July | Married Man Sex Life

Shit My Husband Says: Ocean Voyage

July 30, 2011 By Athol Kay 19 Comments

I’m exhausted to the point of falling asleep on the couch and gently prodded awake by Athol after sleeping for who knows how long. I edit last nights post as best my sleepy brain can and we head off to bed…

Athol: You look beat, you want to skip?

Jennifer: No, we can do something.

Athol: You’re on the bottom, sleepy baby.

Jennifer: Yes! (I love being on the bottom)

Filed Under: Sexy Moves

A Little Ain’t Enough

July 29, 2011 By Athol Kay 27 Comments

Reader Comment: On another board I was talking to some women about men they had good sex lives with vs. bad and they commented how with the good sex lives, the guys ‘had to have it’. But the guys they kept miserable, they perceived to have lower sex drives.

Athol: I think there’s something to that too. Basically the higher drive guys are likely to have higher drive offspring, and thereby the woman stands to gain a better gene transmission. A high sex drive is sexy in and of itself.

I have a crazy high sex drive and that triggers Jennifer’s drive a great deal. It’s not like I need to threaten I’d cheat on her if she doesn’t put out or anything close to it. My entire personality starts to change the longer we go between having sex together. I become increasingly “touchy feely” as the time passes.

If she’s sick etc and I can see a clear and reasonable explanation for not wanting sex with me, that’s fine. But there’s no way I could just lie next to her for nights on end not having sex; cutting me off from sex for no good reason would just have natural consequences that we both acknowledge. If nothing else I have trouble falling asleep at night without having sex.

So cultivating the appearance of being someone that wants and likes sex and is naturally a higher sex drive is a good thing. That’s also one of the reasons I’m so keen to see guys running The MAP get in shape. It both increases your sex drive and is the perfect justification for having an increased sex drive. “Wow honey, since I’ve gotten in shape, I’ve just felt so damn horny.”

Taking it up to Diamond Dave levels is slight overkill, but adding a little of the attitude wouldn’t be a bad thing.

Also semen contains testosterone and that triggers the female sex drive as well. Keep them topped up.

Filed Under: Sexy Moves

Another Man Moves In And Works The L-Spot…

July 29, 2011 By Athol Kay 4 Comments

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post “Work The L-Spot: She Will Beg You For More“:

About a year ago another man moved in on my wife and nailed the L-Spot. This was hard for me, especially because years ago I was real good on the L-Spot, or so I thought (and we’re still married and together, so this gets interesting.) But despite my best efforts she didn’t like me doing it — the wash, that is. Soon the dryer was full and clothes in the washer were getting musty because other work had to be done. Then one day I spattered bleach. That ended it. No more L-Spot for me. Banished.

So how did this other man move in and provide glee and pure delight in my wife’s L-Spot? Simple: He developed a genuine desire for it, rooted in curiosity and a can-do attitude, celebrating the accomplishment every dang time: Empty the dryer, then load wets into the dryer, and then dirties into the washer. Get the machines going and help fold the clean. He was actually crushed when the laundry was caught up!

And there was no way I could stop this man: He’s my (at the time) two-and-a-half year old son. 30 months old, doing the wash (with a little bit of help). So I just stick to doing dishes and washing down the kitchen counters, cabinets, etc. every night. It doesn’t do a dang thing for my sex life, but I do have the satisfaction of knowing she’s happier.

Now I just gotta get this three year old to stop nagging me about my clothes strewn around the bathroom. Crimony.

- Jc

PS: Guys, do not figure out or learn how to fold clothes; let your woman teach you how she wants it done.
PPS: And don’t forget to pump iron: Do your own shirts and pants.

Athol: Too cute! Good writing is good writing.

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else, Sexy Moves

Did MMSL Propel You Into A Divorce?

July 28, 2011 By Athol Kay 64 Comments

I’m getting tired of being labeled as always having my finger hovering over the divorce button. Divorce is nasty but a required item in your tool set, but it’s not like I’m in a rush to just throw a marriage on the ground. One of the things that those who have only read parts of the blog and not The Primer seem to misunderstand, is just how long it takes to work through The MAP successfully. It’s more like a marathon than a sprint.

The Timeline spelled out Chapter 16 covers seven distinct phases of action in running The MAP. Each of the first three phases can take anywhere from three months to a year to work through depending on how you are in comparison to her Sex Rank. The fifth phase can take just as long as well. The ultimatum doesn’t even happen until the sixth phase… assuming you even need to get that far.

By controlling the approach to fixing your intolerable problem, and slowly changing yourself / turning up the heat, the other spouse usually changes for the better well in advance of ever needing a divorce ultimatum.

In fact, I’m not sure I even remember getting a reader email that said they had gotten as far as the divorce ultimatum. Most all reader email tells me that it worked quickly and the wives were responsive by Phase Three or Four. A small percentage did have wives that filed for divorce or left for the other man, but they were usually in a very rough starting place to begin with.

So I’m curious. Has anyone that has run The MAP ever gotten as far as needing the divorce ultimatum to wake his wife up to the seriousness of the the situation? How far did you need to get to in the Timeline before seeing real results?

(And no I’m not going to spell out the Timeline on the blog. Not ever. I have a crap ton of free content and I have to hold something back. Buy the damn book.)

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity

Monogamy Can Be A Calculated Sexual Strategy

July 27, 2011 By Athol Kay 26 Comments

Reader Question: I’m not sure I have a specific question for you, so much as a general topic. How do you deal with random other men in your spouses life and what are the appropriate reactions? I don’t mean male friends… we don’t believe in that. Rather, I’m talking about the randomly assigned project partner or the TA in her graduate class; the occasional substitute yoga teacher; basically any man that she cannot avoid, but isn’t going to be a complete stranger either.

I try my best to be aware of it all, without ever tipping my hand and asking too obviously. Should I just not worry about it at all? Is there a specific way to handle it that you’d recommend? What are your thoughts on these types of unavoidable situations?

For background (although I would assume this question can also be answered more generally for everyone), we’re newly married (less than a year). She’s naturally friendly and outgoing, which sometimes bothers/worries me around strangers, but she also comes from a traditional family, is a first generation American, and cooks/cleans/runs errands since I work. I have a good job, and almost certainly have a higher sex rank than her by a point or two, but had almost no success with women before her despite being handsome and smart because of a lack of confidence with girls (I didn’t discover ‘game’ until after we began dating). I was her first sex partner and she might as well have been mine (I had a handful of one night stands that I look back on with shame due to awkwardness and poor performance), and there’s plenty of passion in the bedroom.

Athol: You don’t have anything to worry about with these guys.

Also it’s impossible to police her over incidental interaction with other men and trying to will start to be viewed as controlling and needy. Speaking of The Police, how creepy is this song?

The defense against incidental contact becoming something more, is you maintaining a good Sex Rank and her being sexually moral/conservative – and it sounds like she is.

Reader Reply: That’s what I figured, but the confirmation from you is helpful.

Athol: I didn’t go into the exact reason in my exchange why this is so, but I’ll extend it now. Monogamy is as I’ve said many times before, a sexual strategy. We are all wired for the possibility of opportunistic sex outside of our primary relationship partner. The shorthand for such sex is usually ”EPC” for “Extra-Pair Copulation”.

Because we all invest a lot of time and energy into our primary relationship, and we would like our primary partner to remain faithful to us, most people in relationships typically advance the default position of monogamy as being a good thing and their moral viewpoint as well as their personal preference. While this is not exactly a lie, it is a bit of relationship spin control.

However before one breaks away from the actual practice of monogamy and actually has an EPC rather than just idly dreaming about one, there is a serious weighing up of the risks involved before going ahead with it. The people that say “it just happened” are full of it… it never “just happens”, the feelings may just happen, but actual action to do it always is decided on with the deliberation of a chess move. The EPC always risks some form of discovery and potential loss of the primary relationship.

So for our couple in question, let’s take his claim he is two points higher than her at face value and say she is a 6 and he is an 8. For her to benefit from an EPC and do better than an 8, she’s got to pull the interest of a 9 or a 10. That’s going to take a fair bit of work to pull off and very likely she will tip her hand that she’s trying to EPC with someone. That of course would risk her relationship with her 8 husband, who is frankly already a far better primary partner than she deserves or could ever hope to replace. So the risk/benefit decision strongly suggests that she not try and find an EPC.

The majority of men she will have incidental contact with will be in the 4-8 range anyway. So none of them are actually better than her husband. So it is essentially convenient and efficient that she simply have an enjoyable day and come home to her husband for her sexual needs.

The other thing is that she is sexually conservative by nature/upbringing, so when she makes a risk/benefit decision about having an EPC, she weights her decision toward the staying monogamous option. Or in other words, a male 9 asking for a quick fling with a female 6 (who has a male 8 partner) is going to have a reasonable chance at succeeding. But if the female 6 is sexually conservative, she is far less likely to crack for a 9. She might crack for a full male 10, but that’s very likely a moot point as male 10′s have to be having a slow day to take the time out for a female 6.

So a sexually conservative female 6 paired with a male 8, is going to have an extremely high likelihood of staying faithful – even if offered discrete sexual opportunity. The one thing that could screw it all up though, is excessive mate guarding behavior where the male 8 acts like a male 4 or 5 and hovers around her trying to intercept every other male approaching her for sexual reasons or not. Acting like you’re on the verge of losing her will make her start to think that she is the hotter half of the couple… and therefore could do better.

So if you are truly hotter than her, just relax and be yourself. It’s rational for her that she stays faithful to you. For her the monogamy sexual strategy is a winning plan. After all, she’s a female 6 that landed a permanent 8, so that totally rocks for her. Though of course she’ll just call it being in love and being a moral person…

…which is also true. So enjoy it.

So back to our reader asking the question. She’s probably so playfully chatty and “up” with the whole world because she can’t stop thinking about you… cue her theme song.

(Now don’t screw it up with her.)

As as aside, my orginial idea for the post title was “Fuck The Police, Get Her Stoned”. I thought it was a clever teaser and tied into the bands in the videos as a faux defense. Jennifer just kept saying “dude, dude, dude” over and over, both laughing and appalled all in one. Anyway… I thought it was cool but I’ll defer to Jennifer’s judgment on this one and make no mention of it. Oh…

Filed Under: Monogamy and Marriage 2.0

Functional, Productive and Happy

July 26, 2011 By Athol Kay 11 Comments

It probably sounds dull, but on the heels of the replacement fridge, (Athol +1) I finally got around to putting in a new faucet for the kitchen sink. The damn thing had been dripping for ages unless you jiggled the handle just right, and it was progressively taking more jiggling. The kids never got the knack and I’d come into the kitchen and find a slow but steady stream of water flowing. It would kinda piss me off, but I never made an issue of it because it just really needed replacing.

Doing anything plumbing related comes with the terror that you will somehow screw it up and many things that should stay dry will get very, very wet in a very short space of time. As it was, it went pretty smoothly and I feel silly for having waited so long. (Athol +1)

I also put together the little grill we collected last weekend. (Athol +1)

Filed Under: Captain and First Officer, Sexy Moves

You Don’t Have To Fall To The Dark Side, Just Be A Scoundrel

July 25, 2011 By Athol Kay 31 Comments

A couple more reviews and some thoughts about the interaction of Game and religion…

Mormon Men – On top of his advice, Athol writes in a manner that takes a lot of the venom and vitriol out of the mansosphere/Game/anti-feminism blogs. There is an eyes-wide-open exposure to the weaknesses and strengths of both men and women, but it is approached with the attitude of this being natural programming and not something that should be resented or cured. Men can work on themselves and women can work on themselves.

Good Strong Men – In general, I’m glad I read it, but I found myself wishing there were a book with similar concepts, but oriented for Christian values and a stronger commitment to marriage and children. I’m tempted to write one.

Mormon Men had a few comments reflecting worry about who should read it and the same concern is essentially woven into the entire review on Good Strong Men.

I know I frustrate some of my more religious readers in that I am perceived as ”that close” to a standard evangelical Christian position on sexuality, but I advocate an utterly pragmatic secular approach to getting the relationship you want. I offer all these good ideas and insights, but there’s this darkside undertone to everything. To a believer struggling for marriage answers, I’m sure my advice sounds a little like this…

Hmmm… Yes and no.

No in that Palpatine is actively setting Anakin up to turn into a tool of evil. All I’m trying to do is get you laid by your wife and have a happy family life – and get paid a couple bucks for doing so. That’s the smoking gun. Follow the money. Awww you caught me!

Yes in that I think you’ve been lied to about a great many things about how sexual relationships work. Simply because a lie is given a religious reason for it’s existence, doesn’t mean it’s now the truth. Dig into things and come to your own conclusions. To be blunt I see as much sexual pain and suffering inside the church as outside of it. It’s for different reasons, but it’s still there.

And yes in that some of what I suggest is pretty harsh things to do from a Christian perspective. I don’t advise them because I get off on them being sinful, I advise them because they are effective. When it comes to saving a marriage and keeping a family together, I’ll lean toward the end justifying the means. I’ll suggest a Black Op if that’s the only way to get the job done to win the war. Though I prefer not to if I can.

In short, some of what I suggest just isn’t very nice. But then if being nice all the time was working out, you wouldn’t be here would you.

Search your feelings… you know this to be true…

Actually… if you want proper Game Star Wars advice, screw the whole Jedi/Sith thing. Han Solo is where it’s at.

Note the way he uses her “bad word” for him in the conversation. That’s her wetness trigger word. Pure gold.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits

You Can’t Fix Stupid

July 24, 2011 By Athol Kay 3 Comments

Something to add to the “How to chose a wife” list.

I kept thinking Ron White is going to die at any minute though.

Filed Under: How To Choose A Wife

The Fine Line Between Waiting For The Wedding And Being A Chump

July 24, 2011 By Athol Kay 36 Comments

Very long email shortened to: Mid twenties couple, dating for three years, with a wedding supposedly on the cards two years from now. Conservative religious backgrounds. Both each other’s first sexual partner, but limited to handjobs and an occassional blow job as she wants to wait until marriage, but also told him she wanted him to push her into intercourse… but now she’s asked to stop the sexual contact completely to “see how he feels about her without the sex”, until the wedding and started amping up the Fitness Testing….

Athol: I think you both are playing mental games with thinking handjobs and blowjobs aren’t sex… they most definitely are sex and neither one of you are really virgins. As such, you have been having a sexual relationship together.

Once you see it as a sexual relationship, it starts becoming apparent that she is now starting to sexually reject you. The whole thing of seeing how you feel about her without the sexual interaction is just an excuse to not have sex with you anymore. I also wonder if it’s just taken too long for you to seduce her into full intercourse and she’s rejecting you for that reason.

I would tell her that marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship, and that right now the sexual relationship side of things just doesn’t seem to be working. If you can both move forward together then good, but if not, you should start looking for someone new.

As as aside, there is also no benefit to waiting until the wedding to have intercourse. The benefit comes from marrying your first sexual partners. Jennifer and I for example did not wait until the wedding. According to the studies I’ve read, there doesn’t seem to be any difference in marital happiness or divorce outcomes between waiting or not waiting until the wedding if you are each others first.

Partial Reader Reply: I’m may be incorrectly reading between the lines, but do you mean I should have full intercourse with her even considering her thoughts on waiting until marriage? Is it possible that she is unconsciously frustrated that I haven’t done it yet even though we could have many times? I have stopped short of it many times, mainly because I want to respect her wishes, and also because we didn’t have a condom.

Athol: I believe she is starting to test you and reject you because you haven’t had full intercourse as yet.

As far as her female Body Agenda is concerned, you’re a male that can’t get the job done despite being in a relationship with her for three years. Therefore you make a bad choice of sexual partner for her as she risks having offspring that have the same inability to get the job done as you do.

On an intellectual/religious level she is into the whole idea of waiting for marriage etc, but obviously her intellectual/religious beliefs don’t extend to her not Fitness Testing over this. She’s even told you that she wanted you to force the issue and just do it. Generally when women tell you to take sexual advantage of them and you fail to follow through, they regard you as a poor specimen of manhood.

Furthermore you are agreeing to drag this out for another two years until the wedding. I don’t believe you will get to the wedding the way things are progressing anyway. She’ll keep testing you and if you keep not getting the job done, the testing will get worse. She’ll meet someone that will get the job done and you’ll be dumped like yesterday’s newspaper.

I realize all this sounds immoral to wait-until-marriage ears, but the fact is you’re already in a sexual relationship with each other. You’re just doing it really badly.

So either get it together properly or call it quits. If your anniversary is coming up, a slightly sappy way of doing it is to announce that you are booking a hotel room for a night/weekend away to make “the first real time more special and memorable, and to set a wedding date.” A more Alpha way is simply to text her that you have condoms and want her to come over.

Also as always, anytime a woman starts pulling back from you sexually, the possibility exists that another man is in the picture. I hope it isn’t so, but always feel I need to mention it. I always feel detestably awful when I haven’t mentioned it and it turns out to be the case.

Filed Under: How To Choose A Wife

The Double Bind

July 22, 2011 By Athol Kay 19 Comments

A double bind is a lose-lose choice presented to you. It’s sort of a Husband-as-Dilbert and Wife-as-Pointy-Haired-Manager dynamic. The choice is essentially limited to how you prefer to get screwed over.

It works something like this…. she says to you…

(1) Do something not in your best interest that I want you to do.

(2) Or you are a very bad person who isn’t caring / helping / sharing / loving / nuzzling my vagina just right.

So there’s no way to win with either of those choices. The solution is to recognize the double bind, and break out of her frame. Just call her out on it and refuse to choose either choice as valid. She’ll call you a bad person of course. Give her a big smile and thank her for the compliment and walk away.

Test passed!

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Nice Guys and Betaization