Always Actively Rule Out Another Man

If your relationship is going down the toilet, and you cannot point to a definitive reason as to why that is happening, always actively rule out another man being in the picture somewhere.
Check phone records. Credit card records. Email records. Yada yada yada.  You can’t just assume that no one else is involved. Cheating is by its nature deceptive, so just because you want to believe nothing is going on, and she says nothing is going on, doesn’t mean nothing is going on.
Always actively rule out cheating.
And “yes”, her going out with another guy, “just for _______” is a date. At least that sort of thing was a date when you did it before you were married anyway. It’s a date.
It’s fairly rare that peope just leave relationships for their own peace of mind and emotional balance. It’s very common that people leave relationships for another person. So odds are…

Comments

  1. In other words: Trust, but verify

  2. Most can't point to a definitive reason their relationship is going into the toilet but it isn't because there's someone else – it's 2 reasons: 1) it's called "oblivious" and it's why you have such a popular blog – you point the definitive reasons out in plain language even the most oblivious can understand. 2) It's not *a* definitive reason, it's a aggregate of reasons, big and small, none of which, in and of itself, is reason enough so the majority of folks don't see those as reasons. Again, the reason your blog is popular – you point out that even little things a man doesn't think will turn off his wife, or fail to maintain his wife's attraction, can actually be *a* cause.

    Sorry Monica but "Trust, but verify" makes me want to vomit. Verify is the antithesis of Trust. By the time a guy is checking phone/internet/text records he does not trust his wife. Period. No catchy phrase can put lipstick on that pig.

  3. The MacNut says:

    On the other hand, there are far too many people who trusted their spouses too much and found out that trust was sadly misplaced. "Don't you TRUST ME anymore?" is one of the stock phrases of the cheating spouse, used to deflect attempts of the other spouse to look into suspicious behavior.

    Don't get me wrong, I think trust is inherent in a good relationship, and should not be cast aside without cause. It's just that all too often when a good marriage goes bad, one spouse may end up turning to someone else outside the marriage for "comfort" and let things go too far. And one thing is certain, if an affair IS going on, it needs to be killed before there is any chance of recovery for the marriage.

    So yeah, if the marriage is going south, an affair needs to be ruled out, especially if one spouse has said the dreaded ILYBINILWY (I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You). All too often that means they're in love with someone else…

  4. MarkyMark says:

    Women are like monkeys; they never let go of the first branch UNTIL they have a solid grasp on the next one…

  5. Laughingdog says:

    "It's fairly rare that peope just leave relationships for their own peace of mind and emotional balance."

    I must be really uncommon, because I usually end things because they've become batshit crazy.

  6. Anonymous says:

    You must actively rule out another man because she WILL deny and lie when you confront her with your suspicions. She WILL try to turn the tables on you if you do NOT have strong evidence.

  7. Anonymous says:

    If she isn't having an affair before you start riding roughshod over her privacy, she probably soon will be once her works out how little regard you have for her own space!

  8. Anonymous 12:42–


    If she isn't having an affair before you start riding roughshod over her privacy, she probably soon will be once her works out how little regard you have for her own space!

    Spoken like a feminist wife wanting to be able to continue hiding her affair, or a woman wishing to preserve that as a ready option.

    When American women get a gut feeling their man might be cheating, they go on all kinds of snooping campaigns, and are encouraged by their gf’s to do so. Yet all too often when a man does the same we hear American female outrage about her privacy and his lack of trust.

    It’s an utterly unwarranted double standard.

    When wives cheat and especially if they find very good sex and an emotional connection with their lover, over time this tends to dissolved even more their feelings of sexual attraction for and being in love with their husbands. This is true even if their lover won’t leave his wife, as is often the case. It still often leads over time for the woman to want to leave her husband.

    Yeah catching cheating early can make a big difference.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Sorry Doug1, I'm a bloke and if any woman started that sort of carry-on with ME, there's no way I'd put up with it. P*ss in my private space, and I'll kick back, hard. And why shouldn't anyone else do the same? All you're doing by snooping is showing them you don't trust or value them, so in that case, cut the paranoid sod loose – male or female, doesn't matter.

  10. "if any woman started that sort of carry-on with ME, there's no way I'd put up with it."

    I felt the same way, before I had children.

    The only woman I have ever checked up on was my wife, right after I got the classic late-night phone call from a guy she knew. That call (and her shifty explanation of it) prompted me to look at her phone records, where I found a very long phone call between them. And that prompted me to open her emails, where I found several months of inappropriate correspondence. That prompted me to keylog her computer …

    I never thought I'd do any of that. But being a parent means you subordinate your needs to the needs of your children, and it's simply undeniable that divorce hurts kids.

    But, at the same time, you can't tolerate infidelity. So, when you are suspicious, what can a man do to try to save the marriage?

    Athol's advice is rock-solid: the only real solution is upping your Sex Rank. But you have to break a spouse's addiction to infidelity. That's what it is — addiction. Until it's broken, there's no real hope for saving the marriage. As a father, I had to try to save it, even though I didn't want to, and even though my methods were embarrassing to me and her.

  11. Anonymous says:

    If you absolutely need to have private space then you absolutley do not need to be married.

  12. Athol Kay says:

    There's no question snooping is invasive and untrusting.

    But without hard proof you have nothing to go on with addressing an affair. It also works brilliantly with catching affairs before they turn physical. That's very very important.

    It's not polite I agree, but required.

  13. Anonymous says:

    "If she isn't having an affair before you start riding roughshod over her privacy, she probably soon will be once her works out how little regard you have for her own space!"

    I'm with Doug1 on this.

    A married person's "private space" is severely constricted — a constriction, by the way, that both parties voluntarily agreed to upon marriage.

    Moreover, I don't care how unhappy or dissatisfied or unfulfilled she is. She owes her husband absolute sexual fidelity. ABSOLUTE. I have a right to find out the truth. And if she is sneaking around, I'm going to investigate — overtly, or covertly if necessary.

    Shawn: Trust but verify is appropriate. If she's having an affair, the trust is already broken. He's not breaking that trust by investigating.

    If she's not having an affair, there is no harm in investigating to rule out an affair. If she has nothing to hide, and my investigation turns up nothing, then so much the better. Trust increases.

    But I'm not going to investigate unless I have a reason. If I see things like late night phone calls, numbers on her cell that I don't recognize, questionable expenses showing up on the credit card, I will want to know who, what, when, where and how. And she needs to give truthful answers.

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