Game Isn’t A Magic Bullet: Fix The Big Problems First

I’ve started noticing more and more how I’m getting two sorts of general responses from guys doing the MAP and/or general MMSL thing. (Clarification: Two responses from guys who haven’t left it too late and are mired in divorce or cheating situations.)
The first set give me an almost instant thumbs up that everything is suddenly coming together and their wife is repeatedly falling over and pointing her legs in the air in a V formation.
The second set give me a story about how it is kinda slow going, but things are getting better and they’ve gone from basically next to nothing sexually to getting something.
Here’s what I think is happening. The first group doesn’t have any major structural weaknesses with their relationship other than they don’t know some basic Game understanding and moves. They have a reasonable job/income, the house is basically in decent shape, they have a reasonable physical fitness and they aren’t afflicted with a psych disorder. They’re just regular standard issue good guys. Once they get the Game moves and understanding together – a.k.a. Isolate, Instigate and Escalate – their wives just eat them up.
The second group does have some major structural weaknesses though, and basic Game isn’t a magic spell that makes those irrelevant. These guys are some combination of fat, broke, live in a dump and have some kind of behavior that is an active energy drain on their wife. Game can make the situation a little better, but then again basic first aid can make a bullet wound a little better too. Mostly what you’re doing is buying yourself some extra time to get the structural issue fixed.
In the last post, our fridge died and we had to buy a new one. Thankfully we have the cash to so because if we didn’t, we’d be stuck with individual trips to the grocery store every day keeping milk in a cooler needing ice everyday. It’s been fun for a couple of days while we wait for the fridge, but trust me that having to do it for a couple of months until we could afford a new fridge would wear on my lady love.
A playful little spank on the ass as Jennifer opens her new fridge works great. A playful little spank on the ass as Jennifer bends over for the hundredth time to get milk out of a ice filled cooler in the kitchen would read very differently. Same little Game move, very different results.
So if you have major structural attraction issues, you have to get started on fixing those as fast and as best as you can. Get fit, fix the house, have an income, don’t be crazy or a drain on her. Game is all well and good, but you have to cover the Beta basics in a marriage to have the Alpha stuff really kick in.
And yes I realize the economy sucks like a Dyson. Yes I realize plenty of good guys can’t find work. If that’s you I advise continuing to look for work actively, and ensuring you are using your time effectively to cover the other basic structural needs as well as you can. It’s not my fault that women react to guys without jobs like guys react to fat chicks.
If you’ve got an obvious glaring weak area, get started on that first. Usually as long as your wife sees you making positive progress toward a goal, it gives her hope for the future with you. Give her hope.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    "Give her hope."

    This.

  2. Doug1 says:

    Get started on both I'd say.

  3. Doug1 says:

    Athol–

    I think you should be thinking about making marriage counseling in one form or another, rather than nursing the seriously disabled, your primary career.

    It might be a radio call in show that becomes syndicated around the country.

    Or it might be one one one sit down marriage counseling. What license is needed in Connecticut, if any?

  4. Doug1 says:

    You might also start to charge for you one on one email offered marrage counseling.

  5. Stephenie Rowling says:

    I think Athol would do great expanding. But he needs an agent. As and Indy writer I can tell you promoting oneself is hard, boring, tedious and if you don;t have the right connections little effective.
    And agent will charge, but he will have a % of the income meaning that he or she will work harder to have the money.

    And since we are talking about ideas….
    I was also thinking that the manosphere more friendly and politically correct writers (Dalrock, Susan, Badger and Athol at the top of my head) should have a whole page with articles and sections too so they could sell ads.
    Susan is going to get a book too and I'm pretty sure Badger could make a Game for single men book, probably Dalrock can add a different perspective with his religious POV.
    So they could also promote their books and any other product they create (workshops, DVD's…)for free there.

    Having an user friendly site for all of them to work and support together and offering a product that I think many people needs could be a good step both into more income for all of them, more control (no more sexual explicit labels so we can read it at work) and for the men's rights activists to expose their POV without giving feminists ammo to shame them with the harsh unPC words places like The Spearhead uses.
    And for the record I read the spearhead, but I know they will never make it big or do any real change with their strong language, YMMV.

    So just throwing the idea out there.

  6. Looking Glass says:

    Most states require a Masters or some type of certificate. Which means at least 1 year of school, then he'd make less than he does now, with worse hours (you work a lot of afternoon/evenings). So, for the most part, it isn't worth it for him, financially or family wise.

    The real money is conferences & speaking engagements. That's where an author can make real money. Granted, Athol may insight a riot at the first college his gives a presentation. But it'd be damn funny to see the college students' faces.

  7. Anonymous says:

    "Dalrock can add a different perspective with his religious POV.

    Dalrock, by his own admission, is not religious, Stephenie.

    Kathy

  8. Anonymous says:

    "Dalrock, Susan, Badger"…

    Could I get urls for these guys?

    Also, I think a lot of Athol's writings will continue to resonate with more and more people.

    Still not sure about this one though:
    http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/12/if-you-want-personal-fuck-toy-you-have.html

    My wife does not know I read this blog. And it is because of posts like this that I'm quite sure she never should.

    That said, thank you Athol.

  9. Anonymous says:

    ""Dalrock can add a different perspective with his religious POV.

    Dalrock, by his own admission, is not religious, Stephenie.

    Kathy "

    I haven't seen where he explicitly states he isn't religious – regardless, his blog does touch on religious issues fairly often.

  10. Cal says:

    The way I see it, fixing the big issues IS game.

    Game is simply (1) understanding how important attraction and bonding are (minor compared to abstractions like rules and guilt), (2) learning how to be aware of and sensitive to how attraction and bonding are either promoted or inhibited, and (3) learning how to act accordingly.

    It was game that clued me in to the big issues that were ruining my marriage. Before that, I was primarily interested in allocating fault, and making my wife feel bad for her share of it, since I honestly thought that was the first step to positive change.

    I could not have been more misguided.

    The big issues are still far from solved, but at least I know what they are so I can make progress on fixing them. Merely moving in the right direction was enough to restart our sex life, albeit slowly.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Be aware that if your wife's father was a serious alpha male, you will likely have issues even if you have a decent job. My wife often expresses her gratitude that I am not like her arrogant, successful philandering (divorced) father, but…

    I make a decent living as an IT consultant and programmer, and we live in the country which offers ample opportunity for me to cut down trees, drive tractors and other manly stuff, but I still have to stay on my game or I notice she gets a little dismissive. If I just act like the standard hard-working drone, keep my head down, churn out highly competent work, I get barely a pat of encouragement now and then, but if I engage in some negotiating, deal-making, perhaps even just a touch of scheming and manipulating people, she lights up like a Christmas tree.

    In other words, I don't just have to game her, I have to game the world. Take note, men in similar marriages. Learn to work smart, not just hard. Yes, there is putting substance behind the glitz, but some guys need to learn how to market the substance they already have. If the boss comes to your office to ask a question, don't just answer and turn back to your work, but take an opportunity to up your cred a bit: "Hey, I'm glad you stopped by. I've been working on this idea…"

    Whatever you do, don't come home from work and bring up your defeats to get sympathy from her. If you don't have some cocky story of success, don't talk about work. If she asks how your day was, just tell her you kicked ass, as usual.

  12. Lainey says:

    Some of the posts here make me sad. I don't think it is beta to share your bad day with your wife. We love our husbands and want to hear your struggles. You don't have to be tough all the time with a real woman. You just don't.

    I haven't shown my husband this site or the book yet either. I am explaining things to him and showing him things through actions that I like.

    My hubby is almost perfect in the alpha/beta mix. I don't always like it when he gets too alpha at home, but he could be more alpha sexually – just a tad.

    To be honest, I never liked a bad boy or super alpha. I went screaming out of there when I realized I was out with one.

    There really has to be a balance. I don't want to be gamed inappropriately. I don't mind being a fuck toy as long as I know there is love and commitment behind it.

    Maybe I'm weird, but if I know my husband could bail at any time I'd be less likely to spread my legs, and my husband wouldn't blame me. He also knows that if something happens to his job, I am not gone.

  13. Lainey says:

    Oh, I think Athol should try to get a radio show. It would be very controversial, but fun.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Lainey, Don't get me wrong, I have gone through plenty of ups and downs, and jobless periods, and my wife has stuck by me. She knows that I am resourceful and will always find something to do, even if it means shoveling manure, and she respects that. It's not like I can't share bad days with her, but if I bring home too many downers, and if I act like I am at a loss to know what to do about something, her feelings become too obvious, even if she won't admit it. I suggest that your husband knows this too, and doesn't just open up about all his worries. Trust me, any successful man learns this sooner or later: no matter how sympathetic a woman is (or thinks she is), men have to be careful about how much negativity they reveal.

  15. Lainey says:

    That is true of both spouses. I can't dump all over my husband about every little thing. He does hold back, because I empathize too much with him and have internalized more stress than he meant. So I do get it. :)

  16. Stephenie Rowling says:

    Dalrock: http://dalrock.wordpress.com
    Badgder: http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/
    Susan: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/

    "Maybe I'm weird, but if I know my husband could bail at any time I'd be less likely to spread my legs, and my husband wouldn't blame me. He also knows that if something happens to his job, I am not gone."

    I think the issue is that we beta lovers are a silent minority.
    I also love to comfort my hubby when he had a bad day at the job and currently I'm writing more so to try and make more money because he is worried about it. So my attraction towards him has nothing to do with the amount of money he makes. I mostly just want him to be happy and at peace, that makes me happy and at peace too, YMMV.

  17. Lainey says:

    "I think the issue is that we beta lovers are a silent minority.
    I also love to comfort my hubby when he had a bad day at the job and currently I'm writing more so to try and make more money because he is worried about it. So my attraction towards him has nothing to do with the amount of money he makes. I mostly just want him to be happy and at peace, that makes me happy and at peace too, YMMV."

    Maybe that is it. I do care that my husband has a job, and he does make very good money, but if he made less we'd downsize and figure it out. I'm not married to my house or car. I'm married to him.

    We've been married over 20 years, have 6 kids (2 are our lovely borrowed foster daughters), I do have a side business that brings in some money, and we are pretty traditional. This all make me laugh sometimes since I was raised a feminist.

    We can't be that much of a minority, Stephenie. But who knows, my teenage son has sworn off girls for a while, claiming they are too much drama. LOL

  18. Stephenie Rowling says:

    "We can't be that much of a minority, Stephenie. But who knows, my teenage son has sworn off girls for a while, claiming they are too much drama. LOL"

    Heh I was talking to http://bbsezmore.wordpress.com/ and she claims to be a beta lover too.
    There is some HUS girls that claim to be attracted to Betas too, but they don't express it publicly or try to take the initiative knowing their beta crushes are probably very unlikely to do so. So my guess is that in a group of women the beta lovers will just stay silent and pretend they admire the Alpha's as much even though they are disgusted waiting for him to disappear. But again this is a hard to come by data.

  19. Lainey says:

    Beta guys just need to be encouraged a little more obviously. LOL They have very good alpha moves once they feel comfortable with you.

    My teen son is an aloof beta right now. Good looks still have the girls drooling, but their psycho hormones turn him off. I've raised him to be a gentleman, but he won't tolerate high drama girls. I'm hoping this means he'll eventually find a nice, sweet girl that isn't too hard to please.

    What is a HUS girl?

  20. Anonymous says:

    Thanks Stephanie (for the links)

  21. Anonymous says:

    "I haven't seen where he explicitly states he isn't religious – regardless, his blog does touch on religious issues fairly often."

    Dalrock mentioned some time ago when I was commenting that he is not a religious person, Stephenie, so I think it is unwise to misrepresent his views.

    "probably Dalrock can add a different perspective with his religious POV,"
    Is therefore an inaccurate description, and may deter those who are not religious from reading his stuff.

    "Thoughts from a happily married father on a post feminist world."
    Is the tag on the front page of his blog, which, I think is a quite apt description. :D

    Kathy

  22. Hubs1 says:

    > What is a HUS girl?

    A female commenter at Susan Walsh's blog Hooking Up Smart.

  23. Lainey says:

    Thanks! I love HUS! I'm bookmarking it.

  24. Athol Kay says:

    Doug1 – Marriage Counseling in Connecticut requires a MFA degree and "on average" a $20,000 pay cut from my current nursing income. So no way in hell am I doing two years for a Masters Degree to lose $20k a year. Jennifer would divorce me lol.

    Coaching does not require a license and I am in the process of determining whether or not I come too close to "marriage counseling" to do what I do on an "individual for fee" basis.

    I can publish books, teach classes, speak and do radio/TV etc without requiring a license though. So in general I am heading in that direction. That's where the real money is anyway.

    I'm not sure I could sit through two years of MFA classes anyway.

  25. Bb says:

    "Maybe that is it. I do care that my husband has a job, and he does make very good money, but if he made less we'd downsize and figure it out. I'm not married to my house or car. I'm married to him."

    That's so beautifully put, Lainey, and exactly how I feel. As for your son being an aloof Beta, I think that's a great mix as long as he has some Alpha moves up his sleeve, too.

    Lol, Stephanie, you've outed me as a Beta lover. ;) But I also do love an arrogant men. For me, it's also about the A/B mix.

    Athol, a radio or podcast show could be very interesting. Looking forward to what's coming up for you.

  26. Stephenie Rowling says:

    "Lol, Stephanie, you've outed me as a Beta lover. ;) But I also do love an arrogant men. For me, it's also about the A/B mix."

    Heh see we are all in the closset. That is why men don't know we exists :) Hehe

  27. Looking Glass says:

    @ Anon July 19, 2011 12:41 PM:

    What your wife is displaying is, in effect, a level of emotional scars. While you have ways around it, you should encourage her to get help working through those. There are ways to unwind the bad habits you learn and dealing with the emotional injuries that have been inflicted upon you, you just have to be willing to do it.

    Other than that, it is a good set of points. Knowing the parents is a *good* marker by which to anticipate responses.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Beta Lovers in the closet? If they truly exist this is an interesting species of female. I want to hear more about them.

  29. Lainey says:

    I don't know, Stephenie & Bb. I'm obviously knew the the game, alpha, and beta thing. I survived just fine without it. Although, I am put on a pedestal – a no no from what I've been reading here. LOL

    So if one likes nice, responsible guys, and not jerks then we are Beta lovers? I've been thinking about it. I don't think jerks are alpha. I think they are just jerks.

    My dh does not come across as beta to anyone but me and other nice people, i.e. family, old ladies, other nice people stranded by the side of the road, etc. He's a white night and that is incredibly sexy.

  30. Stephenie Rowling says:

    @Lainey
    Well I think the definition of Alpha varies. So it depends what you think is Alpha and Beta.
    I do consider my husband Beta because he is not chasing every woman in sight and never did, he is a gamer with the stereotypical nerdy hobbies, and I'm pretty sure he didn't had tons of women falling to his knees at his mere presence. But again I really think this women are daft for not doing so,.
    But yet he is not a doormat and I'm pretty sure that if I were to be a bitch to him for no good reason he would had no problem moving on, so that is Alpha o Beta?

  31. Lainey says:

    I like your definition, Stephenie. My hubby was never a player. Women did chase him and he had some fun times. He really is a one-woman man. Mine isn't a doormat either, but he does want me to be happy & I want the same for him.

  32. Anonymous says:

    His nursing is pretty vital stuff, Doug. And I think, as medicine, it's more sure-fire than his advice here. We need more male nurses.

    This is one of the best posts, a "key" to any man wanting game.

    Jennifer 6

  33. Athol Kay says:

    My nursing is a poor use of my time other than paying the bills Jennifer6.

    Every day I get email about the blog/book saving marriages from divorce, or jump starting sex lives in marriages again. I see essentially no improvement in patient lives for my efforts at work.

    I don't hate it, but I know where my gift lies.

  34. Anonymous says:

    That's a real shame. I'm sure you make some difference just by being there; you have a good pump-it-up attitude and clearly care about people more than not; plus, like I said, male nurses are needed. Some guys would prefer one, and we need both sexes in medicine for various reasons.

    Jennifer 6

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