I know I frustrate some of my more religious readers in that I am perceived as “that close” to a standard evangelical Christian position on sexuality, but I advocate an utterly pragmatic secular approach to getting the relationship you want. I offer all these good ideas and insights, but there’s this darkside undertone to everything. To a believer struggling for marriage answers, I’m sure my advice sounds a little like this…
Something to add to the “How to chose a wife” list.
I kept thinking Ron White is going to die at any minute though.
Very long email shortened to: Mid twenties couple, dating for three years, with a wedding supposedly on the cards two years from now. Conservative religious backgrounds. Both each other’s first sexual partner, but limited to handjobs and an occassional blow job as she wants to wait until marriage, but also told him she wanted him to push her into intercourse… but now she’s asked to stop the sexual contact completely to “see how he feels about her without the sex”, until the wedding and started amping up the Fitness Testing….
Athol: I think you both are playing mental games with thinking handjobs and blowjobs aren’t sex… they most definitely are sex and neither one of you are really virgins. As such, you have been having a sexual relationship together.
Once you see it as a sexual relationship, it starts becoming apparent that she is now starting to sexually reject you. The whole thing of seeing how you feel about her without the sexual interaction is just an excuse to not have sex with you anymore. I also wonder if it’s just taken too long for you to seduce her into full intercourse and she’s rejecting you for that reason.
I would tell her that marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship, and that right now the sexual relationship side of things just doesn’t seem to be working. If you can both move forward together then good, but if not, you should start looking for someone new.
As as aside, there is also no benefit to waiting until the wedding to have intercourse. The benefit comes from marrying your first sexual partners. Jennifer and I for example did not wait until the wedding. According to the studies I’ve read, there doesn’t seem to be any difference in marital happiness or divorce outcomes between waiting or not waiting until the wedding if you are each others first.
Partial Reader Reply: I’m may be incorrectly reading between the lines, but do you mean I should have full intercourse with her even considering her thoughts on waiting until marriage? Is it possible that she is unconsciously frustrated that I haven’t done it yet even though we could have many times? I have stopped short of it many times, mainly because I want to respect her wishes, and also because we didn’t have a condom.
Athol: I believe she is starting to test you and reject you because you haven’t had full intercourse as yet.
As far as her female Body Agenda is concerned, you’re a male that can’t get the job done despite being in a relationship with her for three years. Therefore you make a bad choice of sexual partner for her as she risks having offspring that have the same inability to get the job done as you do.
On an intellectual/religious level she is into the whole idea of waiting for marriage etc, but obviously her intellectual/religious beliefs don’t extend to her not Fitness Testing over this. She’s even told you that she wanted you to force the issue and just do it. Generally when women tell you to take sexual advantage of them and you fail to follow through, they regard you as a poor specimen of manhood.
Furthermore you are agreeing to drag this out for another two years until the wedding. I don’t believe you will get to the wedding the way things are progressing anyway. She’ll keep testing you and if you keep not getting the job done, the testing will get worse. She’ll meet someone that will get the job done and you’ll be dumped like yesterday’s newspaper.
I realize all this sounds immoral to wait-until-marriage ears, but the fact is you’re already in a sexual relationship with each other. You’re just doing it really badly.
So either get it together properly or call it quits. If your anniversary is coming up, a slightly sappy way of doing it is to announce that you are booking a hotel room for a night/weekend away to make “the first real time more special and memorable, and to set a wedding date.” A more Alpha way is simply to text her that you have condoms and want her to come over.
Also as always, anytime a woman starts pulling back from you sexually, the possibility exists that another man is in the picture. I hope it isn’t so, but always feel I need to mention it. I always feel detestably awful when I haven’t mentioned it and it turns out to be the case.