“What the hell are you doing in a Sexoholics Anonymous meeting for jerking off because she won’t sleep with you?”
July 21, 2011 By 10 Comments
If she likes having her hair pulled during sex, it’s easy enough if she’s on top, you just reach up and grab a handful. But most pull-my-hair types like being on the bottom and it’s harder to get a proper handful when she’s under you. You do need a proper handful because that spreads the pull across her scalp as a sense of pressure, rather than grabbing just a little hair and turning it into something painful… or a lost clump of hair.
The real issue is that the pillow gets in the way, so toss her pillow away. Then if she turns her head to one side, that allows you to get good access to most of her hair and get a good handful. Once you have a good hold, her head is fairly well stuck in place as some of your body weight will be resting on your elbow/forearm attached to the hand holding her hair.
This is a very firmly held position even compared to her being tied up with low end bondage equipment. That she could probably break out of if she wanted to, but you on top of her holding her head turned to the side leaves her with zero leverage. Unless you let her go, she’s… ahh… fucked. Which is the idea and the excitement, but also she may find it a little more than she expected. So a safeword may be in order. If you don’t have a safeword, consider “stop” or “let me go” or even “ow my hair!” acceptable attempts at using a safeword.
The upside is that she’s basically held stationary and you can’t (and shouldn’t) accidentally jerk on her head/neck and risk her injury. So it should be quite safe while being very firm.
And like anything else rough, this is something to talk about before you do it. Consent is important and besides… she’ll just be confused as hell if you throw her pillow off the bed without cluing her in.
July 20, 2011 By 13 Comments
If your relationship is going down the toilet, and you cannot point to a definitive reason as to why that is happening, always actively rule out another man being in the picture somewhere.
Check phone records. Credit card records. Email records. Yada yada yada. You can’t just assume that no one else is involved. Cheating is by its nature deceptive, so just because you want to believe nothing is going on, and she says nothing is going on, doesn’t mean nothing is going on.
Always actively rule out cheating.
And “yes”, her going out with another guy, “just for _______” is a date. At least that sort of thing was a date when you did it before you were married anyway. It’s a date.
It’s fairly rare that peope just leave relationships for their own peace of mind and emotional balance. It’s very common that people leave relationships for another person. So odds are…
July 20, 2011 By 46 Comments
I’ve gotten a rash of blow job questions recently, mainly to do with how to get her to let you come in her mouth. The husbands wanting that, but very much not wanting the ruined orgasm from her pulling her head off and stopping all stimulation a quarter second before he cums.
Personally I would talk about it outside of the bedroom. Just say that it’s something you would like. Let her know that you don’t expect her to do something she hates, just ask for her to try. Explain that your orgasm is ruined if she pulls off as you cum, so it’s either switch to handjob at about T-minus two seconds, or don’t stop.
Absolutely do not trick her by screwing up the warning and trying to cum in her mouth as a surprise. That will set you back about two months at a minimum.
Act like you are really into it and loving it. If you’re basically holding your breath and silently hoping that tonight is the night, it’s not really that hot of an experience for her.
Try the moaning and groaning thing with some excited pawing at her as it gets better and better. Pull her hair a little in the 10-15 seconds to go mark. If it’s hot for you, it’s hot for her. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. Just enjoy what you have in the moment.
If she does happen to let you cum in her mouth, don’t get all worked up about whether it was a spit or swallow experience either. Just say it was great and you loved it and love her.
Then kiss her.
July 19, 2011 By 34 Comments
I’ve started noticing more and more how I’m getting two sorts of general responses from guys doing the MAP and/or general MMSL thing. (Clarification: Two responses from guys who haven’t left it too late and are mired in divorce or cheating situations.)
The first set give me an almost instant thumbs up that everything is suddenly coming together and their wife is repeatedly falling over and pointing her legs in the air in a V formation.
The second set give me a story about how it is kinda slow going, but things are getting better and they’ve gone from basically next to nothing sexually to getting something.
Here’s what I think is happening. The first group doesn’t have any major structural weaknesses with their relationship other than they don’t know some basic Game understanding and moves. They have a reasonable job/income, the house is basically in decent shape, they have a reasonable physical fitness and they aren’t afflicted with a psych disorder. They’re just regular standard issue good guys. Once they get the Game moves and understanding together – a.k.a. Isolate, Instigate and Escalate – their wives just eat them up.
The second group does have some major structural weaknesses though, and basic Game isn’t a magic spell that makes those irrelevant. These guys are some combination of fat, broke, live in a dump and have some kind of behavior that is an active energy drain on their wife. Game can make the situation a little better, but then again basic first aid can make a bullet wound a little better too. Mostly what you’re doing is buying yourself some extra time to get the structural issue fixed.
In the last post, our fridge died and we had to buy a new one. Thankfully we have the cash to so because if we didn’t, we’d be stuck with individual trips to the grocery store every day keeping milk in a cooler needing ice everyday. It’s been fun for a couple of days while we wait for the fridge, but trust me that having to do it for a couple of months until we could afford a new fridge would wear on my lady love.
A playful little spank on the ass as Jennifer opens her new fridge works great. A playful little spank on the ass as Jennifer bends over for the hundredth time to get milk out of a ice filled cooler in the kitchen would read very differently. Same little Game move, very different results.
So if you have major structural attraction issues, you have to get started on fixing those as fast and as best as you can. Get fit, fix the house, have an income, don’t be crazy or a drain on her. Game is all well and good, but you have to cover the Beta basics in a marriage to have the Alpha stuff really kick in.
And yes I realize the economy sucks like a Dyson. Yes I realize plenty of good guys can’t find work. If that’s you I advise continuing to look for work actively, and ensuring you are using your time effectively to cover the other basic structural needs as well as you can. It’s not my fault that women react to guys without jobs like guys react to fat chicks.
If you’ve got an obvious glaring weak area, get started on that first. Usually as long as your wife sees you making positive progress toward a goal, it gives her hope for the future with you. Give her hope.
July 18, 2011 By 33 Comments
Not sure I’ve covered this one before because it’s such a red flag, but you never know, so I’ll throw it out there anyway. All this applies to men taking their ring off too.
It’s not always clear precisely what it means when she takes the wedding ring off, but it always means “something is rotten in the state of Denmark”.
She might be gearing up to cheat on you. She may already be cheating on you. She may hate your guts and fantasize about poisioning you slowly over six months. She may be mentally checking out of the marriage and thinking about divorce. She may be taking off the wedding ring to compartmentalize doing something very nasty to you. She may be taking the ring off to try and freak you out. She might have taken the ring off because she knows the divorce papers she ordered to be served to you are arriving in three days. To be honest it’s not even the reasons she takes her ring off that we can think of that should scare you, it’s the reasons we can’t.
The wedding ring is extremely symbolic of the committment to your marriage. Thus when it comes off, it’s extremely symbolic of the lack of committment to your marriage. So as long as the ring is off her finger, it’s “Red Alert. Shields Up.” Then you find out through whatever legal means are at your disposal what exactly is going on with her. There will always be something funky going on. Always. As in always.
Should the ring come off her finger, it’s often a passive-aggressive version of saying “I want a divorce”. You wouldn’t let that one slide by without a serious apology if it was said in anger, and should the ring slip off her finger and then mysteriously slip back on again, you should also expect an explanation and an apology. Otherwise, just assume that the increased passivity of putting the ring back on is matched by an increased rage against you beneath the surface.
So always get to the bottom of it. Always. As in always.
That being said, there are some quite legitmate reasons not to wear a wedding ring. It is against regulations to wear them in several professions/jobs. Some people become allergic to the metal and can’t wear them without getting a nasty rash on their finger. In these cases you can’t wear the ring because of these legitimate reasons. That’s the key phrase though – legitimate reasons. You have to be able to point to a legitimate reason where you both understand that for either some or all of the time, rings can’t be worn.
If for whatever reason you lose a ring,
have an excellent cover story announce it without sounding frightened and with a tone of anger-at-self. When they ask you where you lost it, yell “If I knew where I lost it, I wouldn’t have lost it now would I!” Spend hours looking for the ring. Hours. As in hours. If you can’t find it, put buying a new one high on the priority list. If you’re a wife that lost them down the kitchen sink, it’s ideal if your husband finds you on your hands and knees… pulling apart the U-joint trap thingy under the sink trying to find them.
So anyway, be advised. The rings are teh serious.
And guys…. stop taking them off and spinning them on the table. There are no prizes to win and only punishments if you lose. It’s like Russian Roulette Lite.
July 17, 2011 By 6 Comments
Our fridge was starting to die on us yesterday. The giveaway being when eldest daughter went to get some crushed ice and got a whoosh of fairly cool…ish water splurting out over her. I gave it a very hopeful vacuuming out of the air intake as it did look like it had tried to suck several cats up into it. Then set it on maximum cold and went to bed.
The fridge passed away in the night.
Jennifer snuck out at the crack of dawn to completely avoid the situation by going to work for twelve hours. Leaving me, the kids and a dead fridge. Also the cats were out of cat treats and they became increasingly vocal anytime anyone walked into the kitchen. Which seeing we had a dead fridge, was about every seventeen seconds.
July 15, 2011 By 20 Comments
When I end up talking to people about the whole sex and marriage deal, I usually ask about any medical issues or medications – especially the birth control ones.
The husbands never seem to know what their wives are taking for medication.
Well maybe that’s an overstatement. I think I’m running at about 80% for knowing she takes medication. About 30-40% knowing what type of medication and maybe 5% actually knowing the name of the drug. 10 points to Gryffindor if you can get the dosage right.
The problem tonight was that the wife was what amounts to a total bitch. Via chat…
Athol: “What meds is she on?”
Husband: “Don’t know, it’s an anti-depressant.”
Athol: “What’s the name of it.”
Husband: “Don’t know. Let me go look.”
/cue elevator music
Husband: “It’s Demerol”
Athol: “Ah… that’s a pain medication. One of the stronger ones. What’s she taking it for?”
Husband: “I think it’s for her neck.”
ORLY?? She’s taking a Schedule II control med for pain and you think it’s for her neck? You think?? Maybe she’s a total bitch because her neck hurts and you don’t have a clue about anything!
Sorry about that, my nipples are a little sensitive today…
/activate Zen-like calm
Athol: “Yeah it’s a serious med. We would have to count every pill at change of shift for that one. Either she is in serious pain, or she’s faking it to get a serious pain med. Either way it’s pretty bad.”
Husband: “Okay, I’ll look into it.”
Seriously, just look in the bathroom cabinet and read the names on bottles if you don’t know. Then Google the names of the medications. You’d be surprised how much your will learn. Wikipedia is usually the best starting point for accessible information though there are other places online too.
Or you could just ask her. Or pay attention or something.
Anyway, not a bad guy by any means, just finding things getting out of control on the homefront. My suggestions for self improvement sifted down to the golden oldies. (1) Get in shape. (2 ) Rewarding positive behavior and reducing attention to negative behavior (3) Make more money. I’ll hit on those three points over the next few days.
July 14, 2011 By 47 Comments
Athol: I edited out the looooong backstory of the reader email. Before anyone paints the wife as a money hungry bitch entitlement princess… she didn’t come across that way to me. Seemed quite normal and hard working, just stressed by the bills.
Reader: I am happy with my job – even if it is much less salary and prestige as before. I have settled into it and don’t have a burning desire to look for bigger and better things – especially after 6 years of my previous high-paying but sucked-the-life-out-of-me job. On the other hand, she is stressed and it makes me feel I should be constantly on the lookout for more money – even at the cost of my current job satisfaction.
My feeling is that the Alpha response is to do what makes me happy while the beta response is to constantly look for more money so she can be less stressed.
Does the married man constantly need to be looking for more money? Is settling a bit (instead of trying to be CEO) wrong as the married man?
Athol: I think you’re asking this as one of those damned if you do and damned if you don’t questions. Work extra hard and you be unhappy, or work normal and watch her get unhappy.
My feeling is the natural order works best for most couples when the husband is the higher earner, but also gets better treatment at home for doing so. So in other words, it you are super-husband and doing the long hours and soul sucking thing at the office to provide for your family, her job is to make all that worthwhile for you.
It’s not the soul sucking job that does men in. It’s the coming home and no one caring about you having to do that.
My choice has been to chart a path to a higher earning job that I want to do. I’m still working the nursing job, and the MMSL stuff is around 40 hours a week all up. So 80 hours weeks of “work”.
Jennifer has been quite supportive of it all and I get more of her pampering/catering to me than I ever did before. Both because I deserve it, and because I simply couldn’t do what I do without it. She’s always been pleasant and helpful to me, but it’s a different level now. The main difference being that I’m dong something worthy of support and needing support. It’s the Captain and First Officer thing.
Being able to be Beta as a husband is a good thing, but you can’t allow yourself to be taken for granted for doing Beta things.
Perhaps finding a little side job that brings in a little extra cash would be a good idea – but you frame it as “I’m willing to do this for us, but it is more work. So I think it’s fair that I get supported in doing this and get something more from you.”
She’ll have to ask what that something more is of course.
“And what’s that?”
“Well each time when I come home from doing the job…”
She’ll start figuring you mean blowjobs of course, which means she will immediately do the math for how much you working an extra shift equals in cash, and decide if that’s tempting enough to induce her into blowing you. If the cash value is enough, she’ll agree, if not she’ll complain that she isn’t a hooker and won’t have sex for (that much) money.
So cut her hamster accountant off before it gets up to speed.
“…I want you to say ‘Thank you’.”
Watch her hamster try and find a way to be mad at that. Just say thank you. How hard is that? And it’s free.
The trick is that by getting her to say thank you, it will start making her thankful. Saying words has meaning and they change us. Naturally wives thankful to their husbands are highly pre-disposed to giving up the goods easily. Plus if she can’t even be bothered to say “thank you” when you work your ass off for the family, it means she doesn’t appreciate your effort, so you may as well just stop trying so hard and head to the couch with a beer.
July 12, 2011 By 106 Comments
I’ve become convinced that I’ve communicated poorly to women on the general effectiveness of The MAP and MMSL approach. I keep running into cases where the wife is dealing with an intolerable relationship problem and instead of actually doing what I suggest to do in the blog/book, she either sends him to the blog, or buys the book, and sits back and waits for magic to happen.
/palpable absence of magic noted
So here we go… it’s a long post but you should see the full process better. There’s been some minor editing to blur Paulette’s personal details, but essentially the email exchange is unchanged.
Paulette: Feels weird writing a stranger about my marital problems but I am a desperate woman. I have recently started reading your blog and I also just finished Michelle Langley’s book, Women’s Infidelity. Your blog turned on the the light bulb of “this is what I need” and Michelle’s book scared the crap out of me as I can identify with most of it (except actually having an affair).
Things have not been ok for a while. Hasn’t helped that in the last 3 years we have endured major life stresses (foreclosure of rental property, underemployed and unemployed hubby who has made very little effort to look for work, hubby’s failed business that made no money, bankruptcy, in-law issues(related to money and overstepping boundaries) and in the process of probably loosing our home if modification is not approved).
Hubby thinks all has been fine until I flat out said I am not happy and something needs to change because I can’t spend the rest of my life like this. He has done all the beta crap that makes me more disgusted and makes me want to pull away and none of the things I need. I know I am not perfect and can be a better wife but I deserve better from my husband too. I am unhappy with many things (his lack of a job, sex life, lack of equal distribution of house work, his refusal to set boundaries with his siblings and parents and their involvement in our lives) and near the end of my rope.
I am seeing a psychologist and on Wellbutrin. (Athol – as an aside, I like Wellbutrin as an anti-depressant/stimulant choice.) Helps the depression a little but doesn’t fix the problems. I bought your book and was wondering if the timeline is something to be tried for this situation of if another tactic could be more beneficial. I don’t want to divorce and break up my son’s home life but I don’t want to feel cheated by marriage and this relationship either. Obviously all that I have done to this point has not worked. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
(Athol – the central problem killing her interest in him is his lack of income, so that’s the key issue that can get driven toward an ultimatum if needed. Losing the house is non-trivial.)
Athol: I think the MAP Timeline is equally effective for a woman as for a man. It is as you probably realize a pretty strong approach to take.
Work on fixing what you can on your end of things in the marriage, and then just start working on making yourself more attractive. He’ll either respond to it or he won’t. If he does, then good. If not… you’re in a better place to find someone new. Just don’t make it a speedy rush to judgment, just slowly turn up the heat on him and give him time to pull his stuff together.
He also sounds like a good person to actually read the book himself.
Basically no more complaining – just get into some kind of action.
Keep me posted.
Paulette: Thank you for your advice. I read all I can on the blog and now I am just waiting for the book to get here. No more nagging for me I am just going to keep up and intensify the working out and figure out the rest I need to work on. I am hoping my husband will read the book and I will keep you posted. Drastic times call for drastic measures.
Paulette: Just got the book, and have some questions.
Ironically I have been doing some of the MAP stuff before I got your book and found your website. I have lost 30lbs so far and know I am working on loosing more and getting to my goal. My husband has responded to some of the stuff. He is always groping me, compliments, etc but hasn’t responded in any way I need ( ie looking for a job, etc). He still has put very little effort into looking for a job and his passiveness just makes me ill. (Ex when he wants to initiate sex he will say ” I want to see your rack, if that’s ok?” The “If that’s ok” part just turns me off and his timing is horrid (when our 4 year old is running around and we are not some place private where our child won’t barge in, or at a very late hour at night when he knows I go to sleep even though he had opportunity an hour or two before when we were alone and I was still up)
My question is about the sex part. I am not attracted to him. Physically he is handsome but his passive personality and lack of responsibility just turn me off. I have a high drive but I just don’t feel it for him. I want to, but you can’t make yourself. Do I just have sex with him anyway while I am working the timeline? Bad sex sucks.
Also while I am working the timeline how do I approach the whole not really looking for a job crap? Do I stop giving him money while doing the timeline? I really resent giving him money and supporting him. He doesn’t even help around the house more while he has all this free time. He does spend time with his son but spends more time in his “office” playing video games, watching YouTube or messing around on the Internet. I feel like I have an overgrown adolescent instead of a hubby and that’s part of what’s killing the attraction too.
(Athol – her 30 lbs of weight loss is a major red flag that she is already unconsciously gearing up to dump him. Instead of dumping him though, we’re going to leverage that very positive Sex Rank improvement to try and get him to shape up on the job hunting angle. This email exchange goes so quickly because she has already laid in almost all the groundwork to make herself more attractive.)
Athol: if you are still having sex with him (and looking even hotter!), and still handing over money to him, while he adds no effort around the house and doesn’t find a job, you are in fact rewarding his negative behavior. Basically to a man, if you are fucking him and giving him money, and he doesn’t have to do anything, that’s a really good deal. Why would he change that arrangement???
Seeing you have already increased your attractiveness with the weight-loss and exercise, it sounds like you are at Phase Three of the timeline, and starting to think about going to Phase Four (Chapter 16) Though you may be in Phase Two still if you haven’t made the clothing upgrade and obviously started pulling the attention of other men. (Not saying you have to do anything with them, just pull their attention.)
So the next step is to give him the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech and say you’ve just been going through the motions for the last (however long you’ve been working out). That you just don’t see any point anymore continuing things as they are because the situation is intolerable. “I want to live with a man who has a job and who I can respect. I would like that man to be you, but you seem determined to make that not happen. So you have driven me to a very difficult place where I don’t want to be.”
Then stop the sex and the money to him. If he doesn’t show a near immediate resolve to start looking for work etc, then you move into Phase Five.
Paulette: Thank you for getting back. The bomb dropped last night. I have been in stage 3 for a little while but in denial because I know things are just going to get worse for a while. I haven’t been having sex with him because I just can’t have sex with someone who treats me this way.
It all started with me leaving your book on his desk. He sees it, tells me “You left your stupid book in my office” and muttered something about my reading material being the cause of all our problems. Later on when I get home from my bike ride he is coming onto me, bringing up our 10 year anniversary, teasing about a present he bought me (with my money of course) and I don’t really reciprocate so he stops. He also tells me he is going to play poker at his brother’s house Friday night (for money). (Athol – LMAO you should have heard Jennifer react to that one!)
Fast forward to bedtime. He comes to see me after I have went to bed to ask me what’s wrong. I told him it’s the same thing that it’s always been. He asks me to refresh his memory so I say, “You haven’t been looking for a job.” He says so that’s why you’re punishing me. He proceeds to tell me that he worked all week (he did a side job with his brother on Wed, he thinks these occasional dead end side jobs constitute work, and he cleans the dishes and puts them away most days (I clean and manage everything else and take care of our son when I am not riding my bike or at work). I proceed to tell him this situation is intolerable and he needs to find an actual job with an actual company. He is silent, sulks, I let him know that he’s put me in a position that I do not want to be in. He sulks some more, gets up a goes to his office. I went to sleep and in the morning he was locked in his office asleep.
I sent him an email stating I would rather do this in person but since he got up and left I needed to somehow finish what I needed to say. Told him I love you, but not feeling in love, the situation is intolerable and I have been placed in a position that I do not want to be in. I continued to tell him (as you helped me in the previous email) I want to live with a man who has a job and who I respect and that I want that man to be him.
Don’t know if he read the email. I get home and he has moved from the office to our bed. He is still laying around sulking. Our son was up in his room trying to get dressed (he’s 4). I took our son swimming and when I got home he (husband) was in his office on the computer. His phone rang with his brother’s ring and he got up and left and didn’t tell me where he was going.
So I am in the midst of stage 4 with a husband who is giving me the silent treatment. Nice huh? I am still talking to him and being polite (biting my tongue a lot, occasionally slipping) I will still not have sex with him and I am no longer going to give him money.
If he chooses to get his shit together (to me that is doing a job search daily, have a completed resume, and applying to jobs each week and eventually getting a job; if he chooses to do side jobs while looking for a permanent job that is acceptable) then is it ok to go back to having sex and sharing money? I just don’t want to end up in the position of rewarding him and then he ceases all further efforts because the is now getting what he wants. That’s been the past pattern: He’d do just enough to appease me then stop because he’s get what he’s want or I’d stop standing up for myself.
I don’t think I should give into the sulking either. In the past he knew that’s how to break me. He’d sulk, I’d feel guilty even if my viewpoint was valid and give into whatever he wanted (that’s how we had a corvette at one time among other expensive junk)
I’m planning to give this phase a week. If he does not have a resume and is looking for and applying to work I am planning to move to phase 5. (Athol – Phase Four is a week at the longest.)
So I guess I just need to confirm that what I expect (a typed up resume and active job search) is proof that he is starting to turn things around and is reasonable.
Sorry for long post. Just frustrated and wondering how the hell my life ended up like this.
(Athol – note how reasonable her demands are – have a typed resume, look for a job, get one eventually. That’s not impossible to do. These are not hysterical emotional demands. This isn’t Fitness Testing. These are reasonable requests.)
Paulette: Sorry Athol it just got worse. So I’m thinking I need to to either just move on to stage 5 or maybe just fast forward to 6?
The husband just laid into me before he left for poker. Think he’s po’d because I did not give him money (in fact he scrounged up money from the change jars). He basically went on about how I am a nasty person and that I’ve been a complete jerk this whole last year. According to him I am unsupportive and should be nicer to him. (Athol – anyone hear shades of the unconditional love speech?)
I reiterated that this situation is intolerable to me and that I need him to find a job. I am also apparently the cause of all his anxiety attacks (he refuses meds or therapy). The issue of attraction came up and I did calmly tell him that my attraction is diminished because of this issue. He went off that I was a low scumbag for saying that, he’s never say that to me, etc.maybe he should tell me I am not attractive but that wouldn’t be true. I told him at that point that if there are things he is not happy with we should discuss them so we could work on them. He just continued to blame me for everything. Has never taken any accountability for his actions.
He was upset that I think he hasn’t been looking for a job. He says he’s been talking to people and that the job counselor he saw (I made the appointment before I found your site and book) said the most important thing he could do was to get out there and talk to people. Yet he has not personally put in applications anywhere, has not typed up the rough draft resume he worked on with the job counselor 1 month ago and does not do a job search ever (the counselor showed him how to do this and quite frankly if you can find things on the Internet shouldn’t one be able to pull up the want ads on Craigslist?). He also took a pair of 10 lb weights and threw them on the floor during this “discussion”. (Athol – I’m going to equate that to about the same thing as door slamming . No property destruction, just loud and noisy. If he does it again, I would advise dealing with it firmly, but if you don’t react to it, the behavior is likely to diminish. So we cautiously ignore it for the moment.)
So in a nutshell I am thinking I have possibly married the batshit crazy male version and just need to throw in the towel or does a man go crazy like this before there it real change?
Athol: sounds like you are on track. It’s hard I know, but it’s your only hope for being effective. A clear list of your expectations to him is important too. You absolutely can’t fold up now or you go right back to Phase One… for a very long time.
Hang in there. Write me anytime
Paulette: Just an update. Last night he came home 3:30 in the am. Apologized for the immature conversation we had earlier. I just restated what I need to make things work. Then this am. I get dressed up and go out on errands. When I return he tells me that he read my email. He’s acting panicked. He goes back and forth between trying to justify his behavior and slipping back into childish tactics. Throughout the whole conversation that I will know he is serious about working on our marriage if he has his resume typed up and email to the job counselor he saw for final review/suggestions and that he does a daily job search and submits applications for employment. Wow, the reaction I got. I got I can’t believe your feeling for me have changed, I still feel about you as I always have, I can’t believe the demands you are making on me (I came back with I am not asking anything unreasonable). Then went on trying to convince me that I was horrible for not being more understanding for the loss of the business and yada yada.
He also carried on about how he doesn’t know how to act around me now, he’s afraid to come up to me ant touch me, hug me, etc and that he just has to sneak a peak at me every now and then. He said “Well I guess if I am in a touchy feely mood I will just need to pet the cat.”
He really tried to lay the guilt trip that I was an unreasonable, unloving, unsupportive wife. I told him I am really hoping he will do what I ask so I can be in a relationship with him. I think he also thinks I have another man on the side ready to take his place.
So I stood my ground over a 2 hour conversation and am hoping when I come home from work tomorrow am that the resume will be typed and sent.
He also said once I meet your demands just what what I am going to demand from you. . .
Athol: everything is going very well then.
Old Normal ——> Destabilization Period —–> New Normal
There will be a period of destabilization where he freaks out and tries to get you to back down, and return to the “Old Normal”, but just hold your ground and insist on getting to the “New Normal”.
You are being *very* reasonable. All you are asking for is proof of effort toward getting a job. In a sense he can’t even fail at that as all you’re asking for is effort. He can completely control his putting in the effort to finding a job.
He is threatening you a little at the end with his mysterious demand that he will put on you. I’m assuming he’s going to want hot sex, and I’m in a general sense I’d advise you to be agreeable to anything you’d also enjoy. It’s both a reward for him, and after all…. the actual goal you are looking for as well!
Incidentally… he read your email because he feared that you had possibly started developing a relationship with another man as the reason you suddenly switched things up on him. Which is true in a sense…. you met me! The good news is that I’m not out to split you guys up et al. He’ll like himself a whole lot better with a job, and deep down he knows that.
Keep it going. You are doing great.
(And for him who reads the email…. she does love you. But you gotta get your shit together or you will lose her. She’s gotten a taste of her own inner strength now. Find yours, you won her once, you can win her again.)
Paulette: Just a good update Today I came home from work this morning and went to sleep as I have to go back tonight. Did not ask hubby about the resume. He talked to me a bit but I went to sleep. Later when I woke up and was starting to get ready he told me he had something for me. He handed me his typed up resume.
He also gave me the bike helmet (I thought he had already bought it from the way he teased about it earlier in the week but he didn’t. He took the money he just got paid from the side job he completed to buy it) He gave me the helmet today because our 4 year old was go with him and couldn’t contain the surprise.
I was very happy about the resume. Let him kiss me, feel me up then he gave me great oral and I was so turned on I gave him a BJ.
Told he had to do a job search and submit applications every day this week if I was going to fuck him but also told him I would gladly give him a BJ for each day he did a job search and submitted job applications. I also let him know that things were on the right track and need to keep moving in this direction. He told me he loved me and that I look beautiful. I told him that once he got a job he better be prepared to have the brains screwed out of him for an entire weekend in celebration. He said you don’t have to give me a BJ each day I look for a job and I just looked at him and said, “Do you think that I don’t like sex?” Then he goes “No”
So hopefully progress will continue.I will keep you updated. I am not backing down and expect that my husband will be the man I need him to be and if chooses not to then I will move on with my dignity.
Oh to clarify earlier. The email he read is not the advice you have been sending me, it was the I love but I’m not in love with you speech you helped me with. I ended up sending him an email the 1st night this all went down because I didn’t get to say everything I needed to say to him because he left our room and locked himself in the office that night and I wasn’t going to see him in the morning because I had to leave earlier for work. I think he thought I might be seeing someone else because I dress a lot better to go do errands, I started riding with this bike club and mentioned the fact that most of the other riders are men ( left out the part that they are old enough to be my grandfather) and in his mind once a women says I love you but I’m not in love with you that usually means someone else is waiting in the wings.
Thank you (and Jennifer too!) because I couldn’t have gotten this far without your help.
End of email saga.
And I’m back!
A key thing to pay attention to is that her turning off the sex is a very appropriate taste of the future without her. Then as soon as he starts moving in the right direction, the sex resumes. Is it a dirty trick? A cruel use of sex as a weapon? Well kinda, but the reality is he was going to get kicked to the curb, and the sex with her was going to go away for good. It’s a tough love tactic.
It’s also important that she never has an expectation that he will have a job tomorrow. He’s just got to get off the couch and start looking. So she rewards the behavior she wants to see.
Likewise with the whole “Fat Wife” issue in the prior post. It’s simply not possible to be 200 pounds one day, and 130 pounds the next. The reward and positive encouragement have to kick in when she starts the process of weight loss.
Half the battle is simply stopping supporting them doing the behavior you don’t want, and offering support for the behavior that you do want. That you can have control over.
Also for the husband in question, he’s been painted as a bit of a lazy ass. Deep down though, I know he’s been quietly hating himself for not doing what he should be doing. As soon as he gets a job he’s going to feel vastly better about himself and more confident. It’s pretty hard to be anything close to Alpha without a paycheck.
Sometimes life sucks and shit happens. My hunch is that he’s a good guy that just got into a rut. A few months to a year from now, let’s all hope he’s a good guy with a strut.