I love it when someone reads my stuff, completely gets it, and just starts the turnaround no matter how far in the wrong direction they had been walking. GeekTom is one of those guys. To be sure MMSL was not the only influence with Tom, but a good part of the puzzle. Here’s his story so far.
Athol, I know you like to hear feedback from your work, especially positive, so I wanted to give you an update about the last couple of days. But first, some background.
In December of last year, my wife and I both had BMI’s in the 40s (mine close to 50) and were pretty unsatisfied in our marriage. Not unhappy, per se, but definitely feeling like there was something missing. This dissatisfaction affected me more visibly than my wife, or so I assumed due to the fact that I had better insight into my thoughts and feelings than her’s, and it was slowly created within me a growing sense of frustration which was slowly building into rage. My wife was not sexually attracted to me, and honestly, I wasn’t too hot for her either, physically. Mentally and Emotionally I was totally wanting to stick it to her any chance I could, and was obsessive about it so much that I literally crushed any spark of interest in her. She would give me obligatory sex, because she knew intellectually that’s what married people did and she did love me very much, but I could since there was little to no enthusiasm in it.
This combination of pressured, reluctant sex combined with the honest fact that she didn’t turn me on physically created a lot of performance issues, which led to performance anxiety, which led to more obsession about sex. I learned last October through No More Mr Nice Guy that I was using sex from my wife as validation that I was still a desirable man, knowing full well myself that my fat out shape form was not attractive to anyone, and more often than not, viewed with pity or sympathy. I was able to work on the validation issue towards the end of last year and accepted some harsh truths about myself, in part thanks to your website and the work of Dr Glover (author of No More Mr Nice Guy). My wife was not sexually attracted to me, she loved me, but I did not feel the “in love” vibe from her. In fact, in many ways I think she’d adopted the power position of mothering me, which I chaffed at a lot but until recently couldn’t figure out how to shake.
One of my frustrations was from the concept of “knowing the path” and “walking the path” (cue Matrix flash-back), and trying to intellectually lead my wife in to change. We would talk about our marriage, and would both make excellent points about things we needed to change, but my wife wouldn’t follow through with her side of things. In fact, our initial efforts to lose weight, she openly sabotaged us by buying the sweets we both had weakness for. I knew what needed to be done, I gave instructions on things I wanted changed, and I did what I thought best, but it never really brought about long term changes that I wanted. My wife was pretty resistant to change, and I assumed the worst of her during those moments. I assumed that she was trying to keep me fat, and unhappy as some sort of cruel joke (issues from my very bad first marriage). But, I’ve learned (and recently relearned from reading your book) that she was simply resistant to change because change isn’t easy or familiar.
After the death of her father through advanced weight and diabetes issues, I observed one of those moments that really teaches you a solid lesson. I watched nurses try to give my father in law as much dignity as they could, but his large girth and weight, combined with his body having open sores from the diabetes, made his treatment very uncomfortable. And, I witnessed people out of necessity do things that I truly hope to never experience. So I made a command decision to take both my wife and I to a weight loss clinic a friend of mine had had success with and we went in for a consultation. I had made up my mind that regardless of her decision, I was going to use this program to lose weight. It created a financial strain on us due to the doctor visits and the specialized food, but my wife followed my lead. She whined about the cost a couple of times, but I quickly and firmly told her it was worth the minor sacrifices, and continued pushing forward.
She’s reveling in our success. She’s lost close to 50 lbs and she’s smaller than I’ve ever seen her. I’ve lost 85lbs as of this morning and I feel great. So I took charge of an issue that was bothering me, and I moved forward with it and my wife was a good first officer and followed me. She supported the direction of my actions and respected the direction I was taking, and not replying to my talking about change with her verbally agreeing.
So with the weight coming off, and we’re continuing to lose. We both have roughly another 40 lbs to go to be at our goals. We’ve noticed a lot more energy and vitality in life and for me personally an almost zest to go live. Go DO stuff! I love being physically active.
The sexual side of our marriage was improving but we did a lot of emotional damage over 8 years of obesity and insecurity. So back in February when we started the weight loss program I started being very direct about my expectation of sex from her. I stopped asking for sex, and simply grabbed her by the hand and led her to the bedroom. I was totally floored it was that simple. She simply followed my action. Granted it wasn’t 100% and sometimes I’d want sex during times if I’d paid a little attention knew she wouldn’t be interested in.
Additionally, I like women in lingerie it’s a huge turn on for me. I asked her several times to go buy some, but she never did. Never following through with her agreement to do so. I assumed at times that she was disregarding my desires and totally blowing me off. And, she was, but her reasons for doing so were not malicious rather she was not comfortable with her body to feel sexy in lingerie, and being insecure, she needed me to take the lead for her. Something I totally missed. Also my wife was raised in a very religious home with a strong, strong dose of modesty stirred into her upbringing. She seriously struggles with being sexy or naughty, especially when I don’t engender that desire in her.
This long winded email brings us to the last few days.
Being that it’s a holiday we had several family commitments. But, today on the 4th, things fell through and my wife was being whiny about not feeling good. My long standing issue of being too Beta was creeping in this morning, I was asking her what she wanted to do, was she feeling up to doing anything. And she was really whiny but I didn’t sense that she was really sick. I was reading your book on The MAP and realized that I was in charge. That today was whatever I made of it. I’d remembered my wife pointing out many times how baggy her clothes were getting and off hand mentioned that she should probably get a new pair of jeans that actually fit her. And I remembered your post from a few days ago about taking your woman shopping (something I’d never considered before since it seemed too “girlfriend-ish”).
So I decided what my plan would be. I showered and got ready. Then walked into the living room and told her: “You have 20 minutes to get ready. I’m taking you out to buy you a new pair of pants, and shirt of my liking and we’re getting two sets of lingerie.” No Argument, no resistance. Any whining about being sick disappeared and she was off getting ready.
By the time we arrived at the store, she was suddenly quite giggly and enjoying the moment. I told her several times with a pat on the bottom to stay in this area, while I went off to another part of the store. With the help of the clerk at the fitting room, I was able to over ride my wife’s extremely modest choice in clothing and got some really form fitting jeans for her. She wore them very well. As we were shopping, I told her whatever she picked out she was going to be wearing before we left the store so to pick something she wanted to wear today.
As we were checking out, she grabbed her clothes before I had even paid yet and took off to the bathroom to change. The clerk asked if we had plans, I told her “No that sometimes she just likes pleasing me.” No embarrassment on my part, I was a man, and my woman pleased me. Didn’t care either way if she thought I was an insensitive prick, because my wife was totally following my lead.
I took her to another store nearby and we shopped for a nice panty/top combo. She surprised me by getting a white one that I was unaware of, as well as the red one I specifically requested. This is a big win to me, not only did we buy the lingerie today, she got one she thought I’d like better, while still following my directions.
I took her to a friends for a BBQ where the other women gushed over her weight loss and how great she looked. Several positive comments were made my way.
Afterwards, as we got home, I decided to watch a movie and expected my wife to go to bed. She walked out in the lingerie and cuddled next to me. She looked damn fine. There was a stirring in my pants, and I was quite affectionate. I could sense she didn’t want to have sex, but wanted to be sexy for me. I was right and she soon passed out before the movie was over, but I took her to bed without missing an Alpha beat. I tucked her in, and told her we would pick up in the morning. The vibe I got from her was finally.. I can’t wait. The look in her eye said she was looking forward to it.
It’s a good start to changing things and I’m sure there will be set-backs, but today was a good day. I lived the role of Alpha with a dash of Beta and my wife ate it up.
Sorry this was so long winded. Now, back to reading your book.
Athol: Read some more of his story at his “How I got here” page.