Not sure I’ve covered this one before because it’s such a red flag, but you never know, so I’ll throw it out there anyway. All this applies to men taking their ring off too.
It’s not always clear precisely what it means when she takes the wedding ring off, but it always means “something is rotten in the state of Denmark”.
She might be gearing up to cheat on you. She may already be cheating on you. She may hate your guts and fantasize about poisioning you slowly over six months. She may be mentally checking out of the marriage and thinking about divorce. She may be taking off the wedding ring to compartmentalize doing something very nasty to you. She may be taking the ring off to try and freak you out. She might have taken the ring off because she knows the divorce papers she ordered to be served to you are arriving in three days. To be honest it’s not even the reasons she takes her ring off that we can think of that should scare you, it’s the reasons we can’t.
The wedding ring is extremely symbolic of the committment to your marriage. Thus when it comes off, it’s extremely symbolic of the lack of committment to your marriage. So as long as the ring is off her finger, it’s “Red Alert. Shields Up.” Then you find out through whatever legal means are at your disposal what exactly is going on with her. There will always be something funky going on. Always. As in always.
Should the ring come off her finger, it’s often a passive-aggressive version of saying “I want a divorce”. You wouldn’t let that one slide by without a serious apology if it was said in anger, and should the ring slip off her finger and then mysteriously slip back on again, you should also expect an explanation and an apology. Otherwise, just assume that the increased passivity of putting the ring back on is matched by an increased rage against you beneath the surface.
So always get to the bottom of it. Always. As in always.
That being said, there are some quite legitmate reasons not to wear a wedding ring. It is against regulations to wear them in several professions/jobs. Some people become allergic to the metal and can’t wear them without getting a nasty rash on their finger. In these cases you can’t wear the ring because of these legitimate reasons. That’s the key phrase though – legitimate reasons. You have to be able to point to a legitimate reason where you both understand that for either some or all of the time, rings can’t be worn.
If for whatever reason you lose a ring, have an excellent cover story announce it without sounding frightened and with a tone of anger-at-self. When they ask you where you lost it, yell “If I knew where I lost it, I wouldn’t have lost it now would I!” Spend hours looking for the ring. Hours. As in hours. If you can’t find it, put buying a new one high on the priority list. If you’re a wife that lost them down the kitchen sink, it’s ideal if your husband finds you on your hands and knees… pulling apart the U-joint trap thingy under the sink trying to find them.
So anyway, be advised. The rings are teh serious.
And guys…. stop taking them off and spinning them on the table. There are no prizes to win and only punishments if you lose. It’s like Russian Roulette Lite.
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I am not wearing my wedding ring because I lost a bunch of weight (which my husband is very cool with) and now my ring is so loose I am afraid of losing it down the drain every time I wash my hands so it stays safely in my jewelry box until I (we) have the "extra" $80 – 120 necessary to have it resized. Blame it on my hamster if you want, but I feel like my reason is legitimate
Yep, I know what you mean, Lady Grace. I take all my jewelry off, ring, watch, even my bra when I walk in the door. I put it all back on when I go to leave. I sometimes forget to put the ring on. I'm almost always with a kid or two, so not having a ring on isn't a message to anyone.
I lost my wedding ring in another state. And trust me, I felt (feel, still!) horrible about it, because it was his nana's ring before she passed away. Simple gold band, just what I wanted. We've never had a ring for him, but we literally spent only the $70 it took to get a marriage license and pay the judge for our wedding (the celebration took place much later, when we could afford a little something).
As poor college students, we don't feel we can afford new rings, but I guess we could look at something used. It just isn't all that important to us, overall, and we figure that if a ring is the only sign of commitment, we're in bigger trouble anyway.
Is this my hamster?
I don't think it's a hamster in this case; just economic sense. We didn't get wedding bands until six years after our marriage; simply couldn't afford them at the time.
We both eventually quit wearing them anyway; I just don't find rings comfortable to wear and spouse can't wear them at work as they're a potential safety hazard.
Adding a male comment to the above female comments…
My ring is a simple gold band. I don't wear it at home, and since I work at home that means I rarely wear it. The ring sits on my dresser next to my wallet and keys, and I put it on when I leave the house, although there are exceptions, such as when going out for sports or to a water facility such as a hot springs, because I don't want to lose or damage it or get it caught on something and risk damage to my finger.
My wife has worked part-time in the past, but is currently a full-time housewife. Unless one of us leaves to do something, we are literally together 24 hours a day. She also does not wear her ring at home because it has a high stone setting that interferes with housework and catches on things. We have never gotten an everyday simple band ring for her because it would not be the 'real' ring and IMO there is no need. When we go out somewhere special, she puts it on (like me), although again there are times that one or both forget. No biggie, although I will tease her about it. When she goes out for shopping or errands or with friends, sometimes she wears her wedding ring, sometimes she wears a different fashion ring (usually one I have given her, and still on her ring finger), and sometimes no ring. It doesn't bother or worry me because I know her, I know her friends, and she and they know me.
I would rank my SMV higher than hers, and while I admit to some mistakes over the years, I maintain a fairly strong alpha hand. I am definitely 'into her,' but not so much that she could act with impunity and expect me to roll over. And she is aware of that. There are clear lines that cannot be crossed – things that would make me walk with no second chances. Same with her towards me.
We just celebrated our 20th anniversary and are going strong.
I don't think Arual is indulging her hamster, I think she's just taking the post too literally. The idea applies to the ring if it has that symbolic value for the couple – for most couples, that would be the ring. Maybe for Arual it would something else, like a photo in her wallet or something.
The point being that symbolic acts may very well have meaning behind them. Rings are just the most common and easy to understand. SO if a girl were to, say, leave behind the wallet with her wedding photo and take something cuter out, that might be worth looking into, if the photo was the couple's thing.
I haven't been able to wear my wedding set in months. I can get them on, but nearly need jaws of life to get em off. As my wedding band has the date and initials engraved I refuse to get it re-sized. at the moment I have been wearing my late mother's diamond. I also wear hubby's original band as it got too small for him at one point.
He has RA, so he hasn't been wearing rings.
I like sparklies, so I generally always have something on
My fingers swell up in the heat, and I'm alergic to pretty much every substance known to man (yes, that includes sunlight) so we didn't even bother buying me a ring.
The problem comes with the fact that (1) people have called my husband cheap to his face (grrr…) and (2) it can be hard to play the "I'm married, stop hitting on me" card when you don't wear a ring. It normally works immediately for decent men, and I have no interest in explaining why I don't wear a ring.
My ex-husband wore his ring all of six months, and then he started working in a machine shop where they were not allowed to wear to them for safety reasons. I began wearing it on my thumb. I wore both our rings until the day he walked out of the house and left us. The next day I took both rings and my engagement ring and pawned them.
My wife (soon to be ex) was shocked that her taking her ring off didn't ring any bells this time. We had talked about it years ago, and she couldn't wear it as a nurse, it ripped through the gloves. I challenged her on it since co-workers wore theirs. I eventually found out that she had cheated, and the other times she was going out with her cheating friends getting ready to divorce. I got so used to it not being on that it didn't ring any bells that it had been on then back off. You are absolutely correct the ring needs to be on. It is both symbolic of the relationship to everyone around you, and it is a reminder to yourself.
My rings are off right now because my husband's actions devalued them. He had an emotional affair that was starting to get physical. I had no clue, and even befriended the other woman. I don't plan to leave him, but I also do not feel ready to wear the rings he gave me any time soon. I'm wearing a ring of my own as a placeholder on my left hand. Maybe after we've completed some marriage counseling, I'll be ready to put them back on.
We aren't ring people. My husbands job would cause him to lose a finger with a ring. I wear a copy of his dog tags quite religiously. If I forget to put them(VERY RARELY) on he always asks if everything is Ok. I have a pretty copper ring we found together that I always wear, but the tags mean more to us.
Or she might have atopic dermatitis making the wearing of a ring extremely uncomfortable…
I take my ring off at work. I am in the health field, and with washing my hands every 5 minutes, I find that I get a bit of dermatitis under the ring, if left on. So, the ring comes off once I start working and goes back on as soon as I am done. My wife actually commented on the dermatitis before I stopped wearing the ring during work, so she understands.
http://www.yourtango.com/20086186/a-vacation-from-my-wedding-ring.html
wouldnt like this if I was her husband. My normal rule with relationships is that "if she wants to act single then I will make her single."
You know this is something that is more important that I though for him.
My husband made our rings (he is so cute) but he made mine too big, he always meant to fix it but he never came around to it, so 3 years passed and I was like already used to wearing his ring with my wedding ring so it will stay in place and assumed he didn't care about the rings.
Recently I got a job handling food and I told him that part of the regulations was that my ring should be fitting and small, so they won't rip off the gloves, and given the circunstances I won't be able to use it…two hours later my ring was fixed and in finger. So I think there was a subconcious part of him that didn't wanted me out and about without the ring. He also knows that I hate being hitted on and that showing my ring is part of my protection so there is that too.
But I agree with you the few times I had forgotten my ring I feel totally naked, it has a weight in my mind that does symbolize my husband and our vows. So my guess that if I ever felt like not using it it will mean something is really wrong. My husband also always wear his ring, no matter what.
I wear my ring on my scrub pants tie- I tell my wife its so the nurses have to go through the ring to get to the good parts!
My husbands first wife didn't wear her ring and cheated on him. I know that some people say a ring is just a ring but I know it MEANS something to him. The ring he placed on my hand has never left since he put it there. Even through knee surgery (much begging to that doc). It means something to him so I show that it means something to me. Mutual respect and love.
Sadly, I have two ex husbands. Each of them stopped wearing their ring within weeks or a couple of months of cheating, although each of them had an "excuse" for not wearing their rings at the time. For the first time since my 2nd divorce 7 years ago, I am involved in a relationship, and it has gotten serious. I began wearing a necklace which consists of a simple gold band on a very thin chain. I explained to my man that the gold (symbol of preciousness) circle (the symbol of endlessness) is worn over my heart as a placeholder until such time as we decide if and when to make our relationship legal. In the meantime, it is a symbol of my commitment to him and to us.
During or after an emotional affair online my wife stopped wearing her rings. My analyst and I decided she was "trying out" being divorced. I, of course, was the idiot who didn't even notice! She told me all this after our (ongoing but successful) reconciliation. She didn't disagree with our conclusion.
So it definitely means something
It's a general sign of attachment to another, but there are reasons some can't wear them.
What to watch out for is a *change* in the standard pattern of use. That implies a *whole* lot. It implies it enough that you can still use it as a metaphor in movies (see Apollo 13) and people will still get it.
And, as a single guy that's learn a bit from the PUA community (and since I have some standards), I find myself checking rings in a very subtle fashion. It's such an easy way to figure out is someone is attached or not. So if you want to limit approaches, having a sign you're attached is a good thing.
24/7/365 for both, 10yrs
….and in the darkness bind them.
My STBX is still wearing her ring, even when she sees the man she had an EA with. She has pledged to do so until our divorce is final. Weird, but that's her prerogative. I wear mine at home (we still live in the same house for financial reasons), but when I go out it's off.
My wedding ring never comes off my finger. My husband's ring never coems off, either.
For some reason this post resonated with me when I read it a couple weeks ago. I don't know if that has anything to do with what happened but basically while at the beach the other day my wife and I were goofing around wrestling in the ocean and the waves. She had fallen down and was getting tossed around so I quickly grabbed her hand. Well, her hand slipped and took my ring with it and was lost for good.
Spent the next two hours combing the beach hoping against logic that it would wash up but..I mean, why would it?
What are the next steps a happily married couple should take? Just go buy a new one and call it fixed? I know it's just "stuff" but we're both really bummed that we lost my ring and it almost feels like getting a new one would be a limp gesture.
Mike, just for you…
http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2011/08/forget-ring-schwartz-is-in-you.html
That was great! Thanks!
Buy or borrow a cheap metal detector. Check which angle the waves were hitting the beach, it pushes the sand and ring along the beach in that direction. It is called long shore drift. Your ring will almost certainly be on that side of the beach. The ring will also be dragged gradually out to sea, so you need to detect in the more "out to sea" part of the sand when the tide is out, if you have a large tidal range. Very good chance of finding your ring if lost within a few weeks.
When takes here ring off it's over man. I said it based in my own experiences.
My wife has stopped wearing her wedding ring for no obvious reason….my heart is broken.
Email me the background / story please.
My wife has stopped wearing her wedding ring and it has crushed me. Her reasoning is because it is too big and her engagement ring is the only thing that will keep it on. However she doesn’t want to wear her engagement ring because she feels our engagement wasn’t “perfect” how she wanted it to be. Honestly I don’t know what to do. This truly broke my heart. I have now stopped wearing my ring because seeing it just makes me think about her not wearing hers.
when we got married at the time,date, and what I was allowed to wear,within a week of a serious accident and my mom in hospital, even before the marriage, had to bring my wedding rings back as he couldn’t afford them and he didn’t like the style(they weren’t plain or just a band); however, he got the band he wanted and now he doesn’t care if I get a wedding band; in fairness I had a another set(it was very nice, but just okay to me), it was stolen..but he doesn’t care if I have a wedding ring or not.
My fiance and I got into an argument. She told me the next day that she didn’t wear her engagement ring at work all day. I was deeply hurt by that. Can anyone offer an opinion?