Reader question: I’ve been reading a little on tantric sex, and some authors speak of male ejaculation as something that’s a serious drain on the body. So, there are tons of references to working up to climax and backing down not just for the fun of it, but to keep from sucking the life out of a man. My man can cum 3-4 times in a session if it’s been a few days. I love it, and I’m addicted to his seed! But, since he has a physically taxing job, I worry that I’m wearing him out. Yes, there are days when I can tell he’s tired, so I don’t push. But, my fear is lurking… Any medical info on this, Athol?
Athol: The entire point of a man is to produce cum and shoot it in your direction. As long as he has a good diet, everything is working as intended. Enjoy!
It’s fun once in a while to dam up the cum supply for a few additional days and explode in or on her, but long term orgasm denial and/or chasity devices are simply counter to the design specs of the male sexual anatomy. Plus the female sexual anatomy is designed to expect to be splattered with cum fairly often. After a certain point of not getting the moneyshot, vagina is going to start to wonder what the hell is wrong with penis.
If you are going to play the “dam up the cum” game, suggest doing it over her period and then blow a gallon of semen into her vagina once her period is finished. You do not want to do it over her ovulation time. You essentially don’t want to get into a long term “role play” of having what amounts to be a sexual dysfunction though.
One of the great temptations in doing the MAP toward the end of the process, is to use your new attractiveness to create a serious attachment to someone outside your marriage. After years of struggling to get your wife to show you attention, affection and sex, to suddenly have that offered from another woman is near impossible to turn down.
But I think you should think carefully before you start up a relationship triangle between you, your soon to be ex-wife and a girlfriend.
The first thing to know is that anyone you attach to like this, is a transitional person.
Urban Dictionary: A transitional person is the first person you date during and/or after the ugly ending of a long term serious relationship, or possibly a drawn out death of your partner. They comfort you through the pain, self doubt, insecurity and other difficulties. Then, as you heal, they are a reminder of that terrible time and pain, so you gently ease them out of your life.
Only 3% of affairs turn into a new marriage, and those marriages fail at very high rates. So when you have an affair partner during the last year of your marriage, realize that your affair partner will not be part of your life over the long term. Or in plain English, when you leave your wife for another woman in particular, it’s odds on that you will eventually end up with neither one of them.
Should your transitional person actually realize that they are your transitional person at any point, they may end the relationship. Typically this happens at the worse possible moment for you, usually just as you step boldly and bravely out the door leaving your sobbing wife behind, only to hear your girlfriend tell you that she’s going to give it one more try with her husband and she can’t see you anymore.
Failing to make the jump between women like this is called Not Sticking The Landing, and it basically means you are seriously screwed, and all by your own hand.
So in terms of running the MAP, I generally advise not actually getting a girlfriend into the mix or having a full fledged affair. By all means flirt and prove that you can pull female attention – in fact that’s vital. But gaining a transitional person means that you have started to abandon fixing your marriage as a goal, it makes the situation more complex and you abandon the moral high ground.
The moral high ground is important to keep if you have it. It’s one thing to leave a woman with a serious drinking problem that refuses to get help. It’s another thing to have your marriage finally fail because you had an affair in no small part because of her drinking problem. By the time the spin doctors get through with it, she only ever had a drinking problem because of your affairs. And by “spin doctors” I mean her lawyers.
So keep the problem you are trying to fix simple and reasonable. Once the divorce is final (or close to it), then it’s far easier to move forward with a new relationship without the old one dragging behind like a broken anchor.
Sitting on your butt and looking beautiful is only sexy if you’re a woman. If you’re a man…
Playing football is sexy.
Watching football, not so much.
Making money is sexy.
Reading about someone else making money, not so much.
Being in good physical shape is sexy.
Talking about getting into shape, not so much.
Walking up to a woman and starting a conversation is sexy.
Reading pick up artist blogs and books, not so much.
Wearing nice clothes is sexy.
Thinking about wearing nice clothes, not so much.
Getting a promotion at work is sexy.
Complaining about work, not so much.
Traveling to another country is sexy.
Watching the Discovery Channel not so much.
Doing something a little risky is sexy.
Always being safe, warm and dry, not so much.
Saying what you want in bed is sexy.
Watching porn about what you want in bed, not so much.
Becoming a Black Belt is sexy.
Playing Street Fighter on XBOX, not so much.
Re-telling the story about something you did is sexy.
Telling the story about something someone else did, not so much.
Finishing your high fantasy novel and holding the finished book in your hand is sexy.
Playing World of Warcraft, not so much.
You can’t do everything that is sexy, just pick a couple things and get started on them. Everything else on the list that you can’t do fully, are fine to enjoy as entertainment and fun. Just make sure you’re in motion.
Don’t be boring. Even your colossal screw ups can be better than doing nothing.
We live in Connecticut and I’m sure you know that we have a hurricane / tropical storm / media masturbation thing happening.
Still it might be rougher than a normal storm so we’ve done a few added precautions. The cars have full tanks of gas, we have extra candles and batteries, water, food and we took inside all the potted plants and deck chairs etc. Plus we finally took apart the trampoline that was becoming increasingly dead. The girls quite enjoyed that authorized destruction.
But along with that happy to help attitude, the kids are a little nervous about it all. There’s been two solid days of foretelling of doom and power outages on the TV so it’s understandable. Youngest quite concernedly asked earlier in the day if we would have to evacuate, and she’s the calmer one of the two. Jennifer responded with a discussion about how we live close to a transformer station and hardly ever lose power, we’re all ready, not over much to worry about, we’ll probably get a flooded basement but that’s about it.
This is all true. But these are all words.
Which is in part why I requested a stop at the grocery store for “junk food and movies.” My stated plan for tomorrow being limited to eating junk food and watching movies while it rains. We have so many battery powered devices that can play movies, I think we’ll be all set for hours upon hours. We’ve been without power for about ten minutes over the last six years I think.
Action carries the day. Even if that action happens to be sitting around eating cheese. It’s one thing saying “there’s nothing to worry about”, and another thing acting like there’s nothing to worry about. The girls have been relaxed ever since we stocked up on junk food and got to prep for the storm by tearing apart the trampoline. Youngest even switched it around on me at bedtime and said she now hoped we lose power “because it’s fun.”
Anyway, I got to do the heavy lifting of chairs and stuff into the garage, and then generally just lolled around like a bored lion. A hurricane is a serious event. So get ready (Beta), and once you’re ready, remain calm (Alpha). Most major events require those basic traits.
It’s also been fun to have a whole weekend with Jennifer for the first time in several weeks. She was all set to do her thing at the Hot Air Balloon festival in Plainville today. Can’t imagine why they cancelled it. Not that I care, I’m always happy to race over and help deconstruct her tent and take her home.
When you rent an apartment, all the landlord truly cares about is, (1) will you be able to pay the rent, (2) are you going to trash the apartment, and (3) are you going to turn the dining room into a meth-lab. So if the landlord has even a walnut sized brain, before they lease the apartment to you, they run credit and criminal background checks on you. If all checks out, you get the apartment.
The landlord does not care if you are pretty.
When you meet a woman and start thinking about moving from a non-serious relationship into a serious one, all you tend to automatically care about is whether or not she is pretty.
A while back I mentioned that I have a lot of my most frequent phone contacts listed in my phone with a numbering system. That way they stay at the top of my contact list for easy access. The current set up is:
This was the post I started writing yesterday… but I got side tracked writing about how smart my cat was.
The original point I was going to use Max for, was that despite being “just a cat”, he clearly displays adaptation to his environment. If you do something a few times related to something important to him, he learns and adapts to the situation. He gets used to it.
As long time readers know, I work with developmentally disabled clients. Now while they are by definition below average IQ, I can very much assure you that they learn and adapt to their environment. They extremely quickly learn who the weak staff are and who will stick to the plan. Who gets scared and who will stand their ground. Who makes the best food for dinner and who doesn’t. Sure they need assistance to live safely, but they learn and adapt to the situation in a way that simply dwarfs any animal. They also get bored.
For a normal or above range IQ human, adaptation is wickedly fast. We hear a song on the radio and just love it, but by the tenth time it’s just okay. We read a dozen fiction books in a genre, and halfway through the next book we are already starting to predict the plot. We mix and match recipes with ease and predict the taste of food we’ve never eaten or cooked even as we make it. Humans are the absolute masters of adaptation.
This mastery of adaptation is problematic in two ways for Game. The first is obvious, all those Pick Up Artist special routines and gimmicks are great for meeting a woman for the first time or a second time. But once you’ve done your clever routine twice in her presence, she adapts and realizes it’s a canned routine. Doing it a third time to her makes her want to switch her attention to another guy just the same way she flips from station to station trying to find a song she likes.
The second problem is less obvious, but dramatically important. If you keep displaying nothing but Alpha traits to her repeatedly, she adapts to it and the Alphaness is less impressive. While you are off doing your man of action thing, she’s sitting home and complaining to her friend that you’re supposedly Mr Impressive, but somehow she isn’t all that impressed.
Likewise if you display nothing but Beta Traits to her repeatedly, she adapts to it and the Betaness is less comforting and emotionally meaningful. You’re always around doing stuff for her, but you’re more of a friend than a man.
The solution is as I’ve said often before to mix up the Alpha and Beta on her. Think of it as a relationship “muscle confusion” tactic aka P90X or Supreme 90 Day exercise. You never give her time to fully adapt to you being a certain way, so she has an ongoing positive emotional reaction to you that builds over time.
The absolute wrong answer is to switch from an “all Beta” approach, get the early positive reaction from switching to an all Alpha approach, and then struggle to understand why continuing to be perfectly Alpha is less and less effective. Then when Alpha is less effective… add even more Alpha and become bigger, louder and more obnoxious to her.
If the problem is you’re too Alpha, add Beta. If the problem is you’re too Beta, add Alpha.
You have to switch back and forth on her. Hey look at my nice body, watch me be a man of action, I’m so in love with you. I’m going to studfuck you, then we’ll cuddle. Don’t shit on me or I’ll kick you out, but there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.
I found him as a tiny kitten utterly lost, crying and stumbling across the back lawn one Saturday. A scrap of black fur inconveniently placed in front of my mower. We bottle fed him for a while and he pulled through just fine. The girls were so little then, everyone got their ba-bas, and no doubt Max thinks he’s one of our kids. He’s also calm and affectionate with visiting kids and toddlers and always quietly leads them on the guided tour of the house, ending in the kitchen and him staring at the drawer with the cat treats.
Max is exceptionally smart, knowing everyone’s pattern of movements and sleeping schedules. During the week, he will climb on Jennifer in bed by 730am to make sure she’s up. On the weekend, Max sleeps in too. On Jennifer’s work from home days he sits on the chair next to her and naps on and off, with periodic prompts for strokes and cuddles. He greets everyone as they come in the house as a sort of feline doorman. Artful Dodger style, he’ll will hit up…
Everyone has good days and bad days in a relationship, so not every day or week will go wonderfully in your marriage. Bad moods can come and go. However bad moods, changes in behavior or general wierdness shouldn’t go on and on without explanation or investigation.
I’m still somewhat reading the Talk About Marriage forum but commenting less and less. I’m just getting frustrated with the near constant issue of variations on the theme of, “My wife has been cranky with me for no reason that I understand and going out with her newly divorced girlfriend a lot. This has been going on for the last two years. How do I reconnect with her?”
Regular MMSL readers will already be facepalming and groaning. Dude, did you not see the signs?
And yes, almost always the problem is that an affair of some sort has been going on for the last two years. Which generally means the poster is screwed with an enormously difficult situation to resolve. The biggest aspect of his failure is simply a failure to do anything to understand the situation. Nearly any other reaction would have been better than simply doing nothing and hoping her attitude would change toward him.
A wife’s affair at the two year mark is usually deeply physical and emotionally intense with the lover, and coupled with a very shallow connection to the husband. But at the two week mark, an affair is usually only at the flirting level with inappropriate texts, emails and phone calls. That’s vastly easier to head off and resolve things.
It may not even be cheating either. It can be any number of potentially relationship breaking problems that cause your spouse to get strange on you.
So the rule is simple…
Anytime you notice your partner being usually moody, odd, avoidant or devious with you, never let it go on more than two weeks without getting to the bottom of it.