Are You Having Sexual Leftovers?

Individual sex acts fall into three groups: (1) stuff you like, (2) stuff you don’t mind and (3) stuff you do not want. It’s easy to get in a sexual rut in a marriage, simply by sticking to the sort of sex acts that both of you like.
That seems a little odd on first read, so let me explain.
Say the husband likes sex acts A B C D E and F. The wife only likes the sex acts A B H J and K.
So the only things leftover on the sexual menu they both like are A and B. As they are both happy doing A and B, it’s very tempting to do A and B a lot, which is fine because they do both like it.
But turn up the stress levels in the marriage by say a new baby, or a family illness, shift change or whatever, the frequency of sex can take a little bit of a hit. So their reduced sexual activity pattern can look like this…
A A B A B A B A B A A A B A B B A A A A A B A B B A
The good news is that they stay in sexual contact together through the stressful time. That’s a plus. But when the stress passes and they can resume their normal sexual activity, for some reason it looks like this…
A A B A B A B A B A A A B A B B A A A A A B A B B A
Which means they are still in the same old sexual rut and having the sexual leftovers all the time. They do both like it, but without the added stimulation of the stressful family situation, having just the sexual leftovers all the time becomes under stimulating to them. Or in plain English, boring as hell.
The solution is to sit down together and really breakdown the sexual menu together again. They both like A and B, so that stays something they will do. But the husband likes C D E and F, and it may turn out that the wife doesn’t actually mind C D and E, but does not want F at all. So C D and E can get easily worked into the things they do. The wife wants H J and K, and it may turn out that the husband doesn’t mind H or J, but doesn’t want K. So H and J can get on the cycle as well.
Suddenly the new pattern is…
A B C H A B D J A B E A A C H B A H E C A B A C H J J D A B…
So that’s gone from just two sexual things, and spread out to seven things to do together. They aren’t always doing what they both like every day, but they also don’t mind it either. Plus with a partner you love, it’s a definitely enjoyable experience to see them getting something they want sexually. If nothing else it’s more stimulating and enjoyable.
The sticking point is those pesky things that one person really wants, but the other really does not want. The issue of I want to F, you seek K.
Maybe you can switch off and trade on those nasty, filthy, dirty degrading things they want. Maybe as a special act of love you let them have that thing once in a while. Maybe it’s just something you can’t do.
Maybe F and K are like your personal Green Eggs and Ham.
 

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Comments

  1. Smart says:

    Athol…

    Like the play on words "I want to F, you seek K."

    Phonetically, "I want to F.U.C.K".

    Well done.

  2. Sai says:

    Awesome. I didn't catch that.

  3. Athol Kay says:

    Lol it's a line in a Brittany Spears song. It just happened to fit though.

  4. Anonymous says:

    A B A A B A B A B A B A A A B A2M

  5. Lainey says:

    I do want to say that when things are stressed in the marriage, like money worries, job worries, relationship issues, new baby, etc. These are absolutely normal issues that are downers but to be expected in a ltr or marriage, then I think doing A B A B A B is still okay. Connecting physically on some level keeps things going. It's when the sex completely stops when things are a challenge that things can get dangerous.

  6. Eric says:

    The dynamic in my marrage is that I like A-Q, while my wife likes A,B,C,D,E,and F. I'm comfortable (and eager) doing anything she finds pleasurable, but there are some things I find pleasurable that she does not like to do. This isn't really a problem becasue there is enough mutually comfortable sexual variety to keep things fresh and stimulating. And while it is rare (and usually random) that she engages in one of those mismatched behaviors, it does happen, and sometimes she finds out that she enjoys them more than she thought.

    The important thing is to remember to play the long game. My wife and I have been married 11 years, and for the first 2-3 years, it was pretty much just A,B, and C. You stretch your comfort zones over time (and liquor). We've added a finger here or a lick there over the years… and hopefully will continue to do so. If we'd started out in year one with the full menu, we'd probably be quite bored by now, or else we'd be engaging in some fairly extremem behaviors in order to keep things interesting.

  7. Athol Kay says:

    Eric – Try some booze + ovulation for the push for new things :-)

  8. Eric says:

    Athol, I've tried but no matter how much booze I drink I just can't seem to ovulate.

  9. cryptoprocta says:

    This was invaluable. We're both A – Z kinda people anyway, but this site really gets some discussions going!

    http://mojoupgrade.com/

    You and your partner do a separate survey on what you'd like to try, then it gives you a list of what has matched. The survey is very comprehensive! Everyone I've introduced to it has thanked me. "You think you know a person…"

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