Due Diligence Before You Marry

When you rent an apartment, all the landlord truly cares about is, (1) will you be able to pay the rent, (2) are you going to trash the apartment, and (3) are you going to turn the dining room into a meth-lab. So if the landlord has even a walnut sized brain, before they lease the apartment to you, they run credit and criminal background checks on you. If all checks out, you get the apartment.
The landlord does not care if you are pretty.
When you meet a woman and start thinking about moving from a non-serious relationship into a serious one, all you tend to automatically care about is whether or not she is pretty.
Buy Me!

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    It also doesn't hurt to meet as much of your potential spouse's family as you can. If the siblings or parents are into drugs, debt, or legal trouble its very likely that person is already there or headed there very soon, no matter how much you try to intervene.

    /cry

  2. ? B says:

    Very well sad. My LDR fiance and I have both been open about our debts (I'm much further in the red than he is!) but we were both screwed over my ex's. But we both know about it. At least.

  3. Looking Glass says:

    Hehe, you're also marrying the "whole person", that means their entire history, in all regards. Always get to know it. In as much detail as possible, as well.

    Also have to remember that the person will, at a subconscious level, attempt to recreate their parent's relationship. Better hope that is functional as well.

  4. Anonymous says:

    It is important to know the things mentioned and take them in to serious consideration. However, it does not mean these things are necessarily a deal breaker to a happy,productive marriage. It is also important to observe how the person is dealing with these issues. Do they have a plan for repayment of the student debt? If their family history is difficult have they rejected that way of living and have shown they are an accountable person for several years now. Do they have healthy boundaries with a problematic family?

    If their parents have had terrible problems have they shown to you they can handle conflict or difficulties in a different way?

    If they have a health concern
    are they open with you about how that might impact a marriage sexually,financially and in terms of stress?

    I have known couples that have married someone and done well despite some of these concerns but it was well thought out ahead of time. I even knew one man who married a woman with M.S. and she did pass away at a young age. They were an amazing couple. After she passed away he remarried and has children now and seems quite happy again.

    Know of another couple in which the bride had a substantial student debt. He agreed beforehand to repay the debt so she could stay at home when they began having children. They have a nice home and she practices frugality in a way to help the budget. The budget and planning for this was all laid out before they married and also their mutual expectation for her staying at home after a year rather then working outside the home. Planning,agreement and expectations all laid out ahead of time despite the less than ideal circumstances.

  5. Leonidas says:

    As I'm sure you know by now, $17,000 in student loans in the US really isn't that bad at all – even 15-20 years ago when ya'll got married. Could've been much, MUCH worse.

    But now you have to tell the story of how you became a fugitive from the New Zealand debtors prisons. :P

  6. AL says:

    You can have "the talk" about finances pre-nuptuals, but don't assume the other person is telling the truth.

    I hate to advocate "snooping" but you spend enough time at your SO's house, it probably won't be too hard to take a peak at that stack of bills on the counter over there.

    You don't want the phone calls starting after you get married before you find out your wife has enough consumer debt to get a spot on the Dr. Phil show.

    Believe me, I know.

    -AL

  7. Anonymous says:

    Landlords absolutely care if you're pretty. Maybe I've just been in L.A. too long, but yeah, they do.

  8. aphron says:

    That's good advice. I believe that when men marry they assume things will stay the same. When women marry, they assume things will change. The problem is that (in some cases) one doesn't see the batshit crazy side until well into things. Therefore, it's like getting a house inspected before buying it. There still may be termites, but they are under the surface. Taking care of the termite damage tends to be costly, time consuming and stressful.

  9. elhaf says:

    I live you, New Zealand, but I'm not living IN you. Or something.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Her credit sucked bad. So bad that when it was time for us to buy our house together, the bank would only give the best rate loan solely to me. If my then-wife wanted to be on the loan with me, we would have to pay a much higher interest rate. Well she didn't understand that who was on the loan didn't matter as long as her name was on that title which it was so she insisted on her name on the loan as well. Very costly move. She didn't understand until years later when we had divorced and she was in the process of cleaning up her credit. That's not why we broke up, but that part about due diligence is good; I would have had second thoughts had I known just how bad she had blown her credit.

  11. Anonymous says:

    If she has batshit crazy moments, the man needs to find out more about that before he commits. For many women, batshit moments never go away, sometimes they increase. For me, they got really bad after marriage, on top of which she would always say it was my fault for setting her off. That behavior and the total lack of accepting responsibility on her part eventually drove me out.

    So all I can say is: if you've seen total batshit behavior from her, that is definitely something to be concerned about. Even if it only happens once or twice, just that fact that it happened at all ought to give her man pause.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Observe how she treats people with less power/status than herself: retail clerks, waitpersons in restaurants, support people at work, unattractive women, etc. Because no matter how alpha and successful you are, there will come a time when you are vulnerable..a job loss, a business failure, a serious illness. And the basic female instinct seems to be contempt for any male vulnerability or weakness, no matter what the reason or circumstances. But there is huge variation among women in how well they are able to overcome this instinct.

  13. Miles Anderson says:

    Just as an obvious aside look at the parents esp. the mother. If she is obese psychotic depressed run like the wind. It is hard to beat the genetic battle. I know, seems harsh, but it ain't.

    "I would also like to apologize to the people of New Zealand for taking an entire educational investment in myself and immediately moving to another country as soon as it was finished. It's not you New Zealand, you're just great, it's me."

    Big huh, buddy. They invested in you. An investment is a gamble they expect to make some return on the long run. Some people don't pay back the principle much less any return to society. Some barely pay back the principle. A few make good on the investment. And a very few pay back in spades. Your job as the individual taking the loan is to do the best you can with what you are given. Your coupling to how that helps society is so weak that you shouldn't even consider it in your decisions. If society isn't making hay on their educational spendings then they shouldn't be spending the money. That is such simple economics you take a big hit towards the beta for ever suggesting an apology.

  14. Athol Kay says:

    Miles – You're missing that I'm making a joke. :-)

  15. The MacNut says:

    I think Miles is too, though…

  16. howtoattractwomenhelp says:

    i just keep learning more and more from your blog, i've never had the idea to run a search on a girl before, ever!

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