One of the things Jennifer and I have grown greatly on over the last two years, is understanding and meeting each others needs for sexual intensity. She likes me to be sexually dominant and somewhat rough with her once in a while, so we do that. I discovered half my interest in doing something outside the relationship, was just me trying to find a way to gain sexual intensity as well. The days I find myself getting randomly cranky and worked up, I let her know in advance that “we need to do something intense tonight”. I don’t wait anymore for her to decide to wear the pink lingerie for example, I just ask for it and she gets that I’m being truthful about my needs. It’s working really well for us.
So let’s get to the point in a round about fashion…
Lainey said, “It’s fascinating the different cultures of a marriage. I think Athol must have a very, very high libido. You guys have a nightly expectation of sex, and that works for you. Is Athol ever not in the mood?”
About fourteen years ago Jennifer and I went on vacation with her parents to visit her college roommate and her parents up in New Hampshire. Her roommate’s parents laid on a huge New England spread for dinner the first night there. Now I don’t know whether it was the steamed clams, the lobster, or the strawberry cream pie that didn’t agree with me, but I do know my body just decided to purge first and ask questions later. I’m talking about the kind of ill where you have to make split second decisions between sitting on the toilet and kneeling in front of it. The strawberry cream pie came out the top, the steamed clams out the back and I don’t know exactly which way the lobster went. I lost count of the number of “involuntary episodes” I had, but it was a total combined number somewhere in the teens over the space of about two hours. I was extremely ill and probably had a fever from fluid loss.
In short, I was sick. Objectively, measurably and regrettably ill.
So naturally after showering off and a thorough tooth brushing, I climbed into bed with Jennifer and asked for sex. Jennifer declined as she was all uptight about our little alcove-like room not having a door and being central to all the other bedrooms on the second floor. Which of course to me was the intense turn on. Sigh.
Anyway… yes almost always I’m upbeat about heading to bed for sex. But… I’m older now, I’m 41, I’m not a machine. Some days I’m just tired and I want Jennifer to take the lead in bed and make something happen. Usually we’re just in such a rut that we expect sex to happen. Oh the ultra rare occasions I just announce before bed that I want nothing, Jennifer usually asks if she needs to dial 911.
But usually I’m just sleepy, overtired, a little moody and indecisive about whether I want sex when it starts to get weird. Usually Jennifer figures it’s her turn to lead sexy-time and she slides over and starts annoying the hell out of me by playing with my dick. Up down up down up down up down swirly-tease-thing… and when I’m sleepy, overtired, a little moody and indecisive about whether I want sex, swirly-tease-thing is agonizingly almost good but not quite and thus really annoying.
By the time she actually gets me hard, I’m pissed off. Not the “bitch-I-hate-your-guts” sort of pissed off, more the, I’m-worked-up-and-let’s-get this-over-with-so-I-can-get-some-sleep pissed off.
The sex is insanely good. I mean insanely good. By nature I tend heavily to nice guyness, but these nights Jennifer gets rag doll fucked as I unleash my emotional charge into her. Afterwards she’s so cuddly and just burrows into my side sighing contentedly. It was after one of these nights a few years back where I really realized how much she likes that sort of sex. I wonder now a little more if some of that she’s actually unconsciously instigated…
Sometimes a woman will Fitness Test or otherwise annoy you to create the situation where things are emotionally charged. That charge can be a negative emotion, or it can be a positive one, but the purpose of the charge is to instigate you into intense sex with her.
Some couples have repeated relationship problems solely to create intense emotional situations, which create very short term splits in the relationship, which then allow intense make-up sex. So if you find yourself in this dynamic of “blow up —> hot sex” over and over, it may be possible to adjust the dynamic to just bypassing the Fitness Test, and head more directly to the hot sex.
The other option is to recognize the need for emotional/sexual intensity, and more purposely supply it. You don’t have to be angry to have highly intense sex. That’s just a quick and easy path to getting yourself into a more intense mindset. But you already have strong feelings for her that can be tapped into; your love for her. If this is what she wants, needs and responds to, it’s loving to give it to her.
Not every night to be sure. But some nights…burn bright.