Fitness Testing Seeking Sexual Intensity

One of the things Jennifer and I have grown greatly on over the last two years, is understanding and meeting each others needs for sexual intensity. She likes me to be sexually dominant and somewhat rough with her once in a while, so we do that. I discovered half my interest in doing something outside the relationship, was just me trying to find a way to gain sexual intensity as well. The days I find myself getting randomly cranky and worked up, I let her know in advance that “we need to do something intense tonight”. I don’t wait anymore for her to decide to wear the pink lingerie for example, I just ask for it and she gets that I’m being truthful about my needs. It’s working really well for us.
So let’s get to the point in a round about fashion…
Lainey said,  “It’s fascinating the different cultures of a marriage. I think Athol must have a very, very high libido. You guys have a nightly expectation of sex, and that works for you. Is Athol ever not in the mood?”
About fourteen years ago Jennifer and I went on vacation with her parents to visit her college roommate and her parents up in New Hampshire. Her roommate’s parents laid on a huge New England spread for dinner the first night there. Now I don’t know whether it was the steamed clams, the lobster, or the strawberry cream pie that didn’t agree with me, but I do know my body just decided to purge first and ask questions later. I’m talking about the kind of ill where you have to make split second decisions between sitting on the toilet and kneeling in front of it. The strawberry cream pie came out the top, the steamed clams out the back and I don’t know exactly which way the lobster went. I lost count of the number of “involuntary episodes” I had, but it was a total combined number somewhere in the teens over the space of about two hours. I was extremely ill and probably had a fever from fluid loss.
In short, I was sick. Objectively, measurably and regrettably ill.
So naturally after showering off and a thorough tooth brushing, I climbed into bed with Jennifer and asked for sex. Jennifer declined as she was all uptight about our little alcove-like room not having a door and being central to all the other bedrooms on the second floor. Which of course to me was the intense turn on. Sigh.
Anyway… yes almost always I’m upbeat about heading to bed for sex. But… I’m older now, I’m 41, I’m not a machine. Some days I’m just tired and I want Jennifer to take the lead in bed and make something happen. Usually we’re just in such a rut that we expect sex to happen. Oh the ultra rare occasions I just announce before bed that I want nothing, Jennifer usually asks if she needs to dial 911.
But usually I’m just sleepy, overtired, a little moody and indecisive about whether I want sex when it starts to get weird. Usually Jennifer figures it’s her turn to lead sexy-time and she slides over and starts annoying the hell out of me by playing with my dick. Up down up down up down up down swirly-tease-thing… and when I’m sleepy, overtired, a little moody and indecisive about whether I want sex, swirly-tease-thing is agonizingly almost good but not quite and thus really annoying.
By the time she actually gets me hard, I’m pissed off. Not the “bitch-I-hate-your-guts” sort of pissed off, more the, I’m-worked-up-and-let’s-get this-over-with-so-I-can-get-some-sleep pissed off.
The sex is insanely good. I mean insanely good. By nature I tend heavily to nice guyness, but these nights Jennifer gets rag doll fucked as I unleash my emotional charge into her. Afterwards she’s so cuddly and just burrows into my side sighing contentedly. It was after one of these nights a few years back where I really realized how much she likes that sort of sex. I wonder now a little more if some of that she’s actually unconsciously instigated…
Sometimes a woman will Fitness Test or otherwise annoy you to create the situation where things are emotionally charged. That charge can be a negative emotion, or it can be a positive one, but the purpose of the charge is to instigate you into intense sex with her.
Some couples have repeated relationship problems solely to create intense emotional situations, which create very short term splits in the relationship, which then allow intense make-up sex. So if you find yourself in this dynamic of “blow up —> hot sex” over and over, it may be possible to adjust the dynamic to just bypassing the Fitness Test, and head more directly to the hot sex.
The other option is to recognize the need for emotional/sexual intensity, and more purposely supply it. You don’t have to be angry to have highly intense sex. That’s just a quick and easy path to getting yourself into a more intense mindset. But you already have strong feelings for her that can be tapped into; your love for her. If this is what she wants, needs and responds to, it’s loving to give it to her.
Not every night to be sure. But some nights…burn bright.


  1. I'd like to plug my own post about fitness testing as "rubbing up against your manhood," your woman inducing you to display the masculine, dominant qualities that please her.

  2. Anonymous says:

    And what the hell is the swirly-tease thing???

  3. "Not every night to be sure. But some nights…burn bright."

    I like that!

    I think you should do a poll for your readers though. We aren't all sex machines like The Kays. LOL

    I really hope guys and gals aren't feeling inadequate from not having sexy time every night. I admit I am starting to feel like a sexless underachiever with my 3x a week average.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Lainey- 3x a week beats where we're at! Don't feel like an underachiever. My husband and I are at a pretty slow pace right now and that's okay. No comparing allowed, you do what works for you two as a couple.

  5. The MacNut says:

    there is many a husband (and a wife!) reading this blog for whom 3x a week would be Nirvana.

  6. MacNut & Anon -

    We've had a lot less in our marriage, too. Now that the kids are older and no one is breastfeeding I am much more interested.

    I can see why the Kays make a daily appointment for it. It is way too easy to get caught up in the craziness of life and skip sexy time.

  7. "Not every night to be sure. But some nights…burn bright."

    This recalls Athol's post that 50% of sex is below average – you can't expect every night to be mindblowing. That's something I and many other men have gotten from women – "I only want to have sex when it's going to be hot, it's about quality not quantity." And we guys are trying to tell them, "no, really, lame sex sometimes is way better than nothing on those nights." And they don't understand that it's harder to have the mindblowing nights without the practice and endurance built during the less intense episodes.

  8. Agree on craving intensity. It's one of the things I like most about sex with the Mister. But it's not always "rag doll fuck" intensity. It's difficult to articulate the difference but "rag doll fucked" is him driving as deeply in as he can go, or pulling me ONto him as far as I can go. Compared with times he is so far gone it's like he's trying to pull me INto him. I've become, literally, enthralled.

  9. To quote Annie Hall:
    (Jump cuts to therapist talking individually to each of couple).
    Therapist: How often do you have sex?
    Annie: Constantly. Like three times a week.

    Woody: Hardly ever. Like three times a week.

  10. Anonymous says:

    "And they don't understand that it's harder to have the mindblowing nights without the practice and endurance built during the less intense episodes"

    Exactly, Badger.

    The more we do it the better it gets..
    Even now to the point where I have multiple orgasms..

    The thing is for a woman, she needs to block all else out.. Even the kids making noises.. Asking for a glass of water..

    It can be done.. Once I learnt to block out all other distractions, sex got better and better.. Even when the phone rang a while back in the middle of an orgasm,I never missed a beat.

    And now, I also enjoy orchestrating a little impromptu nookie during the day while the kids are home. Daughter engrossed in movie in the living room.. Put son in the shower (he loves his showers) drag hubby off to bedroom..

    If you are in the mood 5 minutes is all it takes.. Orgasms are just as intense..(for me)

    I guess I DO get off scheming and planning ways to have sex with hubby, when the kids are around in the daytime.. A little afternoon delight is a great "pick me up" :D


  11. "To quote Annie Hall:
    (Jump cuts to therapist talking individually to each of couple).
    Therapist: How often do you have sex?
    Annie: Constantly. Like three times a week.

    Woody: Hardly ever. Like three times a week. "

    That is so true. LOL

    "The thing is for a woman, she needs to block all else out.. Even the kids making noises.. Asking for a glass of water.."

    Exactly. Because of our schedules the kids are usually at home and running around. We have a noise machine and we turn it up high. I love the sound of a babbling brook.

    We just tell the kids we are doing the "budget." The 17 year old has figured it out and finds it obscene. We're too old for sex, plus we're his parents. Ick.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Lol, Lainey.. My daughter who is almost fifteen knows we have sex often. I refuse to be intimidated by my own daughter..

    One morning she confronted me and said accusingly "I heard you last night" (oh okay I'm loud so sue She went on. "At first I thought it was M (her brother), but then I realized it was you!"

    Well, I had to turn away because, I felt like laughing so much.. My daughter saw my reaction, so then went into an act that would have rivaled Meg Ryan's..

    Having regained my composure, I pointed out that I had a license for such stuff, and if I wanted to have sex fifty times a day I would! That shut her up and she retreated to her own bedroom.

    My mother, ever the practical one said to me.. "Why didn't you shut your door?"

    "Sheesh! I did Mum! Do you think I'm an idiot?"
    heh heh heh heh heh..


  13. "My daughter who is almost fifteen knows we have sex often. I refuse to be intimidated by my own daughter.."

    Yep, there comes a time when you can't hide it. Oh, well, that's life. We don't flaunt it, but it doesn't change our behavior.

    I asked my son if it encouraged him that he would indeed have a sex life at 40. He didn't care. Poor deluded child. LOL

  14. Anonymous says:

    You know Lainey, I think it is good for kids to see that their parents do love one another and that it is a normal thing for that love to be expressed through sex.

    Certainly I have used my own loving marriage as an example for my daughter. I am very frank with her. You have to be today, because other kids are so forward, and I don't want them filling her head with nonsense.

    Fortunately my daughter confides in me, and asks questions. I don't skirt around them but answer honestly. Like for instance when she asked me quetions about oral sex some time ago.

    I have told her that sex is a wonderful expression of love, that it feels good, and that it should be reserved for marriage.

    I use myself as an example. She knows all about my past. That I first married at nineteen, that I was a virgin, why it ended and that I never had sex with another man until her father.

    I told her (apart from the moral and religious aspect) that women who sleep with many men have trouble bonding with their husbands, and that many of them also do not enjoy sex as a result.

    I also point out that many women who engage in slutty behaviour do not even have orgasms. And finally whilst men will readily sleep with slutty women, none of them want to marry these women and have children with them… That's the reality.

    I have told her that I would like for her to have the kind of wonderful and deep relationship that I have with her father.
    To meet a good man, like him.

    I have also explained to her how women are the gatekeepers of sex..

    She is not interested in a career. She loves kids and wants to marry one day..Already the boys are flocking around her. Dad has the baseball bat at the ready.. Lol.


  15. I totally agree! I think so much of what we do affects our kids idea of what marriage is like. We sometimes even have disagreements in front of the kids. My husband hates when we do, but it happens. The kids don't like it either, but then when it is over we bring everyone together and explain that sometimes people disagree or don't get along and it doesn't mean the end of a relationship. We talk, we work it out, and we still love each other. Never fighting or disagreeing is unrealistic. — Oops, rabbit trail.

    I know what you mean about boys and girls circling your kids. Ugh. The great thing about an older brother is he chases all the boys off from daughter that he thinks aren't nice or good for her – which right now is every boy. That's okay with us. :)

  16. Here's the scene: Split screen, not jump cut.

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