Are You Having Sexual Leftovers?

Individual sex acts fall into three groups: (1) stuff you like, (2) stuff you don’t mind and (3) stuff you do not want. It’s easy to get in a sexual rut in a marriage, simply by sticking to the sort of sex acts that both of you like.
That seems a little odd on first read, so let me explain.
Say the husband likes sex acts A B C D E and F. The wife only likes the sex acts A B H J and K.
So the only things leftover on the sexual menu they both like are A and B. As they are both happy doing A and B, it’s very tempting to do A and B a lot, which is fine because they do both like it.
But turn up the stress levels in the marriage by say a new baby, or a family illness, shift change or whatever, the frequency of sex can take a little bit of a hit. So their reduced sexual activity pattern can look like this…
The good news is that they stay in sexual contact together through the stressful time. That’s a plus. But when the stress passes and they can resume their normal sexual activity, for some reason it looks like this…
Which means they are still in the same old sexual rut and having the sexual leftovers all the time. They do both like it, but without the added stimulation of the stressful family situation, having just the sexual leftovers all the time becomes under stimulating to them. Or in plain English, boring as hell.
The solution is to sit down together and really breakdown the sexual menu together again. They both like A and B, so that stays something they will do. But the husband likes C D E and F, and it may turn out that the wife doesn’t actually mind C D and E, but does not want F at all. So C D and E can get easily worked into the things they do. The wife wants H J and K, and it may turn out that the husband doesn’t mind H or J, but doesn’t want K. So H and J can get on the cycle as well.
Suddenly the new pattern is…
A B C H A B D J A B E A A C H B A H E C A B A C H J J D A B…
So that’s gone from just two sexual things, and spread out to seven things to do together. They aren’t always doing what they both like every day, but they also don’t mind it either. Plus with a partner you love, it’s a definitely enjoyable experience to see them getting something they want sexually. If nothing else it’s more stimulating and enjoyable.
The sticking point is those pesky things that one person really wants, but the other really does not want. The issue of I want to F, you seek K.
Maybe you can switch off and trade on those nasty, filthy, dirty degrading things they want. Maybe as a special act of love you let them have that thing once in a while. Maybe it’s just something you can’t do.
Maybe F and K are like your personal Green Eggs and Ham.

What Sex Should The Nanny Be?

Reader: We’re thinking of hiring a nanny to assist with taking care of the kids.  We just had our fourth and our third is still under two, so an extra pair of hands around the house will be helpful.  The other two are six and five.  Both are excellently behaved, but still need attention, but in manageable amounts. Oh, and two of our kids (hopefully not three) have severe food allergies, and the wife and I don’t trust anybody to take care of them except us and my parents, i.e. not a nanny and not her parents.
I was wondering what you would say as to the sex of the nanny we should hire?  I stay at home to take care of the kids and do some writing on the side.  The reason the kids are so well behaved is, in part, because of my personal care and my intervention when they misbehave.  I also have a couple of extra tricks that are helping my older kids very much, so the wife is very happy with how I’m managing them and can easily see the value I add to the family by taking care of them full time. 
My wife is not nearly as good at taking care of the kids.  Not even close.  Luckily, she’s good at making money, so the tasks in our house are divided fairly well in terms of them being assigned to who could best accomplish them.
Anyway, we figured we’d have a nanny come by in the afternoons to help out.  I’d be home most or all of that time.  So, male nanny or female nanny?
I figure that the advantage of the male nanny is that nobody would suspect me of wanting to sleep with the nanny.  I’m not sure if an old/ugly nanny would help in that regard seeing as how it didn’t stop Arnold Schwarzenegger. 
The advantage of the female nanny is that women do really seem to be better at that sort of thing.  Also, I don’t want the WIFE home with another man if I have to go out and she’s at home.  I’m probably a lot more jealous than she is.  I am a trustworthy kind of guy in that regard, and I’m confident that I would behave completely appropriately.  I always do.  I always have.
I would not be at home alone with kids and nanny for all that long, maybe an hour or two a day.
Athol:  From a Game perspective, female nanny for the win. You + two females = good. You + competing male = silly.
From a more pragmatic point of view, rather than going the nanny route, why not the cleaning lady / household help route? If the nanny is any good they will bond with the kids directly and it will always get complicated in some way emotionally. But cleaning lady is just there to clean and be doing clearly defined tasks. Kids will probably like her being around, but it’s not going to turn into cuddles on the couch and reading a story with Mrs Lysol.
Some days you can stay home while cleaning is going on, some days you can just haul all the kids out and go to the park (or whatever).
Child care is a “what you make of it” task. The bar for failure on child care is set quite low, plenty of people just give the kids a food source and turn the TV on, for example. Cleaning a house though is a clearly defined task and has objectively measurable quality. You’ll be able to tell a good cleaning lady from a bad one way faster than a good nanny from a bad one.
Nanny’s probably cost more too. I think they probably do anyway.
Besides, you said you don’t actually trust a nanny to watch the children unsupervised… which is the entire point of having a nanny. Well… apart from having a completely legitimate way of having a 19 year old girl in your house following your orders.
Also you told me three or four times that you were above reproach and could be trusted with a hottie swanning around in tight shorts and low cut tops… bending over to pick up the children and stuff. So good with the children and her giggle. Pretty sure she flicked her hair purposely just then too….
…sorry I wandered off there for a second. Anyway, you probably are basically trustworthy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to take mental energy to keep shoving your Rationalization Hamster back in its cage to keep you well behaved.
I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
…yeaaaaaaaahhhhh… advise giving Mrs Lysol a call.

Sexy Move: Carry Gum

For whatever reason, women like fresh breath, but many forget to carry a self-sufficient supply of minty fresh gum. If you carry a supply of gum with you, pretty soon you’ll become the go to guy for gum.
However you don’t want to become the Chump King of gum either….
Suggest making a simple rule set for gum dispensing and explaining it to the ladies.
One piece of gum – the receiver must say “thank you”.
Second piece of gum – the receiver must kiss you.
Three pieces of gum – the receiver must sleep with you.
Four pieces of gum – no one has survived, but they died happy.
Obviously hardly anyone will jump to a second piece of gum, and no one to three pieces, but they will laugh and take one piece and say “thank you”.
A few days later when they ask for another piece of gum, ask them if they remember the rules and review them again if necessary. If they still want it, give them a piece of gum. As they start chewing, smile your best naughty boy grin and say…
“You realize of course, that’s your second piece of gum…”
Then enjoy her squirming her way out of being kissed. Playfully torture her verbally. Keep it light and funny. Say you can’t trust her now she’s proven to go back on her word. Say you were interested, but now she’s making Russian mail order brides look good.
The other game is when asked for gum to simply ask back at them, “I heard girls only ask for gum when they want to be kissed.”  Hold eye contact and smile.
Jennifer gets gum whenever she wants. That’s a skittles move. I usually just hand her a couple pieces after we go to a restaurant together.

Sexy Move: Chick Flick, And F…

From Thunder one of my regular commenters…
Hey Athol,
I thought you’d be interested in hearing some reader game success stories.  And besides, we’re sick and tired of hearing about you and Super J.  :)
Hope its not too graphic…
Background:  After a week of no-sex period time, we had some great sexy-time the previous night.  The next night, I’m still feeling my oats….she meanwhile, had told me a few times how tired she was from the days activities and how she can’t wait to get off her feet and into bed.  That night in bed together while watching some corny chick flick “Hitch”….
Me: “Hey baby, I know how tired you are so I’m not gonna go all in for sex tonight, I’ll just take a handjob.”
Her: some whining routine about being tired, we just had sex the previous night, she always needs to be “on”, etc…
Me: Slapping that shit down calmly, taking it all in stride, telling her the default between us should be some form of intimacy every night, etc…and going back to watching the movie, unaffected. [In the past, i would have sulked, went passive-aggressive, etc…]
Her (Smiling):“Oh, I’m just teasing you about having to be “on”, you know I like to play with you…”  Starts to get cozy with me.
Me: Lightly slap her ass while watching movie.  Not really expecting anything but not affected anyway.  Getting bored of movie planning on going to sleep shortly.  Lightly stroking her back.
Her: 5 minutes later. Out of the blue.  “Let’s just have some naked cozy time.  Don’t get your hopes up.”  She strips completely naked and starts cozying up against me.
Me:  I am pretty surprised here but take it in stride.  Just continue watching movie stroking her back.
Her: starts cozying into me more, kisses me during some commercials.
Me:  stroking her full body now, breasts, ass, etc…but not making any real move yet.  But knowing that it is game on.  in every sense of the word.
Her: kisses me again during next commercial break. getting playful.
Me: I take off my clothes.  hey, it is naked cozy time after all.
Me:  now, starting to turn it up a notch making my move…
Her: Responding with some shit as to not wanting to miss the movie that we are watching…
Me: caught off guard, roll off, rambling something about her priorities
Me: catching my composure again within a few seconds: “I’m tired baby, I need to get to sleep.”  Roll on top of her start making out. touching ALL over.
Her: cooing, grabbing me in closer, sticking her tongue down my throat, stroking my penis, telling me she was joking about watching the move instead of this….
Post sex cozying – while watching end of movie…
Her: “So what was it about me that made you fall in love with me, be crazy about me, etc…blah blah blah”–>context: again, we are watching this gushy chick flick so it seemed to trigger this thought process in her.  or maybe it was just her wanting to follow up sex with another dose of my manhood via shit testing…
Me: Running Game – “Your boobs”
Her: Laughing.  “No Really”
Me: Running Game –  “Your legs”
Her: laughing again, but now acting insulted.
Me:  I can’t tell if she is truly insulted or just feigning it.  Women are so damn hard to read.  Even mine after 15 years of marriage.  Even right after sex.
Me:  Running Athol MMSL Game – I turn towards her, put my hand on the back of her neck, pull her towards me, roll on top of her, kiss her deeply and tell her I am crazy about her and love her with all my heart.
Her:  Cooing and cozying deeply into me while I drift off to sleep.
Me: Big smile next morning.
Athol: Some corny chick flick? Hitch is classic! I actually adapted a little from it for the Ten Second Kiss routine!
I also love that after all the Alpha framing and cocky and funny routine, that you unleash the sappy and score with it. Women love, love, love the sappy romantic fluff… as long as you have a good enough Alpha framework to drape it on.
Plus I love that Jennifer has earned her superhero handle nickname. “Marriedman and Super J” might just stick.

The Main Complaint About Monogamy Is That It Works

I got a long reader email that has far too many identifying marks to edit, so the short version is he is trying to decide whether or not to marry his girlfriend of 2.5 years. By his account she is wife material and a good match for him. Her sex drive seems higher than his, but the main stumbling point is he’s cheated on her 3-4 times and gotten away with it already, and just can’t get past the idea of getting married and not getting a little something on the side once in a while. After all, per evolutionary psychology, that’s how men are wired. Right?
Athol: There’s not a perfect solution to choose.
You are correct that monogamy isn’t natural and that men and women are biologically wired to have a primary partner and opportunistic sex with others. However much of our modern society isn’t natural. Democracy isn’t natural, nor is capitalism, or education, the rule of law, hospitals, flushing toilets and plentiful food. (Autotuned pop music isn’t natural either, so that I guess slightly ruins the point I’m making because let’s face it, autotune is awful.)
Buy Me!

Talking Or Walking (But No Hitting) And Being The Cheese

Strong Man has left a new comment on your post “Coming Soon(ish): The Marriage Action Plan“:
I’ve already mentioned the issue of ultimatums or consequences that are short of divorce. After you’ve stepped up your own efforts and increased your sex rank, what can you do to show your wife you are serious before dropping the D-bomb?
Many people don’t really respond to words–don’t know you’re serious until you show it in your actions. How can you do that?
Athol: The short answer to that is the Divorce Ultimatum is the last resort that happens in Phase Six of The MAP. All the self-improvement stuff happens in Phase One through Three. Phase Four drops the boom that change needs to happen and you are serious. Phase Five can last months or a year even as you stage yourself for potentially divorcing them.
The longer answer is something Jennifer and talked about a lot today and we essentially came to the conclusion that everything boils down to three basic strategies for dealing with a spouse with an intolerable relationship breaking issue.
The first strategy is talking. This works great with a normal spouse. Sometimes problems can just be talked through and resolved and life continues on. But with a truly troublesome spouse, talking essentially proves pointless, for as Strong Man agrees, many people don’t respond to words… only actions.
The second and third strategies both use action and are good at evoking behavioral changes. One possibility is creating an aversive experience, that the spouse actively wishes to avoid happening to them. The classic example of this, is the husband’s closed fist slamming into the wife’s face for doing something he doesn’t like. I use that example of domestic violence quite purposely, because ultimately all the aversive techniques require the use of force as a backing.
Some examples; a time out on a toddler requires that you are physically capable of returning them to the time out corner if they decide to simply walk away from the corner. Grounding a teenager means nothing if they can simply leave out the window, it’s nothing but talk unless you can march them back into the house by the arm. Yelling threatens potential physical contact. Breaking their stuff for being bad requires the use of force. And quite clearly anything the police, courts and prisons do to control behavior is an aversive technique based on force. Spanking is an aversive method too.
The other basic option is negative punishment, which means you take away from them something they want, or simply fail to supply it. The toddler throws a fit, and there’s no ice cream. The teenager is bad and you simply refuse to drive them anywhere. You cut off an allowance for bad behavior. None of this requires the use of force, just simply not giving them something they want.
As you may guess, The MAP works in part on negative punishment. The whole point to becoming highly attractive is to become the sort of spouse they actively want in their life. The ultimate “taking away of what they want” is you leaving them. You’re their cheese and cutting off the cheese supply is meaningful. But before you actually get to that point, there’s a hundred little points of display of the fact that you will be leaving if things continue as they are. Some examples;
Collecting business cards from divorce lawyers.
Losing weight and looking more attractive.
Starting to pack your bags.
Removing precious (to you) items from the house into storage.
Saving money for a new apartment.
Changing the bill paying around and names on accounts.
Searching for divorce related issues on the Internet.
Opening a dating profile.
Changing Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated”.
Taking your wedding ring off.
Separate vacations.
Separate beds.
Going out alone.
Asking for marriage counseling.
Going into individual counseling.
All in all there are hundreds of little actions that hint or plainly state that the ultimate removal of what they want is a potential threat. You just don’t need to say the word divorce for any of it to be effective.
As I said, Jennifer and I tossed this around a lot today, and everything turned into either talking, using some degree of violence, or involving a movement toward divorce. As I hope is exceptionally clear, I don’t advise physical force as a method for evoking change in your marriage. Quite obviously you’ll likely end up in jail for trying it and rightly so. (I don’t believe Strong Man would advise violence either!) 

Oh a fourth way… duh. The other way The MAP works is by positive reinforcement. As I said before, you’re trying to turn yourself into the cheese that they want. Once they want you, they tend to do whatever it takes to be with you. Which is also the reason so many husbands running The MAP don’t get past Phase Three before everything comes together and they get laid like tile.

Hmmm…. cheeeeeeese….

She’s Forty Minutes Late

This is part of a longer reply to a reader email with multiple minor events. The wife’s habit is to be late, and this time she was forty minutes late to a planned dinner out and offered no apology…
I think part of the lateness thing on that night was you setting her up to fail. It seemed several times in the morning you repeatedly told her – reading between the lines – that “hey I don’t think you will be home on time or tell me what’s going on“. So you were reinforcing the expectation that she would be late and keep you out of the loop. Then you probably spent half the day slowly getting worked up about her likely being late. Then surprise!! she was late…
The better solution is just to say “I’m going to dinner at 7pm, you’re welcome to meet me there”. Though she can still show up late to that, in which case she should find you eating dinner happily at 740pm. A movie is great for a natural cut off where if late, she’s out of luck.  Another option is ordering in. If she’s 40 minutes late, the food is cold. Natural consequences for the win. In general though, you decide what you are going to do, and if she comes cool, if not, oh well.
Mostly you just don’t leave yourself at the mercy of her being late. If she throws a fit, just say calmly “you were late” as the answer to every argument she throws at you.
Otherwise things are going great for this reader. Sex went from 3-4 times a month to 4-5 times a week.

Coming Soon(ish): The Marriage Action Plan

Right now I have 48 pages of handwritten scrawl lined up in order on the dining room table as the framework for the next book. It’s loosely titled “The Marriage Action Plan: Beating Sense Into Your Intolerable Spouse Until They Either Die Or Comply”. Though Jennifer prefers “The Marriage Action Plan: When All Else Fails”. 
My most important tool is The MAP, and it’s proven to be multi-purpose in effectiveness – I’m got a number of female readers turning up the heat on their husbands to get jobs effectively by using The MAP for example, which is impressive considering it’s designed mainly as a way for husbands to get sex from their wives. I’ve a number of people using it to effect weight loss in their spouse as well.
However that multi-purposing can get a little confusing, especially to new readers. I’ve also not been 100% satisfied that I’ve described The MAP correctly or fully either. I’m also reframing it from the “Male Action Plan” to the “Marriage Action Plan” to better appeal to both men and women.
If you have The Primer 2011 it’s essentially going to be Chapters 6 and 16 greatly expanded on, with better tie-ins from parts of Chapters 5, 10 and 11, and a bunch more stuff related to the multi-purposing.
In terms of MMSL the blog and MMSL The Primer 2012, not a lot will change. By dealing with the multi-purposing of The MAP in a separate book, that leaves me free to keep The Primer 2012 focused on issues of sexuality, marriage and using game to better the bedroom fun. The MAP will still be in the 2012 Primer, just dealt with less depth and more speed than the new book will… you know… like it’s a primer.
So here’s my question….
What are your questions about The MAP that I missed answering or didn’t explain well?
Ask me anything. Email me or using the comments is fine.
Also if you are in the process of running The MAP and have specific questions, please write me and I’ll try answer them all.
(Oh and apparently I earned the new pink lingerie treatment from Jennifer for my efforts today. Not bad for some handwritten scribble!)

She’s Good Enough

I prodded Jennifer into bed at around 845pm tonight. No sex. No exercise tonight either. Just been a long week for the both of us. She works all day tomorrow as well, so she needs the rest.
 I slept way too late this morning, and ended up working later than usual as well. So my evening was all out of whack with a late return. I’m tired but “up”. I’m gonna go play video games for a bit after I finish this post.
Tomorrow I really have to get cracking on my next writing project as I’m running out of time to get it done. The Primer 2012 is going to be written through October, November and December and sit in limbo through January getting itself situated on Amazon for a February 1st release day all going to plan. So if I’m going to get something else written, I’ve only got August and September to do it.
Don’t have a working title as yet, but it’s going to focus on using The MAP for both sexes to work on a far wider range of relationship problems than just lack of sex. Maybe half my email is “sex” related, and the other half is “other intolerable problems”. So I can’t not write about it, but I don’t want The Primer 2012 to get side tracked away from the sex for married guys angle either. It’s going to be shorter than The Primer that’s for sure, I’m thinking 150 pages or so… but then I thought The Primer was going to be 200 and it turned into 344.
Jennifer has kindly offered up some behavior modifying cheese for the next book as well. The first coherently decent set of productive writing toward the book nets me a very enthusiastic Jennifer in brand new pink lingerie. I mean I could probably just tell her to do that and she’d do it anyway, but to be honest I need the motivation jump-start. Everyone wants to have written a book, very few people want to actually write one.
Maybe I’ll rest Jennifer tomorrow night as well and work like a dog all weekend. Day 3 and fancy pink lingerie might make for quite a Sunday night session.
I’m actively crushing on Jennifer. It’s delicious. As cheese goes, she’s good enough.

As always I am grateful for my readership and fans. You are all helping me live a life I want to lead and I am appreciative of that. You always have my sincere hope that I am helping you make changes in your lives for the better. May you find love, sex and happiness.


The World’s Saddest Handjob vs Below Average Sex

Thunder has left a new comment on your post “Sexy Move: The Swirly Tease Thing”:
I always thought that no sex is better than bad sex and that only needy men settled for bad sex. I felt that if she is not into it and only taking one for the team (commenting on being tired, etc…) that it would be better to forgo as accepting half-assed sex was settling and showed weakness/neediness.
Athol – you are basically saying grab any and all opportunities whenever they come up – even if it is half-hearted. Something seems incongruent with that thought process. What am I missing here?
Athol: In a general sense taking whatever sexual opportunity your wife offers your way is Alpha. Not every sexual act is going to be amazing, but even below average sex is going to be good and enjoyable.
The long term benefit of below average sex is that you both stay in sexual fitness and some of those less excited sexual acts will turn into quite exciting events. People wait forever to “be in the mood” before having sex, but that makes about as much sense as waiting to “be in the mood” to bench press your max rep without ever going to the gym. Also sex together isn’t a solo act and just like practicing your dance moves together frequently, you’re going to be better dance partners.
Quite often the situation exists where the husband has a higher sex drive than the wife. The solution to that scenario is that the wife offer more sex than she would naturally want, which means some days she isn’t going to be “in the mood”. However that doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy pleasuring her husband, feeling physically close and having sex as an expression of love.
My sex drive is higher than Jennifer’s. I actually think that if she was married to someone else she might easily settle down into 2-3 times a week. But married to me I keep her sexual fitness up so her average rises above that. Plus we’re both aware of her being turned on some days, and just being very loving of me on others – and her average rises because of that too.
So in a general sense, if she offers, take her up on it.
However, if what she is offering is sex with a side order of contempt and hatred, I would turn her down. It’s really more of a Fitness Test along the lines of “I want to see if you are so pathetically needy and weak to me that you’ll actually have sex with me while I shit on you.”
It’s really a very nasty piece of business to do this to a husband. If she doesn’t want to have sex with him, all she has to do is say no and not have sex with him. Having sex with him and acting like she doesn’t want to have sex with him, is “cruel and unusual punishment” and is as such ruled out by the Geneva Convention.
So faced with the option of doing Mrs. Sourpuss, I’d just decline and go do something else. If you follow through and actually have whatever the sex offered is, you will continue to lose her respect and interest.
Don’t be Louis.C.K….
I mean the standup piece is funny as hell. But surprise he’s divorced now. True story.