Reader: And what the hell is the swirly-tease thing???
Athol: It’s the warm up routine to using the jumper cables and the butter.
Lainey: I think you should do a poll for your readers though. We aren’t all sex machines like The Kays. LOL I really hope guys and gals aren’t feeling inadequate from not having sexy time every night. I admit I am starting to feel like a sexless underachiever with my 3x a week average.
Athol: For what it’s worth, I am a sex blog writer, so complaining we have a lot of sex is like complaining that Tiger Woods is good at golf. We’re a high frequency couple, but then again if we weren’t, I probably wouldn’t be writing the blog. Deciding to write the blog is in some ways a conscious decision to channel my sexuality and establish a better balance for Jennifer and myself. Three times a week is pretty good for most people and as long as you are happy… well you’re happy!
Badger: This recalls Athol’s post that 50% of sex is below average – you can’t expect every night to be mind blowing. That’s something I and many other men have gotten from women – “I only want to have sex when it’s going to be hot, it’s about quality not quantity.” And we guys are trying to tell them, “no, really, lame sex sometimes is way better than nothing on those nights.” And they don’t understand that it’s harder to have the mind blowing nights without the practice and endurance built during the less intense episodes.
Athol: What’s funny is often the men turn the women down for “not being into it enough”. The women just find the men less attractive for doing that, and a downward cycle begins. If she offers, do her.
Not everything Jennifer and I do is mind blowing crazy sex. Michael Jordan made around 20% of his points from free throws. Handjobs are free throws. But they all count.
Oh okay… the swirly-tease thing is when Jennifer runs a finger tip around the head of my penis several times and then does a flat-palm feather-light circular rub on just the glans area of my penis. It’s excellent.
Let’s see if anyone is geeky enough to say what the jumper cables and the butter reference is!
Reader Comment: My husband and I are relatively new Catholics, and as a result are not using birth control (I’m following TCOYF). The key word here is “I’m” – my husband has absolutely no idea when I’m fertile or not fertile. This is not much of a change from when I was using birth control; I’d be surprised if he could have told you what method I was using unless it was something I had to stop to insert.
The singular burden this places on me is symbolic of our entire marriage – I take care of nearly everything and he just expects it to get done. My husband can’t/won’t do even simple house repairs, doesn’t know how to even pay his credit cards, and the time he spends keeping house is minimal. And yet again, he’s managed to trash “our” bedroom. The bathroom that’s attached to “our” bedroom is only his, I don’t even have a toothbrush in it, and it’s filthy. I’m relegated to sharing a bathroom with the kids. The bedroom smells like cat food and litter box because he’s moved his kidney-failing cat in there (his kidney-failing cat who he won’t even learn to do the fluid injections on, so I’m stuck doing it), clothes are piled everywhere, and I don’t even think the bed has sheets on it – but I’m not sure, since I’ve been sleeping on the couch for the past two months.
It’s not the first time he’s done this. I’ve explained in great detail exactly what I need from him, from talking to his Catholic male friends about how to get more involved in the family planning to “these are the things I need you to do around the house, since we’re in non-traditional roles as far as what I’m expected to do I need you to pick up some of the other things”, but at this point I don’t know what to do. I’m not withholding sex as punishment, but this feels more like another child than a life partner and so I’ve completely lost interest.
Athol: One of my key thoughts is that the purpose of marriage, is to have a “functional, productive and happy relationship” and not to “save a woman”… or in this case “save a man”. To be completely blunt, you don’t sound like a wife, you sound like you’re a direct care staff in a group home.
However the whole dying cat in the bedroom routine really seems to step things beyond him just being lazy and stupid, into the realm of undiagnosed mental illness. It’s utterly abnormal male behavior to haul a cat into the bedroom and watch a wife move out… without thinking you’ve make a major mistake. Plus it’s a hygiene concern.
I think you have three basic options here. The first is just to say that the situation has gotten too big for you to effectively work for change yourself, and call in for further help. Mobile Crisis is 211 in many locations in America.
Option two is to stop supporting his behavior by your actions and see if that sparks a change. If something isn’t absolutely critical to be done for your children, and he’s supposed to be doing it and doesn’t… then just let it be left undone. If his cat is essentially “the other woman” that is ending your marriage, I think you work against your interest by coddling him by doing the shots that he should be doing. Move the cat litter box and food out of the bedroom to where ever they should be.
No doubt if you refused to give the cat it’s shots (do offer to teach him to do them, but refuse to do them yourself), and move the litter box, he’ll claim you hate the cat and probably be very angry at you. So there is the risk that he does something stupid while angry – which coupled with the question of him being mentally ill, may be quite likely.
The third option is essentially to ask him to move out. The purpose of this is twofold, (1) you get to regain control of the house and deal with the basic hygiene and cleanliness concerns, and (2) wake him up to the seriousness of his behavior and direct him toward getting help. I’m not saying divorce him just yet, just get him into treatment, he may do significantly better on medication.
Also absolutely do not get pregnant to him until this is sorted out. It’s all pretty weird.
For some reason this post resonated with me when I read it a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know if that has anything to do with what happened but basically while at the beach the other day my wife and I were goofing around wrestling in the ocean and the waves. She had fallen down and was getting tossed around so I quickly grabbed her hand. Well, her hand slipped and took my ring with it and was lost for good.
Spent the next two hours combing the beach hoping against logic that it would wash up but..I mean, why would it?
What are the next steps a happily married couple should take? Just go buy a new one and call it fixed? I know it’s just “stuff” but we’re both really bummed that we lost my ring and it almost feels like getting a new one would be a limp gesture.
Athol: Awwww that’s crappy luck, but it’s all in the way you frame the story.
In the utter insanity of looking for a tiny bit of heavy metal in the crashing surf, you both searched for the ring for hours. Together. Side by side. Hearts as one.
Put that way, it doesn’t really seem like you lost anything but a couple hundred bucks. The ring is just a symbol. It’s not the love. There’s no magic in the ring itself. It’s in the wanting to wear it with pride and honor.
Or put another way…
Just go buy a new ring together and tell the story about the day you guys lost the old ring for the next 40-50 years. Have two versions… playfully blame each other in each other’s version. Then kiss each other long and deep as your children and grandchildren roll their eyes and moan disgust, but feel a deep inner peace from hearing the family legend retold nonetheless.
Marriage is a long time. Some days you’ll win, some days you’ll lose. But you’ll win and lose as a team.
One of the things Jennifer and I have grown greatly on over the last two years, is understanding and meeting each others needs for sexual intensity. She likes me to be sexually dominant and somewhat rough with her once in a while, so we do that. I discovered half my interest in doing something outside the relationship, was just me trying to find a way to gain sexual intensity as well. The days I find myself getting randomly cranky and worked up, I let her know in advance that “we need to do something intense tonight”. I don’t wait anymore for her to decide to wear the pink lingerie for example, I just ask for it and she gets that I’m being truthful about my needs. It’s working really well for us.
So let’s get to the point in a round about fashion…
Lainey said, “It’s fascinating the different cultures of a marriage. I think Athol must have a very, very high libido. You guys have a nightly expectation of sex, and that works for you. Is Athol ever not in the mood?”
About fourteen years ago Jennifer and I went on vacation with her parents to visit her college roommate and her parents up in New Hampshire. Her roommate’s parents laid on a huge New England spread for dinner the first night there. Now I don’t know whether it was the steamed clams, the lobster, or the strawberry cream pie that didn’t agree with me, but I do know my body just decided to purge first and ask questions later. I’m talking about the kind of ill where you have to make split second decisions between sitting on the toilet and kneeling in front of it. The strawberry cream pie came out the top, the steamed clams out the back and I don’t know exactly which way the lobster went. I lost count of the number of “involuntary episodes” I had, but it was a total combined number somewhere in the teens over the space of about two hours. I was extremely ill and probably had a fever from fluid loss.
In short, I was sick. Objectively, measurably and regrettably ill.
So naturally after showering off and a thorough tooth brushing, I climbed into bed with Jennifer and asked for sex. Jennifer declined as she was all uptight about our little alcove-like room not having a door and being central to all the other bedrooms on the second floor. Which of course to me was the intense turn on. Sigh.
Anyway… yes almost always I’m upbeat about heading to bed for sex. But… I’m older now, I’m 41, I’m not a machine. Some days I’m just tired and I want Jennifer to take the lead in bed and make something happen. Usually we’re just in such a rut that we expect sex to happen. Oh the ultra rare occasions I just announce before bed that I want nothing, Jennifer usually asks if she needs to dial 911.
But usually I’m just sleepy, overtired, a little moody and indecisive about whether I want sex when it starts to get weird. Usually Jennifer figures it’s her turn to lead sexy-time and she slides over and starts annoying the hell out of me by playing with my dick. Up down up down up down up down swirly-tease-thing… and when I’m sleepy, overtired, a little moody and indecisive about whether I want sex, swirly-tease-thing is agonizingly almost good but not quite and thus really annoying.
By the time she actually gets me hard, I’m pissed off. Not the “bitch-I-hate-your-guts” sort of pissed off, more the, I’m-worked-up-and-let’s-get this-over-with-so-I-can-get-some-sleep pissed off.
The sex is insanely good. I mean insanely good. By nature I tend heavily to nice guyness, but these nights Jennifer gets rag doll fucked as I unleash my emotional charge into her. Afterwards she’s so cuddly and just burrows into my side sighing contentedly. It was after one of these nights a few years back where I really realized how much she likes that sort of sex. I wonder now a little more if some of that she’s actually unconsciously instigated…
Sometimes a woman will Fitness Test or otherwise annoy you to create the situation where things are emotionally charged. That charge can be a negative emotion, or it can be a positive one, but the purpose of the charge is to instigate you into intense sex with her.
Some couples have repeated relationship problems solely to create intense emotional situations, which create very short term splits in the relationship, which then allow intense make-up sex. So if you find yourself in this dynamic of “blow up —> hot sex” over and over, it may be possible to adjust the dynamic to just bypassing the Fitness Test, and head more directly to the hot sex.
The other option is to recognize the need for emotional/sexual intensity, and more purposely supply it. You don’t have to be angry to have highly intense sex. That’s just a quick and easy path to getting yourself into a more intense mindset. But you already have strong feelings for her that can be tapped into; your love for her. If this is what she wants, needs and responds to, it’s loving to give it to her.
Not every night to be sure. But some nights…burn bright.