The Main Complaint About Monogamy Is That It Works

I got a long reader email that has far too many identifying marks to edit, so the short version is he is trying to decide whether or not to marry his girlfriend of 2.5 years. By his account she is wife material and a good match for him. Her sex drive seems higher than his, but the main stumbling point is he’s cheated on her 3-4 times and gotten away with it already, and just can’t get past the idea of getting married and not getting a little something on the side once in a while. After all, per evolutionary psychology, that’s how men are wired. Right?
Athol: There’s not a perfect solution to choose.
You are correct that monogamy isn’t natural and that men and women are biologically wired to have a primary partner and opportunistic sex with others. However much of our modern society isn’t natural. Democracy isn’t natural, nor is capitalism, or education, the rule of law, hospitals, flushing toilets and plentiful food. (Autotuned pop music isn’t natural either, so that I guess slightly ruins the point I’m making because let’s face it, autotune is awful.)
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  1. Thankful man says:

    Nicole Kidman? Really? Megan fox is so much better! Jk, but seriously why are you even getting married if you can't stay faithful to one woman? He doesn't deserve to get married. Why is this guy in a relationship in the first place?

  2. Anonymous says:

    Sounds very much like GL to me. ;)

    My own opinion here, is that he doesn't love this woman enough, because if he did he would do as you have done Athol and suppress those desires.

    Guy's on an ego trip. Can't have his cake and eat it too, however..

    Sooner or later his girlfriend will find out (perhaps he gets off on the deception-ya know the fear of getting caught heightens the excitement or some such crap like that.) and when she does she will kick this slag's sorry ass to the curb.

    And yes, Thankful man, why this guy is in a relationship certainly beats the hell outta me too!


  3. Stephenie Rowling says:

    I also agree if he is asking the question after 2.5 years he doesn't want to get married and is not able to let go of his desire to have sex with many women. I will say let her to be free or propose an open marriage. I don't particularly like the open marriage thing but that will solve his desire for variety and her higher sex drive. Of course there is the risk she will find a better lover and dump him for him, but I think it couldn't happen to a better man ;)

  4. Anonymous says:

    The problem with people who have the "eat and have your cake" mindset, is that it is always at someone else's expense.

    If the OP actually cares for his GF, then he should let her go. Her reality of their relationship is based on a false assumption on her part. There is really no need to get married if you want sexual variety. It doesn't look like he has a problem getting women, so why add more complications.

    If a man wants MARRIAGE and SEXUAL VARIETY, then it is best he couples up with the subset of women who prefer, understand, are a psychologically built for those kinds of relationships. I doubt his GF falls into that category.

    He needs to stop his hamster from running. Seriously, just break up with her and be free. Regardless of what the Manosphere says, there are lots of good wife material out there. If you decide later that a monogamous marital relationship is for you, I'm sure you'll find a good woman to marry. Or like I stated previously, you can do the alternative marriage/rlsp route.


  5. Looking Glass says:

    Maybe the proper statement to the guy is: "dude, you're a slut and a liar". This isn't a marriage that's been ground down after 8 years. This is you, running around on your live-in girlfriend. Either break it off with her or with any others, if you want to get married. You don't get a middle ground on this stuff. An "open" relationship is better known as "soon to be ended" relationship.

    And it should be pointed out, if you want to have kids with her and marry her & you don't stop, you can expect to see your kids every 2 weeks for the rest of their childhood. You're hamstering yourself into a messy & costly divorce.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I've seen legitimate open relationships that work and last. But it's really hard to get one started by running around on somebody who thinks they are in a monogamous relationship.

  7. Lainey says:

    I agree with most of the posters. You aren't ready for marriage and monogamy. It's better to move on, and not mislead your nice girl anymore.

  8. Thag Jones says:

    Do her a favour and let her go.

  9. Thag Jones says:

    And it should be pointed out, if you want to have kids with her and marry her & you don't stop, you can expect to see your kids every 2 weeks for the rest of their childhood. You're hamstering yourself into a messy & costly divorce.

    And you'd deserve the bed you made.

  10. Anonymous says:

    If she's got a higher sex drive than he does, why is he steppin' out on her? Guy's an idiot. He should do everyone a favor and dump her so she can lavish herself on a non-idiot.

  11. hsu says:

    If she's got a higher sex drive than he does, why is he steppin' out on her? Guy's an idiot. He should do everyone a favor and dump her so she can lavish herself on a non-idiot.

    Wow, that is such a beta response. You really need to stop putting women on a pedestal.

    If her sex drive is higher than his, but he's cheating anyways, it means that…

    A) His dating market value is significantly higher than her dating market value (so he should dump her and find a woman closer to his market value), or

    B) Her body type just doesn't do it for him (if a woman doesn't turn you on, it doesn't matter how attractive she is to other people), or

    C) He's taking artificial testosterone, which makes him want to do the bump and grind with everyone (ex-governor Arnold, for example).

  12. traditional girl says:

    If he decides he wants to marry this girl, he really must tell her about the cheating and let her decide how she wants to proceed. If he doesn't he'd be marrying her without her consent. In fact the longer he waits to tell her the more he uses her as his girlfriend without her consent. I know this might sound radical and juvenile to some, but for all those who cheat and keep quiet "for the good of their partner," who are you to dictate your partner's values? I'd rather live a life of overwhelming pain and honesty than a life of pleasure and lies. How could he let this woman give birth his children on the basis of awful lies? If one considers the capacity to act freely as essential to a fully lived life, then, seen in a certain light, to allow a woman to make the most important decision of her life on the basis of false information is a step away from murder. Tell her, and maybe she'll forgive. Maybe you'll reach an understanding. Maybe your relationship won't be cupcake happy, but it might survive, and be real and true. Quite simply, as far as I am concerned, there is no relationship at all without honesty.

    Oh and I love Athol's body agenda comment. I think he's absolutely right, and that this is the reason couples who date for a long time before marriage rarely work out. Their bodies are asking,"Where are the kiddies?"

  13. Anonymous says:

    "I'd rather live a life of overwhelming pain
    and honesty than a life of pleasure and lies.

    Gee, I dunno, trad girl. Guess it would depend on how much pleasure I was gettin' ;)


  14. Anonymous says:

    I don't understand why it is beta to ask why this guy is cheating on a girlfriend with a higher sex drive than him, unless one ASSUMES that every relationship any man ever enters into is fundamentally driven by the desire to have sex with as many women as possible.

    Just because a man is alpha and has been able to play the game doesn't mean that he couldn't find a higher value in a monog relationship, children, family, eventually grandchildren, etc.

    Marriage and family also presents betas with a significant choice: keep what I earn for myself, or volunteer for a life of service to other people in a society that doesn't appropriately value that…

    …granted that alphas often have to consider BOTH of these points.

    I'm not going to condemn the main character of this little drama based on what has happened so far, but I do think he should move on and come clean with his gf (much better for both in the long run). Until a man can date exclusively and willingly engage in a truly monog relationship of ANY type, I don't think he has committed to the the concept of the wife and family arrangement being higher value than the bedpost notch count. "Settling" into a legally binding LTR is almost certainly going to fail.

  15. Smart says:

    When I was younger (before I married) I hung out with this guy who would have sex with a lot of girls, some married some not.

    He is about 12 years old than me and I thought at the time that he was sleaze. Looking back, he was not that bad of a guy. He knew what kind of person he was and what he wanted and never told girls he was interested in marriage or long term relationships.

    He had a lot of respect for his friends who were married or in committed relationships, but knew that was not for him.

    He doesn't believe in marriage and knows that about himself. I am guessing this reader doesn't really have that capacity yet to make that assessment of himself but if he wants "some on the side" as well. I would guess he is marrying cause he thinks he should, not cause he wants to.

  16. Anonymous says:

    I just wonder would it be alright for the guy to have an open marriage considering that the is not able to offer her enough sex and needs his variety. My experience is pretty much so far that some men think it is alright for them to "have variety" but not for their girlfriend/wife. Maybe he should consider that eventually it could be both of them "needing a variety"

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