Delayed Ejaculation: When He Just Can’t Orgasm With You

I had a long email from a woman who has what she believed was a unique problem. Her boyfriend couldn’t orgasm with her. He could orgasm normally while masturbating, and he was very clearly interested in her sexually, and in fact he was very pleasing to her sexually. The best lover she ever had… just no orgasm for him… nor anyone else in his sexual history. There was an obvious smoking gun in his history though – at age 13, he learned that he was the product of a rape. Which I think has to have been a bit of a mindfuck….
Hi there,
it’s called Delayed Ejaculation and you are not alone. I’ve had another woman write to me with the same issue, so it’s not unheard of to me and I’m sure if you start searching online with “delayed ejaculation” as search terms, you’ll find a ton more information.
I think in your boyfriend’s case the explanation is simple, at age 13  he learned about him being a product of rape and that scarred him psychologically. He’s physically fine if he can masturbate to orgasm several times a week, but he’s made this mental block of something along the lines of “I’ll never get a woman pregnant, and I can do that by not ejaculating with her.”
What he’s essentially done is “toilet trained” himself to “hold it” until he can get to an appropriate place to masturbate. It’s exactly the same thing as people who can’t use public bathrooms to poop, and they just hold it until they get home. They say they “just can’t” and have no real explanation for it beyond that.
So my suggestion is to is to have your boyfriend stop masturbating. The purpose of this is to build up semen inside him and make him increasingly trigger happy when he has sex with you. At some point, his physical need for release will just become too great and he won’t be able to hold it any longer. Male sexuality is a plumbing problem as much as anything; the more pressure built up the harder it wants to blow something out and ruin the carpet.
It’s essentially the same idea of denying someone a bathroom and telling them they have to pee on themselves. The will hold out for a long time, but if they keep taking in fluids, eventually they just have to break their conditioning and pee on themselves.
If this behavior of losing control with you and having an orgasm is repeated enough, it should become the new conditioning he becomes used to. Over time it should get easier and easier for him to orgasm with you.
This approach did prove effective with my other reader. Though I caution you that it did take around nine months before they had success. Mostly because they didn’t both buy into the idea fully at first, and because he repeatedly masturbated without her knowledge and lied to her about it. He was extremely avoidant about dealing with the issue and from the beginning I suggested getting a male chasity device for him, but neither one wanted to try it.
A few weeks back she wrote to me at her wits end and I again painstakingly explained to her he was lying to her about not masturbating. Once I convinced her she was actually heartbroken about it all and I believe she gave him a “short sharp directive” after that email. Eight or nine days after that I received a quite pornographic email in return describing a blowjob that resulted in the mother of all cumshots. Still trying to be avoidant, he actually tried stopping the blowjob twice, but she forced the issue and got covered in goo as she desired.
So anyway, that’s just one idea of the few that are out there for trying to fix Delayed Ejaculation. If it works great, if not, try something else. Do expect a little bit of a bumpy road, but it is possible to change this. Ironically, what we’re actually trying to do is teach him that you’re his cum-dumpster. Though I mean that in the sweetest way.
 

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Comments

  1. Thankful man says:

    Great post as usual Athol.

    Thats kind of sad that he and other men are like that but, I hope they work through the situation

  2. Anonymous says:

    Only one comment so far? Geez, I guess delayed ejaculation is not that common among the readers of this blog. A fantastic blog I might add :-)
    Oh well, hopefully it will help someone someday.

    Katherine

  3. Athol Kay says:

    I had some new email on this Katherine.

    So it helped a couple people.

  4. Anonymous says:

    "he actually tried stopping the blowjob twice, but she forced the issue"

    Dang, sounds like she raped him! :)
    I see potential for some funky dynamics above and beyond the pre-existing issues. Probably be good for him to see a (good!) therapist at least a time or two for mental health check, and if they find other hidden nasties then maybe some therapy for her too. (Hidden nasties always show up in odd ways and she's clearly okay being with him, so what's she got hidden herself?)

  5. EvilGeniusJellyBean says:

    Grrrrr, I had typed out a well-crafted, lengthy, thoughtful and thought-provoking comment, but an unfortunate dog-chewing-on-the-power-cable incident made it go *poof* into the ethers. If this comment isn't very good, I'm sorry. You should have seen the other one! ;)

    I may or may not be the one who wrote to Athol and got the email published in this post as a response. (Aside — thank you, Athol, for responding, and so quickly!)

    Anonymous 5:16, I agree that some couch time would probably be good for him, and for us, but he is sensitive *in the extreme* about this, and would rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades than
    ::: cue dramatic voice ::: Go To Therapy to Work On It. He is becoming more and more willing to talk about it as time goes by. In short, yes there are emotional pathologies at play here. (Don't we all have them, one way or another?) I do believe that eventually he will be willing to talk to a sex therapist about it, but in the meantime I have an action plan and an approach to try.

    In the beginning of our sexual relationship it really threw me for a loop — was I not attractive enough? Was I not doing it right? Am I terrible at sex? Those little doubts still crop up from time to time, but now they are only occasional whispers, and I get past them.

  6. Looking Glass says:

    He's basically got a massive guilt complex that's now wrapped around sex with a woman. That generally needs professional help. He probably first has to get past finding a way to deal with it, that doesn't include burying it. (Just "talking" to someone is rarely useful, but burying emotionally troubling issues just means a massive heartattack at 40)

    And, I think, given Athol's audience, this just isn't a common topic. It's less "I can't get off!" and more "I want to get off with my wife but she doesn't want to!". Selection bias and all that jazz.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I am the woman who Athol described in the latter part of his post and would like to share the following:

    We have been married 16 years. He had delayed ejaculation with intercourse (yes, I was VERY sore)and no ejaculation with handjobs and blowjobs. Ever.
    I doubted my skills as a lover, I felt horrible, almost left him several times because of it, I yelled, I threatened, I refused to have intercourse, and finally went to see a counselor. Then he went to see a counselor. Then we went to see a sex therapist together. None of that was of any help whatsoever.

    Then….one night it happened! I gave him a BJ and after he stopped me twice (he said it gets too intense, it makes him dizzy, etc.) I continued and talked to him in a soft tone and basically tried to show him that nothing bad is going to happen if he lets go…and well, let's just say there was a lot of manjuice all over me.
    What made him suddenly let go during a BJ after 16 years? I have no friggin clue. But I have a few hunches:

    If you are a woman in the same situation, try to find out if he has been abused (physically, emotionally, and sexually) In my hubby's case all 3 applied. Tune into his personality, i.e. is he competitive? A very private person in general, doesn't trust easily, always needs to be in control of himself?
    Does Madonna-Whore complex play a role?

    Athol's advice was golden and I'm forever grateful! He advised hubby to stop masturbating and build up until the urge to spill the goods overrides everything going on in his head. (the other head) Sounds simple right? Yes, but hubby has trained himself for decades to only cum when he masturbates.
    (Try to do without your morning coffee for a comparison) Old habits are hard to break but it is possible. Anything is possible with "LOADS" of patience and two open minds.

    So, ladies out there, stand by your man, hang in there and you will be rewarded, even if it takes almost 2 decades.
    Is it a long time? Yes, but there are men out there who put up with wives who are very shy in bed but they persist and "break them down" which takes years…
    At the end of the day love is what matters, I was able to live without "man goo" but I can't live without love.

    Katherine

  8. Anonymous says:

    Delayed ejaculation frequently has to do with the man masturbating too hard, too fast, always in the same pattern and too porn. Over time you get numbed down by too hard stimulation and need harder stimulation than a vagina or toungue can give. THe porn can lead to always needing imagery and trouble focusing on tactile sensation here and now and difficulty focusing on the experience because you can get acustomed to jerking of while constantly changing the women you look at every minute or so. THe solution is to masturbate gently, slowly, in varied and different stroke patterns than normally and without porn preferable without any mental fantasy at all, just focusing on the sensations in the body. IN the begining this won`t feel like much but after 10-15 minutes of gentle slow stimulation you get somewhat resensitivised. If you stick on a diet of only slow and gentle for a couple of weeks you should get so resensitivised that you can cum much quicker and sex will feel waaaaaaaaaaay better. You could fix this during sex with a woman as well. Just do it extremely slow either with her hand, mouth or when inside of her. Just accept that for a week or two you will be very flacid a lot of the time but that it will build up to erections harder than ever after some time.

  9. generic viagra says:

    That is a male organ defect indeed. I think it is painful.

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