Had a question in comments somewhere about handling Fitness Tests and figuring out what is a test or not.
Very simply, reasonable requests made in a reasonable tone of voice aren’t Fitness Tests. I generally advise you to comply with the request. “Can you take the trash out please?” It is very important that you don’t turn into an angry ogre refusing to do basic “husbandly” tasks that are reasonable.
Reasonable requests made in an unreasonable tone of voice, are of the whining/nagging variety of Fitness Testing. I generally advise to draw attention to the reasonable nature of the request, and the unreasonable tone. “When are you going to take the trash out, I’m so tired of having to ask you over and over blah blah blah, whiny whiny whiny….” After that, fail to comply with the request, until it is framed politely.
Unreasonable requests made in a reasonable tone of voice are the sneaky and true Fitness Tests. “We really need to upgrade the kitchen don’t you think? (cuddle) I could do so much more if it was better.” (When the kitchen is perfectly fine lol. Seriously, she doesn’t even cook anything other than macaroni and cheese from a box anyway.) Compliance with this means you are trying to please her in a way that benefits her at a cost to you. After her $15,000 kitchen upgrade that had you working over time for seven months to pay for it all, she mentions how uncomfortable she is in her “old” car…
Reframe to explain the unreasonable nature of the request, deflect, or ignore it. This is also fine to play back the cock and funny thing and escalate sexually – “I think you don’t really want a new kitchen, I think this is all just a play for attention.”
Unreasonable requests made in an unreasonable tone of voice, are just verbal abuse. “When the fuck are you going to fix this shithole of a kitchen you lazy ass cocksucker?!? I cannot do anything in his place, how do you expect me to cook anything here?!?! Seriously, what is your problem with acting like this all the fucking time?” Say that it’s completely unacceptable behavior to act this way, fail to comply with the request quite plainly. Reduce her importance to you with each occurrence and start forming an exit plan as necessary. I.e., start the MAP up
You don’t have to yell or scream to pass a Fitness Test, you simply have to fail to comply with the request. You can pass most light testing with a simply but direct smile and a “no thank you, you are quite capable of doing that.”
Of course sometimes you get stunlocked into having to complete a task set by a Fitness Test, because it’s too mission critical to be left undone. Something like paying the mortgage, or picking a kid up from school, comes to mind. Sometimes you just have to do it. But don’t let that go unsaid, and don’t establish that as your plan forever.