Girl Game: Hold Him Tight

One of the things that husbands most complain about, is feeling that their wife is not really into having sex with them. Their complaint is stated something like this…
Oh sure, she has sex with me, but she just doesn’t seem that into it.
Oh sure, she has orgasms, but she just doesn’t seem to be that into it.
Oh sure, she does initiate sex once in a while, but she’s just doing that to please me I think, it’s not like she’s really into it.
Oh sure, she does give me handjobs and blowjobs, but she just doesn’t seem that into it.
See how that works?
You can even be giving a guy a lot of sex, and varied sex to boot, and he can still have this sense that you aren’t into him… which hurts his feelings. He’ll still have the sex of course, it will just feel a little hollow to him. Note that you can even be really into him, and he won’t pick up on it fully.
The problem is usually very simple… you aren’t telegraphing to him in a language he understands that you’re into him when you’re in the act of having sex.
The solution is also just as simple… hold him tight when you’re having sex. When you hold him firmly against you, that means in the language of touch that you really want him there.
If you’re in the missionary position and have your arms by your sides, or lightly on his back/arms, it’s a weak display of interest. But if you firmly grip his ass and pull him into you in time with his thrusts, that’s a whole different message. Or if you wrap your arms around his back and hold him tightly, it means he isn’t going to be able to get up off you without a struggle, which means you’re communicating you really want him there.
All that pulling him hard against you is going to make him work a little harder as well. Don’t worry that you’re going to collapse him against you like a ton of bricks, he’s strong enough to handle it. All that will happen is that you’ll make him work with extra muscle tension in his body and that is a key to orgasm in both sexes.
So hold him tight against you when you’re having sex together. It’s so simple and easy to do.
(Bonus Move: Say ”fuck me harder” 10-15 seconds before he comes. Spank him a little…)
 

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Comments

  1. Thag Jones says:

    Or, y'know, you could just be into him. This is just playacting.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    You miss the point Thag. Someone has to tell the sexually repressed good girls it's okay to act like you like it.

  3. David Balan says:

    It's usually less of a question of actually being into a person than in expressing it sexually in a manner that they understand. Since women and men have different wirings (as a general rule – not always) when it comes to what is sexual, this can easily become an obstacle, where both partners feel like they are giving alot, but not getting anything back.

    The truth is, of course, that both of them are expressing their interest in the way that -they- would understand, but it's not reaching their partner. Once this hurdle is surmounted and the partners realize how to reach one another, they do that for each other, and both feel more fulfilled.

    It's not playacting at all, it's simply expressing the same feeling differently – like talking in another language.

    Except learning a foreign language was never this enjoyable.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Sexually repressed? If a woman is into her husband he'll know it all right. A woman in the throes of pleasure will grip and moan or scream.. It's involuntary..

    Now if she is having orgasms but does not seem to be that into it, then she is NOT having orgasms but is faking them.

    I'm still trying to work out how to grip my husband to show I'm really into him when he's doing me over the sofa the kitchen sink or the bed etc… (very rarely use missionary position, does not hit the spot for me) Maybe he gets the idea that I am having a good time and am REALLY into him by what I say, the heavy breathing moaning and screaming and the resultant multiple orgasms that ensue..

    Yeah, pretty sure it's a clue. ;)

    Look, what you describe above,Athol, are women who are JUST NOT INTO SEX..

    A sexually repressed woman (and they are rare, usually it's due to disinterest in sex)will more than likely be happy to hold hubby tight because all she probably wants is a cuddle.

    If she doesn't seem into it, then she probably isn't.. It's impossible for a woman who IS into it to curb her enthusiasm.

    Sure she can grip hubby tightly, but she will still not be into it if she is disinterested in the first place.

    I've said this before, Athol. I know many women who are just not really into sex.. They love their husbands, but sex is not big on their list of things they like to do. Sure they like cuddles and affection but are not overly enthusiastic about the sex.

    This has been a problem for men since time immemorial.

    Your simplistic solution fails to address the real problem here, I think, and that is, lack of interest in sex(for some women)

    K (you know who I am :D )

  5. LadyGrace says:

    "Now if she is having orgasms but does not seem to be that into it, then she is NOT having orgasms but is faking them."

    I have to take exception with this – sometimes I have "little" orgasms which are very enjoyable, but sometimes I have BIG orgasms which are more the screaming/crying variety. I have never faked it or lied about it. Usually the little ones happen when I'm not terribly interested to start with, but I manage to catch up before it's over.

  6. Stephenie Rowling says:

    "I have to take exception with this – sometimes I have "little" orgasms which are very enjoyable, but sometimes I have BIG orgasms which are more the screaming/crying variety."

    Oh so I'm not a freak!? I have at least 5 types of different orgasms so far, but few people describe this happening with the same woman, so I was thinking I was confused or something. Maybe Athol or Jennifer can talk about the different types of orgasm, it would be a good thing so guys can tell a quiet orgasm from a screaming one, I think porn has sold the idea that unless she is screaming she is faking it. It will make them relax a bit probably too.

  7. Anonymous says:

    For me there are basically two types of sexual encounters: 1.) I am really into it and Hubby would have to be an idiot not to know (which he's not, thank you very much..scored in the top 9% on the LSAT), and 2.) It's the week before my period and I find this time of the month difficult in summoning up an orgasm, so I just lie back and enjoy the experience of what is happening, and also concentrate on his fulfillment instead of my own. Catching all the nuances of what makes him happy is in itself very fulfilling.

  8. Athol Kay says:

    Your simplistic solution fails to address the real problem here, I think, and that is, lack of interest in sex(for some women)

    I have nearly two years worth of writing on that topic as you well know.

    People do have a fair amount of control over their orgasms. Just ask anyone that's had very very quiet sex because the kids are still up, and noisy sex because the kids are at grandma's.

  9. Anonymous says:

    This is not about the quantity or quality or intensity of orgasms, it's about enthusiasm

    These men are saying that their wives do not appear to be into it. If you girls ARE enjoying the sex and orgasming ( and there are women who really enjoy sex but don't always orgasm either) I am sure that your husbands would be aware of this.. The look on your face, a sigh, maybe whispering something in his ear etc…

    . The point is he knows you are into it. So Gracie, am sure your little pleasurable orgasms do not escape your husbands notice. :D

    K

  10. Anonymous says:

    If I am really into sex the tight holding, pulling thing come naturally. A woman who has to consciously do these things probably isn't into it. Maybe the guy's not all that good in bed.

  11. **** ***** says:

    if it gets to the point that my wife isn't into it, it's over. straight up. no haggling necessary

  12. Looking Glass says:

    I think people I missing what Athol is trying to say. Let me rephrase it a bit.

    The wife described in the passage is "into" her husband, but the husband feels something is missing. He knows something is missing, but doesn't know what. This causes frustration because he feels like something is missing.

    But, since he can't put a finger on the exact issue, he can't actually address the problem with his wife. So you get stuck in a spiral of Annoyance and Confusion on the topic.

    What Athol is pointing out is that there's 1 little bit of physical communication that might not seem like much, but it can be a piece to a puzzle that neither party realizes is missing.

    The "everyone should know that" defense doesn't work. Athol's work is completely based around the fact that most people don't have a model to discuss these topics. And, well, they don't.

  13. Anonymous says:

    "What Athol is pointing out is that there's 1 little bit of physical communication that might not seem like much, but it can be a piece to a puzzle that neither party realizes is missing."

    No I don't agree with that. Holding him tighter will do the trick? Look as I pointed out if a woman is truly into it her man will be left with no doubt that she is.

    As anon 12:11 am said "If I am really into sex the tight holding, pulling thing come naturally. A woman who has to consciously do these things probably isn't into it."

    And she is is spot on.

    Athol "So hold him tight against you when you're having sex together. It's so simple and easy to do."

    Absolute bollocks if you have to consciously do that. It's forced. And like I said an oversimplification. Where the hell is the passion? All this is just too clinical.

    What is missing LG is enthusiasm and passion on the wife's side If she is not that enthusiastic, she is just not that into sex like hubby is.. It's not uncommon, particularly after women have kids. I know how many women feel about sex.

    I get on well with people and over the years have come to realize through many conversations with women(many in my previous job as Administration- personnel manager for a large company)that many women do indeed go off sex after they have had children. Others never cared for it very much in the first place, preferring cuddles and affection, still others who love their husbands and want to please them fake orgasm. Then there are those who like sex but don't often orgasm. Others orgasm all the time.. It's really a mixed bag.

    In anycase none of you bright sparks, including the Captain of this blog have enlightened me on how I am gonna hold hubby tight when he's doing me over the sofa..lol..

    K

  14. 1bd9e79e-e2a1-11e0-9dda-000bcdca4d7a says:

    The thing is, K, people vary a lot. Most of the girls I've dated have been…vocal. Really obviously so. My current girlfriend is not. To the extent that she can go through an entire orgasm while being perfectly silent and barely changing her breathing pattern. And this is really unnerving, because I feel like she's not enjoying it or into me even though she is.

    Because I'm aware of this we've talked about it, and sometimes she forces herself to vocalize what she's feeling and we both enjoy ourselves more. But that doesn't change the fact that she can totally enjoy herself and come to orgasm without saying a damn thing, and then I come away really unsatisfied.

  15. Anonymous says:

    "But that doesn't change the fact that she can totally enjoy herself and come to orgasm without saying a damn thing, and then I come away really unsatisfied."

    Aw, you poor petal.Never mind, maybe your next girlfriend will be a yeller and a screamer.
    *rolls eyes*

    K

  16. Athol Kay says:

    Thats enough Kathy.

  17. Anonymous says:

    So, you don't like my Girl Game then?
    I'm cut to the quick, Athol. ;)

    K

  18. Athol Kay says:

    Its insulting other readers thats getting you moderated Kathy.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Yeah Kathy, STFU!

  20. Anonymous says:

    So my wife is good at what you're describing – once she's into it. The problem is getting there. More often than not, for the first 2/3rds of the process, she just lays there, as if to say "OK big boy, make it happen."

    Any ideas on how to get her more into it during foreplay?

  21. elhaf says:

    The thing that K is missing is the old "fake it til you make it". Which actually works. Once you show signs of being into it, the guy can get more into it, because as was mentioned he's missing something. Once you provide that something, he's into it more, which can result in her being into it more, etc.

  22. Lainey says:

    "The thing that K is missing is the old "fake it til you make it". Which actually works. Once you show signs of being into it, the guy can get more into it, because as was mentioned he's missing something. Once you provide that something, he's into it more, which can result in her being into it more, etc."

    Exactly. Plus, not every time is going to be fireworks for her so taking the time to touch, pull him in, look into his eyes pleases HIM.

    I love sex, but hormones and life with kids gets me distracted at times. We usually do ladies first here, and it helps immensely getting daily chores and issues off my mind so I am really into it.

    So, yes, grabbing him should be natural and passionate, but sometimes you have to put thought into things, and that is okay, too.

  23. Anonymous says:

    My *husband* can be totally silent while he's shooting a huge load of cum down my throat. Mighty handy in a parking lot with the windows open. If I didn't know him better, and a bunch of goo wasnt rushong down my throat, I'd think he wasn't that into me.

    Just the flip side of whay Athol is trying to say here.

    I had to loosen up a lot… Was terrified of touching "down there" or grabbing too hard, or whatever. When he finally told me that I *may* want to back off if I draw blood, I got the point – TOUCH HIM!! A lot. Make him feel it. After all, he's probably working pretty damned hard… A little tickle of the fingers will probably be missed!

  24. Anonymous says:

    "My *husband* can be totally silent while he's shooting a huge load"

    Umm, yes, and what is with that? Can someone please enlighten me on why my husband is so silent during sex? Yes, he enjoys it, God knows I certainly do, but why so silent? Are most men silent like this, or do they usually say something?

  25. Julia says:

    I think for many men, it's a struggle to display such emotion – even when in the throes of sexual release. This may vary according to their ethnic background and family upbringing.

    Stiff upper lip and all that, you know. My husband is more demonstrative now after several decades. But it took him awhile to get there. Tell him you appreciate a little feedback.

  26. haylestales says:

    aha. this is great. i love reading a man's perspective.

    i'm a single female and i can't wait for the day when i get to unleash all i've learned onto a man. the poor guy…whoever he is.

    this is such a great blog and your wife is a very lucky woman! keep writing! please!

  27. Eric says:

    Seriously, who are these guys getting blowjobs and handjobs and as much sex as they want with horny wives who orgasm easily… and are still complainig that she 'isn't that into it'? These men need to man up.

    At some point, one has to wonder if these men aren't simply insecure about their masculinity or ability as lovers. And if their horny wife who orgasms easily is just laying there while they flop around on top of her, there may be a reason to be concerned about those things. My advice would be to learn some techniques that make it damn near impossible for your wife to remain unresponsive.

    Athol's advice for a woman to hold her man tighter while he pumps away in the missionary position… it seems to me to be rewarding bad behavior. You should be holding him tighter to get some leverage for the next thrust, not to placate his fragile ego.

  28. Eric says:

    "Are most men silent like this, or do they usually say something?"

    I can't speak for most men but I for one am pretty quiet in bed. I tried being more vocal and dirty talking for awhile just to change things up, but my wife indicated she wasn't crazy about it, which is fine becasue I felt kind of silly with it too. Likewise, I'm not a big fan of overly vocal sex… I pay very close attention to my wife's breathing patterns during sex, it provides excellent cues, low moans and whispers do it for me better than screams and shouts, even when we are going at it very hard, although sometimes it can't be helped… also eye contact and facial expressions do more for me than *any* vocalizations.

  29. Anonymous says:

    I agree with K, if I am understanding her properly.

    After all, isn't being "into someone" pretty much defined by giving that person a lot of attention and affection, and engaging with energy and enthusiasm?

    If you care about someone, you ensure that person feels loved. Otherwise you are just another ordinary self-involved bitch.

    And Eric, when you use shaming language like "need to man up", it is considered proper form to include a complete row or column from a standard Fembot Bingo card.

  30. Anonymous says:

    Unrelated to this post Athol, I was revisiting some old 80s hairband music in my collection and came across this song by Great White entitled "Mista Bone" and immediately thought of your blog! This song has a very alpha chorus. Here is a link to it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHETOBuWhmg

    Give it a listen… you will love it! You can do your best Tom Cruise in Risky Business imitation and sing it to Jennifer! Love the blog and the book.

    A long time reader.

    Ken

  31. Athol Kay says:

    Ken – cool song! Found the video here

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWfwm8vmWsA&feature=related

  32. Anonymous says:

    Lord! You people have to remember that so many women in the US are repressed! Athol has an entire series on "Her Sexy Transformation." Read it. So many of us were taught not to touch, so we don't. "Good girls don't do that." All Athol is trying to tellus is that they can. And please do! Touch is love. Especially during sex.

    Stop reading so much into this!

  33. Anonymous says:

    I love to wrap my legs around my husband too, and he likes that a lot. :-)

  34. Eric says:

    "And Eric, when you use shaming language like "need to man up", it is considered proper form to include a complete row or column from a standard Fembot Bingo card. "

    I agree with a lot, maybe even most, of Athol's posts and advice, but this one just seems ridiculous to me. I think it is a major stretch to call a woman sexually repressed when she initiates sex, has orgasms, goes down on her man, and administers hand jobs. If that stuff was lacking, I might have a sympathetic ear for these men, but if you've got that stuff working in your favor and come whining to me, I will point and laugh at you, because I find your life amusing. Sorry.

  35. Eric says:

    " So many of us were taught not to touch, so we don't."

    This does not sound like a woman who has problems with touching:

    Oh sure, she has sex with me, but she just doesn't seem that into it.
    Oh sure, she has orgasms, but she just doesn't seem to be that into it.
    Oh sure, she does initiate sex once in a while, but she's just doing that to please me I think, it's not like she's really into it.
    Oh sure, she does give me handjobs and blowjobs, but she just doesn't seem that into it.

  36. Anonymous says:

    Basically the men who have this issue aren't all that in bed, and instead of improving to the point where the woman does these things naturally he wants her to fake it. No thanks.

  37. Anonymous says:

    One can like sex a lot but be bored with your husband in a lot of different directions. It's the total picture that occurs before the bedroom and in the bed. Women reading this blog might try harder to be accomadating in all the ways mentioned above but are not into their husbands because they no longer find him attractive or Alpha as needed (or he is also lacking in the Beta). It's pretty discouraging to try and up the frequency and variety and it is still not very drawing to her mind or body. It would be very hard for a woman to tell her husband in so many words he is not able to gain her interest (despite her liking sex in itself and having sex with him) and so I guess women will try to hand their husband Athol's book. Men would all like to believe that because their wife is having sex with them and the husband is orgasming and the wife does so most of the time that he is therefore red hot stuff to her. Feeling that she is just not into you may be true! That is the painful truth and unfortunately that is why some women form the opportunities to seek out sex elsewhere (bad idea) and actually do find sexual satifaction elsewhere despite having affectionate ties to their spouse. I think Athol does hold out hope that a husband can turn this around if persistant enough in changing some things but he might have to face that there is a lack in his behavior or sexual skills that needs to be dealt with. I am also sure there needs to be some effort on the wife's part but the lack of change needs to start somewhere.

  38. Anonymous says:

    Wow. Lots of hate towards the husband(s) in this thread.

  39. Looking Glass says:

    Hehe, ah, the joys of people thinking only the way they operate must be the way all operate. Which, as I pointed out, is the entire crux of Athol's work and, oddly enough, why it works.

    Going back to the Husband in our initial example, he's responding to a "connection" issue. He, at an emotional/subconscious level, feels something is missing. At a practical level, him and his wife have a wonderful sex life. What has happened is that there is a subtle communication issue that he can't put to words. What he is noticing is a contrast between what his wife does when she's holding on to him outside of the bedroom, compared to inside the bedroom. But he doesn't have any model or frame or point of reference to explain what's unsettling him about this, which is actually minor, in the grand scheme of things.

    What's actually going on is, as well pointed out in this thread, that physicality and vocalization in bed are *very* idiosyncratic. The wife in the example is doing fine, there's just a subtle thing that's *different from unstated expectation*. We all have expectations that we don't realize we have, until they aren't met. That's all that's really amiss in the example. And, I'm sure, for some couples in that situation, the could have been an incident in the past (say, 10 very deep claw marks in the husband's back) which suggested against that type of firm gripping. While it might have been prudent, for safety concerns, something was lost and neither realized that aspect is now missing.

    While much of "bedroom etiquette" is actually idiosyncratic to the person, there's simply little things that are "necessary but not sufficient". This example is pretty much just one of those. The wife in the example shows no technical lack of "being into" her husband, there's just a minor displaying of that which is missing, that neither realize is missing but is bothering the husband. If the correction is really that minor to settle a last little thing, it's a very small adjustment to make.

  40. Eric says:

    Looking Glass,

    That is an excellent observation, but I just can't get past the idea that a man who emotionally complicates a sexual dynamic that (by your own admission) is wonderful at a practical level… this guy is more emotionally "complex" than your average male, to a degree that is bordering on feminine, and his marriage will probably always be effected by that in various ways (and certainly some of those ways are positive).

    You and Athol are probably right about the communication issue, but given the circumstances I think the man in question might FIRST look at his own sexual skills and techniques. During my single days I dated a few women who were just not that active in the sack, though they seemed to enjoy it. I did have success getting them to be more responsive by changing my technique in two areas: 1) a more teasing approach during foreplay, to the point where if they wanted penetration, they had to take some action to make it happen, and 2) clitoral stimulation AFTER they had an orgasm… most women will squirm and move around and try to take a little more active control of the sexual dance if you do this… for a girl who is committed to the missionary position, if you make it so that they get overstimulated in this positon, you may be able to get them to try another, and that opens up windows of opportunity for releasing her 'inner porn star'.

    I just that these types of things are a natural place to start if you suspect your otherwise normal wife isn't enjoying sex with you very much, as opposed to automatically assuming she is suffering from some kind of psychological repression.

  41. Looking Glass says:

    Quick point about humans, which is generally missed by most and is the root cause of most unintentional disagreements:

    We learn, and are better, non-verbal communication first. Before you really learn a language, you are a master of non-verbal communication. This is why 2 year olds are smarter than their parents.

    When "something bothers you" about another person or their actions, but you can't say "what" is bothering you, you are reading a disconnect between words, actions and expectations. Figuring out which is amiss is the big key.

    Since the main example is likely an amalgam of several different emailers, it's really just a core, subtle issue. It's not like everyone has this issue. But "everyone does it" covers, by practice, only about 85% of the population. There's 15% that doesn't. So, you start there with the "fundamentals".

    And like I said in my last comment, if there was an incident with excessive damage, maybe they've moved that out of their sex life and didn't think anything about it, yet it was something the man actually wants, he just can't put words to that missing expectation.

    It's possible there are other issues, but Athol laid out an example that's a relationship in a "good" spot, so you start looking at the simple, check-list things. If something is missing, that could simply be what was bothering a guy.

  42. Thag Jones says:

    I kind of get the point here. I suppose the level of sexual repression amongst American women is not something I've thought about much – if I am into having sex with a man, I don't need instructions, lol. I feel bad for all these men dealing with uptight women; it's just strange to me, that's all.

    As for "fake it till you make it", I can see some logic in it, in as far as your body will respond, however, if she is already kind of repressed, it could just make it worse. A woman needs to be open to allowing her body to respond and being open to the feelings that produces for it to work. But I admit, the path to getting through the sexual repression will differ from couple to couple.

    I would say step one is realising that if you married this person, you are meant to be a gift to him (as he is to you), and that "my body my choice" is bullshit, particularly in marriage. Woman may baulk at this, but if they want to enjoy sex with their husbands, they should just get over themselves and give a new idea a try. Find something to admire about your husband and work from there.

    My original response was unhelpful and snarky, I admit. I was being a lazy shit, sorry.

  43. Athol Kay says:

    Thanks Thag.

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