There has of late been some nasty commenting happening.
I am fine with people disagreeing with me and other commenters, I like a debate as much as anyone. However I am not fine with straight up insulting and goading of anyone. As a loose rule of thumb, I consider the comments to be “taking place in my living room” and people that insult me or my friends in my living room typically find themselves muzzled and shunted out the door.
In writing MMSL, I’m trying to strike a balance between the harsh truth and genuine concern for others. Also many aspects of sexual behavior are messy, both in an ethical sense and emotional one. When people come here, they usually come because of their own mess and insulting or attacking them for having a mess is of no productive value whatsoever. As much as possible, things need to stay positive and productive.
Also please bear in mind that I am writing under my own name and have a “real life” outside of MMSL. People in our real life do read the blog and the comments. The fact that Jennifer and I are real people, with a real marriage, goes a long way toward creating the platform where people think Game et al is something that can actually make a real difference, saving marriages, families and sex lives.
Whether it’s a physical affair or an emotional affair, does not matter.
If in the aftermath there has been no consequence great enough to make them apologize, they are getting away with it.
There will be no meaningful progress toward healing until they apologize.
The initial screaming wailing sobbing fit when you catch them red-handed doesn’t count. That’s just so you don’t kill them on the spot. They need to be not currently in a state of panic when they apologize.
You can try moving forward without their apology, but that’s more to do with your hope that everything will get better than your actual chances it will.
Sometimes there is nothing that will make them apologize.
I had a long email from a woman who has what she believed was a unique problem. Her boyfriend couldn’t orgasm with her. He could orgasm normally while masturbating, and he was very clearly interested in her sexually, and in fact he was very pleasing to her sexually. The best lover she ever had… just no orgasm for him… nor anyone else in his sexual history. There was an obvious smoking gun in his history though – at age 13, he learned that he was the product of a rape. Which I think has to have been a bit of a mindfuck….
it’s called Delayed Ejaculation and you are not alone. I’ve had another woman write to me with the same issue, so it’s not unheard of to me and I’m sure if you start searching online with “delayed ejaculation” as search terms, you’ll find a ton more information.
I think in your boyfriend’s case the explanation is simple, at age 13 he learned about him being a product of rape and that scarred him psychologically. He’s physically fine if he can masturbate to orgasm several times a week, but he’s made this mental block of something along the lines of “I’ll never get a woman pregnant, and I can do that by not ejaculating with her.”
What he’s essentially done is “toilet trained” himself to “hold it” until he can get to an appropriate place to masturbate. It’s exactly the same thing as people who can’t use public bathrooms to poop, and they just hold it until they get home. They say they “just can’t” and have no real explanation for it beyond that.
So my suggestion is to is to have your boyfriend stop masturbating. The purpose of this is to build up semen inside him and make him increasingly trigger happy when he has sex with you. At some point, his physical need for release will just become too great and he won’t be able to hold it any longer. Male sexuality is a plumbing problem as much as anything; the more pressure built up the harder it wants to blow something out and ruin the carpet.
It’s essentially the same idea of denying someone a bathroom and telling them they have to pee on themselves. The will hold out for a long time, but if they keep taking in fluids, eventually they just have to break their conditioning and pee on themselves.
If this behavior of losing control with you and having an orgasm is repeated enough, it should become the new conditioning he becomes used to. Over time it should get easier and easier for him to orgasm with you.
This approach did prove effective with my other reader. Though I caution you that it did take around nine months before they had success. Mostly because they didn’t both buy into the idea fully at first, and because he repeatedly masturbated without her knowledge and lied to her about it. He was extremely avoidant about dealing with the issue and from the beginning I suggested getting a male chasity device for him, but neither one wanted to try it.
A few weeks back she wrote to me at her wits end and I again painstakingly explained to her he was lying to her about not masturbating. Once I convinced her she was actually heartbroken about it all and I believe she gave him a “short sharp directive” after that email. Eight or nine days after that I received a quite pornographic email in return describing a blowjob that resulted in the mother of all cumshots. Still trying to be avoidant, he actually tried stopping the blowjob twice, but she forced the issue and got covered in goo as she desired.
So anyway, that’s just one idea of the few that are out there for trying to fix Delayed Ejaculation. If it works great, if not, try something else. Do expect a little bit of a bumpy road, but it is possible to change this. Ironically, what we’re actually trying to do is teach him that you’re his cum-dumpster. Though I mean that in the sweetest way.
One of the things that husbands most complain about, is feeling that their wife is not really into having sex with them. Their complaint is stated something like this…
Oh sure, she has sex with me, but she just doesn’t seem that into it.
Oh sure, she has orgasms, but she just doesn’t seem to be that into it.
Oh sure, she does initiate sex once in a while, but she’s just doing that to please me I think, it’s not like she’s really into it.
Oh sure, she does give me handjobs and blowjobs, but she just doesn’t seem that into it.
See how that works?
You can even be giving a guy a lot of sex, and varied sex to boot, and he can still have this sense that you aren’t into him… which hurts his feelings. He’ll still have the sex of course, it will just feel a little hollow to him. Note that you can even be really into him, and he won’t pick up on it fully.
The problem is usually very simple… you aren’t telegraphing to him in a language he understands that you’re into him when you’re in the act of having sex.
The solution is also just as simple… hold him tight when you’re having sex. When you hold him firmly against you, that means in the language of touch that you really want him there.
If you’re in the missionary position and have your arms by your sides, or lightly on his back/arms, it’s a weak display of interest. But if you firmly grip his ass and pull him into you in time with his thrusts, that’s a whole different message. Or if you wrap your arms around his back and hold him tightly, it means he isn’t going to be able to get up off you without a struggle, which means you’re communicating you really want him there.
All that pulling him hard against you is going to make him work a little harder as well. Don’t worry that you’re going to collapse him against you like a ton of bricks, he’s strong enough to handle it. All that will happen is that you’ll make him work with extra muscle tension in his body and that is a key to orgasm in both sexes.
So hold him tight against you when you’re having sex together. It’s so simple and easy to do.
(Bonus Move: Say “fuck me harder” 10-15 seconds before he comes. Spank him a little…)
Reader Question: Hi Athol, What do you think is the story behind the media’s obsession with the Brad Pitt/Aniston/Angelina Jolie “love triangle”? I mean, the split between Pitt and Aniston happened six or seven years ago, didn’t it? And many other celebrity couples have split or cheated on each other, etc. Why the peculiar fascination with this triad?
Here are my best guesses:
(1) Angelina Jolie’s sex rank was (and is?) much higher than Aniston’s, but Aniston was beloved by many women from being on Friends. So a lot of women identified with seeing Aniston get dumped for a prettier woman–which is a deep insecurity/fear for a lot of women.
(2) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are a “super-couple” looks-wise. It’s easy to forget it today, but when they were in their 20s they were both gorgeous and highly desirable. So the fascination with them and their kids springs partly from that, but it’s conflicted (see #1).
(3) Brad may be good-looking, but he does sometimes come across as a bit of a beta, at least in relationships. So maybe this is a sort of surrogate for an experience that most women will never have: competing over a good-looking, wealthy beta and standing a chance?
I don’t really know, but I saw one of those tabloids in the grocery store today and it made me wonder. That’s all.
Athol: On one hand, seriously who gives a crap about tabloid nonsense. Jennifer (as in my Jennifer) and I had a minor brush with them a few months back, and I can assure you that all that matters to them is story fodder to draw more eyes and get to sell more advertising. On the other hand, this does make an interesting puzzle to play, and I’m up for the challenge.
Firstly, let’s just call both Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie a 10 in their prime and be done with it. Far too many guys have this crazy need to act like Mrs Battleaxe grading term papers and never giving anything better than a B+ because “there’s always room for improvement”. They are both rich and hot, and in their prime, definitely 10s. So that angle to me is a wash.
But that being said, they do have some critical differences that swing the scales to Angelina, that make Brad’s choice the logical one.
Jennifer Aniston comes off as a “good girl” and possibly in need of fresh sheets on the bed to be able to come to orgasm. Well okay, maybe that’s a bit much, I was saving that line for a Martha Stewart joke and got tired of waiting. Anyway… Angelina Jolie comes off as a fair bit slutty and into having sex. When she was married to Billy Bob Thornton she used to have a vial of his blood in a necklace – I think once bodily fluids become jewelry for a chick, anal is actively ruled in. Plus the tattoos are a fairly good sign of brazen sexuality too. Jennifer Aniston did get that whole cult following of women getting their hair cut in “The Rachel”, but guys didn’t give a toss about it. Angelina Jolie was Lara Croft for crying out loud, so guys care about that seeing polygon count was involved.
So while I have no hard proof, my hunch is Angelina is the better one in the sack. But that in and of itself probably isn’t enough to make a guy jump ship from Jennifer to Angelina. Hit it on the side once in a while sure, but not divorce the good girl.
Once you start looking at their ages though, it gets more interesting… the switch went down in 2005…
Bratt Pitt (1963), age now is 47 and age in 2005 was 41.
Jennifer Aniston (1969), age now is 42 and age in 2005 was 36.
Angelina Jolie (1975), age now is 35 and in 2005 was 29.
The difference between a 36 year old woman and a 29 year old woman is huge in terms of fertility… and thus sexiness. Remember the rule that “what is sexy is what is good for making and raising babies”. Once a woman is 36 she is really starting to get into the realm of having a hard time getting pregnant and increasing her risks for birth defects. A 29 year old is going to have a much easier time of it.
Also there have been rumors yada yada yada that Jennifer lost not one, but two of Brad’s babies in 2003 and 2004. So if that is true, it’s very definitely a non-hopeful thing to succeed on a third attempt. She may just have not wanted kids, but the general scuttlebutt is that she is infertile and no matter how you slice it, she’s now 42 and childless.
Angelina on the other hand was already adopting children and showing heavy duty interest in kids before she started with Brad in 2005. If he wanted children, that would have been a potentially quite positive pull on him. Since then they have had three biological children together and have three adopted children. So on the children front, Angelina owns Jennifer completely.
So there you have it, Angelina just comes off as the better choice every which way, kinky in bed, younger and more fertile. If women in the general public were unhappy with Jennifer Aniston getting dumped by Brad, it’s kind of understandable in that Jennifer Aniston comes across as the good girl, and in this case there were no rewards for being good. So it does seem unfair. Especially unfair if the issue was infertility and miscarriages that were the real wedge between them.
But Sex Rank and Body Agenda have little concern for what is fair. As far as Body Agenda is concerned, Brad Pitt did exactly the right thing in switching to Angelina Jolie. Three biological children for the win. Game, Set, Match.
And yeah… Brad Pitt does seem to be dragged all over creation on Angelina Jolie’s leash doesn’t he, so he does seem awfully Beta and heading for a bad ending. But then again, the tabloids aren’t likely to have a fair shake for the man seeing they are purchased primarily by women. When Inside Edition interviewed us back in May, I had about twenty questions and answers about Alpha and Beta, and (my)Jennifer had about four of them. The final cut had her answering four questions and me a single one… and a Beta one at that.
See how that works?
I’ve been sent this link by half a dozen people, so I’m raising the white flag and posting it lol. Fatherhood Leads to Drop in Testosterone
Some selected bits…
Testosterone that most male of hormones, takes a dive after a man becomes a parent. And the more he gets involved in caring for his children — changing diapers, jiggling the boy or girl on his knee, reading “Goodnight Moon” for the umpteenth time — the lower his testosterone drops.
Scientists say this suggests a biological trade-off, with high testosterone helping secure a mate, but reduced testosterone better for sustaining family life.
The lowering of their testosterone did not prevent the men in the study from having more children. “You don’t need a lot of testosterone to have libido,” Dr. Kuzawa said.
“If guys are worried about basically, ‘Am I going to remain a guy?’ ” Dr. Worthman said, “we’re not talking about changes that are going to take testosterone outside the range of having hairy chests, deep voices and big muscles and sperm counts. These are more subtle effects.”
Testosterone does a boat-load of different things for males, so a drop in testosterone doesn’t automatically mean your penis suddenly turns into a vagina. It can simply cut back on a few areas that testosterone was used for.
There’s also a step down in testosterone after getting married as well. So marriage and then fatherhood is two steps down in testosterone.
My hunch is that a lot of the risk-taking and aggression elements in men reduce on getting married and then becoming fathers. Essentially risky behavior is aimed at finding and winning a mate, and then once you have a mate, you body plays a more conservative strategy and calms you down and makes you more responsible. It’s one thing to do some exciting dangerous crap to make the girls squeal and pay attention to you. It’s another thing to do that when you have pussy waiting at home.
However I would tag testosterone as far more associated with the Alpha Traits than the Beta Traits. So a drop in testosterone can indeed lead to an unconscious drop in Alpha behavior. Then once you add kids into the mix, you tend to need to play more of a comfort role and thus you natural attend to the Beta Traits. Along the way that Alpha drop and Beta gain turns into full fledged Betaization.
The solution is to be conscious of what is happening. You don’t need to have an overload of testosterone to consciously pay attention to doing some Alpha stuff. If you find yourself hooked on watching the Knitting Channel, maybe it’s time to break it up a little and find a channel with monster trucks, naked tits and needlessly large explosions with minimal plot development.
By all means do the Beta Traits, you have to if she is going to be comfortable with being in a relationship with you. Just pay conscious attention to having some male interests and not folding up and bowing to her every whim.
However if you do have very low testosterone, read over Hypogonadism and see if that’s you. If so, off to the doctor, you can’t game a medical condition away.
Athol – I am curious. Is there no line where the husband’s hopes become unrealistic? For example, is it fair for him to be working up to 7 x per week, thinking that if she doesn’t get there with him he is justified in putting on the heat (implying divorce)?
Only the captain decides? Is 14 x per week asking too much? : )
The issue is usually that the husband is missing a certain sexual element they want, and believe simply getting more sex will meet that need. Somehow.
The husband that wants her to initiate for example will never be truly happy with simply more sex that he has to start. Even if it’s a lot more sex. He can get sex every day and twice on Sunday and still feel sexually unhappy.
It’s essentially the Vitamin D vs Vitamin S thing I mentioned in a post earlier in the week. Or sometimes it’s something a little kinky and unusual… Vitamin K! For example I do enjoy prostate stimulation, but not all that often, maybe eight times a year. Once I get it, I don’t tend to focus on it or think about it much at all. But if Jennifer was never up for doing it, I’d start craving it and getting frustrated by not getting it.
I think a large part of the problem is that most men don’t even have the language to explain what they want sexually beyond “I want her to initiate” and then they usually constantly ask her for sex so she never even gets a chance to initiate. Once they realize what they actually want is not her so much to initiate, but to be active during sex and dominant, it becomes a little easier to express and get something you want.
A very simple way of making her be active during sex is for you to be tied up during sex. This can be as complex as you want with handcuffs, ropes and suddenly realizing that the collars that are sold in the adult store are in fact cheaper and more comfortable from the pet store. Or it can be as simple as lying on your back and “not being allowed” to let go of a scarf threaded through the lattice in the headboard. Once you are tied, you are “forced” into a passive role, which then “forces” her into an active one. She can tease and toy with you and get to set the pace she wants. Just try it together.
The other easy move is to be blindfolded. Once again this forces you into being passive, and therefore her into being active. But you can still initiate wearing the blindfold, or being tied up for a night, and yet getting the sense of her being active anyway.
For most men the starting point is getting a baseline 2-3 times a week of Vitamin D to keep her vagina topped up with his sperm before they can relax and feel like a rational human being. But like I said earlier, if what you then want is Vitamin S or Vitamin K, getting a dozen more servings of Vitamin D isn’t going to make you feel sexually fulfilled.
Relationship patterns tend to come in sets of linked behaviors. Jumping between sets takes great effort and a period where things can appear to be getting worse before they get better. You tend to need to complete the whole set to get the set bonus.
Lower Sex Rank + Oneitis +
Stable Relationship + Low Alpha + High Beta + Low Physical Fitness +
“Equal” Marriage + Nice Guy Dealing With Fitness Tests = Poor Sex
Exploration, Growth and Instability
Higher Sex Rank + Sexy Moves +
Stable Relationship + Balanced Alpha and Beta + Good Physical Fitness +
Stable Relationship + Balanced Alpha and Beta + Good Physical Fitness +
Captain and First Officer + Nice Guy With An Edge = Great Sex
You may need to do it alone for a while, but if you can recruit your wife into understanding and consciously taking part in the period of exploration, growth and instability, it will all go much smoother and faster.
It’s okay if trying this stuff feels weird at first. Just stick with it.
Most wives crave the sort of husband I describe, even if they aren’t properly conscious of it at first.
I’ve had a lot of email recently around the issue of…
“I’ve read MMSL and put it into practice and everything is a lot better. We are getting on great and we are having more sex than before, but it’s still not enough and she doesn’t seem to be wildly turned on by me or initiating sex yet. I’m in the best shape of my life, and other women are paying attention to me. I don’t want to ruin what I have, but it’s not enough. What do I do?”
The short answer is women respond positively to a dominant male sexual approach, so you start actively doing that to get the sexual response you want.
The long answer is you’ve maxed out your Sex Rank and have reached a holding pattern in Phase Three. So it’s good, but not great. She hasn’t had that moment of catharsis where she suddenly realizes what she has and starts cascading back into feeling in love with you. You haven’t quite given her that moment where she panics and thinks she might lose you if she doesn’t up her game. You haven’t quite pushed that the balance of power in the relationship has switched from her to you.
At some point you have to get into Phase Four and give her the fair warning and say what it is you want. In short, you have “The Talk”. You say what you want, and offer a solution to have it happen. Quite possibly you’ve already had the talk and said what you want, but softened it too much with a weak presentation. If you say you are unhappy because of the sexual lack, but sound completely calm and accommodating when you say it, it won’t be viewed as a serious concern.
You have to put some emotion behind it.
You have to sound emotionally torn between “I want you” and “I need this”. Your needs are greater than your wants, but your want is for her to meet your need. When you married her, it was because she wanted to meet your need, and you wanted to meet her needs. You have been meeting her needs, but she’s stopped wanting to meet yours. You can’t make her want you… so you are at a painful impasse.
You’re both crazy for her, and rational about her.
The risk is that she might not go for it and realize what she has and become more attentive to you. She might just withdraw from you. So in a sense, pushing to Phase Four is a game of double or nothing. If life in Phase Three was just the best it’s been in a long time, risking Phase Four isn’t going to be quite so appealing.
The good news is that if you’ve really done the work of The MAP through Phase One, Two and Three, you’re very likely going to be taken seriously by her. A male 8 doing the emotionally charged talk to a female 7 that he’s unhappy in the relationship and wants some specific and doable changes to get her up to an 8, will get her full attention and likely compliance. A male 6 telling a female 7 the same set of requests will get a look of annoyance at best and dumped at worst. “You want me to step up to an 8 for your crappy 6 self? Go fuck yourself!”
But let’s be honest. Pushing to Phase Four can be scary as hell. The better your Sex Rank, the better your odds…
(start at 1:20)
…but they are only increased odds.
Betaized nice guy husband, no major negative incident by either husband or wife, but she’s fallen out of love with him and realizes her discontent. She gives him a fair warning and tells him to buy the book and he does so. The question being, “How long does it take for him to change?”
he’s probably got this huge mental shift that needs to happen. I simply don’t think the average woman understands how brainwashed “good/nice guys” are to be that way. It’s going to take him several months to really start believing it. Likely 1-2 years to really get into it fully. If you want a timeline, it took me about five years to do my self-education to the point I am at now. Your husband gets the benefit of all my knowledge to date wrapped up in a handy dandy book, so for him it should go much faster than I took.
For you… the problem for you now is that up until you discovered MMSL, your discontent was simply a discontent. But now you have language to describe it, which can intensify the sense of unhappiness you have. Plus now when he isn’t being the perfect Alpha, you can be disgusted by that more because you can recognize it. You can end up Fitness Testing him on his knowledge and application of MMSL. Just something to be aware of.
Seeing you just lowered the boom on him, he’s extremely anxious right now. When people get anxious, they tend to intensify their coping pattern. So if he’s low-Alpha and high-Beta as a pattern, he’s likely to head to zero-Alpha and total-Beta in the short term.
So breathe, let him digest, give him some time to try things out. It will be a little forced at first, but in time it can all come together.
(P.S. Your fair warning and not just walking or cheating on him are a true gift. You guys should be fine, write me anytime.)