Sexy Move: Be Sexually Submissive

One of the difficult things to understand about monogamy is that even when things are going well, both in terms of amount of sex and your general getting along with each other, you can have a niggling feeling that you aren’t actually sexually happy. You just have a craving for sex and even when you have sex, you just end up with a stronger sense of sexual discontent.
This experience is extremely disturbing. I’ve had it several times with Jennifer and it really made little sense for the longest time. I’d look at her, still find her very attractive, we’d be having sex every day, she was being a great wife and everything… but I’d be twisting up inside feeling like I was very sexually unhappy. Why was I getting it all, but feeling discontent? Why was Jennifer the best wife possible for me, but I wanted to check out on her?
The “obvious” solution is having sex with someone else…
…right?
Well let me tell you a story to answer that.
I was being an instigating brat via text to Jennifer one weekend, I have no idea what it was all about, but as a response Jennifer said that she was going to punish me.
ORLY?
*boink*
We played back and forth for a few more times and once she was home we kissed and I made mention of my impending promised punishment later that night. She laughed an evil little laugh.
Climbing into bed that night I was already ramped up and rock hard. Jennifer climbed into bed with me and… absolutely nothing happened. I waited for whatever the sexy punishment was going to be to start, Jennifer just lay there. And I waited a little more. And a little longer. And… WTF Jennifer.
I’d like like to say that I had some sort of magical game move that just turned everything around and we had a really great night, but I didn’t. Instead I just got increasingly angry having been promised something sexual and for no clear reason not gotten it. I get angry with Jennifer very very infrequently and she is soft hearted that I don’t/can’t yell at her for fear of seriously hurting her feelings / saying something I can’t take back. So I go silent. When I go silent on her, she tends to become paralyzed as she knows she did something to piss me off… but I’m not talking, so she has no idea what she did.
Eventually I exhaled and just started up the sex. I got her off easily enough and we had a very intense missionary pounding. I’m still kinda pissed off that I have to make all this happen. Again.
The realization I had in the aftermath of that night was fairly simple; I want to be dominated sexually. I’m guessing 98% of my readers just fell off their chairs. Surprise! Jennifer was stunned when I told her too, just stunned.
Now before everyone worries that I’m changing trains and renaming the blog “Collared at Her Feet” or similar, just relax, I’ve already talked about this before in passing. I am about 85% dominant, 15% submissive. Jennifer is about 5% dominant and 95% submissive. I don’t think anyone is 100% dominant or submissive, we all have a bit of each.
So if we get locked in a pattern of me leading sexually all the time, Jennifer loves it, and I certainly like it, but I tend to have to order Jennifer to do things to me that have an element of domination… which kinda reduces the fun for me. It’s still good, just not great.
So back to the night in question… Jennifer had essentially promised to actively dominate me that night, so my sexually submissive 15% went just crazy with excitement. Once we went to bed though, Jennifer just defaulted to her being submissive and waiting for me to take the lead. Eventually I did, (I’m not passing up pussy lol!) but my submissive 15% was severely pissed off.
So now we’ve done a lot more things where Jennifer takes the lead in the bedroom. To be honest, I usually have to tell Jennifer exactly what I want her to do to me. I’ve just become more at peace that when she is acting dominant toward me, that it’s really her trying to please me and therefore… being submissive to me.
I particularly like facesitting, it’s a wild turn on and I find it deeply relaxing at the same time. Being tied or blindfolded once in a while too is fun as it forces Jennifer to take the lead and be the active partner.
If it helps, think of your need for submission as “Vitamin S” and your need for dominance as “Vitamin D”. No matter how much Vitamin D you get, if you never get Vitamin S in your diet, you will develop a major craving for it. Now if you try the “obvious” solution of having sex with a different woman, if you end up just getting another supply of Vitamin D when you really want Vitamin S, you won’t enjoy it as much as you think you might.
I’m sure that someone is going to say that I’m giving away a ton of Alpha cred by acting submissively in bed with Jennifer. But considering I’m getting the sex I want, from the woman I want, when I want it, I’m fairly sure it’s all good. Plus once I get some Vitamin S, I do so much more take a firm enjoyment of getting my Vitamin D needs met which Jennifer has no complaints about.
It’s all the Captain and First Officer thing still as well. First Officer can and should have the bridge once in a while.

Loss of FaceBook

Once the state of the marriage being not so good is announced on Facebook, it’s usually just a recruiting attempt for moral support to start pulling the trigger on the other spouse. This is a large Fitness Test.
If the relationship status gets changed to “It’s Complicated”, it’s not complicated at all. It’s usually a recruiting attempt for a new sex partner or announcement of the existence of one. Huge huge Fitness Test.
If they suddenly punt all your friends and you from being Facebook friends and throw down the “blocked” smackdown… the clock is ticking on something very very bad for you.
If they announce their new lover on Facebook and post pics of them together, it’s a scorched earth approach to ensure that you can never have a relationship with them again, without you suffering a total loss of face. This isn’t a Fitness Test, this is pure unbridled seething contempt. It’s intended to destroy you.
So once you see any of this early stuff happening, you need to act very quickly and firmly to stop it in it’s tracks. I’d suggest a very blunt and immediate reply of, “We can do this in counseling, or we can do this in court, but we will not be doing this on Facebook.”
 

Put Your Own Oxygen Mask On First

Several people have been concerned in the comments of yesterdays post that if the husband leaves a marriage because the wife is Batshit Crazy, that leaves the children all alone with a Batshit Crazy mother. The thought being that the family courts are slanted toward women and against the rights of fathers. The feeling is that you have to stay in the marriage to defend the children against their mother.
These are horrible decisions to make, and to leave your children with someone you consider dangerous is going to seem badly wrong on both an intellectual and emotional level. You are absolutely not wired to abandon your children to danger.
And make no mistake, men are hardwired to be White Knights for their loved ones. If you were say faced with a lion starting to size up munching on your kids, you would very likely perform as nature intends and purposely fight a battle with the lion that you know from the get go you will lose. But from your sacrifice, your family is bought enough time to flee to safety.
Unfortunately when you are dealing with a Batshit Crazy woman armed with a Batshit Crazy family court, the person that is by far in the greatest danger is you. You can stand your ground and fight the good fight, but it can only take a Batshit Crazy wife a handful of lying phone calls to the authorities to have you mired into legal difficulties. Or even jailed. Then your sacrifice can be all for naught as your children remain with the Batshit Crazy and you won’t get to see them anyway.
All divorce is an awful experience, but you can have a properly managed legally advised divorce, or a chaotic ass-reaming by the system divorce. As emotionally wrong as it may seem, your best first move maybe moving out and filing. (Note that you usually should NOT move out and give up the house, but if she’s really dangerous to you, you may have to leave.)  Before she starts calling the police on you, or trying to hit you with a hammer, you need to be hooked up with a good lawyer to advise you.
In short, if you are mired in trying to defend yourself or even worse jailed, there’s not much you can do for your children anymore. So like they say on the plane, put your own oxygen mask on first, then help your kids get theirs on.
Batshit Crazy women left unsupervised with children, always screw up somehow. Which is why your next move should be getting all the children smart phones to “stay in contact with them”. Of course the real reason is the built in video camera and the ability for the kids to upload mommy belting their brother to youtube.

Choosing Between Sin Or Misery

TrophyWife: I’m curious: Is this the type of marriage in which an affair is permissible/appropriate? If you’re living in a loveless, miserable marriage in which you stay because of your children, shouldn’t you at least find a few moments of adult happiness/joy with someone, even if that someone is a partner outside of your marriage?
Athol: If you’re asking this as a moral question, I’m not really the right person to ask. I don’t start from a moral position and try and determine what advice to give on that basis. I simply try and determine what is effective in getting the results you want and advise how to do that. There are frequent overlaps between traditional morality and what I advise, but that’s as far as it goes. I typically advise for the self-interest of my reader as a priority – just with the understanding that with sexual relationships you need a win-win scenario to maintain the relationship for longer than the short term.
So if the goal is simply to deaden the pain of a miserable marriage and tolerate it better, then yeah sure have an affair. There’s a lot of easy distraction to be had with sex on the side and an intense emotional connection to an outside person. You can also try being an alcoholic, a prescription drug abuser, a crackhead or Twilight fan to have the same effect. Just about anything fun done to excess can fill the void nicely. World of Warcraft or gardening give you an endless list of things to do for example.
But if the goal is to have a happy marriage, then having some sort of major sideline drama isn’t going to help you proceed toward your goal. In fact it’s going to curtail progression a great deal. Many psychologists and therapists take the “enlightened and modern” view that an affair can help stabilize a marriage and allow it to continue. I agree that can happen, I just think that the relationship that has been stabilized is typically a bad one. I think it’s better to ultimately push your marriage toward being a good relationship or end it, rather than suffer on into the future.
Which obviously comes to the question of…
“So what if you can’t leave the marriage? I have [reason X] that I simply can’t leave.”
You always have a choice. You may not like the options available, but you always have other options to choose. You just don’t want to leave the marriage because “X” is more important to you than what you would gain by leaving the marriage.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m advising divorce here, but the practical reality is that if you aren’t willing to hold yourself to standards of good treatment, you simply run the risk of being taken advantage of on a permanent basis. I love Jennifer deeply, but there are things she could do that would make me end things between us. She knows that I would not tolerate our marriage going bad for very long, so she pays attention to making it a good marriage. The opposite also holds true as well and I hold up my end of the bargain.
Importantly, those standards we hold each other to aren’t trivial things, they are simply the core agreements of being married to each other – we will hold a job, we won’t sleep with other people, we’ll have regular sex, we’ll be good to the kids and each other, we won’t lie to each other, we’ll keep the house generally clean, we’ll stay as healthy as we can. Beyond those basics, neither Jennifer or I really care too much what the other does as long as it’s legal.
Most of my readers who write me, have gotten themselves into a world of misery by trying too hard to be moral and removing divorce as an option completely. In these cases, their morality plays a major part in being the cause of their misery. Or put more plainly, if you find yourself married to a person that is an utterly horrible spouse, and your God commands that divorce is a terrible sin, the righteous decision is to stay and remain miserable. Personally I think being forced to choose between between sin or misery is cruel.
Adding insult to injury, is that very frequently the advice given to those faced between choosing sin or misery, is that they should pray harder for a change in their spouse, and find a way to be thankful for the situation in order to grow from it. Their belief is thus posed to them as not the cause of their situation, but as the solution for their dilemma. This works about as well as giving a kid choking on a hotdog a second hotdog.
Which leads us obviously to the question of “What about the children?”
My feeling is that someone who is a terrible spouse, is very frequently a terrible parent.
An alcoholic husband, is an alcoholic father.
A Batshit Crazy wife, is a Batshit Crazy mother.
A chronically unemployed husband, is a chronically unemployed father.
An absent cheating wife, is an absent neglecting mother.
A criminally involved husband, is a criminally involved father.
A slovenly hoarding wife, is a slovenly hoarding mother.
And I’m sure you get the idea….
So yeah… what about the children? Shouldn’t you be doing something?
 

It’s Hard To Drag Someone Through Life

The purpose of marriage is not to save someone, but to have a functional, productive and happy life.
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post Husband Won’t Look For Work: Likes Sex, Sandwiches…
Wow, and double wow.
This is such a sad story and one I know all too well. I lived it. When my son was almost two and my daughter 4 my x walked out on me taking all but $.15 out of our joint accounts. Very painful. The attorney I talked to said I was screwed. I couldn’t expect child support as my x was unemployed. In fact since I had been supporting him for a while I would more than likely end up paying him spousal support. Of course I took him back. Financially I couldn’t afford not to.
A few years later he left again. Again I took him back, about a week after that he enlightened me as to how much he loved his first wife more than me and ten years of marriage meant nothing to him. He also brought back my 9 year old child in tears during his short sojourn who rushed to her room in tears to break open her piggy bank because as he told her he couldn’t afford to buy a quart of milk. At that time he was employed and did hold that job for 15 years.
I held my marriage together for 27 years until my children were grown. I told my x that once our children no longer lived at home if he ever walked out again that the door would be shut. At the end of my marriage I felt horribly used and abused. Did we have sex? Yes we had sex, but we did not make love. Love is not an emotion that I think my x is capable of. A man should show he cares by providing for his family. Even when he played Mr. Mom so to speak he did not do all the housely chores. He didn’t cook, or do dishes basically he sat around the house watching TV and complaining that he didn’t have the money to do things.
You learn to tune it out but it doesn’t create an atmosphere of love. I was never over weight at 56 I weigh the same as I did at 20. My husband always found fault in me , I didn’t wipe the ketchup bottle off before I put it in the refrigerator… little things everything. It is just the way they operate to shift the blame on to you.
Anyways you are doing far too much, making way more excuses for him than you should and trying to give a man who doesn’t want direction, direction.
To make a long story short, I lost sexual desire for the man long ago, even though I still had sex with him. Why? because everything in life that was special to me was wrapped up with my marriage. Would I loose the house I built next to my daughter and her husband? Would I be able to find another place to live , where I could keep all my horses and dogs, cats… goats etc? I operated on auto pilot. He had told me that if he left he would leave me the house, because before we got married I owned my own house….
He has worked only off and on in the last four years. He has moved from family member to family member and has used up his welcome. He is now living with our son and his wife and after quitting two jobs he is working for minimum wage at the local thrifty store. This has been horrible on his children, grown adults that they are. If he had gone through this stage while the kids were in middle or high school it would have had drastic effects on the children.
Either resign yourself to a marriage in which you live for your children and their well being, or get out. If he is a man you do not have to drag him through life, he will willingly embrace it and shoulder the responsibilities. If he is less than a man he will put the blame on you, or society and be a miserable life partner. No one knows what could have been, only what is. Life is full of should of would of’s, but in the end you are dealt your own hand and you can play the game only once.
Good luck no matter what path you take we all need a little luck.
As an update, Paulette from the original post has had more downs than ups since that post was written. She’s moved into Phase Five when I last heard from her several weeks back.
 

Do French Judges Get To Drink At Work?

I’ve been forwarded this story by about a dozen people…
“A French man was ordered by a judge to pay his ex-wife nearly $12,000 in damages for not  having enough sex with her during their marriage, the U.K. Telegraph reported Monday.
The man, identified only as “Jean-Louis B.” in press accounts, was fined under article 215 of France’s civil code, which orders married couples to agree to a “shared communal life,” according to the newspaper. A judge reportedly ruled that the code implies that “sexual relations must form part of a marriage.”
The 47-year-old woman in the case filed for divorce two years ago, claiming that lack of sex with her 51-year-old husband was to blame for the split, the newspaper reports. After a judge granted the couple a divorce, the woman took her ex-husband back to court and demanded compensation for “lack of sex over 21 years of marriage.”
A judge in southern France ruled in the woman’s favor, according to the newspaper, saying, “A sexual relationship between husband and wife is the expression of affection they have for each other, and in this case it was absent … By getting married, couples agree to sharing their life and this clearly implies they will have sex with each other.”
My thoughts…
I think Remi Gaillard snuck into a court room and pulled off another stunt…

Oh and the title of post is a semi-serious question. I mean riot police in France could drink on the job…

Taking The Weekend Off

All is well, just taking the weekend off writing and email reponse. Work has been a frenzy for several weeks and have little mental energy left. Jennifer worn out from summer too and the kids are finally back to school.

I’ll get to everything on Monday night.

Hook, Line and Sink Into Her

Women want to be actively gamed and seduced…
…but…
…women want to believe game isn’t needed to seduce them.
So you hook them, reel them in, then tell them there isn’t actually a hook – just love.
The hook is still there of course, you just feed their hamster a line to help them believe that there isn’t one.
Most Last Minute Resistance is essentially some sort of questioning to assure herself that you are in fact into her. It also really helps to sell that you are into her, if you are in fact a little crazy about her.