Put Your Own Oxygen Mask On First

Several people have been concerned in the comments of yesterdays post that if the husband leaves a marriage because the wife is Batshit Crazy, that leaves the children all alone with a Batshit Crazy mother. The thought being that the family courts are slanted toward women and against the rights of fathers. The feeling is that you have to stay in the marriage to defend the children against their mother.
These are horrible decisions to make, and to leave your children with someone you consider dangerous is going to seem badly wrong on both an intellectual and emotional level. You are absolutely not wired to abandon your children to danger.
And make no mistake, men are hardwired to be White Knights for their loved ones. If you were say faced with a lion starting to size up munching on your kids, you would very likely perform as nature intends and purposely fight a battle with the lion that you know from the get go you will lose. But from your sacrifice, your family is bought enough time to flee to safety.
Unfortunately when you are dealing with a Batshit Crazy woman armed with a Batshit Crazy family court, the person that is by far in the greatest danger is you. You can stand your ground and fight the good fight, but it can only take a Batshit Crazy wife a handful of lying phone calls to the authorities to have you mired into legal difficulties. Or even jailed. Then your sacrifice can be all for naught as your children remain with the Batshit Crazy and you won’t get to see them anyway.
All divorce is an awful experience, but you can have a properly managed legally advised divorce, or a chaotic ass-reaming by the system divorce. As emotionally wrong as it may seem, your best first move maybe moving out and filing. (Note that you usually should NOT move out and give up the house, but if she’s really dangerous to you, you may have to leave.)  Before she starts calling the police on you, or trying to hit you with a hammer, you need to be hooked up with a good lawyer to advise you.
In short, if you are mired in trying to defend yourself or even worse jailed, there’s not much you can do for your children anymore. So like they say on the plane, put your own oxygen mask on first, then help your kids get theirs on.
Batshit Crazy women left unsupervised with children, always screw up somehow. Which is why your next move should be getting all the children smart phones to “stay in contact with them”. Of course the real reason is the built in video camera and the ability for the kids to upload mommy belting their brother to youtube.

Comments

  1. But what about a less extreme case? She's not batshit crazy and she is generally good with the kids. But the marriage is miserable and if you divorce, you will have limited contact with your children and all the issues that come with that.

  2. Anon@1:38am – I am in that situation right now. We did marriage counseling for a few months and I was doing the MAP thing and with those together I was able to realize that the worsening problems in our marriage were 90% her issues, not mine, and there was really nothing I could do about it. (Things had been getting worse for a couple years and she was heading for the other side of semi-batshit-crazy at a rapid rate.) So after a few warnings things came to a head yet again and I simply walked out.
    Then, (and this is key), I told her and our counselor that the only way in hell I would even consider discussing reconciliation and working on the relationship would be if she and I both got counseling separately first. I also told them the only reason I hadn't filed for divorce yet was because we had kids and for their sake I didn't want to slam the door on even the smallest chance that things could be fixed, but that even at that I was only giving it six months before I would make a decision of some sort, (leaving it purposely ambiguous since I really didn't know how I'd feel by then).
    Things started out worse, she ranted about me giving up too soon on the counseling, abandoning the family, etc etc (I actually still had care of the kids half time due to her work schedule so it's not like I left her completely in the lurch). Then that quieted down, she found a good therapist, she started accepting responsibility for her part of the problems, wrote me several long apologetic letters and basically "womaned up" to everything that needed to be done.
    However, I pretty much ignored it all as it mostly consisted of things she'd said before one way or another only to backslide in a few weeks.
    Instead I continued MAP, started reconnecting with old girlfriends, picking up on strangers, flirting (gently) with her own friends, ignoring most of her attempts at communication, and generally behaving as if the relationship was over, which it really was for me at that point.
    However, I did not actually sleep with anybody else and to balance all the Alpha I did keep some Beta going, (childcare, fixing stuff around the house etc), but never in a way that even acknowledged her existence except to ask her permission to enter the house, (I had an alarm system installed for her right after I moved out).
    This all did a number of things for her. It let her see that being a single mom is Hard Work. That I was handling being a single dad with no problem. That the kids were not going to "bring us back together", (they adjusted to the new state of things very quickly and made it clear they liked us better not fighting!) And, last but not least, that I was shaping up to be a very eligible bachelor with attractive women ready and waiting.
    And that all made her really buckle down and start doing the heavy lifting with her therapist.
    I'll admit that the jury's still out at the time of this writing, but so far we've just started dating again, she's starting to (unconsciously?) improve her own sex rank and we're having decent sex almost as often as we did back when we were young and single and fucked like bunnies, (limited now only by some scheduling issues from being separated).
    And yes, that could all be driven by subconscious terror of being a 40-year old single mother, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and wait and see.
    So overall, I'd highly recommend separation as an intermediate step to divorce.

    YMMV
    IANAL
    HTH
    TTFN

  3. Looking Glass says:

    @ Anon: umm… try dealing with the problems first? Buy Athol's book and put it into action. That's better than just outright ejecting (and most of the point of Athol's work). This post was about Batshit Crazy.

    Repeating what I just posted in the thread this came about from, just as there is a risk of Batshit Crazy getting you tossed in jail, most of those laws that get used are actually gender neutral. Having a good lawyer (and a good grasp of what is admissible evidence) is generally the best course of action. You might end up sending the Batshit Crazy to jail for a night or two, but if you're looking for an exit from a marriage for *safety* reasons, you need to be prepared to protect yourself first. You can't protect the kids from behind bars.

  4. 8 years ago I was living with a bat shit crazy woman. She refused to get counseling or take medication(though we had to spend $8000 at the Mayo clinic to convince her that all her physical ailments were due to severe depression.) She was verbally abusive and ever increasingly physically abusive. She laid on the couch all day while she was supposed to be "home schooling" our 3 children.

    I left out of fear for my life, but the NY courts wouldn't budge in giving me custody despite spending $40k. However, I did get the courts to order the kids to school so that they would get some education.

    Today the oldest is 21 and lives with me – so terrified of his mother that he won't see her. He can't spell and has flunked out of college. My second son wants to leave his mother, but is terrified of her reaction (I think he has Stockholm syndrome.)

    If I had known about this stuff in the 90's maybe I could have prevented much of this. As she got more abusive, I practiced "turning the other cheek" and got more passive and beta to try to diffuse her anger. Also, would have been better to plan and consult an attorney before I left.

    By and large I would agree with all your points here.

  5. But what about a less extreme case? She's not batshit crazy and she is generally good with the kids. But the marriage is miserable and if you divorce, you will have limited contact with your children and all the issues that come with that.

    Is the problem you? Why is the marriage miserable?

  6. This is Anon@1:38.

    Some to a lot of the problem is me and I am working to improve it.  I've bought your book and am working on the MAP. As to why the marriage is miserable, there are a few reasons, including an affair on her part and an apparent inability to communicate without pissing the other off.  Right now, she doesn't seem interested in improving the marriage.  I am hoping that following the MAP will change that.  But the fear of losing my kids is a major factor.  

  7. "…But the fear of losing my kids is a major factor…"

    A lot of people will tell you THIS is the problem – if you're a 'true' alpha man, getting what you want is more important than your children. Me, I'm not so sure.

  8. @Anon/anon
    "…But the fear of losing my kids is a major factor…"

    "…if you're a 'true' alpha man, getting what you want is more important than your children."

    Perhaps this could be re-framed as, "If you're a true Alpha male you will man up to the possibility of losing your kids as a result of dealing with your relationship issues."

  9. It doesn't matter whether you put it like this

    "…if you're a 'true' alpha man, getting what you want is more important than your children."

    or if you put it like this

    "If you're a true Alpha male you will man up to the possibility of losing your kids as a result of dealing with your relationship issues." ,

    one day you are going to have to tell your children your sex life was more important than them. Good luck with that.

  10. Looking Glass says:

    No, you'll have to tell them your dignity was important and that no one can forcibly change another. You both made choices and their mother's was to destroy the relationship. Because of the laws, they had to pay the major price for their mother's choice. There was little you could do about that aspect, and the children would pay the price for their parent's relationship, whether they stayed together or not.

  11. So no matter if it's your sex life or your "dignity", you tell the children that it was more important than they were, and it was all their mother's fault anyway.

    Really, really alpha. Not.

  12. What I will tell my children, should they choose to ask, is that it was far more important for me to provide a good example for them (by leaving), than to stick around and teach my daughter how to be an abuser and my son how to be abused.

    But I do get to see my children, and you as a father do have rights in the family court too. You just have to exercise them. Or in most cases threaten to exercise them. A strongly-worded letter from a lawyer costs less than 300 bucks, and can go a long way.

  13. What I will tell my children, should they choose to ask, is that it was far more important for me to provide a good example for them (by leaving), than to stick around and teach my daughter how to be an abuser and my son how to be abused.

    Which is to say that you didn't care what happned to them, but you're now rationalising that everyting that went wrong for them was "for their own good". Sort of like today's equivalent of thrashing the hide off your kids "for their own good".

  14. Anon@2:57 – except that would be completely missing the point. The greater portion of Athol's blog speaks to the fact that the lack of sex is really a symptom of larger issues in the relationship.

  15. So "never leave anyone behind" only works in the Marine Corps, not marriages?

  16. If you leave your child in an abusive situation, then you are the worst possible kind of parent. If the situation is abusive and your children are in danger then take them with you. If you are leaving your children to deal with all of the issues that come from being raised in a broken home because of your sex life then you aren't much of a parent either.

  17. The "so you're going to tell your kids x" argument is red herring. Whether it's daddy leaving because mom's crazy or mom leaving because she found someone who gives her toe-curling orgasms, or both people are just disfunctional and immature. Think of the families of divorce you know. Did any of them "tell the children"? Of course not.

    SW-AL

  18. You said (SW-AL)
    Think of the families of divorce you know. Did any of them "tell the children"? Of course not.

    But when the kids are 16, 18, 20, and they ask you why? You blow smoke in their faces and hope they buy your BS about dignity, and don't see what an immature excuse for a parent you actually were. Maybe THAT will teach them something useful, rather than leaving them behind.

  19. Anon – You completely miss the point. Most states have mandatory arrest laws for domestic violence. A husband can stay for the children, and the wife can simply dispose of him with a single report that she is frightened of him, or that he touched one of the children inappropriately.

    My point is he can't stay for the children if he's subject to automatic arrest on her whim.

  20. And of course, if she is the type to remove him from the home with a false abuse report, she will also most likely do her best to turn the children against him by lying about him to them as well-and it may be well into their early 20s or even later before the children get to hear his side. If they haven't been so thoroughly "brainwashed" by their mother that they don't even both seeking him out.

    I know of a milder example of that-a divorced couple with shared custody of the kids, where the mother progressively sabotaged the father's time with them by scheduling fun things to do with them on the days they were supposed to go with their father. Things like going to amusement parks, carnivals, etc. The father tried this too, but the mother always beat him to the punch.

    Eventually it got to the point where the kids didn't even WANT to see their dad anymore, he was perceived by them as "not as much fun", and dad's relationship with them got reduced to a voice on the phone and a child support check. Then mom and new hubby (who she left the dad for) moved them across the country (in total defiance of the custody order, but the local family court didn't seem to care) and dad couldn't afford to follow because there were no jobs where they moved, mom made sure the kids no longer got any of his phone calls, and that was that. The dad lost all contact with his kids and has given up trying.

    Just an example of how a divorced mother can completely separate the kids from their father and turn them completely against him. Kids forced to choose sides will generally choose their mother, unless she really is a Batshit Crazy psycho bitch, or totally neglectful.

Speak Your Mind

*