Sexy Move: Be Sexually Submissive

One of the difficult things to understand about monogamy is that even when things are going well, both in terms of amount of sex and your general getting along with each other, you can have a niggling feeling that you aren’t actually sexually happy. You just have a craving for sex and even when you have sex, you just end up with a stronger sense of sexual discontent.
This experience is extremely disturbing. I’ve had it several times with Jennifer and it really made little sense for the longest time. I’d look at her, still find her very attractive, we’d be having sex every day, she was being a great wife and everything… but I’d be twisting up inside feeling like I was very sexually unhappy. Why was I getting it all, but feeling discontent? Why was Jennifer the best wife possible for me, but I wanted to check out on her?
The “obvious” solution is having sex with someone else…
…right?
Well let me tell you a story to answer that.
I was being an instigating brat via text to Jennifer one weekend, I have no idea what it was all about, but as a response Jennifer said that she was going to punish me.
ORLY?
*boink*
We played back and forth for a few more times and once she was home we kissed and I made mention of my impending promised punishment later that night. She laughed an evil little laugh.
Climbing into bed that night I was already ramped up and rock hard. Jennifer climbed into bed with me and… absolutely nothing happened. I waited for whatever the sexy punishment was going to be to start, Jennifer just lay there. And I waited a little more. And a little longer. And… WTF Jennifer.
I’d like like to say that I had some sort of magical game move that just turned everything around and we had a really great night, but I didn’t. Instead I just got increasingly angry having been promised something sexual and for no clear reason not gotten it. I get angry with Jennifer very very infrequently and she is soft hearted that I don’t/can’t yell at her for fear of seriously hurting her feelings / saying something I can’t take back. So I go silent. When I go silent on her, she tends to become paralyzed as she knows she did something to piss me off… but I’m not talking, so she has no idea what she did.
Eventually I exhaled and just started up the sex. I got her off easily enough and we had a very intense missionary pounding. I’m still kinda pissed off that I have to make all this happen. Again.
The realization I had in the aftermath of that night was fairly simple; I want to be dominated sexually. I’m guessing 98% of my readers just fell off their chairs. Surprise! Jennifer was stunned when I told her too, just stunned.
Now before everyone worries that I’m changing trains and renaming the blog “Collared at Her Feet” or similar, just relax, I’ve already talked about this before in passing. I am about 85% dominant, 15% submissive. Jennifer is about 5% dominant and 95% submissive. I don’t think anyone is 100% dominant or submissive, we all have a bit of each.
So if we get locked in a pattern of me leading sexually all the time, Jennifer loves it, and I certainly like it, but I tend to have to order Jennifer to do things to me that have an element of domination… which kinda reduces the fun for me. It’s still good, just not great.
So back to the night in question… Jennifer had essentially promised to actively dominate me that night, so my sexually submissive 15% went just crazy with excitement. Once we went to bed though, Jennifer just defaulted to her being submissive and waiting for me to take the lead. Eventually I did, (I’m not passing up pussy lol!) but my submissive 15% was severely pissed off.
So now we’ve done a lot more things where Jennifer takes the lead in the bedroom. To be honest, I usually have to tell Jennifer exactly what I want her to do to me. I’ve just become more at peace that when she is acting dominant toward me, that it’s really her trying to please me and therefore… being submissive to me.
I particularly like facesitting, it’s a wild turn on and I find it deeply relaxing at the same time. Being tied or blindfolded once in a while too is fun as it forces Jennifer to take the lead and be the active partner.
If it helps, think of your need for submission as “Vitamin S” and your need for dominance as “Vitamin D”. No matter how much Vitamin D you get, if you never get Vitamin S in your diet, you will develop a major craving for it. Now if you try the “obvious” solution of having sex with a different woman, if you end up just getting another supply of Vitamin D when you really want Vitamin S, you won’t enjoy it as much as you think you might.
I’m sure that someone is going to say that I’m giving away a ton of Alpha cred by acting submissively in bed with Jennifer. But considering I’m getting the sex I want, from the woman I want, when I want it, I’m fairly sure it’s all good. Plus once I get some Vitamin S, I do so much more take a firm enjoyment of getting my Vitamin D needs met which Jennifer has no complaints about.
It’s all the Captain and First Officer thing still as well. First Officer can and should have the bridge once in a while.

Comments

  1. you've nailed it.

  2. You want to be submissive? Pegging…it's the final frontier!

    (note: my efforts in this regard have come to naught.)

  3. Looking Glass says:

    @ Julia: there's a difference between wanting to have someone else do that work that night… and being rammed in the ass by a foreign object. :)

  4. I'm sorry I don't believe this post could be true at all.

    An American woman…doing work in bed??

    The mind reels.

  5. Thanks for posting this one, Athol! Been reading your blog for awhile now, and it's been quite enlightening!

    But I've had a nagging feeling after reading alot of your posts about dominance and submission – because I've always actually enjoyed being sexually submissive to a woman. If you're 85% – 15%, I'm more 60% – 40%. My girlfriend enjoys it as well, but just from time to time. But like you said, the more that itch is scratched, the better you perform in the Vitamin D category. ;)

    It was nice to see it acknowledged! I don't feel like it knocks my alpha cred at all.

  6. Yes, sometimes the Chef gets tired of cooking and wants a good meal served. That doesn't make him a bad Chef.

    [To be honest, I usually have to tell Jennifer exactly what I want her to do to me.]
    Your still in the kitchen supervising, how do you change that?

  7. Your still in the kitchen supervising, how do you change that?

    Get the wife an imagination for Christmas?

  8. Your still in the kitchen supervising, how do you change that?

    More like asking what I want for dinner.

    Jennifer is just so naturally submissive that it's something she consciously has to be aware of needing to do for me. I'm basically at peace with it.

  9. Erm. How can you write all this stuff about men being manly and alpha — or how can it be taken seriously — when you enjoy being submissive in bed??

    I just started reading your blog tonight, after a link was posted at the Taken In Hand website. I was mostly loving it, but I seriously cannot take the femdom/malesub stuff. It makes me nauseous.

    I believe that you are very wrong about the idea that most people are "switches" in bed. I have always been 100% submissive, and I would not want a man who was anything less than 100% dominant in bed. Outside of the bedroom, I prefer a more equal relationship; but in the bedroom he has to be all top, or he's out the door.

    I guess I should have seen this coming when I read the post about switching up the sexual positions. I would never want to be on top during sex under any circumstance, and I would never want a man who would allow me to be on top. I believe the sexual position that people call "missionary" is perfect and ideal. (Although it should be called "submissionary..")

    The male is supposed to be the one on top, that's how Nature designed sex to work. That's true if you look at almost any other mammal species too. The cow does not mount the bull, and the mare does not mount the stallion, and the lioness does not mount the lion. Natural sex is all about the male dominating the female. I will never understand how people get these other ideas in their heads, or why they find them appealing.

    I guess the other small clue is that you seem to have discovered and cultivated male dominance because it was something that you found women respond to. Whereas a 100% dominant man, a true alpha male, is sexually dominant because he gets aroused by dominating women and that's the only way that *he* can enjoy sex – regardless of whether or not the women he dates happen to enjoy it like that.

    A man who is truly sexually dominant would find sex romantic and meaningful only if he's in the dominant role. Then he finds a woman who also enjoys it that way, as much as or more than he does. (Which should not be hard, since most women are sexually submissive. We're wired that way.)

  10. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 8:14 – Stop being morally outraged that I'm enjoying my sex life in my consentual relationship with my wife.

    Animal sexual behavior is non-simple to draw conclusions from for human sexual behavior. Start reading here…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_sexual_behaviour

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