GC: I would love to see a post on how the MMSL concepts play out for married couples who are past the stage of wanting/needing to get pregnant/get someone pregnant. My husband and I have kids in college and high school, so we are way past that stage! We are working hard to stay in shape and keep sex as a high priority in our marriage, and are both trying to increase our Alpha characteristics just a bit. I’m just wondering what your thoughts are regarding the best strategies for couples in this stage of life.
Athol: My advice is exactly what you’re already doing. My advice isn’t really all that complicated lol. Just be the best version of you that you can be. Be a good fifty year old you, don’t try and pretend to be a twenty year old you.
Enjoy the ride. You may as well do all the kinky stuff you’ve been holding back on too. No one cares what you do behind closed doors when you’re fifty anyway, so have fun. Personally I plan to be taking the batteries out of Jennifer’s electric wheelchair so she can’t escape me when she’s 87.
If it helps, just think to yourself, What Would Jennifer Do? Then do that.
(Tip: Jennifer does her husband with high frequency.)
Jennifer: Oh that’s just fabulous. No pressure…
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post “Hot Husband, Nervous Wife“:
I’m just wondering where all the average-looking (or, God forbid, homely) older women are going to be hanging out when they are dumped by their husbands of 25-30 years, who want a shot a the fountain of youth from a younger, average-looking woman?
It sounds like my question has a measure of bitterness in it; it does not. I am an average-looking 53 year old endomorph (ie, not skinny). I love love LOVE sex (in fact, my previous husband once determined that on average, I have a sexual thought every 8 minutes) but if monogamy depends on looks, I’m screwed (figuratively, not literally). While I can control my weight with an enormous amount of effort, without surgery I can’t control my wrinkles, and as I look at my aging parents (in their mid-70’s), I see a horny old woman and a man who wants nothing at all to do with sex. Is that my future, if I happen to find another love of my life? Is it true, what my male friend says, “Very Long Term Relationships with the same woman are the cause of the huge numbers of ED medication commercials on TV during sports presentations”.
Athol: Well I have good news, I have awkward news and I have bad news.
The good news is that anyone getting into a relationship with you, is fairly unlikely to dump you for a hot young thing. The Auto-Dump programming, a.k.a. the Male Mid-Life Crisis, is directly related to the age of the man’s wife. So if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen when the wife is reaching the end of her fertility in the 35-42 age range. So the great news is that you’re far too old to be dumped for that reason! Sometimes science is just so reassuring isn’t it.
The awkward news is that the other half of the Male Mid-Life Crisis is the ability to actually attract a younger woman. For the most part, any man attracted to you, simply doesn’t have the ability to attract a young attractive fertile woman, or even a really worn out party girl who suddenly gets the baby rabies at age 37 and realizes what she really wants is a child, yoga lessons, better health insurance, a nice house, travel, Pandora bracelets and to really piss off the other moms on the PTA. Oh yeah and a husband.
However, should things suddenly change for the better for your new man, by say coming into possession of a sizable sum of money, then he might suddenly have the means to attract a younger woman. Perhaps a single mom tired of raising kids alone and hungry for a little romance (money) in her life. These women are easy pickings for anyone with the slightest ability at game. All one has to do is circle the local elementary school when the kids are getting out, and start looking for a very tired looking mom who is showing a combination of cleavage, dangling earrings and a muffin top. Once eye contact is established, all that needs to be done is to hold out a Pandora bracelet and gently jiggle it… they cannot resist.
The bad news is that you’re 53 and I’m sure you’re starting to get the sense that there’s slowly starting to be this paranoid feeling that there’s more women than men, and the pickings are starting to get slimmer and slimmer. That’s because there really are getting to be proportionally less and less available men the older you get. So you aren’t actually crazy to think the men are getting hard to find. Isn’t math reassuring?
So from here, your mission is fairly clear and just the same as everybody else. Make you be the most attractive version of you that you can be. Make sure that your partner has functional sexual organs and likes to use them. Then make a move.
Oh and have a little collection of Pandora bracelets. By age 53 everyone expects you would have the usual wear and tear on your vagina and some Pandora bracelets to show for it. Also if you do need to slip an older guy a Viagra pill, just push it into a piece of cheese and wrap it in bacon. Works every time.
Jennifer: You are an ass! Here’s the story people. I asked for a Pandora bracelet last Christmas and then flip flopped on it for a while and then decided I didn’t want one. Money was tight. About a week ago I decided I wanted one for this Christmas and told Athol. Now he’s teasing me about them through this post. You’re so evil lol.
Go have a read of this When Good Health Destroys A Perfectly Decent Marriage with an eye for Sex Rank changes and the destabilization of the relationship after a wife goes Paleo and gets significantly healthier and sexier.
“You pity him. He’s still fat, still depressed, still lazy, still forgetful, still hungry all the time, still impulsive, still smelly, and you? You haven’t looked and felt this great since high school.”
“He drank, he smoked, he still took head ache medicine, he didn’t care about exercising, etc. Our paths diverged right then and there. A few months later I was pregnant and so breaking up wasn’t much of an option. He wasn’t a bad guy, and so I stayed to see if I could make things work.”
“It is sad to uproot children from the two people they love the most — we should try at all costs to avoid it — but it is also sad to show children loveless, hateful, abusive, or lifeless relationships. Breaking off a marriage is a big deal for everyone involved but staying in one that isn’t working can be just as big of a deal.”
Sex Rank changes are brutally effective in causing changes in a relationship. The MAP works as advertised, your spouse will either get better and you’ll get more of what you want from them… or you’ll be better prepared to attracted a partner that will give you what you want.
Also it’s interesting to note how the Rationalization Hamster works in these situations. After a marked increase in her Sex Rank, she logically wants to leave the relationship because she’s hotter than him, but her hamster gets her pregnant and she talks herself into staying with him. After a while though, the hamster changes it’s mind and it talks her out of the relationship. He just takes too long to make the change.
And for the really dark thought… the turning point where she suddenly becomes interest in “living healthy” a.k.a. getting way hotter, comes in the aftermath of her husband being unable to defend her against an intruder in the house. It’s a marked negative factor in your relationship after you fail in a physical defense of your wife. To be sure the husband was clearly outgunned from the beginning, and it is by no means a reasonable expectation that an unarmed regular guy can best a gruesome thug with weapons and the element of surprise, but try explain that to ancient female biological wiring.
Endless Fitness Testing in the comments for posting an Amy Grant song lol. So I’m afraid you leave me no option but to run another song until everybody cheers up.
In the blue corner… Amy Grant with “Baby, Baby.”
In the red corner… Lady Gaga with “Bad Romance.”
You decide! Allez cuisine!!!!
Reader: So she’s doing something with her hair. Something complicated that females do. She was working at it for a minute or 2.
Both her hands are busy in her hair when her cell phone rings. Its in her pocketbook on the floor. We are both standing next to it. She asks me to please answer it for her since she’s in the middle of this hairdo…
Instantly, I perceive this as the hold-my-pocketbook or hold-my-drink for-me request and reply get your own phone. Not meanly, just matter-of-factly.
She pleads, “I’m right in the middle of this and don’t have a free hand, please answer it for me.”
I sense its not worth pushing the issue here and allow a little comfort beta and so I pick it up and give it straight to her (I don’t actually answer it) – by then she was able to wrassle a hand free and took it from me.
Failed shit test? No biggie husband beta comfort move?Over-analysis?
Athol: I think it was a reasonable request, and it sounded like she asked in a reasonable tone of voice, so I would have done it for her. It would take you two seconds of effort to save her undoing two minutes of effort.
I’m fine with holding Jennifer’s drink or bag, it’s all part of the Princess Fiona plan she’s on. I’ll do Beta stuff for her, she just has to make sure I’m Laid Like Tile(TM).
Though maybe I’d answer the phone pretending to be her smart-arse butler or something. “Madame is currently indisposed, may I forget a message for you?”