Playing Through From Where The Ball Lies

Reader: I wonder if I’m just making excuses here, or if there’s something to it.  I have the feeling that I KNOW it’s a combination of both. I’m infertile – our son was conceived with the help of modern medical science. I can still get it up, I can still fuck, I can still shoot fourth my seed of awesomeness – but the seed of awesomeness is missing the awesomeness.
I’ve been reading your posts and articles.  I bought your book off lulu and look forward to reading that.  On one hand – I get excited for the change, for the muscle, for the ‘alpha’ qualities – but the thoughts are pretty quickly squashed when I realize that I’m infertile.  My wife knows it, and I do feel it will play a big part in the sex life between us.  She’s already shown interest in a Male co-worker who is now a friend, She’s been changing herself for the better, but these changes I wanted her to make, I find I hate because I feel someone else is the catalyst.  I fear that she’ll always be looking to trade up as she wants another child I can’t give her.
My plan – follow all the advice. Get back in shape –  but my fear – she’ll never actually respond to that – or worse, I’ll never believe I’m fully a man without the ability to have children.
Rambling.  But infertile men –  Much less sexy than the fertile ones?
Athol: Being infertile is a sexual negative, but it’s one negative out of a sea of factors that make up your Sex Rank. It’s also one of those things like being short that you can’t do anything about, so hating it serves no purpose and may make things worse.
Unfortunately infertility is one of those things that can create critical failures in that if she really wants another child, nature tends to want to find a way. So a fairly predictable story arc would be her subconsciously finding a way to distance herself from you, attract another man, get pregnant, and then have an “Oh my God what have I done?” reassessment of whether she would be best off raising the child with him, or raising the child with you.
I know that’s a brutal assessment, but I also know that you can see that potentially playing out.
What I would advise is getting yourself together as best you can and increasing your Sex Rank as well as you can. Also I would advise facing this issue head on with her. Tell her what you’re seeing in her as the changes she’s making. She may very well gain enormous insight into her current and potential actions reading the Body Agenda chapter for example.
My hunch is that the infertility issue will be resolved somehow. If she really wants another child, there are other options remaining than stumbling into an affair and ruining her marriage. Adoption is quite difficult these days, so I tend to think toward a sperm donor here. The other possibility is her finding a way toward acceptance of just one child. In any case, all this sort of thing can only be discussed directly rather than just being hoped for. You need to approach the situation directly and influence for one of the better options, rather than trusting to luck that she chooses one of them all by herself.
Otherwise yes, the other guy situation is very concerning if she is making personal improvements to attract him better. So you need to act firmly toward that as well. I would make her aware that should she ever cheat on you, your assumption would be it was for the purpose of getting pregnant and you’d be drawing things to a very abrupt close between you for quite obvious reasons.
Also if the other guy is married himself, I’d be tempted to mention the whole situation and what you’d do if she was pregnant. It’s one thing to bang a married chick on the side a few times; it’s another to cough up 18 years of child support for a couple of rolls in the hay.
As a final thought… at some point your infertility will stop being any sort of a problem, and can actually become a positive. Think of it as the perfect vasectomy. Not all women want to be pregnant and with you there would be no need for birth control at all.
Plus just about every guy has some sort of aspect of their personality or history that makes them think they are some sort of failure as a man. Almost every adult male feels like they are faking it to some degree… whatever their particular version of faking it is. We all got gaps. But we don’t talk about them much because it’s usually going to be seen as a display of weakness by someone else. We’re all just playing through from where the ball lies.

Comments

  1. Looking Glass says:

    The one comment I do have, though, is that if you managed to conceive a child by modern tech, it's likely possible to pump you full of a specific set of substances to make you fertile, for a time frame. So it isn't necessarily completely out of the picture by the more normal means.

    Plus, Athol is right, it's not really a full negative. Yeah, you might not be able to conceive children without help, but it also means you could lay half of New York and not get any woman pregnant. You have complete control over having children, something a lot of the "player" set would love to no end. So in a rather weird way, it's a positive. It's a matter of how you roll with it. Letting it undermine your own feelings of self-worth is more of the issue.

    As for the wife, I think Athol's read is probably correct. She's probably a little "baby crazy" and doesn't fully realize it at a conscious level. So, up your own Sex Rank and make battlefield preparations. Getting your Alpha back on should, hopefully, stem any chance for an affair, but *you* have to protect your relationship. Once heavy hormones take over, your wife will suddenly not be the best at protecting that relationship.

  2. The only thing I would add is the power of helping her have that ZOMG! moment before she gets pregnant.
    "If you start seeing this guy: I will get as much evidence as I can, I will destroy you socially, I will divorce you and I will get as much time with our child as possible, leaving you as little as possible, I will not be friends, I will not call you for chats." You may not need all of this, but I had to destroy my wife's "divorce fantasy" by dealing with it head on. If you deal with your wife's "baby fantasy" head on, you may be able to bring some reality to the situation. I am sure she is not thinking of the nasty divorce and public crucifixion that will follow.
    Anon446

  3. Anonymous says:

    "Plus just about every guy has some sort of aspect of their personality or history that makes them think they are some sort of failure as a man. Almost every adult male feels like they are faking it to some degree… whatever their particular version of faking it is. We all got gaps."

    Yup. Good advice that. Thanks for the pick me up Athol.

  4. I'd suggest bringing up the baby issue and working on getting another one on the way together, whatever the method.

    As for directly threatening divorce with nasty consequences – I know I'd never trust a man again that did that. Perhaps you could talk about the topic theoretically – "you know some women are so crazy for a baby they will get themselves all dolled up and go out to attract a man for a fling. Then it all falls apart …. la la la … lucky we are not them." Then open the conversation about how you are going to make another baby together and how you will have such a lovely family and happy marriage. I think making a baby can be romantic whatever the method!

    Good luck! :-) C

  5. Athol Kay says:

    Perhaps you could talk about the topic theoretically – "you know some women are so crazy for a baby they will get themselves all dolled up and go out to attract a man for a fling. Then it all falls apart …. la la la … lucky we are not them."

    The wife will just hear "I see what's going on and I'm too weak to really say anything about it."

    It's more than fine to say if you cheat on me I'll divorce you. It's expectted.

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