Sexy Move: Find Stolen Time Together

I’ll cull the emails down into the basic issues…
Problem #1. She had a brief emotional affair with a co-worker. As in it turned on for about three days before being unearthed and smacked down fairly well by the husband. For the moment at least she still has to work with him due to finances and job prospects.
Problem #2. Their work schedules. The wife works Mon through Friday 2:30-11:00pm. She gets home at 11:30pm. The husband works Mon though Friday 7:00am-4:30pm. He leaves at 630am.
Problem #3. The emotional affair is over, but the current plan is the husband wears himself ragged staying up late for the wife to come home and reconnect and have sex. The relationship is much better both sexually and emotionally after the little emotional affair blip.
Athol: I would suggest talking about the primary issue… that unless you actively plan to be together, you will never see each other for the entire work week. Hell she probably had an EA just to experience social interaction with a male during the week.
(1) If there’s anyway she could meet you for lunch once during the week, that would be good. If there’s a way you could bring her dinner at work once a week that would be good too.
(2) If you want lots of sex, a connection and yet also some sleep, an option for a pre-planned night a week would be for you to already be in bed masturbating close to orgasm, and have her basically get home and finish you off with oral/handjob and then kiss you goodnight. If she’s home at 1130pm, then everything can be all done at 1132pm. If you’ve been jacking off slowly for 20-30 minutes the orgasm will be extreme. Monday? Wednesday?
(3) Plan for certain nights to be your “late nights” where you do stay up late to chat and play with her. Tuesday and Thursday? Up as late as you like on Friday of course.
(4) Text each other in the evening when she is on her breaks. Likewise text during your breaks during the day. Texts don’t have to be sexy or clever, just be a point of connection and contact. If you text 1000+ times a month, the content of the texting becomes almost trivial in comparison to the endless social touches creating a relationship connection.
(5) Does she like coffee in the morning? If you’re leaving at 630am, hit the coffeemaker as you walk out the door to brew.
(6) Would she agree to morning sex? Poke her awake in the morning and have a little fun and then let her fall back to sleep afterwards?
(7) Saturday morning needs some sort of connection ritual too. Lazy in bed together? Fancy coffee and pastries? Eggs and bacon? Whatever works for you guys.
Jennifer: (8)  I really like messages on sticky notes. “Thinking of you” or whatever.
At this point, whatever extra interactions you can get will be of benefit. If either one of you can easily switch hours, that would be good too. You both need to be conscious of the need to pay each other attention. In short, I’m advising you both to act like you are having an affair with each other. Find the stolen time together.
And the obvious… as soon as she can get away from the other man at work, that would be ideal.


  1. Anonymous says:

    I've always said that if you want to improve a poor relationship you should think of what it would take for someone to steal your significant other and start to do those things. Athol, if most couples did the things in the list alone the divorce rate could drop 25%

  2. Shannon Bradley-Colleary says:

    I know this is a bit inappropriate — but I just blogged about setting up a first-date with my husband (we've been together 13 years). I'd been obsessing about Gavin DeGraw and the many ways I wanted to mount him when I realized it might be time to put as much energy into reinvigorating my marital sex. So I left my man a note with the babysitter. Meet me at the Avalon Hotel at 8 p.m. We don't know each other. We are not ourselves. I can tell you this…the date ended in the back of our minivan parked on South Beverly. It was sublime. My husband informed me that next time he'd leave me the note.

  3. I'm suspecting that sex is not the reason that the wife had an EA and while I understand the intentions of the advice laid out in this post, I can't help but think that it's a bit premature. My wife had a few EA a couple of years ago so I'm well versed in dealing with them and can tell you what I did wrong. I didn't dig to find out what I could do better to support her emotionally. The issues between her and I wasn't sexually and I tried to fix it by connecting with her more and having more sex. All that happened was I smothered her and eventually pushed her away even more.

    In hindsight I should have either left her, because I couldn't quit being pissed off at and hurt by her, or stopped being pissed and been open to finding out what I needed to do differently for her. After a couple of years, a few affairs and nearly divorcing, we are finally figuring out that I wasn't supporting her emotionally. I didn't know that and I don't think she fully realized that what was driving her but in the end she didn't know how to ask me for what she wanted and I wasn't supplying an emotionally safe environment for her to be herself in. She stepped out to find emotional acceptance from other men.

    My point is that the gentleman should not assume that reconnecting physically or even spending more time with her will solve the problem. He needs to dig deep and find the core reason his wife felt the need to reach out to another man and solve that problem. Doing so should lead to more physical connection, IMHO.

  4. "act like you are having an affair with each other"

    Roissy liked to talk about building a "secret world," said the creation of a private emotional playspace was irresistible to women.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Two minutes of unfulfilling sex with a man that has been masturbating is not going to do a thing to bring the wife and the husband closer together. He might as well finish by himself.

  6. I am so glad that D brought up such an important point. As I was reading Athol's list, I felt that some sugeestions (especially number 2) would actually be couterproductive. I have never even come close to an EA but I am just speaking as a wife who often feels emoitonally distant from her husband. Sex doesn't do anything, nothing, nada to build connection for me. As D pointed out in his wife's case, sex can actually make a wife withdraw further. I really don't know the answer to this at all but I appreciate that the issue of emotional needs of the wife was at least broached. And as for suggestion 2 above, for me that would be the worst. A request for the full act would be so much preferable to that.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Something is needed for this wife in the emotional area and this couple's schedule is very counterproductive to being together at all.

    If I came home and my husband wanted me to finish off his masturbation I would not be pleased at all. After just finishing a long workday,walking in the door probably exhausted and seeing that I now need to immediately tend to my husband's need would be the last thing I'd want to do. This would be especially true if I would have been letting go of an emotional affair that probably started due to something missing at home. This scenario might satisfy the husband but where is the wife in all this?
    There is no tenderness or caring in this idea but simply this husband adding himself to a long to do list going on in the woman's head.

    I do love the idea mentioned of the secret playground though.

  8. Anonymous says:

    The finishing off the masturbation idea is almost insulting. It completely ignores her needs. What kind of ass would ask his wife for that and how low must the self esteem and self respect be for the wife who agrees?

  9. Athol Kay says:

    On suggestion (2). Try it just once before you claim it's insulting or demeaning. Seriously, stop being so uptight people. If the idea of your husband being so turned on by you he touches himself doesn't make you feel that you're sexy, then nothing he can ever do for you will be enough to fill the void.

    For those complaining about the wifes needs not being met, bear in mind that she chose to met them outside the relationship. Hello, she was cheating on him. At any point she could have been honest with him, but she chose to cheat on him. The husband was very fortunate to have discovered the affair very early.

    Right now he is exhausted from staying awake and getting five hours sleep a night, while she continues to work with the other man. I think the husband is doing more than pulling his fair share of the relationship weight right now.

  10. Well said Athol. And before anyone pulls the "but he wasn't meeting her needs" card, think about how you would feel if a man went and emotionally cheated on his wife because she wasn't meeting his needs. It doesn't matter who the neglected spouse is, there is always an opportunity to talk about it openly and honestly before going behind someone's back.

  11. Anonymous says:

    A 3 day emotional affair? Please. How emotional can you be about someone in 3 days. What exactly did this so called affair consist of?

  12. Athol Kay says:

    Six month build up to it. Three day admission of feelings for each other and several hundred texts. Some kissing, no sex.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Athol, some of these ideas are good in terms of connecting with each other. However, I'd like to remind you that this calls for a licensed mental health counselor. You should refer out this man who contacted you. You are not going to solve this man's problems via email and they should not be tried in the court of your blog. This requires in-depth, in-person, professional counseling by someone who will help both of them assess what occurred and take appropriate steps to deal with it.

    You are assuming the affair happened due to lack of sexual interaction. That may or may not be true. If it IS due to lack of sexual interaction, then asking the wife to come home and finish off the husband in exchange for a kiss is not going to fill the gap. Far from it. It will probably offer her justification for why the other man might be a better lover. I think you need to re-evaluate your reasoning here.

    If the man is going to take this route, he can try taking a nap upon getting home to allow him to stay up somewhat later and actually have sex that involves more than his getting finished off. He might also have some non-sexual interactions to start with. The wife and the other guy weren't jacking off in the bathroom, they were talking, working together, and connecting. Don't make the husband look like a self-absorbed adolescent.

  14. "The finishing off the masturbation idea is almost insulting. It completely ignores her needs. What kind of ass would ask his wife for that and how low must the self esteem and self respect be for the wife who agrees?"

    My husband has asked this of me before. Sometimes he sits there and watches porn on his computer, and then he gets up when he's all ready to go and he asks me to just go in and bend over for him. Sometimes I give him a quick blowjob (and if he's been rubbing at it for a while or is really worked up, the BJ is *really* quick. As in I don't even have time to get into a rhythm and its over).

    And my self-esteem and self-respect are actually quite high and solid and good. I don't really even understand how that is a factor…?

    I look at it like this… if he is ready to go and about to blow it somewhere, there is very few excuses left for me to not help him out with it. Its only going to take a couple minutes, I don't have to pull any sexy moves to get him ready to go… I just have to put something around it (hand, mouth, VJ) and… oh look, now I can go back to whatever I was doing. He's happy, his balls don't feel blue, and that makes me happy.y7

    Its a matter of love for my husband and understanding that he has sexual needs. His sexual needs are far more demanding than mine. I don't usually want or need to get off at all. So my needs *are* being met, because as long as he brings me to orgasm a few times a month, I feel pretty satisfied.

    Besides. Something tells me that most husbands aren't going to say, "Nope. Nope. Tonight I am absolutely not going to please you at all, even though you are practically begging me to. I've been yanking it for 20 minutes and then I'm going to sleep. I couldn't stay up for another 5-10 minutes to return the favor. Noooo way." If she wants it… I'm pretty sure she can get it.

  15. Athol Kay says:

    Anon 10:27 – you are reading in far too much to this. They have already reconnected, he's just getting exhausted from staying up late.

    You are assuming I assumed the affair happened for sexual reasons. In fact I said they never saw each other all week and she likely just wanted company.

    He wrote to me knowing what MMSL is and my format of advice.

  16. Athol Kay says:

    Rachel +1

  17. Matt Riggins says:

    Athol, I thought you'd appreciate this Johns Hopkins study.

    "Women Who 'Wear the Pants' Have the Worst Sex Lives"

  18. Anonymous says:

    @ Matt Riggins

    Speaking as a woman who is in a marriage with this dynamic the article is quite accurate.
    For my situation I don't want to be wearing the pants but I am and quite frankly it kills the attraction. When you can't see your husband as a man (rather you feel like a mother taking care of an overgrown child) it just kills the desire and the stress of it is the final insult to injury. Deeply dissatisfying dynamic and one that has landed me in therapy.

  19. Riggins/Anon 4:59,

    Sounds like despite all the bell-wringing about equalist marriages, women by and large would rather be first officers than captains.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Ditto on the nap thing. We don't have issues because we do everything athol lists, except #2… We each nap as necessary and find the time as we can. We actually use the texts to build each other up, so, yeah, maybe we are adding in idea #2, just in a different way.

  21. Anonymous says:

    About the study – I tend to agree that too much "equalism" is death to good sex, but I'm not so sure this particular study supports the same idea we're all thinking. Africa isn't a lot like America, and 100x more sex when the man wants it and the woman doesn't isn't necessarily better.

    Meanwhile, interesting point, Badger – the options these days seem to boil down to captain (with a nice guy who believes in empowerment) or lowly deck-swabber (with a jerk, who doesn't at all). Men should try advertising for first officers on Craiglist and see how it works for them…

  22. @Anon 6:32 a.m. a lot of the equalist women claim they want equal but act like they are captain. They see the only alternative as deck-swabber like you say. But when a man proposes a captain/first officer model, the woman might just assume the man wants captain/deck swabber instead. The proof is in the pudding as they say, so the man has to walk the captain/first officer talk, and actually respectfully rely upon the first officer for decisions and not make unilateral decisions only.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Elhaf: +1.

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