Reader Question: Last night I told my wife to meet me in bed after we got our kid down for bed…she seemed into it.
So we get into bed and she says she’s exhausted but wanted to do other stuff which in my mind meant bj or hj, but she meant kissing and cuddling…augh.
I wasn’t in the mood for that so I kind of blew her off and said I wasn’t in the mood for that and went and watched TV. She said we should be able to do other stuff besides sex…blah blah.
How should I handle that?
Athol: I have two thoughts here…
(1) She wanted to be warmed up and escalated before becoming agreeable to having sex. She was interested, but she went to bed lukewarm and you went to bed hot. Maybe kissing and cuddling is what gets her from lukewarm to hot. What happened was you broke off the seduction early. Neither one of you got what you wanted from it.
(2) She doesn’t get that “just kissing and cuddling” in bed is going to drive you crazy when you are horny.
Jennifer: I second this point. I didn’t understand this at first either. Then the “touch the penis make the penis happy” rule was firmly stated lol.
My suggestion is to increase the physical interaction outside the bedroom. If she’s been filled up on her cuddle and kiss need before bedtime, she’s either going to go to bed more interested in sex as opposed to cuddling, or go to bed actually sleepy.
This can also be coupled with an understanding that going to bed is either going to head toward having sex, or just going to sleep, and not that touchy-feely-snuggle-pawing-and-then-nothing-happens-FML-thing. But to do that, you have to be meeting the physical affection needs outside of bedtime.
The trouble really starts when you go to bed excited and expecting to have sex, and then don’t get it. Even if you got a blowjob, you might have been upset because in your mind it was going to be a sixty minute session of sweating, soaking and sizzle.
But if you really are getting baited and switched by her, then what you did was the correct response. It’s not nice to be promised sex and had it dangled in front of you, and then whipped away at the last minute. In that case I’d just be pissed off and getting out of bed too. Internet porn night for the… well not exactly a win, but a draw at least.
Jennifer and I spend a lot of time incidentally touching, stroking, kissing, flirting and groping each other, with about 90% initiated by me, all the way through an evening. We probably have 12 points of physical contact throughout the evening as a minimum, about 20 as a maximum. Not everything is very long, some are just little ten second moments, others are a couple minutes, but it’s constant. Plus at each moment of contact, I’m leading her, wooing her, dominating her and gaining her compliance. Which makes going to bed and getting sex very easy for me.
At this point, it’s not even me consciously running game on Jennifer. I’m just “goofy and groping” with her. It’s light and playful and she knows that I can make a pass at her in the kitchen and not suddenly start trying to wrestle her to the ground. It’s so ingrained at this point that it would require a conscious decision to not act like this with her.
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