I’m generally a pro-virgin-until-you-meet-the-one kind of guy. There really are benefits to playing the virgin strategy. However as I explained in a recent post, there is risk in waiting all the way until the wedding day, because what happens after the wedding day sexually is an unknown risk.
There’s also the risk of things going wrong before the wedding too. This is post is going to cause some fire and brimstone in the comments no doubt. All I can say is that I know friends that got punked out of marriages because of this issue. I’ve also had many emails from readers that have discovered after the wedding that cheating was going on during the engagement, all the while they were being chaste with their fiance!
For the men…
Understand that not trying to initiate sex with your partner is in biological terms, really dysfunctional behavior. You’re a healthy young male, she is a fertile available female and willing to be isolated by you. You’re meant to be trying to get your penis into her vagina repeatedly. That’s what males are designed evolved to do.
Isn’t it a little strange that on a Friday at the rehearsal dinner, not having sex with your primary partner is a “wonderful commitment to morals”, and by the end of the reception on Saturday it’s a “very serious relationship problem.” It’s the exact same dysfunctional sexual behavior; you’re not having sex with your pair bonded partner.
When you are a male failing to try and inseminate an available fertile female who has obviously expressed sexual interest in you, it is a weakness display. At first that may not be overly bothersome to her and the relationship may continue on happily, but as a serious emotional relationship progresses over months and into a year or more, that weakness display can begin to earn compound interest.
Should a male willing to push the issue come into contact with a fertile female denied intercourse for an extended period of time, it would from a biological point of view be quite expected that she would respond positively to the new male, and quietly seek him out. She may or may not break off the relationship with the original male.
And yes I know, that would all be terribly immoral and she should be ashamed of herself for cheating on her honorable good guy fiance. If you want more outrage… this all happened while he was deployed.
For the women…
It you’re willing to be honest, there’s a basic Evangelical Christian math problem where there are about 3 marriageable women for every 2 marriageable men. There’s just not enough cocks on the Christian carousel for everyone to have a seat. Plus according to the rulebook there’s no second chances, the carousel only spins once. No pressure.
So the obvious temptation to some of those women is to play dirty and ensure they get a seat and don’t miss out. Or like the classic Emo Philips joke
“When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. … and I got it!”
Or in plain English…
While you aren’t screwing your guy, some other churchwhore child of God can fall into sin for a little bit and jack your guy right out from you. It’s crazy difficult for a guy to turn down an insistent naked woman. After that she can have a tearful confession and turn back to God. Toss a pregnancy in there and the die is cast. Game over girlfriend, game over.
And yes I know. It’s utterly disgraceful behavior. She’s a total bitch and he’s a bastard for cheating on you. They deserve each other. The rage is completely justified. Except fifteen years later, they’re still married and have kids, while you’re still single. Which is a really shitty outcome on several levels.
So I don’t mean this to sound anti-Christian, I just want to expose some of the harsh reality that can simmer beneath the surface so that my readers don’t get punked by them. And as I’ve said a few times before, young Evangelical women are repeatedly sold a line that there is a husband for every one of them to have a wonderful evangelical husband, when quite plainly there is a math problem with that. It very much remains a pet peeve of mine that such a sick cruelty was inflicted on my friends.
And again, just to be explicitly clear on this point – Jennifer and I both played the virgin strategy and it’s been I think an enormously positive thing for the two of us. When it works, it’s great. However we also got busy once the ring was on her finger and that was also very important for us. Three years of long distance is simply awful to get through and the sexual connection was critical for us making it through that. I’m a fairly open minded guy, but I do hold in contempt the suggestion we damaged our relationship by having sex before the wedding.
In the final analysis, the virgin strategy only works for you, if both of you play by the rules and wait, or if both of you agree to break the rules with each other. If you must wait for the wedding, I strongly suggest you reduce your exposure and make it a short engagement.