Getting In Touch With Your Inner Asshole

Reader: My wife has been making a concerted effort the past 6 months or so to lose about 10-15 pounds.[Much of that is actually taking a cue from me as I have working very hard on eating better, getting fit and working out.
She constantly hits me with the “Do I look fat in this” or the “I am a giant blob” while checking herself out in the mirror. In reality, she’s not that bad. Sure, she could lose a good 15 pounds but for the most part she looks pretty decent.
I usually handle those comments with the usual “Game-approved” method usually cocky/funny Agree and Amplify – although sometimes I’ll just plain Ignore. That usually works – although this comes up constantly. (I really think that often it is just her low self esteem regarding her weight rather that always being just a shit-test…but I digress.)
Anyway, earlier that day I “caught” her eating a chocolate pudding and started negging/joking about it with her. I usually don’t say anything because, hey she’s an adult and also that I don’t really think its bad that she cheats every so often. But it drives me crazy when an hour later she starts on the “I’m so fat ” shit.
That evening while she was getting ready for bed and changing into PJ’s she passed the mirror and again started with the “I’m a whale” line. This time, I took a different approach and hit her with some asshole: “Well, you did have that chocolate pudding for dessert” I replied.
It was a tactic, I really had not employed before. Her immediate response was calling me an asshole, storming into the bathroom, and generally getting very bitchy and upset. She got into bed and gave me the cold shoulder calling me asshole several more times. I just played it very cool, continued to do my own thing, and told her to stop over-reacting.
After some time passed and I was ready to go to sleep I said to her in a strongish tone: come here – motioning her to lay right next to me in my crook before I went to sleep. Amazingly, she agreed. She called me an asshole one more time and sidled up right into me – almost melting into me. I put my arm around her tightly and we went to sleep. (I am certain I could have sexed it up at that moment but I really was exhausted.) The next morning nothing was mentioned and she was lovey dovey business as usual.
I am in shock about how things went. I would love to get your thoughts and take on the episode.
Athol:  (1)  She’s losing weight, so she’s probably doing that in response to you upping your game recently / in general.
(2)  She’s playing for your attention. She’s a little nervous about why you are changing for better, so she’s trying to attract your attention to her.
(3)  There’s a disconnect between her talk (I want to lose weight) and her actions (Watch me eat all this pudding!)  When you brought up the disconnect, she got mad, but you’re basically in the right in that you’re calling her on her own disconnect between talk and action.
(4)  Women are notoriously attracted to assholes. Seriously it’s like a damn hypnotist as implanted “asshole” as a trigger word in the entire female population, making them want to screw any man they call an asshole. The time she said it in bed was a compliment. Just say “Thank you, I appreciate the compliment.”  Then follow up with “So you wanna have sex with an asshole?”  Big goofy I’m-a-naughty-boy grin.
(5)  After you’ve had sex, in the warm after glow, it’s fine to tell her you have noticed and appreciated her efforts at weight loss. We’re rewarding the behavior we want to see continue… crazy good sex, then cuddle and compliment.
(6)  Do have the sex when it’s on offer like that. When it comes to sex, most women want to think that their man will always be up for it as his #1 priority of existence. As such, sleep is for the weak.

Reader Story: Noticing Her Making Little Changes…

Athol: A long but excellent comment by Ryan on yesterday’s post “It’s Already An Unstable Relationship If She’s Hotter Than Him.”:
Ryan: I agree with Athol 100% because this is what happened with my wife and me over a year ago. I was not far from being the guy in the email. My wife is stunningly attractive – so attractive that many men feel intimidated to approach her. She was an ugly duckling and grew up fat and then in high school suddenly lost it all. I met her in college where I took her virginity. She was a 9 and I was an 8.
Anyway over the years her “betaness” became a turn off for me. I guess I never saw her as the “sexy vixen” even though she was beautiful. I just started thinking of her as a friend, and as a result our relationship turned similar to relationship in the email mentioned in this post. I even avoided sex with her because it was no longer a turn on. I spent my time fantasizing about nasty / dirty whores who “needed” sex. She’d complain about the sex of course, but I blamed it on some medication I was taking for stress.
She stayed a 9 over the years and I got fat and my sex rank started going down to about a 6. However, even though she was a 9, because she didn’t see herself as a 9. A 9 and a 6 can stay married without a problem as long as the 9 thinks she’s a 6.
But then something changed. One day she started saying things like “someday someone is going to sweep me off my feet”. I thought this was strange because she never said something like this before, however she said it a few more times over the next few weeks. I noticed that she changed her appearance a bit and was dressing different. She was also more into her exercise program. At the time I didn’t think too much more cause I knew she wouldn’t cheat on me. For one she never ever flirted and 2 she always avoided eye contact with men.
Then I got my dose of the red pill. It was about a month later when we were standing in a long line for the Dumbo ride at Disney World. I remember her looking at a guy standing next to us, and then looking again. This was the first time I ever saw her checking some other guy out. I know it’s normal for women to do, but it surprised me because she said she never did it. During the rest of the trip I wore sun glasses and kept an eye on her, and noticed she’d check out guys.
It was after this I started researching the whole alpha / beta thing along with the ovulation stuff. My wife was ovulating on that day in Disney World. This was all an awakening experience because it was the day I found out those women are kind of like men when they ovulate.
After the trip I came back and started over analyzing everything from sexy underwear I’ve never seen before to the way she was trimming her va-jay-jay. I was convinced she was cheating on me. As an IT guy I did a full investigation. Checked computer history, searched for hidden email accounts, Face Book activity and cell phone usage. I found nothing that was suspicious.
Whatever caused these changes in her were either in my head, or perhaps she started feeling attraction to someone outside and it never went anywhere.
I know this story is long, but it is proof that what Athol is prescribing here really works. Honest talking doesn’t work. Before these little things happened, I was way too secure in the relationship to the point I took her for granted. It was when I was faced the reality that other men find her desirable, and she found other men desirable too that made me want to change.
After this happened I started working out and brought myself back up to an 8. Even brought a few beta elements I was missing by helping more with the laundry and dishes. Before I’d make her do everything.

To the woman who wrote this email, your husband probably doesn’t think of you as a higher sex rank even though you think of yourself that way. There could be something you’re doing that is lowering your rank in his eyes. Otherwise he’d be putting the effort in with you.

Athol: I’m very glad that Ryan cottoned on to things and turned it around before they progressed any further. Well done!

It’s Already An Unstable Relationship If She’s Hotter Than Him

Following up on Girl Game vs Fitness Test, a few commenters were horrified at the advice I gave that the wife express very mild disinterest and disloyalty to her husband in order to spark him into some kind of action in self-improving, as opposed to just talking about it. My reply being…
Some of you are missing the point a little. She’s hotter than him, a female 8 to a male 6 or 7. It’s a fairly natural and probable result that she will leave or cheat on him. The relationship is already unstable because of that difference in Sex Rank. She’s gotten more attractive, he’s gotten less attractive since the start of the relationship.
What she’s doing and I’m advising, is openly (as opposed to in secret) slowly inch toward the door/another man, in hopes that her husband wakes up and starts pulling himself together about the marriage before she does something crossing the event horizon of relationship failure. She’s already verbally expressed herself in conversation that basically boils down to, “Look I’m an 8, I’d like you to become an 8 too, so we can have a better relationship together.”  In response his talk said he’d become an 8, and then he didn’t perform any action toward doing that.
So by the time she finds MMSL, she’s already passed the point of (1) just tolerating things. His options are to, (2) be cheated on, (3) get handed a surprise filing for divorce, or (4) pull himself together and improve his sex rank and re-attract his wife.
She wants option (4), but he wants option (1) to continue. However once she’s taken option (1) off the table, the story will inevitably head toward finishing up in an option (2), (3) or (4) ending. The only outcome that the husband can actively choose to affect the outcome is (4). If he is passive, it heads toward option (2) or (3).
MMSL isn’t creating the situation of destabilization, so much as managing it for best advantage.
And to underline the true seriousness of the husband’s situation – he likely lives in a no fault divorce state, there’s nothing illegal about her starting the divorce paperwork tomorrow, cheating on him, or getting pregnant to someone else and thus making the husband liable for supporting the resultant child. I’m trying to get her to feed him the red pill in tiny little divided doses before the shit like that hits the fan.
It is to her vast credit that she is consciously aware of her situation and trying to communicate that to him.

Girl Game vs Fitness Test

Reader:  I have a theory question: If the objective of the male-view MAP (penned by you) is to increase the amount of sex, what would the objective of the female MAP be? Does this translate?
For a man, MAP is an attempt to fulfill his natural desire for polygamy within his marriage by enhancing sexual variety with his wife (amount and quality/enthusiasm) through self-improvement. For a woman, MAP is an attempt to fulfill her natural desire for hypergamy within her marriage by enhancing the quality of her husband (as leader and provider) through self-improvement.
Of course this stems from personal experience….
I am running a form of female MAP currently, but I’ve seen no progress. It’s been a few months of training for my first 5k, taking salsa classes, teaching myself to cook, and subsequently losing ten pounds. I’m now entering the third month of taking a couples dance class full of single men without him, and not a speck of interest in attending. He started talking big game (‘I’ll start exercising soon,’ ‘I really do hate this job, I’ll start applying for a transfer in a couple months”), and not doing anything. FYI if anything I’m too enthusiastic about sex for him. After some due contemplation of why the plan was falling flat, I’ve come to the conclusion, that I was simply working on the wrong traits. To be honest, I already held a higher sex rank than him, so losing weight and gaining a dancers’ ass wasn’t really the critical path. Though I had increased my attentions to beta traits, I clearly needed to spend more on them. Things like being appreciative, letting him be a man, supporting him in his decisions, etc.
Athol: Your theorycraft seems about right. Ultimately both men and women seek an intense sexual relationship and experience. Monogamy does have limitations and benefits for sexual experience, MMSL simply attempts to maximise the monogamy strategy for a couple.
As such, I’m guessing you just want your husband to Alpha up a bit for you. Here’s where you’re going wrong…
“FYI if anything I’m too enthusiastic about sex for him.”
That means there’s nothing he needs to do to change the relationship for the better, because you are already giving him exactly what he wants. The behavior you reward (his lack of interest in self-improving), is the behavior that you will see continue.
He’s actually a little bit concerned about what you’re doing, salsa classes with single men are getting his attention, but you’re so good on the trustworthy / stable / good girl / Beta front, that he’s only mildly put off about it all. He’s very comfortable in the relationship because of all your Beta Traits used so far. Certainly not uncomfortable enough to make him do anything to intercede and go all Alpha on you.
My suggestion would be to start actually removing a little of your Beta and making him start to feel less comfortable in the relationship. Most guys start seriously running the MAP for themselves when faced with the prospect of their wife/gf leaving them for another man. So suggest you start exhibiting some mild disloyalty and see what that gets you as a result.
Cut down your interest in him a bit, be a little mysterious, come back from salsa class a little late, buy some fancy underwear that he knows about but doesn’t get to see. When you get a text or a phone call, leave the room to answer it. Do it as an experiment. He’s not going to up his Alpha because you upped your Beta.
Or put more cynically… I’ve yet to receive an email from a guy trying to deal with the problem of his wife laying him like tile and pampering his ego for which I recommend immediately putting the MAP into action. But I do get an awful lot of email from husbands in emotional free-fall from hearing “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” the discovery of the wife’s affair, or impending divorce. For those men I do recommend putting the MAP into action.
It sounds like you are the higher Sex Rank half of the couple, so something to consider before you get too deep into things with the salsa lessons…. give him a fair warning.
The difference between running some Girl Game and The Mother of All Fitness Tests is largely a matter of perspective.

Jennifer: Are you’re doing that thing where you want him to be the leader, but telling him to be the leader means he isn’t the leader because that makes you the leader? Sometimes you just have to tell them. Like Athol said, give him a fair warning.

Seventeen Years

11/26/94 was our wedding day, so 17 years together tomorrow.
That’s about it really. I’d love to say that I had some major plans for tomorrow, but I don’t. I actually slept for twelve hours last night as opposed to my usual seven. Supposedly I’ve been off all week, but it’s just been one thing after the other. Eldest daughter’s school was locked down all Wednesday for a “Columbine-like threat” on Facebook. All safe and sound, but not exactly restful.
I think the only plan is a quiet dinner out. Sounds good to me.
Jennifer:  Wow, seventeen years seems like a long time, but it just keeps getting better. Quiet dinner out, check.  Fabulously wonderful anniversary sex, check.  My job is done.