Jennifer: Are you’re doing that thing where you want him to be the leader, but telling him to be the leader means he isn’t the leader because that makes you the leader? Sometimes you just have to tell them. Like Athol said, give him a fair warning.
Reader: I have a theory question: If the objective of the male-view MAP (penned by you) is to increase the amount of sex, what would the objective of the female MAP be? Does this translate?
For a man, MAP is an attempt to fulfill his natural desire for polygamy within his marriage by enhancing sexual variety with his wife (amount and quality/enthusiasm) through self-improvement. For a woman, MAP is an attempt to fulfill her natural desire for hypergamy within her marriage by enhancing the quality of her husband (as leader and provider) through self-improvement.
Of course this stems from personal experience….
I am running a form of female MAP currently, but I’ve seen no progress. It’s been a few months of training for my first 5k, taking salsa classes, teaching myself to cook, and subsequently losing ten pounds. I’m now entering the third month of taking a couples dance class full of single men without him, and not a speck of interest in attending. He started talking big game (‘I’ll start exercising soon,’ ‘I really do hate this job, I’ll start applying for a transfer in a couple months”), and not doing anything. FYI if anything I’m too enthusiastic about sex for him. After some due contemplation of why the plan was falling flat, I’ve come to the conclusion, that I was simply working on the wrong traits. To be honest, I already held a higher sex rank than him, so losing weight and gaining a dancers’ ass wasn’t really the critical path. Though I had increased my attentions to beta traits, I clearly needed to spend more on them. Things like being appreciative, letting him be a man, supporting him in his decisions, etc.
Athol: Your theorycraft seems about right. Ultimately both men and women seek an intense sexual relationship and experience. Monogamy does have limitations and benefits for sexual experience, MMSL simply attempts to maximise the monogamy strategy for a couple.
As such, I’m guessing you just want your husband to Alpha up a bit for you. Here’s where you’re going wrong…
“FYI if anything I’m too enthusiastic about sex for him.”
That means there’s nothing he needs to do to change the relationship for the better, because you are already giving him exactly what he wants. The behavior you reward (his lack of interest in self-improving), is the behavior that you will see continue.
He’s actually a little bit concerned about what you’re doing, salsa classes with single men are getting his attention, but you’re so good on the trustworthy / stable / good girl / Beta front, that he’s only mildly put off about it all. He’s very comfortable in the relationship because of all your Beta Traits used so far. Certainly not uncomfortable enough to make him do anything to intercede and go all Alpha on you.
My suggestion would be to start actually removing a little of your Beta and making him start to feel less comfortable in the relationship. Most guys start seriously running the MAP for themselves when faced with the prospect of their wife/gf leaving them for another man. So suggest you start exhibiting some mild disloyalty and see what that gets you as a result.
Cut down your interest in him a bit, be a little mysterious, come back from salsa class a little late, buy some fancy underwear that he knows about but doesn’t get to see. When you get a text or a phone call, leave the room to answer it. Do it as an experiment. He’s not going to up his Alpha because you upped your Beta.
Or put more cynically… I’ve yet to receive an email from a guy trying to deal with the problem of his wife laying him like tile and pampering his ego for which I recommend immediately putting the MAP into action. But I do get an awful lot of email from husbands in emotional free-fall from hearing “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” the discovery of the wife’s affair, or impending divorce. For those men I do recommend putting the MAP into action.
It sounds like you are the higher Sex Rank half of the couple, so something to consider before you get too deep into things with the salsa lessons…. give him a fair warning.
The difference between running some Girl Game and The Mother of All Fitness Tests is largely a matter of perspective.