How To Fall Back In Love With Your Wife

Here’s a little secret…
…behind the scenes, there’s a little community of the Game related bloggers that talk to each other. If you’re a reader of the blogs, it’s near totally invisible, but if you’re a writer it’s something you can bump into.
So once in a while I get asked advice from another Game blogger about their relationship, or what they should or should not be doing. I think I’m up to about eight different bloggers that have emailed me and asked for help. Which is fine by me because I like helping.
Very often it turns out they have been making quite simple mistakes in what they are doing in their romantic engagements. Which sounds like I just said they suck, but that’s not what I actually said, because I’ve seen the same bloggers offer excellent advice to other people repeatedly. I’m also seen quite a few multi-blogger email conversations where the one asking advice is making simple mistakes and everyone else says that’s what happening, is the same one that is totally on point for someone else’s emailed question a few weeks later.
So it’s really a case of “physician heal thyself”.
The point is that the hormones at work are very real and if you wanted to do labwork, quite measurable physical things. Dopamine is real, Oxytocin is real, Testosterone is real. When you are being affected by your hormonal systems, these are powerfully influencing effects or your personality and thoughts. You can be given medication that increases any of these hormones and you will have changes in your personality and mood. It may sound a stretch to say this, but feelings are physical things.
So when you, or a Game blogger, or even myself are in the middle of experiencing hormonal extremes, it is very difficult to extract yourself from that emotional matrix and think clearly about Game concepts. Control is an illusion…
… well almost an illusion.
Once you understand how the hormones work, and work on you, you can start predicting your moods and start to actively manage them, thus creating the emotions you want to experience.
For example I near endlessly touch Jennifer, I’m by nature a Care Bear with high oxytocin. Kisses, hugs, strokes and obviously sex. Physically touching someone causes them to release oxytocin into their blood stream, making them feel comfortable about you and socially bonded to them. This is why the Game technique of Kino (Physical) Escalation actually works. Constantly touching a woman will make her start to like you. This is also why hookers don’t kiss their clients – they don’t wish to bond to a couple of dozen guys a week.
So all that touching and oxytocin release makes Jennifer a compliant cuddle bunny to me. My problem is that she’s so easy to me, I get bored by her. It’s kinda awkward to write about marriage and monogamy, and how that’s a good thing and extra-marital sex is a pathway to a bad end, and yet start getting plagued by thoughts of trying to figure out a way to talk Jennifer into me having a girlfriend on the side. That all sounds like I’m full of shit, but what it really means is that I’m falling out of love with Jennifer because my dopamine related to her is dropping away. Low dopamine, low in love feelings. Feelings are physical things.
So rather than divorce or cheat on Jennifer, I gave her a fair warning and told her what was happening. She said thank you, and said now what. My suggestion was that she start denying me sex. The look on her face suggested that she thought that was a remarkably bad plan. To which I clarified that she needed to both increase the number of sexualized incidents between us, but also randomize the outcomes. Or put more plainly, she could jerk on my cock or whatever several times a day, but not get me to orgasm except for a few of those times. Or put another way, she would act like a slot machine and I’d act like a gambler hooked in to pulling the lever just one more time to try and get a pay out.
What that randomized sexual activity looked like was covered in the recent post Sexy Move: Not Until Tonight. Except as that post mentioned, we went four days, and 20-25 sexual “starts”, before we gave me release. (HUGE cumshot lol) Since then it’s been about three or four starts a day, and normal bedtime sex.
Now if that sounds odd, know that there’s really not anything better for bumping up your dopamine level than a randomized sexual outcome. About a week after we started on this regime I’ve felt all my romantic feelings for Jennifer come flooding back, and I’m crushing on her again. I mean seriously crushing on her. I started writing poetry for goodness sake. (Never to see the light of day!)
So, Game is real, hormones are real, love and being in love is completely real. Understanding how all this works doesn’t “ruin it” unless you have sex with so many people that you burn out your body’s ability to respond to anyone like a sort of emotional diabetes. Or as Dr Helen Fisher explains, you can know everything that goes into the making of a chocolate cake, but that doesn’t ruin the experience of enjoying the cake.
Jennifer:  It all sounds very counter-intuitive but it actually works.  And don’t get all worked up…we weren’t heading for divorce court, he was having a rough spell, and I could cure that rough spell.  Plus, my mantra is usually “touch the penis, make the penis happy”, so being encouraged to tease him was kind of fun.  Okay, really a lot of fun, and it was definitely a boost to our connection to each other.

Comments

  1. What do you (and people in general) mean when you say "falling in love"? Being sexually attracted to her? Willing to sacrifice for her well-being? Both?

  2. Biggest problem with the English language(&most others) is there´s only one word for love.

    Most people equate infatuation/horniness with "love". Some try to quantify by saying "being IN love".

    I applaud Athol´s and Jen´s very lucid approach to managing their horny factors. It isn´t called brain chemistry for nothing.
    A very nice example for actual love.

  3. Hi Athol – very nice post.

    For what it's worth, dopamine isn't a hormone, it's a neurotransmitter. And like all neurotransmitters, its concentration (or "level") cannot be measured in the brain of a living human.

  4. Athol, I have come to love your daily posts. Today is just another example of why I look forward to reading it. Thank you so much for saving my marriage, changing my life and giving me something to look forward to on a daily basis!

  5. Interesting post, kind of boils down to the boredom of a "Sure Thing" and pining after when "You don't know what you had until it's gone" .

    Still though it makes me wonder what people call "Love", or even if they really know what it is. Even though my wife and I went through some periods when things were pretty bleak, I'd of still taken a bullet for her just because of what we had gone through together and died a happy man. I guess for some that's not enough, my wife included. It's a real shame a temporary tingling in the nether regions is all it takes to break a bond of a quarter century.

  6. I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
    I have shudder'd at it.
    I shudder no more.
    I could be martyr'd for my religion
    Love is my religion
    And I could die for that.
    I could die for you.

    I found this posted on the internet, don't know who to credit it to.

  7. What's the female version of what you just covered? Starting the dishes but not finishing them? Starting some laundry but not drying it? I jest, but she has no penis to tug on (thank the Lord for that) so how do I start/stop/start/stop/finish my wife so that she regains those "in love" feelings for me.

    I suspect it has more to do with the attention I don't give her than the attention I do give her, i.e. ignore her in the right ways and she'll start to miss me and throw herself at me. Your thoughts????

  8. You can do several things as a guy to get the female version of a dopamine injection.

    - Casually remark on other girls' hotness. Talk about other women at work. Say what's on your mind when you see a pretty girl.

    - Don't kiss her eagerly. Pull away more quickly. Tease her about wanting to kiss you more. Make her work for your attention.

    - Do exciting stuff yourself that demonstrate manliness, like lifting weights, shooting guns, etc. Pump up your testosterone. Women can smell it.

    - Pick her up. Take her somewhere like the bedroom and plop her down. Restrain her hands. Force her head to turn toward you for a kiss. Slap her butt. Etc.

    - Set clear boundaries and don't let her test you. Make her feel like she's being a bad girl when she's being bad. Reward good behavior.
    Speaking as a wife, these all work, especially as a combination.

  9. Sorry, only #3 and #4 are sure-fire approaches. Increase the alpha. Increase Displays of Higher Value. My husband is great at this. And he diesn't even know it. Hell, it's hunting season. Gina tingle!

  10. Female version – I like that topic.

    Some ideas that come to mind around the "up the testosterone" theme:

    Make friends – guy friends – and spend time with them doing whatever it is guys like to do.

    Pick a hobby, pick two hobbies, spend time honing your skills to get the maximum enjoyment from your hobby.

    Similarly, learn a new skill that would make your job more fulfilling for you.

    Initiate projects or discussions with your sons or daughters.

    Fix the glaring problems in the house. If you are not a "fix-it" kind of guy, hire it out. If you don't want to do either, sell your house and move your family to an apartment or condo.

    Take pride in things you can control about your appearance, like the clothes you wear, making sure they fit well. Have confidence or at least "fake" it.

    In other words, don't depend on your wife for all your self-esteem and social needs and recreational needs, etc. etc. Having your own life is super "sexy" and is sure engender some of those "in love" feelings in your wife.

  11. Boombacca, it's from Keats

  12. The Woman Formerly Know As Beautiful says:

    Athol and Jennifer I love you. Admitting sexual boredom in marriage is so liberating! I'm a high testosterone female (which means horny and slightly mustachioed) who lusts for the forbidden. I've been monogamous with my husband for 13 years and I think the reason is rigorous honesty. I tell him when I'm bored and when my eye is roving. I married the right guy because that doesn't scare him. We discuss. And then we fuck. Or start to fuck…and don't…then do…then…wait, what do we need from the grocery store?

  13. I'm surprised Jennifer doesn't view you as needy and smothering when you're touching her all the time. Jennifer, be honest…do you ever view his desire and need for constant attention from another as a weakness?

  14. Here's an interesting question: Any ideas on how pregnancy and nursing effect a woman's sexual interest in her partner? I'm not interested in anyone else, either, just… completely sexually unmotivated.

    I hate it, because I feel it's not fair to my husband. I don't think I earn any points for feeling guilty about not wanting sex, seeing as he doesn't want it if it's just because I feel obligated. He (probably) wants me to WANT it, and I just do not. Obligatory sex would be better than no sex though, right? So is this just hormonal, or what?

  15. Jennifer, aka The Wife says:

    I'm surprised Jennifer doesn't view you as needy and smothering when you're touching her all the time. Jennifer, be honest…do you ever view his desire and need for constant attention from another as a weakness?

    Lol, yes the sex blogger is sexually needy…but in a good way! He is more sexually high maintenance than many other men, but I've known that for all of our almost-17-year marriage. The needy-ness isn't a turn off, it's him letting me know that he is paying attention to me, he wants me and he is into me. I'm not smothered or annoyed…we are both touchy-feely people. We naturally like to hug, kiss, get a quick back rub, and yes have a little grope when the kids aren't around. This is part of how we connect with each other and show that we love each other.

    Also, you hear about 10% of our day, the sexy lovey-dovey part. 90% of our day is the mundane working, doing laundry, what should I cook for dinner, ask your father for help with your geometry homework kind of stuff. We are not velcro-ed together all day.

    The Marathon of Play and Teasing doesn't happen every day, or every week even, but when it does it's a special time for us to re-center and re-connect with each other. (okay, that sounds corny but it's true.)

  16. Anon, it happens, I remember my wife going through it for some period of time, she felt bad about it , but considering what she had been going through with child birth and breast feeding, it didn't bother me. I'd of felt like a unfeeling pig to push the issue. Making love when she wanted to often resulted in her milk leaking ;~)

  17. Anon-
    Lactation requires dopamine to be suppressed, so that could affect desire. Also, breastfeeding induces oxytocin in the body (natures way of making sure you want to keep the baby), so the oxytocin toward hubby may be less? Not sure about pregnancy, my main knowledge surrounds lactation. Very normal feelings though, and I'm sure your husband would appreciate obligatory sex over no sex. My feelings are that sometimes you have to "fake it til you make it".

    I feel kind of nervous posting this though. I would hate for anyone to take the biology surrounding lactation as a reason not to breastfeed :/ Afterall, what's good for making/caring for healthy children is sexy, right? And breastfeeding is a big part of normal human development.

  18. Here's where I out myself: our child is just over two now. He actually doesn't nurse nearly as often (once every other day?) but one of the rare weeks where my husband and I had sex more than once resulted in my current pregnancy. Another 2-3 years of this? I don't think any man should have to tolerate that much. I'm starting to understand the idea of multiple wives. I just don't have it in me to be childbearing/rearing AND sexual.

  19. My wife kneed me in the side early morning later explaining that I was breathing oddly, trying to wake myself up! After tea, a shower, a boiled egg and toast I realised what she meant! She thought I was jerking off!
    I got the lack of evidence out of the wash basket.
    Work intervened just after I told her that if I was jerking off, her job was to be aware, put her arm round me and help out if needed. This is the last in a series of skirmishes about her lack of input. To be fair we have had a serious family trauma to deal with: we have dealt with it as best we could but it seems to have left her unwilling to take a pro-active part. So, I'm going to use some of the methods developed here, starting this evening.

  20. Jeez, why wait until you're bored before doing this? We are always looking for ways to improve things!

    Mrs. Cuff greeted me with some neck/ear kisses (my weakness) and then, on her way out the door, gave some oral on the garage stairs.

    Bonus: we discovered today that such stairs are the perfect height-leveler, no kneeling necessary.

    Anon: She & I maintained regular sex through 3 children, one breastfed for 2 years. Remember to account for reactive desire – even if you are don't feel like it, be open to having your mind changed. Even if you don't get off, it doesn't necessary count as "duty sex". Duty sex is damaging when one of the partners is determined *not* to like it. You can't have bad duty sex if you happily give it the ol' college try, and are OK if nothing really lights your fire.

  21. Mrs Discontented says:

    I'm definitely going to give this a go, see if it works for me as much as it has for you. Thank you.

Trackbacks

  1. […] I find when I’m starting to mentally wander off from being attracted to her, we play a game of tease and denial where she gives me handjobs, blowjobs, dresses sexier, gets me to bring her to orgasm, ties me up, blindfolds me, sits on my face and wiggle… and even intercourse…. but without letting me come to orgasm several times a day, for several days. It sounds very counter intuitive I know, but it’s an enormous build up of sexual energy and it creates a massive dopamine spike in relation to her. Thus I fall in love with her more. Also the final cumshot is quite spectacular. It’s not an everyday thing, or even every month, but once in a while it’s good. (Check more out on this at my How To Fall Back In Love With Your Wife post.) […]

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