Happy Thanksdoing

When I was little there was a boy who lived up the road and along the next one from me, four or five years older than I was. I don’t remember getting directly bullied by him, but I do remember giving him a very wide berth and thinking he was a bad tempered bastard. We never really had any connection beyond his sister being in my class.
About twenty years ago though, I learned he had died of a brain tumor when he was 26. My feeling then was that he probably deserved some kind of karmic payback, but that karma over delivered by quite a large margin.
As small as our connection was, I do think about him once in a while. Now I’m just appalled by the randomness of it all. It’s one thing being elderly and dying of a brain tumor, but 26 it’s just freakish.
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Of Jennifer’s and my parents, my father was the healthiest and most active. He was racing go-karts very competitvely at 62 years old. As in 3rd in the nationals in his division. I would have bet serious money that he would have been last man standing. He died last year at 65. A bit unlucky is all.
Or maybe he was lucky. He met Mum on a blind date and they were married for 45 years.
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I get email once in a while from someone Jennifer and I very affectionately call “Church Lady”. Church Lady had a wonderful vibrant marriage to a great guy. House, kids, the whole deal. When she talks about him I can feel the same vibe between them as Jennifer and I have between us. She taught marriage classes in her church and was generally the go to girl for advice. Coming home from a business trip though, there was a car accident, and he died.
A few years later she remarried. It’s been a disaster and if even half of what she tells me is true, she needs to leave and leave now. I am willing to put the effort in to helping anyone save their marriage, but with her I have pretty much begged her to divorce him from the get go. But she won’t because of her religious beliefs about divorce and the social shunning that will occur in her church. She no longer teaches marriage classes.
So some wonderful luck and some terrible luck.
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I know a guy who was a wonderfully nice guy, but just a little socially awkward. I’m not sure he had a serious girlfriend in his life before meeting the girl who became his wife. But then she was gone with breast cancer within two years of the wedding. Just appallingly bad luck.
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I worked with a girl for a few years, one of those rare girls that somehow managed to be a party chick, but still have a genuinely warm personality and charm. Driving to work in the morning at 5am she stopped at a red light and was hit from behind at over 60 mph by a drunk driver. She spent two days in the ICU at St. Mary’s and died in a panic stricken anguish at age 25.
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My life primarily involves eating nice food, living in a nice house, spending time with my kids and living with a wonderful woman who loves having sex with me. For sure I’ve put some effort in, but it’s really not bad at all as an outcome.
Jennifer and I have had two brushes with breast cancer scares. We’re 2 for 3 on successful pregnancies. We’ve come close to losing our house twice. These are in retrospect, merely stressful near misses compared to what has happened to others.
I get to teach what I do about marriage, because of Jennifer. I am profoundly grateful for her allowing what she does of her life be discussed on the blog.
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So anyway…

I hope that at age 41 I’m somewhere around the halfway point in my life. I’ve been very lucky about a great many things, I’m very grateful for it, and I would like that to continue…

… I also wish the same good outcomes for you. Though I cannot really offer true spiritual comfort for when bad things happen to good people. I’m limited to things such as making suggestions like keeping the medicine in the downstairs bathroom so you can get to it faster…   (time 5:55 – 9:58)

…my truly sincere apologies if my advice came too late to stop the bad things happening for you. I did take too long to really start writing.

Thanksgiving is usually when people talk about how they are thankful. I would like to think of myself as finally starting to act thankful.

White Knight vs Horny Knight

Jennifer and I were going out for breakfast this morning. We fluffed about in the morning and I had my shower and then she had hers. I’m messing about on the computer waiting for her to be done in the bathroom when she comes barrelling down the hall with her phone to her ear in her high alert / panic mode.
It turns out that instead of going to breakfast with me, she had scheduled an online meeting… ten minutes ago, and now she was (1) late for her meeting (which is utterly bizarre for Jennifer to ever do lol), and (2) standing me up for breakfast.
In the moment I was mostly hungry, but I was slightly annoyed, but also had the “oh yeah I remember she had that meeting now” as well. So in the final analysis I was still hungry.
So I left her to have her meeting.
Due to Connecticut state law requiring that a Dunkin Donuts be placed with a half mile of any traffic light, I arrived at my destination within a few minutes. I ordered coffee and food and made the return journey back home.
Jennifer was still in her meeting of course, and I dropped off a medium Pumpkin coffee light no sugar, and an egg white and sausage on a croissant next to her. In return I received a doey-eyed look of gratitude.
A few minutes later I noticed her glasses on the counter in the bathroom next to her curling iron. Scooped them up and dropped them off to her slightly squinting self. Again she had that look of a three-year-old being given surprise cotton candy.
After that I pretty much ignored her and let her have her meeting. About an hour later she finished up and to her credit she did immediately make a beeline line to me and commenced the cuddling, kissing and thanking. In days gone by, that’s likely where it would end and I would have been happy enough with having been nice to her. She didn’t intend to screw me over, I do enjoy being nice to her.
However, having just shovelled on a metric ton of Beta support and comfort building, all that does is get me to “white knight”. One must maintain a little Alpha and take a slightly more mercenary tone by being a “horny knight”. As such, it’s fair to mention the blowjob I received was quite fantastic.
It’s all about balance.
Jennifer: Some how I knew this was making the blog… You were very nice to me this morning though. (and I didn’t intend to stand you up…I’m on vacation mode…TOTALLY forgot about the meeting…hate that…and hey, you got a blow job out of it, didn’t you?!)

When He Doesn’t Text Back Immediately

I’ll spare you the back and forth, but I got some email from a female reader who was starting to over think things about why her husband was slow to respond to texts…
Athol:  Oh wow, your hamster is going 100mph. You’re having a disproportionate amount of contacts starting from your end, and that’s what’s driving you crazy. If you contact him three times for every once he contacts you, you’re going to get a little nutty about what everything means. He likely has no clue about any of this stuff in your head happening lol.
Let’s make a new rule for you and experiment for a week with it. You can only initiate a text contact with him once a day for a week. But you can respond to his texts for as many times as he sends them.  That should even out the balance.
He’ll text you after a while.
As I recall the golden rule as posed by Roissy is to contact her two times for every three times she contacts you. It’s still fairly constant contact, but makes her work for it (i.e. be emotionally engaged) just a little more. But as you can see a one to three ratio just makes it go from “stimulated” to “starting on the road to batshit crazy”. Specially sensitive as this reader is long distance as well.
I think in a marriage you can contact more frequently than the two to three ratio. Captains can’t actually lead First Officers on a two to three ratio all that easily.

Jennifer on The Fungible Wife

Elhaf said on The Fungible Wife
@Anonymous, I think the beauty of Athol’s blog is that he dares to question whether it is, in fact, always all the man’s fault as you seem to suggest. By following all the steps as outlined above, a man gives himself a chance that if it turns out that some woman somewhere is actually to blame, and that woman is his wife, the man might have a shot at happiness.
If we always assume the woman is a precious snowflake and therefore never at fault, and she can’t control the fact that she doesn’t give the man the one thing that he got married for in the first place, and no matter what the man does it won’t change, where does that get us? Where we’ve always been, bowing down to the almighty women’s needs, meeting them without reciprocation.
Jennifer: I agree, but it’s worse than that. Athol’s advice is harsh but it’s basically realistic. My first gut reaction when I read that post was something to the effect of “Hey, what nasty things are you suggesting that guy should do to his wife?”  But then I thought for a second and realized that if Athol was a woman writing advice for women, no one would think twice about him suggesting a wife should simply dump her husband if he wasn’t doing his share. Athol’s approach is tediously slow to get to the dumping part by comparison to what happens in some relationships.

The Fungible Wife

Reader: So here’s todays issue.  I have been doing everything you told me to do — okay everything you tell everyone to do in your blog and in the book.  One of my favorite plays was to spend some time with a very attractive female friend of mine who has kids.  Added benefit is that the wife does not like her, so it gets her attention when I meet with her…
…It was one of those moments when you think to yourself:  Why am I putting all this bloody effort to seduce the one woman (i.e. the wife) who doesn’t want to be seduced by me?  What the fuck is the point?  I feel lonely with my wife.  I feel like I don’t connect with her anymore, and given the choice I would have preferred to keep talking to the other woman.  I think about divorce more often than I should.  But I have two children…
…Am I falling for another woman, am I falling out of love with my wife, or am I just tired of feeling like a jerk in my own house?  I just don’t know if this is worth all the effort when I could just say I am done and be with someone else in one day.  I know I can.  Women like me, I like women.  What am I fighting for?  If she isn’t interested why should I be?  I feel like I am begging for scraps in one restaurant when I could go next door and have a feast.
Athol: It seems like you’re getting closer to the fork in the road where things either start getting better with your wife, or they start getting worse as the situation starts heading toward a resolution.
The truth of the matter is that for the most part, women are fungible. Meaning one can be replaced with a different one and life can move on ahead much the same as it was. It’s like, as you say, a restaurant where everything sucks, is easily replaceable with a restaurant that doesn’t suck. What really makes one woman more special than another one is our feelings for her.
So if she’s special only to you, but not really anyone else, then she’s not really truly special. If you start thinking someone else is special, and your wife is no longer special, then she will very quickly become uncomfortable about what is happening.  
The one angle where they aren’t 100% fungible is that often they are the mothers of our children, and that complicates things as I’m sure you know.
From your wife’s point of view, the options that are starting to come in focus as being made available to her are either (1) Be a better wife / more positive relationship, or (2) Get shunted off to one side by either your affair or divorce. What she wants is to keep the status quo, but that is vanishing quickly because you need to consent to keep things as they are.
Therefore your wife is going to be terrified that you’re attaching to this other woman. Your sudden emotional response to the fungible factor frightens her further. Your feelings for her are starting to change and that’s whats holding you in the relationship rather than anything she does for you. This may well create the spark that makes her realize what she has in a marriage with you. There’s nothing like a takeaway to make someone suddenly clutch on tight to it and declare how much they want it.
My advice is to keep this relationship with your friend as positive of a friendship as you can. I’m fine with demonstrating the ability to attract another partner, but you do have to keep the moral high ground as best you can or things can get very messy later on.
The fungible approach to women is on one hand very pragmatic and emotionally cold. The idea that a wife could be simply discarded like a broken toilet seat so you can install a new one, is extremely unsettling to women. The old terror of being dumped for a newer model runs deep.
However the flip side of the fungible coin is that is that when a woman knows you can think this way and could actually reasonably easily replace her with a woman of equal or better value, she knows you love her from a position of strength. A “strong man” being an attractive man she can more easily respond to.
But when you stick around because she has what you can’t get anywhere else, you love from a position of weakness. And she knows that, so it’s a turn off.