Man About The House

Lest anyone think Jennifer and I have anything other than normal lives, here’s what I did this afternoon/evening….
Our living room is quite wide and we’ve always had a slightly weird furniture arrangement just to fill up the space. The computers on the table against the right wall, the two sofas in the middle with a coffee table and the TV, and then on the left wall a third sofa in a sort of a reading nook that no one particularly uses.
The main trouble is that now the girls are older, we have four people that want to be using a computer, and we have only room for two. We can do a work around for a third one by balancing it on top of a half size book-shelf but you have to stand up to use it. Just no-where for a fourth one to even go.
So anyway, I order a thirty foot cable wire off Amazon…
The computers against the right wall got moved out of the way, and the sofas, coffee table and TV all shuffled to the right, and the sofa from the nook is now on the right wall of the living room.
The nook thereby gained a lot of extra space, and all the computers have moved all the way over there (that’s what I needed the cable extension for) into what is now looking like a very cool LAN party. Flat screen monitors save so much space that we can actually get four computers running on the same table we’ve always had.
All that moving about took about three hours of reshuffling furniture, disconnecting and reconnecting computers, and an awful lot of vacuuming up several years of dropped snacks. The kids pretty much hovered and helped through the whole thing.
So anyway, here’s the score…
$15 of wire.
Sofas Now In Use +1
Computer Space +2
Excited Kids +2
Comfortable Nest Building Beta  +1
Making Something Happen Alpha +1
Jennifer and I had already talked about moving things around, so it wasn’t a total surprise. But when she left to go grocery shopping, I was still in my PJ’s. She came back to the project in motion, which is a surprise of sorts.
So all in all it was fun, and I feel pumped for completing a little project so quickly. Task completion is energizing. Just try finishing off something you’re been waiting to complete for a while. High energy is sexy.
Jennifer: It was very nice to come home to a family project happening. Didn’t cost anything but the wire!

The Alpha + Beta Relationship Frame

This is a very simple way of thinking about your overall approach to being in a marriage.
The Alpha side of the equation is your demands and expectations of the relationship, that you are putting on your wife. One possibility is the demand that she will stay emotionally connected to you as her primary relationship interest and have a vibrant sex life with you.
“Demands and expectations” can sound like an offensive approach, but when you consider how many wives are simply bored to tears of their husbands for his total lack of leadership qualities, reasonable demands and expectations are in reality quite positive.
The Beta side of the equation is what you bring to the table and offer her as a husband. That could be emotional support, income, affection, parenting of the children and so on. This is the security and comfort side of things.
The potential weakness to the Beta angle is that you offer it blindly and without receiving anything in return. All the demands and expectations are placed on you, and when you understand that you control the relationship frame as the husband (because most women respond sexually to men rather than seek a sexual response from a man), you’ll understand that all the demands and expectations are placed on you… by you.
So the all Alpha approach sums to “All Take, No Give”, and the all Beta approach sums to “All Give, No Take.” Thus the wisdom of the Alpha+Beta approach makes sense because of the mutual give and take arrangement.
Because the husband controls the frame, it’s important to frame the relationship correctly. So for the husbands making the demand that the wife lay him like tile and generally be his personal sex toy (Alpha), that should always be balanced with her being made to feel very secure in the relationship, genuinely loved and wanted (Beta).
So as long as she holds up her end of the marriage, she should have complete assurance that you will hold up yours. If she starts slacking off on her end, she should have an expectation that you will have a problem with it. So it’s the old Tit for Tat thing. But you’re the one that sets that frame.
Jennifer: This is something Athol is very good at. For all his sexual energy and impulse I have a deep trust in him to do the right thing. It makes giving myself to him easy.
 

Don’t Model Sexual Dysfunction

Reader comment on Church Lady and Orginial Sin.
Reader: Now, there is one slight technical matter I will address. I feel Athol’s description of semen buildup may be overstated. I am not a doctor, and can only speak from my experience. I have a very high drive, and masturbated near daily from puberty until just a few years ago. I had a desire to quit in my early 20s, as I could tell it interfered with having sex with my girlfriend. However, as I only saw her once a month (different city), it was simply too long in between, and I continued masturbating unabated. So far, this fits with Athol’s description.
However, around the time I joined the Church, I finally managed to quit. Since then, I am not having sex, I am not masturbating, but I have only had wet dreams very sporadically, with 6-8 month gaps. It is not like I am lacking in stimulation, as every weekday I am on a college campus full of attractive women in the 18-25 range, and I also see and touch (just hugs, kisses, and back massage, no sex) my fiance every day who I am very attracted to. So, to make a long story short, while infrequent sex with your husband will definitely increase the probability that he masturbates, it is not a physiological guarantee in the way Athol says.
Athol: I think you’re confusing a good thing, with potentially a quite bad thing. Masturbation is normal sexual behavior and designed to remove aging sperm from the male in order to allow room for fresh new sperm/semen.
What you’re essentially claiming is that your body no longer produces any particular volume of semen. Going 6-8 months between ejaculations is highly sexually dysfunctional, and while you see this is as a good thing, there may be an underlying medical issue at work that makes this feat even possible. Most men only having that level of sexual function, would be going to doctors to try and find a fix to the problem.
Like most things, the old saying of “use it, or lose it” applies to sexual fitness. You are laboring under the assumption that once you marry, your physical ability to have sex will return to a normal level of sexual function. It simply may not happen as you hope, or it may take a few years.
I can very much assure you that women react extremely poorly to male sexual dysfunction in their first few sexual encounters with a man. Wives dealing with a broken cock husband in the opening of the marriage, may simply not care to stick around for too long at worst, or have it set a tone of a negative sexual pattern that continues into the marriage.
I strongly recommend you find out if you are still capable of producing sperm of any volume and find out if you’re now also having a fertility issue as well. Not having night time ejaculations makes me curious as to if you have an orgasmic disorder as well, or simply a total lack of semen production.
My very strong advice to your fiance, would be to not marry you until she could be assured of your ability to return to normal sexual function.
Jennifer: Seriously. OMG.

Church Lady And The Original Sin

The comments in Sexy Move: Not Until Tonight took a strange left turn with a new anonymous commenter. It started off with…

What about a list for women who find all of 1-10 above far too disgusting, degrading or whorish to consider, never mind perform?

Honestly I just figured it was a troll, so the first thing that popped into my head was to suggest chloroforming yourself and leaving a note that said “Do what you must.”

As more comments were left, I also became pissed off. Despite repeated denials that she was calling Jennifer a whore, she keep insisting she acted like one. Which is like saying “I didn’t call you a thief, I just said you steal things.”

But as the comments went on and on, my feeling started to change, perhaps this is someone who is has profoundly shackled her sexuality for decades, and missed out on so very much enjoyment. It’s just such a big step between where she is and what I write about, that it seems an impossible chasm to jump across. So what I’m going to do, is dredge through your comments and questions, and answer them all as best I can….

What about a list for women who find all of 1-10 above far too disgusting, degrading or whorish to consider, never mind perform?

My suggestion is to sit down with your husband, and ask him if there is just one thing you guys haven’t done together, that he would like. Then be comfortable in your discomfort, and do it. Just ask for one thing. When you get that down, ask for a second thing.

I never masturbate, and I find the thought of my husband doing so abhorrent.

The first I believe. However men have a constant build up of semen happening, and that is either eventually released via sex, masturbation, or night time ejaculations while he sleeps. It’s usually going to need to happen one way or the other about once a week. So as long as you are having some combination of sex and massive wet spots in the bed about four times a month, it is possible that he is not masturbating. Otherwise, he is masturbating with some kind of regular frequency.

Or put another way, most men make about 1 tsp of semen a day as a sort of a low average. So if you had sex once a month, and he didn’t have any kind of sexual release between sex acts, you should expect his ejaculate to be a bit over half a cup in volume. If this is the case, I don’t advise oral sex as it really will be like trying to drink from the firehose.

Oral sex is revolting – why would anyone want to put a man’s penis in their mouth?

Because it’s quite enjoyable to have your penis being sucked on. Because many women get enjoyment out of pleasuring their man, they like doing it. Some women like the feeling of power over the man when he can’t control himself from orgasming with her that way.

The thought of him smelling of my vaginal secretions afterwards is nauseating, and what sort of message does it send to anyone else who smells them on him?

Pussy has the most amazing smell. With the right woman it is both somewhat hypnotic and arousing. It is a wildly attractive smell to men and completely designed to appeal to them. Obviously after a while it builds up to “smelling funky” if you don’t have regular showers, but otherwise it’s simply amazing.

Do you often notice the smell of vagina on men in your regular life? What do you think of them when you notice it? Do you say anything?

This doesn’t exist in normal marriages, only in the realms of pornography.

No it happens in many normal marriages.

I am not a troll. I assume that because my normal views are at odds with what is written here you think I am?

Again, your views aren’t nearly as normal as you think.

Men urinate through their penises. How can having one in ones mouth be anything other than disgusting?

Urine is sterile as long as he doesn’t have a UTI. There’s vastly more germs and nastiness happening in your mouth. Maybe you should be asking why he would put a clean penis into your dirty mouth. Your hands go all kinds of nasty places and you probably put those in your mouth once in a while without thinking about it.

The idea that a man should think he can be allowed to do so shows he has no regard for a woman, and expects her to degrade herself for his gratification.

Ah… no. Quite a lot of women like giving oral sex. It’s not degrading. In fact she has all the power when she has his penis in her mouth, the human jaw is quite strong enough to inflicit a “career ending injury” on a man, so she’s very much in control.

I never undress in front of my husband – the idea of him leering at me as I remove my clothes disgusts me. Him slobbering like some animal makes my skin crawl.

Now we’re getting to to the core of it. You are both animals and share 99% of the same DNA as chimps. Human sexual response is hard wired and normal. Your husband wanting to look at you naked is something he is designed to do. His sexual interest in you is normal and natural.

Why would I dangle my breasts in his mouth? He is not an infant that needs to be fed.

The breasts are an erogenous area of the body for the woman, and a visual and tactile turn on for the man. By playfully forcing me to pay attention to them, Jennifer is provoking my sexual interest in her. It’s hot.

The whole premise here seems to be that a woman is no more than a toy to be used to appease a man’s lusts, no matter how unnatural or perverse.

Oh I don’t deny that I am sexually demanding of Jennifer. Like most women she responds positively to playful sexual domination.

These are the sort of acts men seek out whores for, not things they should demand that they be allowed to subject their wives to.

Well whores come in a lot of sizes these days….

Beyond basic sexual release, the selling point of the highest quality sex workers is the GFE, or Girlfriend Experience. The GFE is essentially a faked emotional connection to the man, where she pretends to be interested in him and genuinely sexually responsive to him. To actually get a sex worker to act like Jennifer does for me, would require thousands of dollars a night. Maybe tens of thousands.

At the low end of the sex worker scale, it’s a no frills road to getting the man to orgasm and ending the sexual encounter as quickly as possible with no illusion of her enjoying it.

So there’s simply a scale of sexual skill and sensuality at work for both whores and wives. It’s up to you which end of the scale you want to be on.

I cannot understand why women would apparently willingly do these things. Are they actually willing, or are they so afraid of the reaction of their husband that they undertake these actions out of fear of the consequences (divorce, abandonment?)

I gotta tell you, Jennifer feels sorry for you for what you’ve missed out on enjoying with your husband.

My husband and I share a deep level of intimacy regarding our beliefs, feelings, aspirations and dreams without having to be perverted.

Then why are you here if everything is so great?

Athol, how am I “oppressing” my husband? He shares my beliefs, views and opinions. Do you see me as somehow restricting by “limiting” his sexual expression to what reasonable people would do?

Yes I do see you as restrictive. He can’t even see you naked for goodness sake. One or two ejaculations a month? In some states actual prisoners get more conjugal visits than he has sex with you.

What does she achieve by placing herself in such a degraded, submissive position, allowing a man to use her as a vessel for lust?

Fabulous orgasms?

You’re throwing in the words degraded and lust. These are moral judgments that I believe are only based on your religious viewpoint, so naturally I don’t consider them at all useful to think about. Submission is a wifely requirement in the Bible, so you’ll have to take up the degrading aspect of submission with God I suppose. It’s not my religion of course, but I am familiar with the text in question.

She receives no sexual gratification by doing so, so the act is totally one-sided, quite apart from the negative physical and mental hygiene issues that arise from it.

This is your selfishness at work. Sometimes you can do something for someone else, without getting as immediate reward for it. It’s called doing something nice for someone. Furthermore, quite obviously the husband can return any and all sexual favors to the wife. There’s nothing we can do sexually as a couple that I’ve ever denied Jennifer.

What the heck is mental hygiene? It sounds like you’re worried you’re going to come down with a bad case of… ideas.

Having a man leer at my body, his lust barely contained like some animal in a field revolts me – we are not beasts, but something higher.

Again… we’re 99% the same as chimps. So while we are perhaps 1% higher than them, I’m not sure that really gets us in a position to claim we aren’t heavily influenced by our “animal” DNA.

Also your plain disgust is why your husband hides his masturbation from you.

We indulge in intercourse once or twice per month, rarely more and seldom less, obviously not simply for procreation.

So that’s around 18 times a year. The clinical definition of a sexless marriage is only doing it 10 times a year. You are fairly close to that, you’re explaining to us all that your sex life is in fact well below average and bordering on clinically dysfunctional.

Incidentally, it would be very interesting to track when those tiny handful of sex acts occur. My hunch is it’s around your ovulation time primarily. Which would be your “animal nature” asserting itself.

My husband and I are both Anglican but our families were Methodist. Our views on sexual matters are similar: we have discussed the matter and feel that the practices described here (and in fairness elsewhere too) are degrading, demeaning, unhygienic and pander to bestial natures.

Oh wait… so you simply showed up in the comments to complain and troll?

In the view of the church, the ideal is to avoid all sexual contact if at all possible. Knowing that this was functionally impossible, it was considered that marriage, where sex was contained and control, was the less of two evils (better than fornication), but not withstanding the guidance to not refuse except by mutual consent, it was a way of reducing the negative consequences of lust, not to direct lust. Lust is a sin.

…aaaaaaaaaaand your entire problem with anyone else enjoying their sex life is your particular religious beliefs that sex and sin are essentially joined at the hip. This pretty much dooms you to having a miserable sex life as every sexual engagement with your husband is a reminder of having to settle for the sordid lesser of two evils. You’re morally required to minimize your fun.

Now seriously….

….you don’t really believe that God made man and woman, told them to go forth and multiply, made doing the multiplying physically wonderful, then also made the ruling that doing the act of multiplying was evil and they shouldn’t do it. But if they really couldn’t stop themselves from multiplying, they should get married and the multiplying thing would just be not so evil, and more like just kind of disappointing to God.

Do you see how that particular facet of belief is going to ruin your sex life?

Newsflash: Sex Blogger Is Needy

Jennifer replies to a question on How To Fall Back In Love With Your Wife
I’m surprised Jennifer doesn’t view you as needy and smothering when you’re touching her all the time. Jennifer, be honest…do you ever view his desire and need for constant attention from another as a weakness?
Jennifer: Lol, yes the sex blogger is sexually needy…but in a good way! He is more sexually high maintenance than many other men, but I’ve known that for all of our almost-17-year marriage. The needy-ness isn’t a turn off, it’s him letting me know that he is paying attention to me, he wants me and he is into me. I’m not smothered or annoyed…we are both touchy-feely people. We naturally like to hug, kiss, get a quick back rub, and yes have a little grope when the kids aren’t around. This is part of how we connect with each other and show that we love each other.

Also, you hear about 10% of our day, the sexy lovey-dovey part. 90% of our day is the mundane working, doing laundry, what should I cook for dinner, ask your father for help with your geometry homework kind of stuff. We are not velcro-ed together all day.

The Marathon of Play and Teasing doesn’t happen every day, or every week even, but when it does it’s a special time for us to re-center and re-connect with each other. (okay, that sounds corny but it’s true.)