When He Doesn’t Text Back Immediately

I’ll spare you the back and forth, but I got some email from a female reader who was starting to over think things about why her husband was slow to respond to texts…
Athol:  Oh wow, your hamster is going 100mph. You’re having a disproportionate amount of contacts starting from your end, and that’s what’s driving you crazy. If you contact him three times for every once he contacts you, you’re going to get a little nutty about what everything means. He likely has no clue about any of this stuff in your head happening lol.
Let’s make a new rule for you and experiment for a week with it. You can only initiate a text contact with him once a day for a week. But you can respond to his texts for as many times as he sends them.  That should even out the balance.
He’ll text you after a while.
As I recall the golden rule as posed by Roissy is to contact her two times for every three times she contacts you. It’s still fairly constant contact, but makes her work for it (i.e. be emotionally engaged) just a little more. But as you can see a one to three ratio just makes it go from “stimulated” to “starting on the road to batshit crazy”. Specially sensitive as this reader is long distance as well.
I think in a marriage you can contact more frequently than the two to three ratio. Captains can’t actually lead First Officers on a two to three ratio all that easily.


  1. Ah Athol depends on what she texts.

    If she says this.

    I was just thinking about how you ….. me so good last night.. Wow just getting … thinkin' about it. I just wanna …. your ….. and I WANNA DO IT NOW! How about coming home and giving me . …. good ….

    She will get an immediate response.. Hey, works for me every time.. Sometimes he even comes home. :)


  2. Yup, that included, Kath, which is why I was thinking something was wrong!!

  3. alphapersona says:

    I firmly believe in the 2:3 ratio (Shameless Plug), but 1:3 is a little ridiculous. Actually, I can see using that if you want to purposefully drive a girl away lol I used to count texts and make sure I was 2:3, I'd proof every text a few times to make sure it wasn't "too beta" – oh the things we do when we're young.

    What helped me the most with my text game was becoming unattached from my phone. Now it usually does take me upwards of 20 minutes to reply, and I don't always reply to each text. The reason? I typically leave my phone in another room and just don't give a damn.

    This guy could be doing the same thing! As leader of his household I'm sure he's dealing with important things and just sometimes forgets to check his phone.

  4. Talking 12 hrs here, not 20 minutes. But, yes, I do support putting down the damned phone. Athol's approach is already working.

  5. Not only is it working for me, but i'm getting some "where are you" msgs. Not that I want to run alpha on him, but it's telling me i'm being heard.

  6. The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful says:

    Or he could be sleeping with strippers. Yes, I'm the Greek chorus.

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