Wife Masturbates During The Day. Good or Bad?

Reader Email:  Hi Athol, You’ve nailed down some great principles for creating a more attractive, thrilling marriage. I’ve seen great results, not only in my 9-year marriage, but in interactions with co-workers too.
I have a question. I’m happy having it discussed on the blog (anonymously) and was planning on just leaving a comment, but I didn’t want to hijack the post since my comment has nothing to do with your latest post. My wife and I have sex about 6 times a week and it’s a great sex life. She has in the last year started to masturbate, partly encouraged by me, to feel more sexual and increase libido. It’s now a daily occurrence with a vibrator while I’m at work. I have no complaints about our sex life, or even the masturbating, but I’m wondering if I’m hurting myself by encouraging this because it may weaken her associations of orgasms/pleasure to me since she’s frequently experiencing them separate from me now.  She states that she makes a conscious effort to focus and fantasize on me and us during the solo time and doesn’t use porn or other sources of erotica.  Does your wife think there could be any concerns of growing to accustomed to the vibrator?
Athol:  As long as there’s no problem with her becoming over stimulated / worn out with all the sex and masturbation, then there’s no problem.
The human body does know the difference between masturbation and having sex, so what’s going on here is more of the testosterone / sex drive hormone rather than the dopamine or oxytocin one.
Most women have orgasms more easily and stronger orgasms the more orgasms they have. So your wife is just very sexually fit. It’s use it or lose it, and she’s using it and got it. Sounds like a win.
Jennifer:  As long as she’s still having orgasms with you, rather than just during the day, it’s fine. If you’re having sex six times a week with her, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong!


  1. Chuck says

    you have a very sexual wife. you should be happy she has such a high sex drive maybe you could find a way to sneak home during the day to increase your weekly sessions. seems like she would be into it.

  2. Thunder says

    Interesting topic.
    My wife NEVER masturbates.
    I figured that was normalish behavior but now I'm not so sure…

  3. Looking Glass says

    So, legitimate concern or legitimate concern wrapped with a bit of anonymous Grand Standing? :)

    More seriously, sounds like a good thing with just a different risk profile for problems. You're at much less risk of "bored wife syndrome" and far more of a risk of "I want to screw SOMETHING" wife syndrome. A rarer disorder but one that cane exist, if you aren't hitting it a lot.

    Though, since you have a borderline nympho wife, you better be the happiest and most exhausted man at your work. :)

  4. Anonymous says

    Hi there. Just wanted to add a woman's perspective.
    I totally agree with Athol — that you should be happy. But I think I can tell you why: women, unlike men, don't have this physical "thing" that "tells" us we need "it" (ie, ejaculate building up). But we actually still have that need. Without a physical "alarm clock" like ejaculate, there's nothing to alert us and say "you need to relieve some pressure".
    I think that it's very easy for us women to neglect this outlet, like "oh, I need to pick up the kids, I'll do 'it' later" or "masturbate or cook dinner and clean? Hmmm. I guess I better cook…" Men, you kinda have to make time.
    I notice that if I don't make special time, I can get cranky. At first, I don't know why. It's ethereal. Then it hits me, "oh, I haven't done 'that' in a while". I do it and feel much better!
    Also, this might be TMI for regular conversation, but because you asked about wifely masturbation, I'm assuming that you'd like to know (and because I'm also posting this as anonymous! LOL), I would be cautious about the vibrator. I know, a lot of women would kill me, but (and here's the TMI…) I masturbated for as long as I can remember – before I even knew what it was! In college, I got a vibrator. Since then, I have a love/hate relationship. Yes, it's extremely intense (and awesome). But for me (and I stress "for me"), the payback is that I notice reduced sensitivity. It got to the point where I had a hard time doing it au naturale. So I stopped and it returned to normal.Now I only use it during ovulation, where my body can accept a bit harder stimulation without any drawbacks. So just keep your eye out – if she seems harder to please sexually, don't necessarily chalk it up to too much masturbating. It could be simply too much vibrator. You want her to keep masturbating (for a girl, that fuels your 6-day-a-week habit. Aren't we lucky! It's the opposite for you guys!), you just want to keep her sensitive.

  5. Anonymous says

    Sounds like there's nothing wrong with your wife having a little fun if she's still with you 6 times a week! Masturbation is as much a stress releiever for us ladies as it is for the men!!!

  6. Original Poster says

    OP here. Thanks for the responses. Very helpful. Especially from the women commenters. My main concern was with the vibrator more than anything. Like the commenter above, I just worry a bit about her losing sensitivity. I'd appreciate hearing more opinions from other female commenters about the vibrator/sensitivity loss issue. To the above commenter who said she lost some sensitivity, did it take a while to return?

  7. LadyGrace says

    I wish my husband was cool with this! As it is, I have to be sneaky and since he works at home, my opportunities only come up about once every two months or so. Sometimes I just want to get off and not have to worry about what anyone else wants.

  8. hans says

    Just like wifey has no buiz in controlling male fap time, so of course doesn´t hubby.

    LadyGrace, you´re totally doing it wrong.
    Stop wearing undies and start wearing short things around the house.
    Ben-Wa balls, remote controlled bullet vibes, etc.
    Give hubby the remote.

    Start cleaning house vigorously around him ..
    .. forget if you´re coming or going. ;)

    I don´t care what type of indoctrination your man has gone through, but I seriously disbelieve he will object seeing you lying there drooling and crosseyed.

    Maybe it´s a German thing but I just am not getting these hangups about masturbation. :S

  9. LadyGrace says

    Okay, just because he works at home, doesn't mean I do – I get home 10 minutes before # 1 son. I am usually sweaty and exhausted when I get home and by the time I get cleaned up, our oldest is home from high school (doesn't leave much time for pantiless housekeeping!), then # 2 son gets home and we go into the homework/dinner/bedtime spiral. Before I was working full-time, I tried to claim some me-time (while he is pounding tirelessly at the computer keyboard). He was okay with it in theory, but when I actually "did" it, he freaked out. Athol – I would love to take advantage of bathtime (in fact, my hubby has encouraged me to do that), but I am 5'10" and our tub makes me feel like an Amazon woman! Either my legs can be in the water or my chest can be in the water, but never both. It is not relaxing or sexy in any way. No matter how I dim the lights or how many candles I light, I never succeed at feeling sexy in the bath.

  10. Anonymous says

    I've had a similar situation to the original poster. If the vibrator is starting to make it harder for her to come from less intense stimulation, how would I approach the topic? Suggest that she start masturbating with hands? I worry she'd want to push back and feel encroached upon. Any suggestions?? Women, how would you feel if husband asked you to keep up the masturbating but cut back the vibe?

  11. Anonymous says

    Hi, Original Poster. This is the woman who said that the vibrator made her sensitive. To answer your question, it didn't take long at all. I'd say a week to notice an improvement and possibly a month or 2 to get totally back to normal. Using it every once-in-a-while doesn't affect me at all, esp during ovulation.
    And for LadyGrace, that's so sad. That sounds like a very unknowledgabel or insecure man.

  12. camilla says

    To those ‘concerned’ their wives are masturbating. What is the big deal? Its not being unfaithful, its not harmful, it has benefits and its free. Compare to having an afair(unfaithful) or drinking/smoking(bad for health and waste of money) or watching tv (no benefit to heart) or eathing snacks (cost and weight issues). I used to smoke but gave it up and started snacking and piled on pounds. I am a stay home homemaker and i discovered masturbation as a substitue ‘vice’ i had always masturbated at times but have got into 3 or 4 times during the day between family going out and kids home. It takes maybe 30 to 45 mins out of my day which is nothing compared to what tv or smoking did and i feel more energised so i achieve more at home and am a happier mum and wife. I still make love most nights and hubby has no complaints so where is the harm??

  13. camilla says

    Just to add that i am talking 10 minute quickies with the Hitachi. No big routine or prep and often just skirt up or jeans down to knees to do it. Probably a lot less time than boiling a kettle making coffee and sitting to drink it.

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