How To Not Be Affected By Her Anger

Reader:  So how do I get myself to not let her anger effect me?
Athol:  You’re confusing your feelings with your actions.
Feeling full of guilt and stomach churning desire to comfort her, you just say, “That didn’t work, my bad, I’m going to give you some space to sort it out.” and then you walk away and give her space.
While you give her space, you exist in a maelstrom of dread that you have ruined everything and your marriage is over.
Then she comes back to you acting better and more interested in you. You are stunned and don’t really understand why that is so.
Life continues on a little better than before.
You can feel one way and act another. I mean we’ve all wanted to use the Darth Vader force grip power on someone and choke them to death at some point in our lives, but that’s just a feeling. Doesn’t mean we actually do it – an action. So you can feel like you have to coddle up to your wife, but you don’t have to do it.
See how it goes.

Comments

  1. Looking Glass says:

    Unlike you, Athol, I will force choke an Admiral, when he has failed me for the last time. :)

    As to the post, it's really no different than managing Fear. You hold yourself to what you *need* to do and exit the situation as soon as possible. Which is just basic self-defense principles.

  2. What if you try to give her space and she follows you?

  3. To anonymous 11:12 AM,

    Then that means you kinda won and you have the power to influence her and her decisions. In my opinion, women don't follow a man they lost respect for. On the other hand, if she's just following you to further verbally abuse and demean you, then you need to stop that immediately by telling her it's not okay for her to talk to you like that. As Athol has more or less said in previous post, don't give her attention when it's not deserved.

  4. Whether it's at work, or at home, being a leader frequently requires you to distinguish what someone wants versus what they need. It's easy to be the nice boss at work, and never the hardass…at least in the short-term. But that's bad for the company, and ultimately bad for your employees as well. The same goes at home. Wanting to be compassionate with your wife when she's upset is normal. But it's not always what she needs.

  5. To follow up what Ryan said:

    When you tell a woman that is spun up that you won't be talked to like that, expect a verbal barrage from the Rationalization Hamster, "you do worse", "you're not worthy", etc. etc.

    Own anything you did wrong but don't let up.

    "You talked to the children like this once."
    "Yes, I did. It was wrong and so is this."

    Don't take responsibility for things you didn't do.

    "You always talk to bank tellers like that."
    "No I don't and I don't want you to talk to me like this."

    Finally, don't ever expect an admission of wrongdoing from your woman if she is spun up. Hold your ground both physically and verbally. When she quits the field of battle (leaves the room), you have won. She may throw a parting shot over her shoulder. Don't worry about it. She left.

  6. It's easy to say (and I've said it many times) but harder to do.

    Last night, after a week of me slipping into a reprisal of Beta Max Man, my wife did something extremely rude and callous. I subsequently called her out on her behavior. She started the water works. I tried to hold firm but then I got fitness tested big time. I failed miserably. Then to top it off I comforted her because she was upset. Double fail!

    The only positive is that this morning I recognized what had happened and I'm pretty confident I'll see it coming next time.

  7. @Evan

    I can relate. I've promised myself so many times that I won't let her get to me next time she gets upset. Then I let myself try to talk her out of being upset and its over from there. I know she has an emotional stranglehold on me when this happens and its not good for either of us. Its just so much more difficult than it seems it should be to handle this situation the right way which is to just leave it alone.

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