Two Million Page Views

Kids are at the grandparents, so tonights post is short as I have other plans lol.
Hit two million page views a day or so ago, so thanks to all for reading. It’s a quite surreal number to look at. Nice to have hit it just before the two year mark of the blog.
Love, sex and happiness to all.
See you tomorrow.

Hooker Math and the L-Spot

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post “Work The L-Spot: She Will Beg You For More“:
Anon:  I ran the experiment… I hope it turns out better for the above Anon.
I do the laundry, sex once every 10-20 days.
I don’t do the laundry, sex once every 10-20 days.
I also normally clean the 2.5 bathrooms (98% of the time), the kitchen (90% of the time), do the dishes (90% of the time), vacuum once a week (95% of the time), keep the kid’s room cleaned up (90% of the time), take the dog for exercise (100% of the time – even though she promised to do it every single day), outside stuff like lawn care and snow stuff I handle (100% of the time) for a short list of the things I currently do, along with working a full-time job.
She works a full-time job as well. Her “home job” is the laundry, she washes and dries, sometimes folds and very rarely puts it away (90% of the time). She makes the kids lunches (90% of the time).
Anyways… me doing more or less sees no change in the amount of sex we have.
Athol:  Holy Charwoman Batman!
Okay, you’re already over doing it on the domestic chore routine, and it’s not working, so adding yet more chores isn’t going to work any better. You’re way over on the Beta side of things and very likely lacking Alpha, so the solution isn’t to add yet more Beta, but to up the Alpha.
It sounds like you’re putting in about 40-60 hours a month of around the house work and getting laid twice on average. So the “Hooker Math” comes out to about 25 hours effort per time getting laid. So 25 hours x your hourly rate = cost per time getting laid. So it’s cynical I know, but it when it’s a more cost effective use of your time to simply hire maids and hookers than have a wife, things aren’t going very well. It’s quite possible that her vagina is starting to price itself out of your market.
My first approach would be to start asking her to complete tasks, and get the children assigned to the tasks they can do as well. see how far that gets you. I would completely stop cleaning the kids rooms if they are of an age they can do it themselves.
My hunch though is that you are fairly deep into the Nice Guy / Too Beta zone and have some work to dig yourself out of the hole you are in. So start running the MAP and getting yourself together. Pick some of the Alpha Trait stuff to work on rather than the Beta ones.
Also as an aside before anyone in Vaginaland gets too upset – if both the husband and wife are pulling their weight in the relationship, and there’s a decent amount of sex happening, the Hooker Math adds up to a proof that the marriage is in fact a really good deal for the couple.

Do Whatever Works

Reader:  Is it really about the laundry getting done or you personally working the “nest”. I mean, my time is really valuable and is better spent on other things while I could hire someone to do the laundry cheaper. But, if it’s actually about me doing it that gets her going, I’ll do it lol…
Athol: Run an experiment and see what works best. If getting in a little extra help makes her respond best, then great. If watching you pick up a little more works best, then do that.
There’s no prizes for doing everything exactly as I suggest, and frankly I suggest so many potential things for you to do that there’s no possible way any one man could do them all the time. The core of my advice is simply to get into motion and be actively self-improving with what you do.
I’ve said often before that in terms of the bedroom, only 30% of what you try will really work for a couple. So if you try ten new things, seven of them won’t be all that great, but the three that do work, will change things for the better forever. So you have to push your boundaries and experiment together.
It’s the same thing outside the bedroom. Maybe the L-Spot really gets her excited and happy. Maybe it’s cooking for her. Maybe it’s playing with the kids. Maybe it’s just telling her to drop everything and go out somewhere new. You just have to keep experimenting with things to see what works. Be active and in motion.
Even then, after a while of doing something that does work, it will start being less effective. We all adapt to things very quickly. So just like “muscle confusion” training in something like P90X, you need to keep trying new things and recycling the old ones that worked. Rinse and repeat.
I mean I can do a superb roast chicken that’s crazy easy to cook… but I don’t serve it everyday.

The 10,000 Hour Rule

I promised a counterpoint to yesterday’s post “Work On Your Weak Areas First“.
Most of us have something we’re really good at and it’s tempting to keep working on that one area of goodness, rather than working on our weak areas and bringing ourselves into a composite balance of goodness. If you’re in fairly decent shape, wearing fairly decent clothes, with a fairly decent job, in a fairly decent house, and you have fairly decent personal interactions with your wife, that whole package adds up to pretty damn good.
However…
If you have something that you can do, that is truly exceptional, you can go in the opposite direction and seek to completely excel in that one thing. The intent and hope being that your excellence in that one area is so profound, that it effectively covers all your other weak areas.
This is in fact what most boys imagine themselves doing “when they grow up”. We all want to be professional baseball players, astronauts, rock stars and in my case, the reincarnation of Sir Edmund Hillary conquering Mt. Everest et al. (Which is awkward in that he was still alive when I was little.)
The catch is you really have to excel at something, there isn’t usually any benefit to being “almost excellent” at something. As an example, getting on your college football team is nice, but you have to make the NFL for the real payoff. Dropping out of med school a year before becoming a doctor is called failing, not “almost succeeding”.
The other half of the catch is you have to practice like crazy. As in you should mentally allocate around 10,000 hours of practice to turn your natural gifts, into practical honed skill that breaks you into the big leagues of whatever it is that you do so well. Or put another way, plan for twenty hours of effort a week for ten years to hit the 10,000 hour mark.
The 10,000 hours comes from research done by Anders Ericsson in the early 1990s. He and his team divided students into three groups ranked by excellence at the Berlin Academy of Music and then correlated achievement with hours of practice. They discovered that the elite all had put in about 10,000 hours of practice, the good 8,000 and the average 4,000 hours. Then after applying it to excellence in other disciplines, the 10,000 hour mark proved to be the key to unlocking the very top tiers of skill.
The hope being once you are at that top tier of skill, you have enough status and make enough money that all your problems with women are reduced to plucking one (or lots) out of your legion of admiring fans and having her meet all your… whims.
The payoff can be huge, but it is a very risky strategy. There’s always a cohort of other guys trying just as hard as you to be “the guy”, and it can only take a bit of bad luck and a nasty injury and there’s no hope for a professional career anymore.
So for 99%+ of us, we’re regular guys and the composite plan is a better option than trying to break into being an awesome stand-up comedian for too many years. In part it sounds like I’m telling you to shelve your dreams and just head back to the grind at the office, and there is an element of truth to that. But if you enjoy an activity, there’s no reason you can’t keep doing it for as long as you like and enjoy it. Don’t stop enjoying playing a round of golf simply because you can’t quite make the pro-tour cut. Don’t stop painting because the galleries aren’t calling for your art.
Don’t stop doing the fun stuff.

Work On Your Weak Areas First

Jason had an excellent question on yesterday’s post.
Jason: Would it be fair to say that whatever is your “glaring” issue, is the one that needs to be worked on. Say I were in decent shape, but underemployed, relative to my wife. Is that “the” issue that’s putting our sex life and relationship at risk (and the one to focus on)?
Athol: The short answer is “yes” you should absolutely work on whatever your glaring issue is. It’s going to give you your quickest gains.
The explanation of why that is so, is a little longer.
Let’s assume that say you’re a basic good guy with a great job pulling in say $100,000 a year as your primary selling point as a husband, but you’re 50 pounds overweight, and that’s your primary weakness. If you decide to do “more of what works”, you might work an extra one or two hours a day and bust your ass up into a promotion and make $120,000 a year, but still be fat. The extra $20,000 is going to be nice, but it isn’t really going to make your wife all that more excited sexually about you. It’s a lot of effort for a slight improvement. But if you instead spent the extra time working out and getting in shape, now you’re going to be a fit guy making $100,000 a year, and that’s going to get much better results.
The opposite would hold true as well. Imagine now you’re an in shape guy stuck in a crappy job making $24,000 a year. If you keep doing “more of what works”, you might have to work crazy hard in the gym to get even more in shape, but still be making crappy money. It’s a minor plus. But if you hold the exercise steady and maintain what you have, and make a push to educate yourself / get promoted, up to a $40,000 job, that extra $16,000 a year is going to be huge.
There’s a law of diminishing returns on self-improving on any one area of your life. Whether that’s physical fitness, dressing, income, help around the house, being cocky and funny, or anything… the more you do it, the harder it becomes to squeeze out even better results from it. The trap is to get fixated on continuing to “do more of what works” long after you’ve really pretty much maxed out on an area.
This is why I keep saying if you’re good on the Alpha front, the solution is to add Beta, and if you’re all set on the Beta front, add more Alpha. It’s vastly easier to work on the weak area, plus it’s really the only thing that works.
A wife getting endless Beta support, isn’t going to be craving yet more Beta. Even a tiny bit of Alpha improvement is going to be exciting to her. It’s like her having a full meal but nothing to drink, and then having him offer more food…. that would just annoy her.
So work on one thing, and then work on another. Crazy about fitness for three months, then work on dress sense, then figure out how to cook a few new things, then get on top of cleaning the house, then figure out how to fix a few things around the house, then ramp up the cocky and funny. Just rinse and repeat in a cycle of minor but consistent self-improvement. She won’t have time to adjust to everything and it will keep her a little off balance, but impressed with you.
(I have a slight counterpoint to this advice planned for tomorrow.)
Jennifer: Yes! If Athol didn’t have a job I would tire of the cocky and funny thing eventually lol.

Game Doesn’t Work For The Morbidly Obese

This is part of a longer exchange with a reader, so there is no one question I’m answering. The short version is crappy sex life, she’s moody and on anti-depressants. Here’s a few snippets and responses.
Hi there, some of this is going to read as very harsh, I’m just trying to be utterly realistic.
“As far as her attraction to me, what I can say when we were in high school was that I was the friend while she was dating someone else.  I was the listener of the problems and suggestor of actions.  I guess I had some game going then that I didn’t realize and she dumped her very alpha boyfriend for me.”

My immediate reaction is that she was dumped by the other guy, but told you she dumped him. Your role was being her Beta Orbiter and emotional shoulder to cry on. She was turned on by wrestling guy but whatever happened there didn’t work out.

“On the sex front, it never has been something she has seemed super interested in.  In fact in some of our conversations in the last several months she has said it’s just not a big deal for her.  Bummer for me, as that has left me rejected and hurt after many failed attempts to initiate sex throughout our relationship, which has caused a lot of the resentment I spoke of.  I now am starting to see my role in it as well, so it’s not an “all her fault” thing.”

She might very well be interested in sex, just she’s not attracted to you, so she says she “isn’t interested in sex very much.” because she doesn’t feel sexually turned on around you.

 

“As far as sex rank goes, I would have to put her at a 7. She would likely rank herself a 5.  If she were at the top of her game I could see and 8, even possibly a 9.  If I rank myself I would go for a 5.  My guess is she might rank me higher but I really don’t know.  She’s 5’4″ and ~160lbs.  I am 6’1″ and ~290lbs.”

A female 7 just doesn’t want to have sex with a male 5. If she’s a potential 8 or 9, she’s likely depressed because she’s even in a relationship with you. Family factors play a role too, but it’s likely just her default setting to head to if things aren’t the greatest in her life.

In terms of the anti-depressants, they very likely aren’t helping her sex drive at all, but the good news is that having her sex drive nerfed is very likely what is helping her stay in a relationship with you. If she was feeling horny and sexy, she’d dress up nice to an 8 and very likely be going out to bars and/or just straight up cheating on you.

Right now the number one thing you need to do is get control of your physical fitness and health. 290lbs is very heavy and repulsing her sexually from you. She may not be able to consciously think that, or admit it to herself, but it’s true. You can try all manner of Game and whatever at 290 lbs and very little of it will work. Doing the exact same stuff once you are at 200-220lbs will have very different results.

You’re in a deep hole to dig yourself out of if you are 2 points of Sex Rank below her. In all seriousness, give yourself two years to work yourself up to being on par with her. All you have to do the first year is loose weight and get fitter, seriously, that’s your #1 goal and action step right there.

“It is just very difficult to maintain any consistency when she has these severe ups and downs.  Today is a big down day, and she’s just going to be pissed, nothing more about it.  It makes my job much harder, because trying to run the show sends her into a tirade, however standing back and waiting for her to come up with an idea pisses her off too.  And when this happens the poor kids are often stuck right in the middle.  She thinks I treat them too harshly but when she gets like she is today she is way worse.  So, how do you “swat her on the ass” to get her to back off in a way where she doesn’t swing around and kill you with her laser eyes?  I’d like to gain insight on how I can start working those situations in order to avoid the loose-loose.  As Kirk would say, “I don’t believe in a no-win scenario,”  I just haven’t learned how to reprogram the simulation yet.  Yes!  Two Star Trek references in the same sentence!”

You can’t control her behavior. Her good day or bad day isn’t = to you having a good day or a bad day. Define your own good or bad day as to whether or not you got your exercise (or planned rest days) in appropriately.

“Speaking of Alpha and Beta, it is strange enough trying to employ these traits in proper balance when she is stable, but doing it when she’s not stable is something I am having a great deal of difficulty working with.  I have a hard time not just coming off as an asshole all the time.”

Right now your Sex Rank is below hers, so you don’t really get to make many demands in the relationship. The entire Alpha Beta thing is going to be very ineffective with you at 290 lbs, but increasingly effective as you get into shape. As an example, swatting her on the ass now would probably anger her, but when you’re 200-220lbs or so, it might turn her on.

So yeah I’m a broken record… lose the weight, lose the weight, lose the weight.

your motivations to exercise are many…

(1)  Your health.
(2)  Your kids are growing up in a family setting that can be improved.
(3)  Your sex life.
(4)  By focusing on her depression rather than your needs, you are empowering her depressive behaviors and weakening yourself. It’s a lose-lose outcome.
(5)  You have a random time limit to get this done. She may simply decide to reach for the divorce option and be done with it. That could be next month, or five years from now. The standard red flag that this is starting to come close is her getting interested in being physically in shape.
I don’t have any carrots bigger than those. There’s really nothing much to talk about, or think about over much for a while on this one. There are other factors at work here and things you can do to solve them, but trying to will be ineffective now. Just hit the weights and get into action.

How To Not Be Affected By Her Anger

Reader:  So how do I get myself to not let her anger effect me?
Athol:  You’re confusing your feelings with your actions.
Feeling full of guilt and stomach churning desire to comfort her, you just say, “That didn’t work, my bad, I’m going to give you some space to sort it out.” and then you walk away and give her space.
While you give her space, you exist in a maelstrom of dread that you have ruined everything and your marriage is over.
Then she comes back to you acting better and more interested in you. You are stunned and don’t really understand why that is so.
Life continues on a little better than before.
You can feel one way and act another. I mean we’ve all wanted to use the Darth Vader force grip power on someone and choke them to death at some point in our lives, but that’s just a feeling. Doesn’t mean we actually do it – an action. So you can feel like you have to coddle up to your wife, but you don’t have to do it.
See how it goes.

Stop Trying To Make Her Happy – Make Her Attracted

Athol:  A great comment left on Learning Captain and First Officer
Red: I saw my relationship in your post. I am a strong-willed female married to a more beta than alpha man. I have a tendency to test him and he regularly fails them. I want to be put in my place, I want to know he can keep the world at bay, I feel more attracted to him when he doesn’t let me walk all over him, but I need this to happen because he is strong and decisive, not because I’ve reduced who and how I am so he can be in charge. It isn’t a position that is given but one earned.
“Some of my attempts have worked with amazing results and other have backfired horribly and really upset her. My problem, is I can’t be so Alpha that I can just completely ignore her when she gets upset like this. It tears me up inside, so I try to talk to her about it to smooth things over, and this always goes nowhere and in fact angers her to no end.”
Does she get angry over the attempts that have backfired or upset over you trying to smooth things over because she is upset?
Here’s the thing…she isn’t going to like every decision you make and some of them might make her angry. Perhaps when she is angry and you worry about smoothing things over it makes the alpha decisions seem put on and not real and that undermines her faith in your ability to lead. A good leader has to be ready to accept that those he leads will not always be happy with his decisions.
If your decisions are made from a position of strength, after considering what is best for her and your relationship, stand by them.
I can’t give my submission simply because it is asked for. There is a tremendous amount of trust involved on her part to let you lead. There is also a tremendous amount of responsibility on you to lead well.
It seems as if more harm is done when you coax and try to smooth things over than if you let her be angry without feeling like you have to fix it.
Sometimes we fight the things we most want.
Jennifer:  Oh I like her!
Athol:  This whole thing of women wanting a strong man, but still having momentary emotional upset over him actually being strong with her, is the red herring that gets thrown out as a Fitness Test that Nice Guys fail at endlessly. Yes she’s upset, but it doesn’t last all that long because it builds attraction in her. Whereas when you act strong with her and then see she’s upset, if you then immediately back off and try and comfort her, you can provide momentary positive emotion in her, but you kill her attraction for you. So long term you just do yourself in.
Stop trying to make her happy. You can’t make her happy. All you can do is make her attracted to you. The Rationalization Hamster is designed to find a way to justify her being in a relationship with an attractive guy. So once she’s attracted to you, she’ll just find a way to talk herself into being happy about being with you.

Learning Captain and First Officer

Reader:  I have noticed that my wife has started reading your blog here and there. She puts on like she is un-interested, but she has made enough comments that I can tell she is reading and paying some attention.  She occasionally hits me up wanting to know if I’m trying to pull something over on her from your blog.  Its like she wants me to be dominant and alpha but resists it at the same time.
This sets up a question I want to ask you.  Basically my wife and I are both naturally more dominant than submissive.  From reading your blog, you have pointed out that you and your wife are basically both more submissive or beta.  At least you started out that way as I understand it.  So as you up-ed the Alpha your wife just ate it up and it made a big difference in the relationship and with the sex.
In our case, we are starting from both being dominant.  So its more a matter of my wife deciding to be submissive which then brings out my Alpha or at least allows my existing Alpha to actually work on her rather than just piss her off (when she takes the dominant stance). She struggles with this and frankly has just been all over the map the past few weeks as I have been taking a more Alpha/Dominant stance with her (I also focused on beta things while upping the Alpha, night off from the kids, doing laundry, etc etc).  Some of my attempts have worked with amazing results and other have backfired horribly and really upset her.  My problem, is I can’t be so Alpha that I can just completely ignore her when she gets upset like this.  It tears me up inside, so I try to talk to her about it to smooth things over, and this always goes nowhere and in fact angers her to no end.
So my question is basically, what advice to you have in this situation (2 Dominants rather than 2 betas trying to work this out)?
Do I just need to take a harder stand against her dominant behaviors towards me (which I don’t know if I have the nerve to fully go there)?  Or do I need to just add more beta in which seems to role reverse us as my wife can be very Alpha herself?
Remember, my wife says she agrees with heading in the dominant/submissive direction, but in practice its easier said than done. Any ideas?
Athol: Hiya, and hiya Mrs. Reader who is no doubt reading and lurking. The good news is that it sounds like everything is “working as intended” in that you’re on the learning curve and making progress.
 Here’s the crucial line in your question…
“My problem, is I can’t be so Alpha that I can just completely ignore her when she gets upset like this.  It tears me up inside, so I try to talk to her about it to smooth things over, and this always goes nowhere and in fact angers her to no end.”
Just give her space to process the emotion next time and see what happens. You might find that she’s on the edge of a breakthrough of allowing your leadership, but you try and un-leader yourself to make her feel better. Which she doesn’t actually want.
I would keep talking together about this and understand you are learning these new roles and ways of relating. Try not to think of it as you’re “two dominants” vs Jennifer and myself being “two submissives”. It’s Captain and First Officer for both couples.
Jennifer and I play a very soft low key C&FO. Most people probably don’t even notice that’s what going on because I don’t typically use/need anything but the most minimal force – simple asking – to gain Jennifer’s compliance. In real life you have to watch us quite well to start noticing that I’m the one in charge.
You two may play a harder tougher C&FO. Your wife may respond positively to firm tones and slightly raised voice for example. Or even Klingon directive speech patterns. (You remove all the words except verbs and nouns… You. Here. Now.)   She might get her being dominated fix from an occassional light spanking. Or maybe it’s just hair pulling and a rough pounding in the sack once a week that floats her boat. You can recite poetry while she hurls things at you if that’s what works for you as a couple. Seriously, I don’t care what it is that works for you guys, just explore together and find out what does work.
Don’t expect to immediately unpick and rebuild an 16 year pattern of interaction, it’s going to take at least a year to smooth out the kinks. During this time you will make mistakes in attempting to lead her, and she’s going to have hurt feelings in those moments. But if what she wants – by her own admission – is for you to be dominant over her, the little emotional bumps and bruises translate into her deeper feelings of being dominated effectively.
Which is not to say that you purposely set out to hurt her feelings, or ride roughshod over her. It’s just that not everything works as well as you can hope. You say “Okay that didn’t work, my bad.” and don’t linger on it. Leadership isn’t static, it’s dynamic and adaptive. Listen. Adjust. Move on.
She just doesn’t want her tears to be your kryptonite.

Sexy Move: Mommy Time

Reader:  Since our second child has been born our sex life has become quite a drag, sex feels like it is a task that she is completing and not something she is too interested in.  I don’t beg, I don’t whine, but I feel like she does it because she feels she has to.  She says she is tired from being with the kids all day (3 yrs old and 8 months) and she feels like pleasing me is “someone else that needs something from her”.
Question: Fitness test?
I know its harder with two kids than one, but we never had this problem when our first child was born, she was eagerly involved and wanting sex probably 2-3 months after the birth.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt like she wanted sex and when we have it it is very task orientated and not all that exciting.  I appreciate what you say about even bad sex is better than no sex, and I agree completely.  But I do have some concerns about the path we are on and would appreciate any feedback that you have.  Maybe I am being too impatient to return to our previous sex life?
Athol:  Two kids are harder than one. With one, it falls asleep for a while each day and she catches a break. Two kids don’t usually sync up nap time. There’s never really a break from it and it’s the lack of break that’s likely the drain on her.
I would find out if the whole over-tired thing really is the problem, as opposed to something else bothering her, and if so, see if you can agree to do a little trade of “chores”. You take both children and get them out of her hair for extended periods once in a while, with the expectation of a more positive sexual mood on her part. It’s a little artificial I know, and it does just boil down to a “childcare for sex” trade, but it’s practical and realistic.
If sex with you is “just one more thing”, then take away a different thing she has to do.
If you really want to have fun, book her a surprise hair appointment or something and just take the kids off her hands.
Basically additional kids increase the payoff/need of the Beta Traits. Just keep the Alpha frame of being in charge and leading the family and don’t turn into the kids’ second mother. Wrestle the three year old. Deploy THE CLAW!!!!

Jennifer:  It’s hard to mentally unplug from being a mommy when they are so small, especially if you’re breastfeeding.  I remember times where I was thinking “I want to want sex…but what I really want is an hour of peace and quiet with no children clinging to me.” An offer of daddy taking the kids off of my hands would go a long way toward my thinking happy thoughts about daddy!  (and I vote for a manicure or a massage instead of a hair appointment lol)
Athol:  Oh and final thought. Actually order her to take a break and go do whatever without the kids. Forcing your Beta on her is Alpha.