Sex Is Designed To Be Enjoyable

Athol:  I’ve had a hard time writing today’s post. It all started with this comment left a few days ago…
Dex:  Athol – you might consider also building on the success of MMSL by translating it into Christianese and marketing to churches. I bet you still speak the lingo…
Athol:  I ended up writing a very long post addressing that question, and it’s a great post, but frankly probably only myself is really interested in it. So let me cut out all 1500 words and just get to my Jerry Springer “final thought” on that question…
…once I start cloaking myself in Christianese and “crossing the border” into Christendom, I’m doing so in what many will assume as a covert manner and with evil intentions. Eventually someone is going to be seriously pissed about that, and there will be retaliation. I can cross the border as an Atheist “diplomat” wearing my shiny Atheist uniform with my Science Fair badges pinned to my chest, but I cannot cross the border as a “spy”.
Even more importantly, I simply detest pretending to be something I’m not.
So I let the post rot in the editing folder all day and answered email questions, determined not to write about anything religious in nature.
A few hours ago though, I got an email from a guy in a twenty year marriage. He and his wife are Christians, involved in ministry work for at least some of the time, and he’s basically going batshit crazy because the sex is so awful. Everything apart from lights out, her lying still, quiet sex is right out of the picture. I’m not talking “vanilla sex”, I’m talking bleached and bland instant rice sex. (I just made that up, I don’t even know exactly what “bleached and bland instant rice sex” is, apart from not wanting it.)
It’s not the husband’s fault either. He had pictures in the email, and pretty much has a A+ body. I mean I’d tell him to run the MAP but, great body, 100k+ earnings, house broken, mix of Alpha/Beta, I got nothing much left to tell him. The problem was very clear, she was just highly sexually negative. She could pop out three kids, but it seems kinda like the end justified the means rather than it was something enjoyable for her. By the husbands own statement, he was deeply resentful of “all the Christian teachings on sex”.
But I walked away from the computer just kind of annoyed about it all. If I say something, I’m a religion hating atheist. If I say nothing, I’m not helping anyone. So far not even 2% of my “religious issue” emails hit the blog as a post.
And then I go all Jimmy Neutron and it snaps into focus for me.
When you are born and growing up, your sexuality is a blank slate in terms of your beliefs and socialization, but your physical body is designed to enjoy having sex. So your basic default orientation is going to be that sex is a positive and desirable experience. Unless you have some sort of physical fault that makes sex painful or unpleasant, you’re going to like having sex. If you’re inexperienced at sex, it won’t be crazy wonderful good sex, but you will like it and feel good about it.
So if you don’t like sex, if you think it’s nasty, dirty, disgusting, wrong, bestial, sinful, degrading or frightening, it’s because you have be taught to think that way about sex. And to overcome your own body’s design to find sex the most enjoyable experience possible for a human, that training either needs to be systematic purposeful education to crush sexuality, or as physical sexual abuse as a child. And with deep regret, I have to say that parts of the church specialize in both.
So yes I am angry, and you should be too. And I know and appreciate that vast numbers of Christians are just as angry as I am about these issues.
So whether or not you believe that God created our genitals to vibrate with glorious pleasure during sex, or you think evolution and sexual selection has resulted in extremely pleasurable incentives to propel your genes into the next generation, it doesn’t matter that I am… well… right. Because either way, sex is meant to be just fucking fantastic.
But most of you already know all this, so please bear with me while I try and reach that tiny minority of MMSL readers that don’t.

/clears throat, climbs up on soapbox and strikes a heroic orator pose…

If you find sex with your spouse nasty, dirty, disgusting, wrong, bestial, sinful, degrading or frightening, then you’ve been fed horseshit and told it’s chocolate your whole life. Your right to grow up and experience a normal healthy sex life has been stolen from you. You have been knowingly lied to. It’s also destroying your marriage as your partner dies a little inside every time you flinch from them.

/steps off soapbox to sounds of a recording of thunderous applause

If that makes me an angry religion-hating atheist, then so be it.
There is, however, hope. It’s never too late to learn to enjoy your sex life. Your bodies are designed to experience pleasure, so almost as soon as you stop trying to repress that natural instinct, you can start to discover a whole world of enjoyment. It will take some time to unlearn the old things and enjoy the new, and you will have to experience feeling uncomfortable and weird as some of the boundaries fall away, but it’s possible. I’m not talking about having a threesome on the pitchers mound in Yankee Stadium, I’m talking about married couples getting it on in their bedroom… or on the trampoline in the backyard with an oversupply of blankets hiding them from the passing cars.
Or put another way…
…if you think you’re going to go to hell for giving your husband a blow job, what do you think your husband thinks he’ll be getting when he’s in heaven?

Jennifer: It’s all true.  It’s really okay to like (okay loooove) sex with your husband. What he wants most is you being excited to be naked with him.

No related posts.

Comments

  1. IndyGuy77 says:

    I doubt anyone raises their children to think sex is dirty with a hateful attitude towards their kids.

    It's more likely just awful advice, offered with well-meant intentions.

    I mean, let's be blunt here: if you as a parent truly believe enjoying sex is sinful, you're not going to teach your daughter to be a cum-guzzler for her husband.

  2. Rake says:

    Amen

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Athol, there's a great book for Christian women who have been confused and misinformed about sex. It's called Intimate Issues: Twenty-one Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.

  4. Candice says:

    Athol, you are right to bring up the topic.

    I support Elizabeth's approach – there are great Christian sites online which address the direction of scripture re sex. If you chose a few and offer the links Christians could go read them and see if they needed to rethink what they think God wants them to do.

    People also might have negative feelings towards sex because someone in their close family was really obessesed with sex in a yucky perverted way. They may then connect sex with that rather than wholesome joy and happiness.

    Overall – I feel its important to address limiting beliefs with regard to any area of achievement. It's easy to see how limiting beliefs could derail MAP.

    As well as the obvious, if someone's libido is low because of a medical reason, they may not seek help and gladly abstain because they think sex is sinful or horrible in some way. I suspect of lot of older people take this route …

  5. Anonymous says:

    And to overcome your own body's design to find sex the most enjoyable experience possible for a human, that training either needs to be systematic purposeful education to crush sexuality, or as physical sexual abuse as a child.

    Don't forget psych meds (or "dysgenic tic-tacs" as a friend of mine calls them). It's hard to be sex positive if your first experience of unfiltered sexuality comes during SSRI withdrawal at age 22…not that I have any experience with that sort of thing *cough*

  6. R. Bradley Andrews says:

    I find it humorous that you can KNOW that no god exists. I could understand claiming to not know, but only god could know the non-existence of something in the entirety of existence.

    Not going to debate it, just a comment I have had reading through the book and your posts here. I do think a book with your ideas and a Christian focus could be good, though I am sure it would generate a lot of flaming arrows too.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Nice post.

    I wonder if rule 35 applies to "bleached and bland instant rice sex".

    I would suggest 'Louie' Season 2, Episode 8 to go with this post.

  8. Anonymous says:

    edit: rule 34

  9. Anonymous says:

    Athol, this is not a religious issue, it's the rationalization hamster dressed up with religious ribbons. Pointing a woman to a Christian website will not change her behaviour. Your white rice comment does not do justice the actual experiance. It should be called a 'loveless humiliation fuck'.

    We had a generally happy marrige for about 25 years with 7 children, but the last 4 to 6 years have been a lonely hell. I have followed your advice (and Roissy's) for about 2 years and there has been some improvement, but I am just about ready to file for divorce even if it harms my relationship with my children and limits access to my grandchildren.

    Your correspondent should not blame the church of God, but I've found it hard not too. The practice of Catholicism has just about ended for me, except for Confession, to deal with my sins of anger, resentment and despair.

    My small attempt to supply a religious answer for your correspondent.

    RICanuck

  10. GC says:

    In adddition to the book that Elizabeth mentioned, I recommend Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman and the Web site Christian Nymphos to Christian women who can't/don't know how to enjoy sex. Although these resources won't change the mind of a woman who is determined not to enjoy sex, they can be very helpful to women who want to enjoy sex, need to know that it's OK to enjoy sex, and need some help learning how to do it.

    Although it pains me to acknowledge it, the church as a whole has failed disastrously when it comes to sex. Christians really need to take hold of the issue of sex in marriage, begin to educate each other, and insist that their churches get on board and support them. I have watched a Christian marriage in my immediate family (the husband is a minister) end in divorce this year because of this issue. The husband was too beta for too long – he should have begun confronting the problem 10 years ago and the church should have been providing resources and supporting him. Very painful for so many people, and probably (in this case) entirely avoidable.

  11. Trimegistus says:

    I agree with a couple of earlier posters: this isn't a Christian issue. This is a wife with sex issues. The best thing Husband can do here is explain the situation to his pastor and try to arrange some counseling for his wife. Get the pastor to recommend counseling.

  12. Julia says:

    Fine post today…and timely!

    I recently had a Christian female friend express her disgust at the thought of vibrators; she brought up the subject which surprised me as she's quite prudish and would seem to have a rather sexless, "instant rice" marriage. Good phrase, BTW.

    She was absolutely shocked that women used vibrators; considered that kinky and just crazy stuff. So then I told her, we (me and spouse) used them all the time. Nervous laugh followed by change of subject. Now I could try to be helpful and suggest she visit this website or a score of others, but she's a "good chaste Christian woman" and well…I can understand why you wrote a 1500 word essay.

    Also, saying absolutely nothing about sex to young children growing up can be just as harmful as instilling a fear and disgust of sex.

  13. pdwalker says:

    I think that man has to sit down with his wife and find out the root of her problem.

    It may be due to some sort of twisted religious beliefs, it might be something else darker.

    20 years! I cannot imagine how he put up with it that long. 20 years!

  14. IndyGuy77 says:

    I think it might be a little helpful for understanding the issue a bit more if the ANTI-enjoy sex Christians could point to anything in the Bible that could justify the attitude.

    I am a Christian but I was not raised in the church (let alone a Catholic one) and I have little use for "churchianity" (the trappings churches have constructed about themselves).

    I don't want to derail the topic, but I'd like to have a broader view of it.

    Thanks.

  15. Anonymous says:

    I wonder if when it comes to religious people and sexuality if it's not just the religion's direct teachings about sexuality that leads to "bleached, bland (and dessicated, please add "and dessicated") instant rice sex", but also the way some religions leave you feeling undeserving of "God's bounty" that you settle for less.

    I have to admit that sex in my marriage is "BBDIR sex". I come from a "fundamentalist" (but not Christian) background, my wife does not. So, while my liberally-raised wife "just lays there" (probably due to her perception of my sex rank, plus a disdain for men nurtured over generations), I struggle with how to assert myself towards a more robust sex life.
    Jason

  16. Anonymous says:

    …meant to add. I suspect that even in religious communities where sexuality is "controlled", there's probably a different message and set of rules for the "alphas".
    Jason

  17. Anonymous says:

    Stu at the Generous Husband has a good take on this from a Christian standpoint: http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2011/12/10/the-sex-sin-the-church-ignores/

  18. guitar sling says:

    Hello All,
    this post is important and well balanced – coming from a non practicing family – and society here in Quebec Canada – sexual problematic are very often placed on religion – and here is why – religions (not faith there is a big difference ) are built and designed to control the herd – same as politics etc… it is very easy then to deform logic and nature to fit one's purpose. Being from a catholic backgroud – we had huge issues here with the church controlling every aspect of family life – and yes sex was a negative and dirty subject.
    In the older generation (60+) here there was not talk about sex etc… now so many people having been lied too so long – our province whent from being super religious all the way to church bashing in it's ugliest forms. When the control exerted from religions goes off the natural path – hell rides right behind !

  19. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for not framing your writings in Christian talk.

    Many of us non-Christians would not read anything with an obvious Christian message — and your blog and book are too important to everyone to limit your audience.

    Nothing wrong with an occasional post aimed at Christian-based repression — or any other kind of repression.

    Z

  20. Candice says:

    Athol – it was a good idea to bring up this theme for debate. Thank you. Perhaps Jennifer could write a small post on her understanding of the Bible's teachings on sex. As a Christian she can do this with authority. Moreover, I think it would benefit many couples to understand how she manages marriage with a non-Christian.

    Upon reflection, I realise religious barriers to happy sex may only be addressed by reference to the Bible for those that follow the Bible closely as their main source of direction on the will of God. I follow the Bible – so this seemed like a good idea to me. Apologies to those with a wider basis for belief.

    Many churches have precepts and culture that does not originate directly from the Bible – e.g. Catholic. Perhaps they also have progressive literature that might be shared?? To suggest they read the literature from other churches may open a whole can of worms as they might also find some of their other beliefs cahllenged.

    One of my mentors was a strict Catholic and he had progessive views on sex and relationships. He pointed out the fear of pregnancy can inhibit sexual relationships for Catholic wives and that after menopause things may get better.

    Carrying on from the previous poster's comment – churches have historically had so many (and even political roles) and been controlled by men rather than God, that it's unfair on God to blame Him for destroying marriages and family life because churches propagate certain beliefs and behaviours. In our Church we say "render unto Caesar what is Caeser's and God what is God's?" and "by their behaviour you can know who they serve". We also say belief and behaviour are personal choices and based on study. The system (i.e. culture) seems to work well.

    Happy New Year! Candice :-)

  21. Dex says:

    I'd like to make clear that I wasnt' advocating deception at all. Just that, as you know, there are certain ways of phrasing things that Christians use commonly. A version of your book that used that lingo would probably sell quite well in church bookstores and purchased in bulk to men's groups in churches. And I can't think of a targeted audience that could use what you have here more than them. Seriously, these guys are watching that Kirk Cameron movie Fireproof in large numbers trying to improve their love lives.

    I'd love to read the 1500 word thing sometime, though. That sounds awesome.

  22. Ceer says:

    I'm surprised about the number of people who claim to have grown up in a "sex is bad" christian culture. I myself grew up in a conservative culture in a Catholic family. Any time I got the message from "bible christians" was that sex was bad, I always put that into the framework of "sex is good within marriage". IE, the principle that sex is bad only applies outside of marriage. I see so many people getting that wrong, that I think it has to be deliberate.

    As a christian, your sexuality is part of you. Given by God. You are allowed to enjoy it when you are using it in a manner consistent with God's will.

  23. Athol Kay says:

    I'm just stunned that "Bleached and Bland Instant Rice Sex" started turning into an acronym in the comments. BBIRS is probably the official version.

    Dex – email me, I'll email you it.

    Thanks to all that the comments stayed on topic.

  24. Jennifer, AKA The Wife says:

    Candice, I think that my religious views are far (far, far, far) more liberal than you think they are. I have not been taught by my own churches that sex is bad, or something to be ashamed of, but rather that it is good and appropriate within a marriage. What is bad is being unfaithful sexually and cheating on your spouse…and I think that some groups expand that idea to "if she enjoys sex too much she is more likely to be unfaithful" and there starts the downward slide.

    I am not going to try to quote scripture either, since pretty much anyone can find justification for anything in a scripture passage if they look hard enough and I will not be the one to start that particular war in the comments lol :)

  25. Rmaxd says:

    Doesnt BBIR imply not being enough alpha?

    Also isnt prudish behaviour because of none-exposure to an alpha, the root cause?

    Women want to be lead, this is especially true for prudish women in the bed room

    I think the main problem with the christian husband in Dalrocks post, is he's being far too considerate of her feelings, instead of leading in the bedroom, leading to her prudish behaviour

  26. Candice says:

    Thank you for your comment Jennifer – yes perhaps quoting scripture could be controversial. It's somewhat challenging to do so in a public forum if you have not studied theology. I don't try to do it and leave it to the more learned. And yes, perhaps I'd mis-guessed your level of liberalism. However, I've always found discussion based on scripture most interesting.:-)

  27. Athol Kay says:

    Rmaxd – what you're describing is true, for an undamaged "shy" woman.

    The problem is for the types I'm decribing in the post, that after two decades of being told Alpha is beastial lust and sinful, they react negatively to Alpha.

    But they also don't react terribly well to Beta either.

  28. Athol Kay says:

    Candice – Jennifer has such a degree.

  29. Anna Beers says:

    I don't see any need for Athol to "Christianize" his message. Facts are facts and opinions are opinions. It is the duty of every Christian to examine everything they come across in light of Scripture, and if it is true, figure out how they're going to integrate it into their worldview. But then, I was raised with the phrases, "All truth is God's truth," and "There is no final dichotomy between the sacred and the secular."

    Most of what Athol says shouldn't faze a Christian. God has given us the brains to figure out things work, and the free will to apply it (or not) and reap the rewards and consequences.

  30. Anonymous says:

    Let's be brutally honest. Most of the people who need Athol's advice and use Christianity as an excuse for a poor sex life aren't going to come here. And even if they do, they aren't going to take any notice of him. They KNOW what they want to know, and seek reassurance that they are right. They don't want anyone telling them they're wrong and are going to have to change and address their petty inadequacies.

  31. IndyGuy77 says:

    GC's referring to the "Christian Nymphos" site is appreciated. Interesting site.

  32. krysie says:

    It could be that the woman is lesbian or asexual. One of the most damaging affects of conservative groups on straight marriage is that it scares people who do not belong in straight marriages into having such a marriage anyway.

  33. GC says:

    IndyGuy77 – I have found that site to be extremely useful. Sometimes you really have to look around to find the information you need, but it is worth the effort. The women who have been writing and maintaining the site for the past four years ended their work on it in mid-December, but are going to maintain all of the articles and the search engine.

  34. Rmaxd says:

    @Athol

    I think you're giving women, especially christian women waaaay too much credit

    Women want to be lead, the fact she's a fundamentalist christian, doesnt change her biology …

    I'd tell the guy to be c&f, objectify the woman, ramp up the physical hugs & cuddling, & ease her into a more physical relationship

    He basically needs to lead the relationship, DESPITE her protestations

    This is key …

    He's basically conditioned her, into allowing her to use her religion as an excuse for not giving him sex

    If she was able to give him 3 children, it implies she is not damaged … & has a sex drive, despite her delusional religious beliefs

  35. Rmaxd says:

    Btw Athol I appreciate she's had two decades of no sex, but the fact is biology always trumps lifelong conditioning

    Gradually get her used to him being more alpha, & increase the physical contact

    Personally I feel sorry for the guy having to have sex with a 50 yr old … lol

  36. Anonymous says:

    Rmaxd said:
    "…If she was able to give him 3 children, it implies she is not damaged … & has a sex drive, despite her delusional religious beliefs…"

    No, she has / had a drive to [i]reproduce[/i]. This is not the same as a drive to have recreational sex for enjoyment. She wanted kids, sex is THE means to that end. Once the end is achieved, she has no desire to have sex for any other reason. End of…

  37. Mac says:

    It's not just Christians, though they are the main 'sex is bad' group. I do wonder when men post here about how their wives don't like sex … does she have a reason to like sex?

    Is she having an orgasm?
    Why would a woman want to have sex if she isn't?

  38. Eric says:

    "… but the fact is biology always trumps lifelong conditioning"

    I disagree. That is one of my biggest problems with the evolutionary psychology that so much of PUA/Game theory is based on , it places too much emphasis on nature and not enough on nurture. The ability to condition our own (and other) species to ignore or override biological imperatives is one of the most significant behaviors that sets humanity apart from other animals.

    Take meat, for example. We are culturally programmed to ignore our biological desire for organ meat in favor of muscly tissue… all the "good stuff" is in the organ meat. When pack animals kill their prey, the organ meat is a prize reserved for the most alpha members. But most modern Americans consider organ meat to be distasteful. Lifelong conditioning often trumps biology, and neither one are very reliable predictors of behavior without proper context.

  39. Anonymous says:

    "but the fact is biology always trumps lifelong conditioning"

    Shite. If that was the case there wouldn't be one human being that would be able to resist eating themselves to the point of immobility.

  40. Dreadpiratk says:

    Please don't 'Christianize' anything. I hate that crap, and I'm a devout Christian. Truth is Truth, and if people can't accept it without the window dressing of spiritual lingo, they won't accept it at all.

    I commend you for refusing to tap into a potentially lucrative market on principle. You're atheism is ever more suspect.

    As others have said, this is extreme sexual dysfunction masquerading as religion. I don't deny that the Church has dropped the ball badly in terms of sexuality, I've been preaching and teaching about that for years. We've taken the injunction to avoid the very appearance of sin to the point of avoiding the very appearance of life! Add to that the unspoken prohibition on even speaking about sex, and it's a recipe for disaster.

    I think there's a very good chance this poor woman was sexually abused as a child and this is the result. Or possibly her mother was, and passed on these attitudes wrapped up in religion.

    As a side note, my wife comes from a ultra conservative Mennonite background, and while she is somewhat prudish in some ways (conservative dress, won't wear a bikini ect.) she is very (I mean very!) adventurous in the privacy of our bedroom. The point being that while this kind of anti-sexual attitudes may still exist within the church, it isn't always where you might think. Of course being largely a farming community where lots of family labor is essential to making a living probably helps with the encouraging couples to have sex thing.

  41. Polly says:

    Mac, you ask why women don't like sex. For some it may be past abuse or an insensitive lover or fear of God/church but I am convinced that for some women, the problem is an extreme sensitivity to being touched, especially in such an intimate way. I suppose those of us who are unnerved by physical contact are outliers but perhaps not as rare as one would think.

  42. Polly says:

    Dreadpiratk, your comment about Athol's atheism being suspect is puzzling to me. Do you mean that anyone with principles must be a Theist? How can that be when almost everyone (except perhaps the most extreme sociopath) holds principles?

    I was in a very conservative Christian sect for years. I don't think Athol's advice would get much traction at all in that market and he is making both a principled and practical decision to shy away from it.

  43. Athol Kay says:

    Polly – I believe some people believe I am a Christian even though I say I am an Atheist. Like I'm a sheep in wolves clothing lol.

    I think Dreadpiratk is just teasing me a little along those lines. Not that he personally thinks I'm a Christian.

  44. Anacaona says:

    I always found puzzling all the catholics that were traumatized by the church.
    In my country we were very sex positive catholics meaning that sex before marriage was not God's plan for human and could lead to all sorts of issues but once blessed everything that happened in the bedroom was sacred and it was God's gift to men because it was in the context of marriage. So yeah all this stories of "good Christian women that don't enjoy sex because of what they were taught at the church" are beyond strange for me. I do wonder if this is a bit more about the culture the church is than the church itself I also had plenty of Muslim friends that were very enthusiastic about "driving their husbands insane" with their feminine wiles but we all know about how other muslim countries are specially anti female pleasure, so yeah I would take a look at the culture more than the church itself, YMMV.

  45. Dex says:

    I don't think that the slate is really all that blank when it comes to sex and enjoying it. I think you'd have to do some serious Clockwork Orange-ing someone with a healthy libido to put him off of enjoying sex. I don't think just teaching it from the pulpit would get it done. I DO think you might end up with an adult who never admits how enthusiastic he or she is about it. And it this day and age, I further think that a church would end up turning their members off to church or the faith itself rather than turning them off from sex with their spouse.

  46. Anonymous says:

    Christian women categorized:
    !. Likes sex a lot with her husband and doesn"t feel guilty. Seeks ways to continue and enhance their sex life and so does her husband.

    2.Likes sex a lot with her husband and sometimes feels naughty or a bit unsure.

    3.Likes sex a lot but doesn't enjoy it with her husband. Bored with him,not attracted to him or doesn't consider him a good lover.

    4.Doesn't enjoy sex but does it with her husband because she loves and cares for her husband.

    5.Doesn't enjoy sex and never has and avoids it with a husband she has little deep love for In the marriage still for other reasons than sex.

    Categories of nonChristian women : the same.

    5

  47. Anonymous says:

    Isn't this the point of the blog though? That despitte sex supposedly being designed to be enjoyable it isn't always. The question becomes what to do when you want it to be better.

    Athol have you ever addressed the low sex drive man? Do you think the men that visit your site are normally a higher drive man and just frustrated? There still seems to be a point of view that all men are naturally more driven and not to recognize the unhappy situation that many women find themselves in with a low drive man.

    Just haven't seen men write in to you complaining they have such a low sex drive (and not due to drugs or health concerns) that it is ruining their relationship.

  48. Chip says:

    Athol, great post and I am another who would love to read the 1500 word article. I am another Christian who thinks many fundamentalist and evangelical churches have not done a good job teaching sexuality. There are many scriptures that teach that regular sex between husband and wife is not only good but expected. Not all Christians have these hang-ups though. My wife had some hang-ups (never as bad as BBIRS)and thankfully it was a church friend that helped her really open up (and I mean REALLY!!).

    Here is the thing that gets me though. We blame a man whose wife is not giving him sex for divorcing her, when she has been just as "unbiblical". (Or vise versa) We are so quick to judge and so slow to give grace.

  49. Anonymous says:

    #4. Wife uses sex as a weapon (or reward) and rarely engages husband in it. Will either make the husband work for it, pity sex, or will not be in to it enough to let the husband know she is not enjoying it.

  50. Anonymous says:

    I think a big part of Christian prudishness is a fear of looking un-Christian by semi-association. That is, they grow up being told that sex outside of marriage is bad, while all around them are people doing that exact thing quite wantonly and even enjoying it. They don't want to feel associated with those sort of people and so they don't want to share their actions. They get a subconscious idea that unsaved people have lots of sex in lots of crazy positions and they better not do the same things.

    "People in pornography have oral sex, therefore oral sex is bad and I wont' do it".

    "People are having casual flings and one-night stands, therefore any sex that seems to be for the thrill of sex itself is bad and I won't do it".

    You get the picture.

    How to break through that mindset? I think little by little. The more they do something and feel enjoyment from it, the more their ideas about it will align with their actions. Change the actions first (bit by bit), then their attitude will change. You kinda brainwash them. ;)

  51. Anonymous says:

    Religion is not sexy. You don't sit in church and get horny.

    Add to that the general push of the church for no birth control and the idea that sex is for procreation only (not recreation). And all the fornicators are going to hell. Great.

    What's left is the physical messiness of sex. I have no idea why all our sexual organs are mixed up with our waste management plumbing, but they are. So any girl/teen/woman already knows that what goes on between the legs is best left in the privacy of the bathroom, it's not such a far leap for the church to exclaim that sex needs to have lots of rules.

    Jaz71

  52. Melody says:

    I was raised in an ultra-conservative Christian home. I was homeschooled til college… no dancing, no rock n’ roll, no R-rated movies… and I kept a vow to not even kiss a man until my wedding (which happened when I was 27). Yup. But I was NOT taught to hate sex. My pastor regularly stated that sex inside marriage is a wonderful thing, and anything goes in that context. I was raised with a clear understanding of how Christianity absorbed Gnostic, ascetic influences… which remain in Calvinism today…which corrupted the Biblical truth. Jesus gave the ultimate glorification to the body by resurrecting it. My deep religious faith did nothing to damage my sexuality. You can ask my husband. To answer you, he’d first have to wipe the giant grin off his face. Just had to represent.

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