Reader: Since our second child has been born our sex life has become quite a drag, sex feels like it is a task that she is completing and not something she is too interested in. I don’t beg, I don’t whine, but I feel like she does it because she feels she has to. She says she is tired from being with the kids all day (3 yrs old and 8 months) and she feels like pleasing me is “someone else that needs something from her”.
Question: Fitness test?
I know its harder with two kids than one, but we never had this problem when our first child was born, she was eagerly involved and wanting sex probably 2-3 months after the birth.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt like she wanted sex and when we have it it is very task orientated and not all that exciting. I appreciate what you say about even bad sex is better than no sex, and I agree completely. But I do have some concerns about the path we are on and would appreciate any feedback that you have. Maybe I am being too impatient to return to our previous sex life?
Athol: Two kids are harder than one. With one, it falls asleep for a while each day and she catches a break. Two kids don’t usually sync up nap time. There’s never really a break from it and it’s the lack of break that’s likely the drain on her.
I would find out if the whole over-tired thing really is the problem, as opposed to something else bothering her, and if so, see if you can agree to do a little trade of “chores”. You take both children and get them out of her hair for extended periods once in a while, with the expectation of a more positive sexual mood on her part. It’s a little artificial I know, and it does just boil down to a “childcare for sex” trade, but it’s practical and realistic.
If sex with you is “just one more thing”, then take away a different thing she has to do.
If you really want to have fun, book her a surprise hair appointment or something and just take the kids off her hands.
Basically additional kids increase the payoff/need of the Beta Traits. Just keep the Alpha frame of being in charge and leading the family and don’t turn into the kids’ second mother. Wrestle the three year old. Deploy THE CLAW!!!!
Jennifer: It’s hard to mentally unplug from being a mommy when they are so small, especially if you’re breastfeeding. I remember times where I was thinking “I want to want sex…but what I really want is an hour of peace and quiet with no children clinging to me.” An offer of daddy taking the kids off of my hands would go a long way toward my thinking happy thoughts about daddy! (and I vote for a manicure or a massage instead of a hair appointment lol)
Athol: Oh and final thought. Actually order her to take a break and go do whatever without the kids. Forcing your Beta on her is Alpha.