Athol: A great comment left on Learning Captain and First Officer…
Red: I saw my relationship in your post. I am a strong-willed female married to a more beta than alpha man. I have a tendency to test him and he regularly fails them. I want to be put in my place, I want to know he can keep the world at bay, I feel more attracted to him when he doesn’t let me walk all over him, but I need this to happen because he is strong and decisive, not because I’ve reduced who and how I am so he can be in charge. It isn’t a position that is given but one earned.
“Some of my attempts have worked with amazing results and other have backfired horribly and really upset her. My problem, is I can’t be so Alpha that I can just completely ignore her when she gets upset like this. It tears me up inside, so I try to talk to her about it to smooth things over, and this always goes nowhere and in fact angers her to no end.”
Does she get angry over the attempts that have backfired or upset over you trying to smooth things over because she is upset?
Here’s the thing…she isn’t going to like every decision you make and some of them might make her angry. Perhaps when she is angry and you worry about smoothing things over it makes the alpha decisions seem put on and not real and that undermines her faith in your ability to lead. A good leader has to be ready to accept that those he leads will not always be happy with his decisions.
If your decisions are made from a position of strength, after considering what is best for her and your relationship, stand by them.
I can’t give my submission simply because it is asked for. There is a tremendous amount of trust involved on her part to let you lead. There is also a tremendous amount of responsibility on you to lead well.
It seems as if more harm is done when you coax and try to smooth things over than if you let her be angry without feeling like you have to fix it.
Sometimes we fight the things we most want.
Jennifer: Oh I like her!
Athol: This whole thing of women wanting a strong man, but still having momentary emotional upset over him actually being strong with her, is the red herring that gets thrown out as a Fitness Test that Nice Guys fail at endlessly. Yes she’s upset, but it doesn’t last all that long because it builds attraction in her. Whereas when you act strong with her and then see she’s upset, if you then immediately back off and try and comfort her, you can provide momentary positive emotion in her, but you kill her attraction for you. So long term you just do yourself in.
Stop trying to make her happy. You can’t make her happy. All you can do is make her attracted to you. The Rationalization Hamster is designed to find a way to justify her being in a relationship with an attractive guy. So once she’s attracted to you, she’ll just find a way to talk herself into being happy about being with you.