What It Means When She Tells You She Kissed Another Man

Most people are basically moral. Meaning faced with a moderate degree of temptation, they will still do the right thing anyway. There are some crappy people in the world that don’t ever experience temptation, because they have no moral compass and just do whatever they want all the time. Most people are moral… but not saints… everyone has their price where they become okay with doing evil.

For example, ask me to kill a kitten… and I’ll say no. I happen to like kittens. Ask me to kill a kitten for $100 and I’ll still say no. It’s just cruel to think about. $1000… ah… no. $1 million bucks to kill a kitten… and… well… how many dead kittens do you need?

So let’s consider how the morality sliding scale works with affairs. Let’s create a fake couple Anne and Alex and the third wheel Brad and watch the slide from White (morally good) to Black (full blown affair)

White – Anne and Brad know each other and nothing questionable is happening between them.

White/Grey – In this transition point, the first crossing of the line happens between Anne and Brad. Usually it’s simply a low key feeler thrown out from the guy to the girl. Something “non-serious” and easily disclaimed as an accident or no attempt to be offensive. Failure to knock the feeler back by the girl is implied acceptance of the advance to Grey.

Grey – This is the zone where Anne and Brad know that something inappropriate is happening between them, they don’t want Alex to find out about it, but it’s also reasoned as being “just flirting”, “not cheating”, “harmless fun”. Except it’s not really any of those and is being kept secret. At this point it’s an emotional connection and not physical.

Grey/Black – Anne and Brad kiss. This marks the transition into the affair being more physical. It may not turn into sex with the first episode of kissing, but it can escalate very quickly to sex after the first kiss. It’s a major hurdle to cross.

Black –  Anne and Brad are now in a full sexual relationship and there’s a huge desire to hide it from Alex.

The idea for Brad is to navigate Anne through the scale of white to black at a steady pace, without stalling in any of the areas for too long, but not so fast that she hits a moral limit she isn’t prepared to break just yet. So he shouldn’t stall out too long for going for the kiss, but also shouldn’t go from introductory flirting to asking her to suck his dick either. (Try not to think of me as just having given advice on how to seduce someone’s wife, and more explaining how they do it.)

Now from Anne’s point of view…

White – Nothing is inappropriate, I love Alex. Brad is okay.

White/Grey Rejects Brad – I love Alex, Brad was rude.

White/Great Accepts Brad – I love Alex, Brad is funny.

Grey – I love Alex, but I’m falling in love with Brad.

Grey/Black Rejects Brad – I love Alex, I want Brad but I just can’t do this.

Grey/Black Accepts Brad – I love Alex, but when I’m with Brad I feel amazing, I can’t not do this.

Black – I love Alex, but it’s fading and I’m not in love with him. I’m in love with Brad and I’m starting to love him.

Importantly, if Anne rejects Brad at the White/Grey or Grey/Black transition points, there’s minimal chance she will tell Alex what happened. Most of the time he will never find out anything was happening. If it’s at the White/Grey line, there’s nothing to see and nothing to tell. If it’s at the Grey/Black line, all he’ll know is that she was a little distant there for a while, but then she stopped being a little distant. He quite possibly never notices anything was going on.

Far more interesting is if Anne tells Alex she’s been doing something inappropriate. This is always an ass backwards ultimatum and Fitness Test from her to him. It looks like a confession, but it’s far more than that…

Fitness Test angle first. Brad already knows about Alex, and has been making headway on Anne by indirect and stealthy means. So he does not want a confrontation with Alex. Alex however doesn’t know Brad is making headway on Anne, so he’s not paying particular attention to mate guarding Anne. So Alex is the sleeping Samurai, while Brad is the sneaking Ninja. So when Anne confesses to Alex something is happening with Brad, it’s like she suddenly flips the lights on and it’s all on…. Yo Samurai… there’s a Ninja…Why don’t you and him fight.

Whoever has the strongest overall male frame/presence will carry the day. If Alex turns into a spineless writhing blubbering weakling in front of Anne and weepingly begs her to come back to him… she’ll find a way to go back to Brad. If Alex suddenly reacts with controlled fury and seeks to defend what’s his, Ninja Brad will drop a smoke bomb and vanish.

Ultimatum angle second: Anne let Brad get as far as he did, because there was something lacking in Alex. Look I know that’s hard to hear, but it’s true. So not only does Alex have to puff up and scare Brad off, he’s also got to figure out what Anne is giving him an ultimatum about. She was prepared to risk the entire relationship by telling him about her thing with Brad. If she didn’t want to put the relationship on the line, she would NEVER have told him, she would have just broken it off with Brad.

The good news is that Anne does at least want to have a relationship with Alex… provided of course he fixes the problem.

The bad news is that when she told him about Brad, it was a fairly sanitized version of what really happened. Alex must always assume that worse things happened and find a way to divine the truth as best he can. If it was a case of she slept with Brad and then “gets away with it” by Alex taking her back without knowing, she’ll not respect him.

So Alex must immediately (1) get the other man out of the picture, (2) scare Anne half to death that he’ll possibly divorce her (she will fail to respect him unless he does that), (3) start fixing whatever structural weakness he has in holding Anne’s attraction.

And just to be clear, I’m not saying get in there and start trading punches… as tempting as that may be. I’m saying gather your information and find a way to get them not wanting to be together.


Merry Christmas (You’re Out of the Guild)

Firstly a warning. Many F-Bombs in the video. But if you think Cartman from South Park is funny, you’ll love this video.

Secondly… Francis doesn’t look Alpha, but at least he’s prepared to kick someone who totally deserves it out of the guild.

Third… this is what a victim puke looks like. All that pent up rage built and built and built and BOOM!

Fourth… seriously what the fuck is with people who don’t install Deadly Boss Mods?


Got a “Tom” in your little guild? Always worth keeping an eye on the bank too.


And Merry Christmas…


Life After The MAP?

I was asked what happens after you run the MAP and all is basically well between the couple. Can you ever go back to relaxing and being Blue Pill?


Athol:  I think a subtle misunderstanding you have is that Blue Pill = soft/love  and Red Pill = hard/harsh

It’s more Blue Pill = unconscious relating    and Red Pill = conscious relating.

You can be 100% Blue Pill and do everything right… it’s just that you’re doing it unwittingly. What tends to happen in relationships though is we just start letting it slide and become more and more Betaized. At some point we go off the rails and wind up in a bad place looking for answers.

Part of what makes MMSL/Game work is that once you explain a concept, most people go, “Oh yeah, I already knew that.”  You’re bringing unconscious wisdom of the Body Agenda into the realm of the Neo-Cortex. You already know what the Body Agenda knows, you just don’t know it consciously, because consciousness is up in the lair of the hamster… the Neo-Cortex.

The MAP is really about increasing your energy level, because high energy levels are attractive. Sex Rank = Energy. This is why people experience positive growth in all sorts of other unexpected ways when they run the MAP. People try and fix their sex life, but get promoted at work because they ran the MAP. They lose weight, dress better, things happen they had no expectation of. Stuff like that happens so often I’ve just come to expect some random +1 somewhere else in people’s lives.

It’s also why some relationships fail because of the MAP. One half of the couple becomes stronger, hotter and has a higher energy frequency, while the other is determined to stay depressive, unchanged, angry, bitter and low energy frequency. At some point it’s like someone reversed the polarity on the relationship magnets and instead of being pulled together, they are pushed apart. The MAP tends to bring relationships to a resolution point. Usually it’s a happier relationship, but not always. That’s being said, some of the successes I’m most proud of are where someone finally said enough was enough and they moved on.

In a sense, what I’m talking about is taking the knowledge of science, everything that we know about human nature and asking the question, “How then do we live?” which is essentially a typically religious question. MMSL is my answer. In terms of “what now”, I think the answer is more than just “keep the MAP ticking over”, though that is part of it. It’s also about living a life of meaning and significance and not so much lifting up those around you, but showing them how they can climb up for themselves too. It’s about being someone who exerts a positive energy into the world.

Focus and Flow

I’ve had one of those nights where I write and rewrite and rewrite and it all still sounds like whining and I toss everything.


The 2011 Primer is great, buy it. No really, it’s fabulous, just buy it. Will change your life.

But I had this idea where I was going to edit and revise the Primer annually. So far I’ve made three attempts at doing that for a 2012 edition. Each time I’ve ground to a halt for one reason or another. In no small part because I have loathed feeling like I was being “held back a year” and repeating a grade. Everything was a little better and more polished as I wrote, but in the end it all felt like I was simply moving stuff around inside the book.

Basically I didn’t really have a compelling reason to write the 2012 edition… which means there would be no compelling reason to buy it.

The whole of 2012 has felt like a energy-less dead zone for me. Which is ironic in that book sales went up, blog readership is up, the forum was started and is huge. Everything looks really good, but I’d not been enjoying much anymore. So I gave up thinking about the Primer revision.

Did the Army thing, played a lot of Warcraft and generally did nothing in particular for months. I’ve also had two potentially big opportunities that I’ve declined recently as well. The first was fairly easy to discard, interesting, but not that appealing. The second I really wanted to work and would have made some potentially quite decent money… but felt not quite right. I mean seriously, on paper, potentially lots of exposure and cash and fame and helping people. Nice people to work with too. Not a scam or anything objectively wrong about it. So I spent a long time thinking about it.

What stopped me was watching this video of Aryton Senna less than an hour before his death. The look on his face was how I felt inside and gave me the heebie-jeebies.

I don’t think I would have died. I just know something really bad was going to happen. So I declined. Since that moment, I’ve felt better and more energized. Probably not co-incidentally it synced with Jennifer and I getting back into really exercising again. We’ve felt more connected too I think.

Anyway, shortly after declining… I had an idea. One of those blinding “how did I not see that?” ideas where you just sit back and go… “ahhhhhhh” and realize you’ve been wrong about something really important even though you’ve had all the pieces the whole time. Right now it’s just a single sheet of paper with a total of eighteen words on it. There’s a grid and some arrows as well.

Anyway, no idea when it’s finished, but it’s done when it’s done. I have to start from scratch in many ways, and then throw a little fire engine red in there.

Jennifer: He stole my pen and scribbled that page out in front of me. It’s really good.


Coffee and Croissant with Miss Communication

One of my favorite Star Trek scenes.

Picard and Beverley Crusher get captured and have devices attached to their brain stems by their captors. They eventually escape but there’s an interesting side effect in that the devices create a telepathic link between them. Most of the episode is devoted to the interplay between the two of them who already have a deep relationship  together, but are still miscommunicating because they like each other. They still have some strong defensive walls up to save face with others, despite being invested enough to meet for breakfast every morning. The private breakfast being an important part of their routine together and Beverley puts some effort into being creative with the food to please her Captain.

Riker is of course the actual First Officer of the Enterprise, but there’s no question that Beverley Crusher is the wife-like emotionally intimate “First Officer” to Picard.

(EDIT:  I’m fighting the YouTube.  Link to the video is here.)

There’s always the danger of miscommunication in marriage, leading to both of you being unhappy trying to please the other.

Just say what the hell you want. Stop being so damn polite.


What’s your coffee and croissant moment?


Sexual Spanking Goes Mainstream

Okay you gotta watch the video first.

For those that don’t follow The Big Bang Theory, Amy and Sheldon are girlfriend/boyfriend, with Amy vastly more interested in Sheldon than the other way around.

In this episode Sheldon has deigned to give Amy a little extra attention when she’s been sick, so her illness has taken rather longer than expected to improve…

My first thought is even though it’s a comedy, it’s been quite sometime since I can remember a male-spanks-female scene on TV. I remember some I Love Lucy episodes where that happened. Maybe some have happened since then, but it’s quite remarkable that one of the main networks aired it.

What you’re looking at is the Fifty Shades of Grey effect. Those books have sold so incredibly well, that male-dominates-female-and-its-hot is now getting targeted as a market that will turn a profit. Twilight kinda sorta influenced it, but Fifty Shades of Grey has pushed male sexual dominance into the mainstream. There will be a lot more of this coming in the near future I can assure you.

Feminists are going to cry, but the Amy’s of the world won’t listen. The happy moist vagina being preferable to a sad dry one.


Let’s talk about erotic spanking and discipline spanking.

Erotic spankings are done for the sexual/emotional turn on. It’s an intense experience and that intensity can easily transfer into erotic potential. It may make no logical sense to the woman why being spanked turns her on, but for many (not all), “I don’t know, it just does”.

As an aside, I can explain why it does work, but it’s a lot like finding out how hotdogs are made. Once you find out, you generally no longer want to eat a hotdog, and are a little mad at the person that explained it all to you. Ignorance is bliss, I mean you don’t really want to find out that spanking is so tasty because it’s packed with the sexual equivalent of pig snouts. Just eat your hotdog.

Discipline spankings are tied to negative behavior. The spankee does something wrong, bad, half-ass and the spanker dishes out a punishment to correct the behavior. Or put another way, it’s exactly the same logic as a parent would discipline a child by spanking.

My feeling is that women are only going to consent to any spanking, if they like/want it. Otherwise it’s just some guy hitting you, which they really don’t want. This means essentially all spankings default to being erotic spankings… even if they are done ostensibly as discipline spankings. As you can see in the case of Sheldon and Amy, any hope of Amy behaving better in the future is going to backfire. She likes the spanking. So she’ll keep being bad to get what she wants.

So my advice if you want to actually use discipline spanking, is to tie it to good behavior on the part of the spankee. It’s a reward, so they’ll work for it. If they fail to reach whatever the positive behavior goal is, they lose the special attention from their lover that they crave… a much worse negative than a sore bottom.

If you want to skip some of the mind games and just have an erotic spanking, cool. Just ask for it, or allow it to happen as basic kink / foreplay / lovemaking. It’s not wildly different to hairpulling or whatever. It’s simply an intense stimulation between consenting adults.

The way spanking really works to turn women on, is by tapping into the true physical power differential between a man and a woman. In a straight up physical fight between a man and a woman, the man will always have a major advantage. For example I’m a foot taller than Jennifer, out weigh her by about 80 pounds, have a longer reach and pound for pound am significantly stronger than her. I always have a constantly rolling dominance effect, simply by my size and strength. Quite obviously I don’t hit / shove / pinch / bite / punch / kick her in daily life, because she would call 911 on me and that would be that. But things like hairpulling, neck holding and spanking during sex tap into the erotic potential from my physical dominance.

It’s not something either of us expected we would ever do in bed when we married, but in moderate amounts it works for us. Erotic physical dominance is in essence, sexual playfighting.

And because people will ask… Jennifer and I don’t do discipline spankings. We had spanked the girls once in a while when they were little, but generally found rewarding good behavior and reducing attention to negative behavior got faster and better results.

All that being said, I do know people who practise discipline spanking for negative behavior and they say it works out really well for them. I do understand why and how it works, but there are some rather dark impulses at work here. There’s no assurance that once tried it’s going to be a good experience, or one that’s easily forgotten. I would urge extreme caution and communication before discipline spanking for negative behavior. Or at the very least, trying erotic spanking for a while and see how far that gets you first.


Girl Game: Lapdance For Him (Get Into The Groove)

A forum member wants to learn how to give her husband a lapdance…

Mrsozzy:  I need to learn this stuff.  I’ve looked around and have a few ideas.  But does anyone have any kickass tips on how to lapdance?  Non-cheesy musical suggestions are especially appreciated.

Athol: It’s easy…

(1) Flick your hair.

(2) Pretend you’re in the shower soaping yourself up. This a move you can come back to over and over.

(3) Make “hungry like a lioness” eye contact.

(4) Bend down low so your boobs dangle in front of him.

(5) Turn around and walk away. Look back. Spank your ass.

(6) Act like you’ve just discovered you have boobs.

(7) Rub yourself a little through your panties. Smile.

(8) Tell him you’re an English Lit major.



PHILIP?! HEY MAN WHAT’S HAPPNIN’ PHIL?!   (Name the movie it was in.)

Okay so that was tacky…

Somehow I suspect this song is the ticket though…

(9)  Grab his cock through his pants.

(10)  Make him hold your panties.


Afterwards you ask him if he wants to get into your… groove.

Your Freedom Ends Where Your Fear Begins

Your freedom ends, where your fear begins.

We all have a tiny silver of a chance of dying in random violence. We have a much better chance of being killed by someone we’ve really pissed off that we have a long relationship with. Far more of us will die from cars, stairs and a cold that gets out of hand. Yet we get into cars, climb the stairs and go outside with wet hair in defiance of what mom said about it.

In our daily lives though, we do all sorts of things from fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of other people disapproving. Fear of pain. Fear of hunger. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of loss. Fear of being fired. Fear of having no money. Fear of never seeing someone again. Fear of success even. Fear of him or her saying no.

Life is too short to live a life of fear. Take reasonable precautions, manage the risks but face your fears and do it anyway. Otherwise, you’re your own jailer.

If you weren’t frightened. What would you do?


Negative Work and Energy Vampires

So following on from yesterday’s Good Beta, Betaized, Butler and Hooker Math.

Wolfie: OK. So how do we move from Betaized to Good Beta then? I’ve been running the MAP but this is an area where in the last couple of weeks I’ve started noticing directions & expectations.

Athol:  The only difference between Good Beta and Betaized is her attraction to you. So the only solution is to increase your attractiveness. If that entails cutting back on Beta goodies to work on your exercise and Alpha moves, you may as well do so, because all your Beta efforts count for nothing other wise.

Beta Tester:  So how do you change this? Don’t just say “run the MAP”. My wife works part time but parks her ass on the couch for 4 or more hours after work. She does not even put her clothes away after I wash and fold them. If I stop doing these chores, the house becomes a squalor pit and the kids and I have to live in it. Her solution is we need a larger house (big time shit test).

Athol:  I think the immediate move is to stop washing her clothes. Stop folding them. Stop putting them away. Don’t even touch them. Either she washes her clothes or she can look and smell bad. She’ll get mad as hell that you aren’t doing her laundry, but that’s simply a tactic to try and get you to change your attitude and get back to work catering to her. Ignore the entire issue. Ignore everything to do with her clothes. If she gets really pissed, start laughing and film her having a fit about you not washing her clothes.

Though I get the feeling that you’re doing a lot more than just the laundry. I also have a vague hunch that your wife is performing “Negative Work” in that she actually creates more mess by her presence in the house, than she provides in terms of chores and child care. Or at least she’s breaking even on positive vs negative effect on her presence in the house.

Several times I’ve ended up in situations at work where one employee is performing Negative Work. The days they don’t come in to work, or are on vacation, are more functional and productive with them not being around. The mood is better and more gets done without them, even if you’re short-staffed that day it can be better without them. Usually they are in a position of some kind of middling authority. Their mere presence drains the energy from the room as they demand, distract, delegate, depress and dominate an entire team. They also complain loudly that the team is failing, unmanageable, disloyal, requires constant supervision and that they are very unhappy in their job. Complaints about them, or direct criticisms of them, are typically met with harsh sanctions as a response.

Sound familiar?

The only solution that I’ve ever seen work with dealing with these people is that they get reamed out by someone in authority, nearly get fired and get a smack down a level on the totem pole. Otherwise, you simply have to get out from their sphere of influence. But there is no magical cure where they see the light and turn their shit around and become wonderful people. Sometimes though the rot goes up a couple of management levels, so it’s just easier to move sideways or out completely.


Assuming you’ve reasonably maxed out your attractiveness, well into a Phase Three and other women are showing you attention. You’ve stopped doing all the personal catering to her that you can without making the entire house a health and safety risk. Yet she’s still digging in like Jabba the Hutt on the couch and performing Negative Work. At some point you just have to either stop fighting her and be her minion forever, or say enough is enough and make a bid for freedom and stop carrying her through life.

There just are some basic functional practicalities about running a household. You need income and chores done. How that all gets assigned between the couple and the kids I really don’t care. But part of life is being a self-supporting functional adult and for lack of a better word… doing your job… and if you can’t do your job, you can’t have your job.

So yeah… run the MAP. Not what you wanted to hear I know and a whole lot easier for me to say, than for you to do. It’s worth it to be free of energy vampires though.

And yes… all this applies to husbands too. Even if you’re struggling to find work, there’s always something positive you can be doing. No free lunch. No rest for the wicked or something. About 40% of my email is from women about this exact same sort of issue. The advice I give them is no different than this post.


Good Beta, Betaized, Butler and Hooker Math

Beta skills are great. Everyone needs to know how to cook a meal, clean a house, buy groceries and generally have a full compliment of basic life skills. These really aren’t male or female skill sets in my mind, any one can do these. Kids can do them, I’ve taught people with developmental disabilities to do them.

Good Beta – I help out around the house a lot. I actually generally enjoy performing house work, I’m not saying our house is spotlessly clean and ready for the Queen to visit, but it’s not a health and safety concern either. Jennifer also does a lot of stuff around the house as well, so we both work and we both keep house. Jennifer is also appreciative of me helping out and I’m appreciative of her helping out.  Jennifer does more cooking and laundry than I do plus the grocery shopping. I do more yardwork, cleaning and move the high and the heavy objects. So in the context of Team Kay, my Beta skills and performance is a good thing.

I was actually quite pleased when in the middle of finishing off Thanksgiving Dinner together, Jennifer’s grandmother said, “Look at you two, it’s like you’re working in a restaurant.”   I’m performing Beta skills, but I’m also getting credit for them. I’m not building attraction that way, but I’m creating comfort and in Jennifer’s mind I’m getting points for it.

Betaized – This is where you’re still performing Beta skills, perhaps even exactly the same tasks as I’m doing, but you’re getting no credit for it. If your attractiveness is low, she doesn’t fear losing you, so all the Beta goodies you do are simply to make her life easier, rather than soothe away any sense of dread that you’re not emotionally attached to her. Thus…

If Jennifer is attracted to me, my helping out makes her feel safe about being attracted to me. I’m valuable to her vagina and I’m not one of those hit and run penises.

If Jennifer isn’t attracted to me, my helping out means my value to her is what I’m doing to make her life easier. Her vagina doesn’t care as long as my penis doesn’t go wandering off on an adventure.

You can tell when you’re in this situation because instead of her acting pleased, delighted or positive by your Beta goodies, she simply expects them. If all she does is a micro-second smile and praise routine, she’s simply being polite. Note the difference between her “positive attention” to you for doing something good, and how she acts when the dog takes a dump. If the dog is winning, you’re Betaized.

She’s also very likely giving you directions, demands, lists and expects task compliance. The marriage is run on her schedule and whim. You may very well be cooking gourmet meals, shelling out for expensive trips and surprising her with jewelry…  but it doesn’t count for shit unless she already wants to fuck you.

Butler – This is when Betaized turns into Betashit Crazy. If your wife is a SAHM… and you’re the one both holding down a job AND running about cooking, cleaning, taxi driving the kids everywhere, grocery shopping, yada yada yada…. you’re doing her whole damn job for her!

Now don’t get me wrong here, a SAHM isn’t going to be 100% responsible for every domestic chore in the house while hubby cracks open a beer and farts as hard as he can into the good sofa, that’s a bit much I agree. (Please refer back to “Team Kay” in the Good Beta section of this post, trust me, I get it.)  But if he comes home from work and then is doing 2-4 hours of chores of some description and then not getting even a whiff of the aroma of pussy… he’s basically her butler. His sole purpose is to provide her with a womb-like level of services.

You know how there’s that SAHM thing, itemizing out the value of everything she does to some crazy figure? You know, the one where it tries to assess the cost of everything she does on a per hour basis if was done by outside service providers. Personal chef $400 a week, maid service $300 a week, laundry $150 a week, personal shopper $250 a week, nanny $300 a week, nurse $100 a week, limo driver $300 a week….. = $1 million dollar value of service provided in a year. Okay, so hold that in your head for the next step…

Now account that value assessment for your own domestic chores, into your Hooker Math equation.

(Total yearly income from job + Bullshit domestic chore value plucked from air)  /  Number of times you have sex a year = Cost per lay

If your cost per lay is a figure that makes you disgusted,  you’re her butler.

Have a think about that.