Reader: Follow-up question: I like your analogy of the rat pulling the lever for a pellet of food. If the rat always gets a pellet then the rat will only show moderate interest and only when its hungry. If the pellet is random then the rat will get a bit more frantic about trying the lever. If we apply this to the “initiating attention” question then it would seem that a women would never have to show overt interest because she can count on the getting attention/sex anytime she wants. For example, my wife has probably been rejected for sex maybe 1 or 2 times in our marriage so the lever gives her a pellet anytime she wants it. So obviously she doesn’t spend a lot of time pulling it.
My question is “is there any merit to holding back attention from your wife randomly and even sometime declining her for sex in an effort to get her to want it more”?
Athol: You have that analogy correct. And yes there would be some benefit in mixing things up a little on her, but…
… the real trick is determining who is the rat and who is the lever.
If she’s in charge of the relationship / hotter than you, you’re the rat and she’s the lever. So you have to pull on the lever as many times as she likes before getting the sexual payoff. This is the whole Nice Guy trap of trying to please her, where the more you please her, the less payoff you get. Reducing your lever pulling efforts will likely result in her paying out an extra time or two, but it won’t really fix your problem of her basically not being wildly attracted to you. It’s more like a casino comping you free drinks; they still want you to be a sucker, they’re just trying to keep you at the table.
That is incidentally why when a husband has an emotional outburst about not having enough sex and being wildly unhappy in the marriage, he gets immediately laid by his wife. Once. Maybe twice. Then the crisis is over and she goes back to her baseline of disinterest. It’s about the same thing as “Oh wait don’t go! Here’s a Martini and $100 in free chips for our VIP player!”
However, once you start trumping her Sex Rank and start gaining control of the relationship, you become the lever and she becomes the rat. If you’re offering very high quality food pellets, many other rats will become quite interested in pulling your lever. Which would mean she would have to spend extra time clinging to the lever and pulling on it every time a food pellet was ready for delivery.
Then you just decide to become a high payout lever. Your rat is also pretty happy about having a high payout lever to pull and stays alert to guard it from other rats.
Of course once you’re the lever, mixing up the payoff results is particularly effective.