So following from the last post, we are left with the question of why would it be bad to have a female Captain, or even an equal 50/50 relationship.
Alrighty, here we go…
Imagine for a moment that there are two groups each consisting of a man and a woman working together on a shared project for their job. In the first group, the man is the woman’s boss. In the second group, the woman is the man’s boss. The work takes several months’ effort in relative privacy.
Jennifer: Even knowing what the post was about, I was totally expecting Athol’s next line to be a question about which group had a better work performance…
So… “In which group is the woman more likely to experience attraction to the man?”
Clue… Vaginas aren’t feminist.
The all too obvious answer is that in the first group with the male boss, the woman is most likely to experience attraction for him. This is just the way the world is. Female nurses fall in love with male doctors far more often they fall in love with male nurses aides. Female teachers fall in love with male principals far more than they fall in love with male janitors. Female managers fall in love with male directors far more often than they fall in love with a male working the retail counter.
For most women, there is a natural dynamic creating attraction that starts kicking in when a man is in a postion of social dominance over her. The primary purpose of the Captain and First Officer model is to seek to use that natural dynamic, to advantage the eroticism of the marriage. The act of casting the husband in the leadership role, effectively casts him as the Alpha Male of the Group and that creates attraction for him just by doing that alone.
So just to say it one more time, (!!!!) there is absolutely nothing immoral, or inappropriate to having a 50/50 marriage or a female-led relationship. It doesn’t affect my happiness how you run your marriage. If it works for you, please continue it. Seriously… I. Don’t. Care. What. Works. For. You.
My only concern with female-led relationships is that by doing so, the woman unwittingly subverts her primary purpose in having the relationship in the first place. It is very common that wives that end up dominating their husbands, find their attraction for him diminishing over time. I get zero email from husbands who are leading their relationship saying they have a sexless relationship. I get an avalanche of email from husbands who have dominant wives saying they have a sexless relationship. It’s really that simple.
It’s a terrible irony that women who get married truly wanting an erotic relationship with their husband, can damage the eroticism by taking control of the relationship. Whereas if they let him lead, that would support the erotic potential of the relationship. This is a very subtle but cumulative effect at work and it can compound over several years before it really starts being felt in the marriage. The women very, very, very rarely are aware of this happening on a conscious level – usually they just struggle to understand why they fell out of love with their husband.
More frequently than not, women are appalled at the realization their sexuality actually works this way. You would think that the $74 trillion dollar romance novel market featuring dominant male leads would have tipped them off.
Jennifer plays the First Officer role not because she’s stupid, weak or incapable, but because she’s consciously aware that it adds to her sexual interest in me. Plus it allows her to feel more comfortable gaining enjoyment from moments of being supportive and submissive. It allows her to be her. Being First Officer is getting her what she wants from being married.
Being the Captain casts me as the Alpha Male of the Group, and creates attraction, but there’s also the equally important requirement that I continue my Beta Traits in the marriage as well, and seek to make Jennifer comfortable with our relationship. So all the Beta Traits related to comfort building are vital to have as well. Being the Captain is absolutely not about being a thug-husband.
I mean not for nothing, but probably 80-90% of my “orders” to Jennifer are simply to stop working so hard, rest, take a nap, go relax this is good enough. My #1 and #2 used items in my Captain’s toolbox are the words, “please” and “thank you.” I’m not forcing her to do anything.
Jennifer: I think what people are missing is that in terms of the quality of the decision, it’s wouldn’t be better or worse for either Athol or me making it. We talk the options out together, we just need someone to decide. I thought the question at the start of the post was going to be something about the team with the male boss being better than the female boss team. It’s not about that, it’s about attraction.
Athol: And just to be clear on other possible misunderstandings…
This is not about all men being dominant over all women. This is not about what women can or cannot do in the workplace. This not about a religious dictate to do anything. This is not about a divine right simply for being male. This is about how to create and sustain an erotic long term relationship with one woman.
Alright I’m done, I’m starting to feel like I’m doing the roar on this issue…