The Male Rationalization Hamster

Anacona:  Discussing male infidelity with [another reader] it seems that manosphere has this idea that men that choose not to get attached to occasional sexual flings are indeed incapable of betraying their vows and moving on from their wife because they unlike women are not hypergamous. I contested this position because I lived in cheating island and I lost count how many times a man with a wife will break a marriage against common sense, convenience and even their life for the chance of just have sex with the woman they developed a sort of sexual frenzy for.
There is even a culture of “benching” for sitting in the bench, in which a woman might have sex with a married man in the hopes of becoming a mistress and later on a second wife, she usually picks an older established man that can support both but that could had never picked her as primary wife due to societal pressures and with the advantage of being a decade or two younger than the wife and tries to do her best to be sexually enticing and nice enough for him to choose her as second wife once his relationship with the wife goes south.
I was thinking that if women are hunting for better genes, men are looking for better fertility and fecundity odds, so it would make sense that if a man is banging both an older woman and a younger one his body will act to bond him with the one with the best chances of giving him more offspring and if he does that during his marriage then surely the aging wife would be read as “not fertile” anymore while the younger extramarital liaisons being read as “fertile” and more potential offspring for him, so again it will make sense for him do ditch the older wife and try and secure the conquests. Which will explain how often this occurs in my country and really Athol I had seen men willing to lose their jobs, social circle and money because a teenager drove then insane with lust so there most be some powerful forces at work there.
Athol:  You’re both partly right, and basically just describing the two standard sexual strategies that everyone chooses to play from.

(1)  The “monogamy” / long term / raise kids together / high commitment strategy
(2)  The “cheating” / opportunistic / get better genes / cuckold / low commitment strategy

So yes, men can have a wife (1) and a girlfriend (2) at the same time. He can screw the girlfriend casually and not get to wildly emotionally attached to her – because he’s not committed to her. She’s a pump and dump.

However as the wife (1) ages, she becomes less appealing on a Body Agenda level to make children with. So when he starts up a (2) relationship with a younger woman on the side, there starts being increasing risk that his Body Agenda will decide that the girlfriend is the better option to pursue a (1) strategy with. When that happens, he will experience a massive mental shift, and because he’s now committed to her, he follows through with all kinds of risky behavior to ensure that he creates a relationship with her.

When the shift happens, the wife is no longer the (1) strategy, and she doesn’t even qualify as the (2) strategy anymore either. So the shift means she becomes a person of no importance sexually to the husband. Very quickly any feelings for her will vanish so he can more easily discard her.

This is the classic “mid-life crisis” thing where a completely normal husband suddenly turns into a “teenage boy” and does a great deal of “Incredibly stupid things that mess everything up for everyone else.”(TM)  But as far as his Body Agenda is concerned, if he gets an extra couple of kids from it, it’s all worth the drama he causes.

During this shift in allegiance from the wife to the girlfriend, the husband will have the full fledged Rationalization Hamster experience. Old wife bad. New wife good.

So for the girls “on the bench”, it’s a potentially winning strategy as a way of mate-poaching. However they would be more successful at this strategy if they don’t actually sleep with the husband too easily and simply engage him on an emotional level. They are auditioning for the role of “wife” and not “girlfriend”, and a woman that doesn’t just give it up easily makes a better option for committing to. The more they hold out sex as something they require commitment for before they give it out, or threaten to take it away without commitment, the stronger their hand is.

There is also the risk for the older man that despite all the drama they go through to get in a primary relationship with the younger woman, they are being cuckolded by her. What the younger woman most needs from him is resources, what she needs least from him is his semen. It would be logical to assume that a woman capable of cynically waiting in line to mate-poach, would also be capable of cynically cuckolding as well. You can give up everything to be with a young hottie and turn into a cuckolded diaper changing chump that ain’t gettin’ any.

The resultant drama of dumping the wife and splitting finances may also damage the reproductive chances of the husbands children he has had with his wife. Maybe there’s no longer enough money for his son to attend college for example. Maybe his daughters never get their teeth straightened. So his risk to jump ship must be carefully weighed against multiple factors.

But in general, the hotter, younger and more sexually virtuous the girl is, the more likely the husband will fall head over heels in love with her.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand…because inquiring minds will want to know…

The best defense for the wife is to (1) stay as physically attractive as she can, (2) have brief periods of being out of her husbands routine observation, (3) suddenly display knowledge of new sexual techniques, (4) start wearing sexier underwear, and (5) attempt to engage in brief periods of hyper-sexuality with her husband – as in suddenly wanting it multiple times in a 24 hour period and being highly active and vocal during that time as well.  One notes that I did not say she should cheat on him, just…. well…  pull on his… attention.

Oh and also helpful is, (6) know some fabulous lawyers.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    This is probably the most depressing post I have read on this site. I don't completely accept your evolutionary biology approach to sexuality, but even if it's partly true this is just so depressing.

  2. Athol Kay says:

    I understand completely Anon. There's not much you can do to spin that the Red Pill does not taste like chocolate.

    That being said, while I show you the problem, I also am showing you solutions.

    Knowledge is power.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Athol, good post today. The female MLC operates in an analogous manner, and leaves many victims in its wake as well. The Red Pill is hard to swallow, but so necessary.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Great post as usual, Athol. I'm wondering if you've seen that Woody Allen movie, "You'll meet a tall dark stranger". Not a particularly good one, but one of the plots illustrates very well the dynamics of the middle-life crisis, with the bonus that is having Anthony Hopkins playing the in-crisis-husband.

  5. Eric says:

    Of course, it also helps to admit that the man who drives a successful marriage off a cliff because he caved in to emotional temptations (be they driven by evolutionary impulses or something else) is sort a weak-willed scumbag. Plenty of men can resist such temptations if they have a satisfying home life… in fact, plenty of men resist such temptation when they are married to screeching harpies who deserve to be cheat on, because they made a vow to never cheat and that means something to them.

  6. Lainey says:

    Eric, I agree. You are a good man. I'm married to the same kind of man. :)

    I don't think a man should have to live with a harpy. Pick wisely guys. Pick very wisely.

  7. Doug1 says:

    Athol–

    What you’re describing here is the classic female nightmare, and what most people who haven’t looked into this on the web tend to think is the usual or very frequent pattern of divorce.

    It isn’t though in actual fact. We know that in the US at least (and similarly Britain) women file for divorce 2.5x more than men, and that many divorce lawyers say that in the case of college educated couples with children, women are really the ones behind divorce about 90% of the time. Men don’t want to lose their children and their families, or have to move out of their homes. Women tend to think they’re just getting rid of their husbands, to go off and hunt for another one, serial monogamy styles, as they had previously done with boyfriends periodically.

    As for your recommendations to women on how to avoid this, they’re all good, but I’d add another. Marry a man 7 to 10 years older than yourself, when you’re in your mid 20’s.

  8. Doug1 says:

    Although Anacaona’s scenario doesn’t happen in a very high percentage of American divorces, when it does happen it tends to happen with the most desireable and highly affluent or even rich husbands. Those of course are the ones that feminist elites want to lock down with such onerous 2nd wave feminist provisions as men have to split all of the wealth they earn during their marriage fifty fifty, no matter how great, such as is gonna happen with Kobe Bryant’s $150 million in salary and endorsements.

  9. Doug1 says:

    In America at least it’s pretty rare for a married man with kids to leave his wife for a mistress. Certainly that’s the wisdom that girl friends of single girls who sleep with married men tend to tell each other.

    What I don’t get is a situation such as Anacaona paints, where the husband doesn’t want to leave his wife for this mistress he’s cheating on her, but to rather sleep with both and try to be discreet about the mistress, but the American wife though a lot of diligent snooping finds out he’s been cheating on her – and divorces him though it’s otherwise a good and successful marriage.

    Why does that make sense for her is what I want to know. I sure got a lot of heat for saying this over at Hooking Up Smart, but to me it’s a triumph of emotion over rationality.

  10. GC says:

    Agree with Doug – at 27 I married a man who was 8 years older. It has worked great for us for 25 years. I am always the "younger wife," regardless of age!
    Also agree that this post is depressing

  11. Anonymous says:

    Good post and comments.
    But here is the rub. I am 56 and my wife is 49. There is an age difference. But, she still did "hit the wall" as Roissy (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/nothing-compares-2-the-wall/)would put it, her sex drive is down, she is fat, and was never a sexually adventuress. As a feminist, she would never take the best defense for a wife.
    I do crave a younger, cuter, and hornier (hotter) lover on the side, and why not as a main dish? Am I wrong?

  12. Z says:

    But when the middle aged man leaves his middle aged but good looking (and getting fit, and losing weight, and talking about how she is tempted but won't leave for another) wife for a *man*, there's not much she can do.

    Z

  13. templariidvm says:

    Just the hypersexuality would work for me . . .

  14. Julia says:

    Doug1:

    To use a very tired old phrase from the manosphere – the hamster is strong in you.
    Anyone who plans on a little side action should NOT get married; just don't! Why bother? Any woman who "wouldn't mind" a little cheating is probably a woman who's somewhat disengaged from her husband…and that will be a whole other complaint: the emotionally unavailable wife.

    (for me, just the potential threat of being exposed to STDs would put me in a rage)

  15. Anonymous says:

    Anon at 10:58 – Have you tried running the MAP? You cannot change her, but you might be able to change her response to you.

  16. Anonymous says:

    "That being said, while I show you the problem, I also am showing you solutions."

    Yes, but part of the solution is giving the impression that you might be cheating on him and knowing some good divorce lawyers. That is not encouraging.

  17. Anonymous says:

    But the other part of the solution is to start doing what you should have been doing all along.

  18. Athol Kay says:

    What I don’t get is a situation such as Anacaona paints, where the husband doesn’t want to leave his wife for this mistress he’s cheating on her, but to rather sleep with both and try to be discreet about the mistress, but the American wife though a lot of diligent snooping finds out he’s been cheating on her – and divorces him though it’s otherwise a good and successful marriage.

    Because cheaters rarely change their ways, so not divorcing him is essentially setting herself up for being cheated on further. He's always going to divert resources away from the marriage, and possibly leave her for a younger woman… so she "cashes out" while all the resources are in a big pile still.

  19. Anacaona says:

    To add to Athol
    Case 1
    I knew women that considered cheating normal and endured it all her marriage. When she was celebrating her 75 birthday(her husband passed out a few years ago) I congratulated her she said "most of those years enduring cheating from that bastard…" it doesn't get better with age I don't know about you but I rather go to old age happy that I lived my life with a good man that never cheated on me than bitter for having stayed with him even if the kids and marriage survived her spirit did not, also if that is the kind of widow you want to leave that the most persistent memory of you is your cheating ways well I guess more power to you,,,

    Case 2
    Man cheated on wife with a slightly younger woman wife was willing to put up with cheating, he was sick of wife he took his clothes and left her, 7 months pregnant with their first child. Ex-wife hasn't got over it six year down the line and broke up with recent boyfriend when he proposed she is terrified of getting cheat on and abandoned again. She gave up on marriage before hitting 30 and she like me was a virgin so the hardening was total consequences of her husband fucking other women, yes she actually endured a lot of others he still left her.

    There are no guarantees with cheaters, cheating is a mark of poor character always, unless the person in question will literally die if they don't fuck other people they are showing that their dick/vagina takes precedent over their word, commitment and well being of their SO, so divorcing is the first measure. If she/he chooses to work it out is her/his choice but I can't tell anyone that enduring cheating or accepting will bring them any kind of happiness or even guarantee a long lasting marriage. I had never seen it so far.

    So yeah you can take a turd dry it in the sun, paint it with coat of 24k gold and sell it as jewelry and many people will say "well it has real gold in it, I will buy it" but in my experience with time the gold coat will wear out and the turd will stink so is a bad investment and I wouldn't buy it a piece of shit painted with gold, YMMV.

  20. Sweet As says:

    To defend Doug1, I am under the understanding that he and his wife have an open relationship, where this situation is completely communicated — and i would assume has from the beginning — and as such, any other relationships with women would *not* be cheating, technically speaking.

    I have many friends in "unusual" marriages, and the primary factor is communication. Everyone is clear on the various boundaries and rules of the relationship, and everyone is in agreement. This would not usually lead to divorce, in and of itself. And, I do have several friends who have been married as long as I have (about 10 to 15 years) who are in these arrangements.

    If one is choosing a monogamous marriage, and thinks to see another "in secret" — then it is cheating. If one is actively asserting that s/he is not seeking monogamy, and that "this is how it will be," then the potential wife/husband can "pass."

    And, in my opinion, this is the same when we are talking about heterosexual couples as well as homosexual and those that might also have one partner as a bisexual. As long as everyone is communicating and open — not cheating. When someone isn't communicating and open — cheating.

  21. Anacaona says:

    @Sweet as
    I agree with the opennesses before he/she signs the dotted line, but that was never part of the marriages I saw.

  22. Doug1 says:

    Sweet As–

    Yes,you're right. We have an open relationship with rules, and discussed all this before she moved in with me. She has veto rights over any particular girl, both before hand and if she thinks it's getting too emotionally intense. No cheating has been going on. Don't really do it very much. Most of the time when we have it's been Mff threesomes.

  23. Julia says:

    Yeah, obviously, if you both agree to roaming rights, before or during the marriage/relationship, it isn't considered cheating by most people. The terms are negotiable to you and all other parties and it's private business. Communication and consent are key.

    Assuming you have license to do this because YOU feel women should go along with it without any of that pesky emotional fuss is just your personal opinion and may not be shared with your wife/partner. Pretty obvious, right?

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