How You Like Me Now

Can’t tell you guys exactly what it is just yet, but I had some absolutely fabulous news yesterday. And trust me, unless you already know what it is you can’t come close to guessing it right. It’s up there on the “Well maybe there is a God after all” range of improbability.

Here’s the theme music for the happy dance…

Jennifer is excited too… just not as excited as I am lol.

Jennifer: Oh I’m excited, just a little frightened.

Athol: All I heard was that you’re turned on.

Jennifer: Walked into that one didn’t I.

Athol:  /looks in the direction of the bedroom

What Do To If She Miscarries

Just a quick add on to my recent pregnancy post - mostly because I didn’t want to drag it down with this stuff.
Sometimes she loses the baby and miscarries.
As soon as you get that news, no matter what you are doing, or where you are, or how important it is… you make an absolute beeline for her and push the limits of social nicety to do so. This really is an emergency situation as she is in a deeply disturbed state of mind and anything trivial can be blown up into major drama over years. You really do NOT want to “finish off your shift” and get to her four hours later when you could have been there in 30 minutes, not unless you want to risk having “he wasn’t there for me when I needed him” burned into her psyche forever.
When you get there, all you need to do is (1) be physically present, (2) hold her and (3) run interference and block anything other than other than people that genuinely care for her too and want to also be doing (1) and (2).
You don’t really need to say anything. There’s no words that can fix it in that moment, and only words that can make it worse. If you tell her anything, tell her the (1) (2) (3) plan.
It’s going to be a little while until she recovers from this. Her needs for comfort are going to be extreme, so dial up the Beta and ride out the wave of grief.
If she asks why you aren’t crying, tell her, “Someone had to be strong for the both if us.”
Jennifer’s first pregnancy was easy as pie. She miscarried her second pregnancy about a month after she knew she was pregnant. I can’t remember how long she cried, but she pretty much broke down and sobbed in my arms every night for a good 5-6 nights in a row. Even after that she was still drifting along unhappy. In all seriousness I just decided the only thing I could really do was get her pregnant again as quickly as possible and that pretty much played out to plan as she fell pregnant again on her next cycle. I am the Baby Sniper after all. (One Cumshot, One Medical Bill.)
If I have any words of advice and comfort for couples that miscarry it’s this…
It’s less traumatic to say you had a miscarriage and leave it at that, than to do the whole naming your baby, building a shrine and treating the expected delivery date like an actual birthday thing. Doing that can make it all far more vividly real and more painful for you and much harder to let go.
Your body has it’s own wisdom and counsel. You will likely never know the reason the miscarriage happened, but you can have some small faith that your body knew what it was doing. Between Jennifer and myself we now have about 37 or 38 years of experience in the developmental disabilities field. Please take our assurances that while there really are quite fun and happy disabled people with rich lives that defy your expectation of what a limit is, there are also disabled people that live quite tragic existences too. Plus to be quite blunt, it is a rare couple that has a seriously developmentally delayed child that does not ultimately divorce.
But like I said earlier, if she miscarries…  it’s probably best to just shut your mouth and hold her.

Does Fitness Testing Ever Stop?

Reader:  Hi Athol, I have a personal question for you.  You can post it if you want.
Do the fitness tests ever stop even after the sex and emotional relationship is great again?  Does Jennifer still fitness test you?  In my case, we can have several days of amazing sex and emotional high together and then suddenly there are 2 or 3 days where she is irritable and bitchy with me about any little thing.  As usual, if I react at all or even try to talk about what is bothering her, things start to go downhill.  If I don’t react at all she will get over it eventually after a day or so and then the amazing sex and emotions come back.  Its easy to be non-reactive for an emotional outburst here and there, but when it goes on for 2 or 3 days its difficult to pretend like it doesn’t bother me.  I’m not even sure if these episodes are fitness tests or not.  Any thoughts?
Athol:  Assuming that you aren’t confusing her originally asking for something reasonable in a reasonable tone of voice and getting annoyed that you aren’t being helpful as a Fitness Test, then yes you can for the most part hope that Fitness Tests drop away to an occasional blip on the radar.

Fitness Testing is sparked by your lack of Alpha and once you get that together, there’s not much reason for her to test you anymore. It’s more of a calibration thing where you go “oh yeah I have been a little lax on the Alpha and overboard on the Beta recently” and then you readjust and move on.

Jennifer tends heavily toward natural submission, so even my moderate Alpha from obvious sexual intensity pretty much keeps her testing very low. I’m also wired for high mental and emotional intensity and… well… let’s just say I understand women really well lol. I supply Jennifer with all the drama she needs with this whole Tony Stark / Pepper Potts thing going on.
Grrr… not the exact video I was looking for, but watch it anyway. Great recovery line lol.

Jennifer:  I am for the most part the opposite of a Drama Queen.  No need for fitness testing, and I cringe at other people who do it, so that’s not particularly a problem I have.

10 Things To Do When Shes Pregnant

So she’s pregnant. Welcome to hardcore.
The basic advice for dealing with a pregnant woman, is the same as dealing with a non-pregnant woman. Which is I guess  kinda like saying driving an IndyCar is basically the same as driving a Ford Focus. You’re doing the same thing you’ve always done, just with increased attention and respect for the situation.
The essential change with pregnancy is suddenly her interest in responding to Alpha Traits drops markedly, and her interest in your Beta Traits increases. The reason for this is that mostly the Alpha stuff is about demonstrating things that are advertising your good genetics, but once she’s pregnant she’s already got all the the genetic material she needs from you. Once baby is on the way, baby will need a crap-ton of resources to get to reach adulthood. Supplying all those resources is far more the Beta Trait arena than the Alpha. Plus it helps to have a domestically supportive mate helping with baby so she doesn’t have to do it all herself.
So if you were a PUA champ focusing on Alpha and make a whoopise-doodle and get someone pregnant, when things get difficult afterwards, doing nothing but “bumping back on her Fitness Tests” and maintaining your Alpha is the exact wrong thing to do. It’s going to make her even less comfortable in the relationship and make her freak out even more.
If you’re a Nice Guy or recovering Nice Guy, the Betaization Trap is that you completely stop the Alpha stuff during the pregnancy, and don’t ever pick it up again after the baby is born. At some point in the future her Body Agenda is very likely going to want another kid, and she’s going to want to look for genetic material from someone with Alpha Traits in place.
Balance. The answer is always to balance the Alpha and Beta stuff, just that while she’s pregnant the balance point is moved toward the Beta Traits.
There’s also a big dose of random with every pregnancy. Some pregnancies are easy and joyful with her craving sex. Some pregnancies are long, hard and unpleasant. Most women swing back and forth between the two extremes a couple times. That randomness is what gets a lot of men suckered into allowing her to take control of the relationship.
The Nice Guy thought process defaults to the idea that pregnancy is a special time, so simply catering to her every whim and mood while she’s pregnant is a good thing. Not putting her way up high on the Pregnancy Pedestal is unthinkable to a Nice Guy, which does make sense in that a Nice Guy can hardly believe he actually got someone pregnant in the first place, so the golden womb must be protected at all costs.
Of course it is pretty easy to roll the Pregnancy Pedestal into the Won’t You Think Of The Children tactic, which then rolls seamlessly into the I’m So Exhausted From The Children I Can’t Hold A Job Or Have Sex With You strategy. After that it’s the fast track to I’m So Sick Of You Taking Me For Granted I Need To Have Time For Myself…
So how you handle pregnancy is quite critical. Some basic rules…
(1)  Take the approach that bad behavior is in fact bad behavior. There is no Testosterone Defense allowable for bad behavior, so neither should there be an Estrogen Defense for bad behavior. Hormones may very well explain bad behavior, but they do not excuse it. If she’s acting badly, call her on it.
(2)  Don’t fail her Fitness Testing when she’s pregnant. “I’m pregnant” is not an all purpose get out of unpleasant tasks card to be played for nine months. Asking you to do things she is perfectly capable of doing herself is a test. Telling you to take over all the household chores when she is three months pregnant is a test.
(3)  Do respond positively to her reasonable requests made in a reasonable tone of voice. If something is honestly easier for you to do than for her to do, why not just go ahead and do it?
(4)  Understand and appreciate that the further into the pregnancy she gets, the number of things that make up a reasonable request gets larger and larger. Seriously helping out around the home, taking over some tasks she would usually be doing and getting up to the level of “catering to her” in the final month of the pregnancy is fine. If you’ve been doing (1) (2) and (3) all along, by the time you’re in nearly in butler mode in the final few weeks, she should be voicing appreciation for what you’re doing. 
(5)  If she’s screaming at you like you’re her rented bitch, don’t comply with her request.
(6)  Be actively interested in her medical care and progress toward delivery. You may not be able to make it to all the medical appointments depending on your work schedule, but do try and get to a couple. If nothing else text her about them… “How did it go?”
(7)  Continue to seek sexual contact with her. Unless you hear from the doctor that sex shouldn’t be happening, sex during pregnancy is safe and quite normal. Sex may need to become somewhat more opportunistic as the pregnancy progresses and you won’t be able to do a fair number of positions as she progresses further either. The frame is that your need for sex didn’t go away just because she’s pregnant, and as limited as some things are, it’s important to keep the sexual contact together as much as you can.
(8)  If you do happen to get the “No sex” ruling from the doctors, don’t complain about it. It is what it is. Her completely refusing sex in the final month isn’t unexpected either. Even easy stuff like going down on her might not be something she can relax enough for. There’s a lot of pressure down there, it’s not easy to come to orgasm if she can’t tell if she’s going to orgasm or accidentally shit in your face.
(9)  Remain calm. That’s a big one. Having a baby is of course a big change in your life, but if you’re running around like you’re freaking out about it, that means she’s fearing that you’re going to turn into a second person she has to take care of in addition to the baby. You simply being attentive, present and unflappable makes her free safe and protected. Also you don’t need to be a nurse or a doctor to get a feeling in the pit of your stomach that she suddenly doesn’t look right… if you do, just dial 911 and be attentive, present and unflappable.
(10)  Accept that you a passenger on her ride. What you want to happen, or how you feel about her being pregnant, is largely irrelevant to the situation. She is pregnant, so deal with it. You saying anything negative about her being pregnant, not wanting the baby or so on, should be regarded as planting a hypnotic suggestion in her to start hating you. It really is possible to effectively end your marriage with a single sentence spoken particularly poorly. 
Jennifer:  That is fabulous advice all around. The entire way she views life and goes about her daily activities has changed, so be patient and be openminded, but don’t be a doormat.

The Beta Double Bind

Athol:  The back story is shortly after getting married plus two quick kids, the finances take a nosedive, and he works his ass off to turn that around. Things had very much cooled off for a while and then warmed up again once he found MMSL and bumped up the Alpha… and then she got pregnant again and suddenly everything flip-flopped back into cold. (As an aside, I should probably add pregnancy to my disclaimers… or is that an added extra I should charge more for? Hmmm…)
Reader:  She said she thought I had not treated her properly over the last few years.  She felt “ignored, abandoned and unloved.”  I will admit I spent a lot of time working and traveling, so maybe not enough Beta, I don’t really know.  Now I am not being Alpha enough, but before when I was working and traveling not enough Beta?  Can you explain that one to me?

Athol:  Alpha and Beta are two separate Traits. So you were likely being some combination of being “not enough Alpha with her” AND “not enough Beta with her” over the last few years.

The not enough Beta angle is going to seem very unfair to you, but here it is… If you (1) didn’t make enough money, the lack of money means not a very comfortable existence = not enough Beta. But… if you (2) had to be gone an awful lot working your ass off to make enough money, the lack of you being around and emotionally present means not a very comfortable existence = not enough Beta.

So either way, on the Beta front, you were going to come up as “not enough Beta.” This is called a Double Bind. Over the long term I personally think the making the money is a better strategy, but it can feel emotionally hollow to her. I get that you didn’t want to turn yourself into the family ATM, but if you’re essentially gone a lot and your major contribution to the family is your income… you’re the ATM.

Thus the response to combat that now is to bring your own emotions into play and express them to her. Express to her how much you didn’t want to be apart from her and the kids to go to work. Express to her how you thought you were doing the right thing keeping the family afloat. Express to her you thought that if you could push through the rough few years, that she would appreciate what you had put yourself through just so you could be with her. Tell her you thought she would love you more, not love you less.

Tell her you thought you were working to save your family, not lose your family.  It’s okay to lose it a little on this point. I’m not saying turn into the blubbering snot monster, I’m saying let her see that you’re actually invested in the relationship emotionally. Show some force of emotion.

She’s not going to sexually connect to you, unless she feels that you are emotionally connected to her.
 
The Alpha stuff I think you have a fairly decent handle on. Just keep doing what you’re doing as obviously you’ve seen the benefit of adding that into the mix. She’s starting to experience that as you distancing yourself from her though, so you do need to keep the Beta stuff together and balance it out.

Though once she got pregnant to you again, the payoff for the Alpha increase diminished greatly, and she’s right back at that feeling of needing far more relationship comfort from you. I’ll talk about how to handle her being pregnant tomorrow.

And for those reading who are outraged at the “ungrateful wife”… bear in mind it’s an extremely difficult situation being broke, pregnant twice, dealing with toddlers and with a husband that is away a lot. Logically yes, it makes perfect sense that he was working so hard, but she’s not a Vulcan. You have to expect her to have some sort of emotional response to it all. 

Emotional Blockages and Apologizing

Athol:  The set up to the reader email below is that she complained he didn’t make enough money, so he made some career changes and made lots of money but wasn’t around much anymore. By his own admission he started ignoring her. He caught her affair just before it became physical. After that the cold war starts with her blaming him for driving her to an emotional affair, and him quiting the big job and not finding that helped with reconnecting… five years later he finds MMSL…
Reader:  I’ve waited for a long time to reply because I wanted to see how things were going to shake out. That said…you were fuckin right on the money. I went back to stage 3 and once again concentrated on myself while waiting for things to sink in with her. Finally after a couple more weeks she came to me and asked me if was leaving her. I told her I didn’t want to leave her but she was pushing me away a little more every day.  Well, our little talk turned into a huge fight until finally she yelled out “why don’t you just leave me like everyone else has!” That was the turning point. I sat there for a couple of minutes, pointed at her and told her I was going to leave the room for a few minutes and I wanted her to think about what she just said. When I went back she was still crying and I told her that I never left our marriage but she did. I told her I would never leave my wife but she stopped being my wife a long time ago and I just wanted my wife back. I also suggested that she was projecting her feelings from her parents divorce onto our situation and that it wasn’t fair to me. She said that her mother complained that her father was never there and that was why they divorced. I told her that I made a mistake working too much but I had been there at her side for five years and that she was the one acting like her father not giving any effort toward our marriage. I asked her if she would read something and I pulled up your January 4th post “Captain and Bored Passenger.” I told her I acknowledged my mistakes working way too many hours and not being there for her. I also told her she was doing the same thing by being there in body but not in spirit. Since then she has been making steady progress and things are much much better. In Individual Counseling she has discussed her mother’s LTR with a married man and her aunt (who she was very close to) cheating on her uncle many times while he was in the military. The counselor says that is most likely where she developed bad boundaries due to terrible role models.
I know you like to hear about your reader’s and their success stories. I just wanted to write you and let you know to make another chalk check-mark in the success column for me on your Saved Marriages Board. Thank you for everything you do and make sure to tell Jennifer that her sacrifices allowing you to do such good work helped save my marriage.

Athol:   Note the lack of a need for an ultimatum in this story. He just ran the MAP for several months and she brought it all to a head. Him simply becoming more attractive and starting to slowly withdraw from pursuing her was all it took.

Also as “non-Alpha” as actually apologizing and owning up to a mistake is, it’s absolutely key sometimes to breaking an emotional deadlock. And yes I agree, she shouldn’t have had an emotional affair and should have come to him with a fair warning of how things were slipping away. But that doesn’t excuse his wrongdoing of ignoring her for several years. Apologizing for your errors is fine. Just do it once and don’t repeat the behavior you needed to apologize for. Do not repeat the apology over and over, if they can’t accept it, that’s now on their end of the problem not yours.

Once you break the barrier on your side of the cold war, it’s far easier for her to break it down on her side. If she doesn’t of course, then there’s not much you can do about it apart from sadly wishing her the best of luck as you really do head for the exit. If she wants to hate you, she wants to hate you. It’s pretty hard living with endless hate when you want to love.

Also during the five year cold war, sex did resume and happen with some frequency, but she wasn’t orgasming. This in fact was the issue that drove him to seek me out. So… how is she on the orgasm front now?

Reader:  She says she is orgasming just like old times and I have also noticed a big difference. In fact the other day after a particularly energetic evening she said she could tell she had multiple orgasms the night before because she was still feeling it the next morning in work.
Athol:  Well giggity giggity giggity giggity, alright.

Training Him To Not Give You The Sex You Want

Reader:  It seems that the last few posts and many of the husband’s comments and replies to comments run along the same theme. The theme is that the sexual relationship has improved if the frequency increases and especially if they are getting more BJs and handjobs (and maybe throw in a different position).
I can see where this might be more pleasurable for the guy but don’t see how this is all that much more pleasurable for the woman. She gives him more orgasms but she gets what?
My husband is all for the BJs and handjobs but he is very particular as to how they are done and he wants them to go on a lot longer than sometimes I have the stamina,jaw and mouth strength for or even interest in. I find myself wishing he would just cum already and sometimes partway through I just feel utterly bored. It doesn’t make me want to do this for him as often as he would like. He also pokes and pulls on my breasts during these times not to get my interest but because he is using that to add to his stimulation.
I have asked for several changes to add to our sex life (sex toys, learn more ideas for sexual together time,play a sexy game,etc.). He will never do any of this and then wonders why he doesn’t get the frequency he’d like from intercourse. He just says he has no interest in those things and we just need to have sex more often (and I_ just need to give him a BJ or handjob more often).
As a shy wife it has taken a lot of effort to even let him know what I would like to do to pique my interest and since he doesn’t seem to want to do any of those things I am now embarrassed I said anything. I also look at some of these “success” stories and wonder why I don’t get all excited at the idea of giving more BJs or handjobs. It seems like these wives are all wildly turned on now but I don’t understand the transition or why the things they weren’t doing before now turn them on!!
He doesn’t like to kiss much or do slow sexy neck kissing or anything like lifting my mouth up for a kiss. I miss that kind of stuff.
He just says we need to have sex more frequently (complains about me) but what he means by sex is more handjobs,more BJs ,no kissing,little foreplay and intercourse in a perfunctory way. I tried to do it his way for three weeks whenever he wanted it and he seemed to like it just fine but I ended up bored and depressed. He probably felt things were going a whole lot better in the sex dept. but they weren’t for me so I just dropped off on most of it again.
I guess I’d like to feel wildly turned on like these improved marriages show but don’t know how to get there.
Athol:  The problem for most of my readers is that the wife has a higher Sex Rank than they do and that causes the lack of attention they get from their wife. So when they increase their Sex Rank, their wife becomes more interested in them.
For you, I suspect you have something similar going on. At the very least he doesn’t seem all that interested in you in the bedroom. So let’s have a look at things you can potentially change.
The first thing to understand is that your orgasm and sexual enjoyment, is your responsiblity. Yes indeed it takes two to tango, but in the end the person that makes your orgasm happen is you. You have to say what works for you, and you have to stand up for yourself and demand it.
Secondly if you don’t like the sex, you don’t have to do it. I know I talk about all kinds of different sex acts on the blog, and I also say that only about 30% of what you try as a couple works. It sounds like you’re living in the 70% of stuff that doesn’t work for you, far more than the 30% that does work.
The third piece of the puzzle is that you keep giving him the sex that he wants, when you aren’t getting the sex that you want. So while your talk is saying you don’t want this to be happening, your actions are saying that you don’t mind doing it. So you’re actually training him to give you awful sex.
As a practical model of having sex….
If Jennifer wants an orgasm or two on any given night, 99.99% of the time she gets her orgasms before I get mine. The reason for this is simply, once I have my orgasm the sex is over. That sounds very self-centered, but the practical reality is that I typical lapse into a 5-10 nap within 1-2 minutes of orgasming, so I can’t really help Jennifer anymore lol. Also the end goal of having sex is squirting a bunch of semen up the vagina, so I think most people get that once the guy shoots his rocket off, that the sex is over. So anyway, if Jennifer wants an orgasm, it’s however she wants it.
If Jennifer doesn’t want an orgasm, I just don’t give a crap about trying to get her one. It’s pretty much the direct road to whatever I want that night to get me off.
Now to be sure, I really really like getting Jennifer off, but it’s very hard work getting her off when she’s not really wanting it, too tired or still too sore from the jumper cables and the butter the night before. Plus it’s not that much fun for her either. I always offer them to her, but in the end her orgasm is her responsiblity not mine.
I know Jennifer gets that lockjaw thing happening with blowjobs and I’m pretty sure her hands get tired with handjobs sometimes too (though she does know me well enough to get it done in under two minutes whether I want to hold back on cumming or not), but she doesn’t mind that nearly as much because she is also getting what she wants sexually. Sometimes I do stuff for her that she likes but I’m ho-hum about, sometimes she does stuff for me that I like but she’s ho-hum about. It’s Tit for Tat, but we’re swapping a good sex Tit for a good sex Tat. Win-Win.
So coming back to you…
Your sex is a Win-Lose at the moment. He’s getting everything he wants and you’re getting nothing you want. So the solution is fairly simple to think about doing. On any night you don’t get what you want, the next night don’t give him what he wants. On any night you get what you want, the next night give him what he wants. Ideally you both get what you want on the same night and repeat it into the future.
Understand that once you’re starting a blowjob or a handjob, you’re pretty much committing to finishing it off. Obviously you can just stop giving one, but it’s going to inflame things if you get him halfway and stop. So if you haven’t gotten what you wanted by the time you started heading him to an orgasm, you aren’t getting one yourself that night.
Also the whole other level of things to do is run the MAP yourself. If he’s truly a terribly inconsiderate lover, that’s really no different for a woman than for a man to have to deal with. If you decide you truly want to have a sex life and no longer want to simply (1) Tolerate it, then the options that remain are (2) Cheating, (3) Divorce and finding a new partner, or ideally (4) He changes for the better.
So bust out the exercise, dress a little better, pull a little extra male attention, display that you have a libido and do all the basic stuff I tell the guys. As an aside though, if he’s bossing you about with impunity, you’re in Phase One of the MAP. Give yourself a little time to get things done. Once you increase your Sex Rank, he will become more interested in pleasing you in bed.

Sexploration: When The Guy Is Hesitant

Reader:  Hi Athol! I’ve been lurking on your site for several months now and have really enjoyed it. Some of the principles you write about have really helped me through a rough patch in my own relationship, in which my boyfriend was basically being a beta doormat with his mother, who was trying to interfere in our relationship. Changing my behavior towards him (i.e. not nagging/demanding and being more supportive) has actually caused him to change his behavior towards his mom, I think, which I find fascinating (and am obviously really happy about).
Anyway, my question is on an entirely different topic. Around the same time that we were having issues with his mom, my boyfriend constantly denied my sexual advances, and when he didn’t he always wanted me to take charge, which felt very unnatural to me. At one point I asked him to take charge more, and he said he didn’t want to “dominate” me, that it would be “emotionally draining” for him, so I stopped being vocal about it. I actually considered ending our relationship because I thought maybe we weren’t sexually compatible, and I had started dreaming/fantasizing about other people, which is bad news (for the record, this relationship is going on 3 years, we’re both in our early twenties, and we were both virgins when we met). Here’s where it gets interesting, though: once I stopped being vocal, I just started being physical in a way that put me in the “submissive” role, and he started taking on the dominant role without even thinking about it. Turns out it’s quite natural for him, the sex is much better for both of us, he’s stopped turning down my advances, and the dreams/fantasies about other guys went away.
Here’s what I don’t understand: I do this thing where I put my arms over my head when we’re in the missionary position, and he’s actually started grabbing my arms and holding them there. To me, it seems like the next most logical step is to tie me up and really go at it. But when I proposed that to him the other day (I was rather embarrassed about it and almost didn’t want to ask), he said it wasn’t appealing to him because he didn’t want to feel like he was raping me. So I have two questions. First, do you think his resistance to experimentation is more of a mental block than anything? And second, if it is a mental block, how can I break through that block without feeling like I’m nagging? Ultimately I do not want to make my boyfriend do things he is uncomfortable doing, but it seems like he doesn’t know what turns him on until we just try it out. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Athol:  It sounds like he’ll like it in time, but it’s a little further than he feels comfortable with for now. I think you just have to continue doing what you’re doing in terms of putting yourself in a submissive position and he’ll warm to it more.

Some suggestions…

The next time he says “That would make me feel like a rapist” tell him you understand, but that “You can’t rape the willing… and I am very very willing.” Then smoosh yourself into him and purr like a kitten.

Show some obvious interest in bondage “stuff”.

Text him that you’re masturbating thinking about being tied up and him just taking you. Actually masturbate several times before he’s home / you get together and when he’s finally with you, just say, “I have to be fucked and fucked now.”

The whole thing with bondage is that you’re actually 99% in control when you’re tied up anyway. So all those restraints are 99% simply a metaphor for being overwhelmed and out of control, You’re not doing anything you don’t want to happen. As such, you can simply thread a scarf or something through the headboard (or where ever) and just hold onto the ends and not let go as your “bondage”. He may find it less intense that way and be more comfortable with it.
Jennifer:  Hey! The scarf trick was my idea! No really it was!

Rough Sex Accidentally Training Her To Be A Brat

First Reader: Thanks for taking your time to reply, I appreciate that you may be a bit busy, things are definitely on the up for us, we seem to be communicating much better especially about matters sexual, and there has been a slight up shift (3 times in the last week)

All I can say about your book, is that on most things you are absolutely spot on!  We had some pretty rough sex last night, and guess what she was all cuddly after, I could hardly believe it. 

She actually told me she was bored doing the same things, and wanted more kissing etc, prior to this it was something she had shied away from, I am taking one day at a time but a big thank you for your book, I can honestly say I have not read anything like it, it is so counter intuitive to the main stream advice, that on first glance I thought this is so crazy it would never work.

Athol:  One of the things that surprises a long time Nice Guy is that most women do enjoy having rough sex.  Maybe not every night, but certainly some of the time. It’s usually a pretty easy experiment to run to see if she likes you pounding her in the sack. Her being unusually cuddly afterward is the sign that she liked it.
If you’re not particularly excited by rough sex yourself, you can end up doing it less than she wants. So once she gets a taste of it from you, it’s possible to have it backfire in an unexpected way…
Second Reader:  My lady upsets me through unjustified bitching around. I tell her my clearly point of view, that I am convinced she is wrong and to leave me alone. Basically, I put her into place, which is hard for her to accept, but she does in the end. Often, she is passive-aggressive but can be calmed down through sexual intercourse – basically by telling her to shut up, throw her on the bed and “half-rape” her. It’s always fine afterwards and she comes back to normal after sex, often she apologizes then…
So far, so good.
But sometimes, she upsets me so much through her behaviour, that I don’t even want to fuck her, I just want to put her in place and then ignore her until she apologizes. I don’t want to fuck her, although I know it would calm down the situation. I don’t want to fuck her because my lust for her is temporarily gone and I don’t feel like doing her a favor.
So, the bitching goes on, sometimes until I hate-fuck her, which can take hours or even days and distracts me from my duties. What would you advice to do in such a situation?
Athol:  My hunch is that you only give her this sort of sex when you’re pissed off at her. You need to be driven into becoming rough with her because you’d rather not have to do it.
So what’s happening is that she subconsciously seeks to piss you off to get the rough sex she wants from you. Which means you’d be essentially training her to be a total brat, because when she’s bad you give her what she wants.

If so, the solution would be to promise and deliver on rough sex for her good behavior rather than her bad behavior. Or put another way, the agreement would be…  “If you can behave today I’ll fuck the shit out of you tonight.”
She may also quite like to be spanked. Whether that’s a light to hard spank on the ass in passing, or something more planned out would be something to explore. Potentially all she wants is stimulation from you. Basically the solution is to pay her a “firmer” level of attention before she starts seeking it out.

Jennifer: I respond to the enthusiasm of sex that way.

Reader Story: Let’s Get Physical

Hi Athol,
I wanted to share 2 small,but significant, things that happened over the past couple of weeks.  I send this to you because I you seem to be interested in real-world “field notes” and experiences of those of us who are trying to utilize the MAP.
Episode 1:  As I’m changing after a shower following a hard-core workout…
Her out of the blue:  “So how does it feel to be sexier than me?”
Me: A bit stunned.  “What does that mean?”
Her: “Well now that you’re ripped you are sexier than me.  You used to be so skinny and I was pretty hot.  Now you’ve got these muscles and I have some pounds to lose…you just look better and have become sexier than me…”
This blew me away because I never knew she actually perceived us in that way.  Both in the past and now as well.   And clearly she is feeling a sex rank shift…at least in a physical sense.
I can’t agree more with what you have said many times before: if you do nothing else,  start eating better and get into shape.  That alone will give you so much confidence and make you “sexier”.
Episode 2:
Me:  Teasing my teenage daughter…..
Teenage daughter joking/teasing back: “Dad, I feel like I don’t even know you anymore”
Me replying Game-ly: “Ha, I don’t know who I am anymore either!”
Wife overhearing this conversation adding a bit cautiously:  “I don’t know who you are these days either!”
She said it jokingly but we both knew she meant it somewhat as well.
The first thing that struck me here was your post about destabilizing a relationship just a bit.  Apparently, the changes I have been making really are getting through to her and she is just not sure what to make of it.  I KNOW its making her a bit nervous.  Its a bit scary to me also as the older (more beta) way was much more predictable – but full of all the usual negative consequences.
I will add that while the sex is getting better (not where I want it yet but improving), its actually our overall relationship that is getting much better and stronger.  She’s always been a very strong, almost dominant personality and my changes over the past few years (but especially over the last half a year or so) have SLOWLY been whittling that away.  She is now deferring to me more, cozying into me (almost melting into me) as close as she can get at night, coming to me for virtually all decisions, etc…  It has been a slow but tangible change.  Often I’m scared shitless myself as we assume these new, different roles.  But I’m also extremely excited about the future.  They key so far has been slow steady change, patience, persistence and growing some balls.
Athol:  Giggty giggty giggty, allllllright.