10 Things To Do When Shes Pregnant

So she’s pregnant. Welcome to hardcore.
The basic advice for dealing with a pregnant woman, is the same as dealing with a non-pregnant woman. Which is I guess  kinda like saying driving an IndyCar is basically the same as driving a Ford Focus. You’re doing the same thing you’ve always done, just with increased attention and respect for the situation.
The essential change with pregnancy is suddenly her interest in responding to Alpha Traits drops markedly, and her interest in your Beta Traits increases. The reason for this is that mostly the Alpha stuff is about demonstrating things that are advertising your good genetics, but once she’s pregnant she’s already got all the the genetic material she needs from you. Once baby is on the way, baby will need a crap-ton of resources to get to reach adulthood. Supplying all those resources is far more the Beta Trait arena than the Alpha. Plus it helps to have a domestically supportive mate helping with baby so she doesn’t have to do it all herself.
So if you were a PUA champ focusing on Alpha and make a whoopise-doodle and get someone pregnant, when things get difficult afterwards, doing nothing but “bumping back on her Fitness Tests” and maintaining your Alpha is the exact wrong thing to do. It’s going to make her even less comfortable in the relationship and make her freak out even more.
If you’re a Nice Guy or recovering Nice Guy, the Betaization Trap is that you completely stop the Alpha stuff during the pregnancy, and don’t ever pick it up again after the baby is born. At some point in the future her Body Agenda is very likely going to want another kid, and she’s going to want to look for genetic material from someone with Alpha Traits in place.
Balance. The answer is always to balance the Alpha and Beta stuff, just that while she’s pregnant the balance point is moved toward the Beta Traits.
There’s also a big dose of random with every pregnancy. Some pregnancies are easy and joyful with her craving sex. Some pregnancies are long, hard and unpleasant. Most women swing back and forth between the two extremes a couple times. That randomness is what gets a lot of men suckered into allowing her to take control of the relationship.
The Nice Guy thought process defaults to the idea that pregnancy is a special time, so simply catering to her every whim and mood while she’s pregnant is a good thing. Not putting her way up high on the Pregnancy Pedestal is unthinkable to a Nice Guy, which does make sense in that a Nice Guy can hardly believe he actually got someone pregnant in the first place, so the golden womb must be protected at all costs.
Of course it is pretty easy to roll the Pregnancy Pedestal into the Won’t You Think Of The Children tactic, which then rolls seamlessly into the I’m So Exhausted From The Children I Can’t Hold A Job Or Have Sex With You strategy. After that it’s the fast track to I’m So Sick Of You Taking Me For Granted I Need To Have Time For Myself…
So how you handle pregnancy is quite critical. Some basic rules…
(1)  Take the approach that bad behavior is in fact bad behavior. There is no Testosterone Defense allowable for bad behavior, so neither should there be an Estrogen Defense for bad behavior. Hormones may very well explain bad behavior, but they do not excuse it. If she’s acting badly, call her on it.
(2)  Don’t fail her Fitness Testing when she’s pregnant. “I’m pregnant” is not an all purpose get out of unpleasant tasks card to be played for nine months. Asking you to do things she is perfectly capable of doing herself is a test. Telling you to take over all the household chores when she is three months pregnant is a test.
(3)  Do respond positively to her reasonable requests made in a reasonable tone of voice. If something is honestly easier for you to do than for her to do, why not just go ahead and do it?
(4)  Understand and appreciate that the further into the pregnancy she gets, the number of things that make up a reasonable request gets larger and larger. Seriously helping out around the home, taking over some tasks she would usually be doing and getting up to the level of “catering to her” in the final month of the pregnancy is fine. If you’ve been doing (1) (2) and (3) all along, by the time you’re in nearly in butler mode in the final few weeks, she should be voicing appreciation for what you’re doing. 
(5)  If she’s screaming at you like you’re her rented bitch, don’t comply with her request.
(6)  Be actively interested in her medical care and progress toward delivery. You may not be able to make it to all the medical appointments depending on your work schedule, but do try and get to a couple. If nothing else text her about them… “How did it go?”
(7)  Continue to seek sexual contact with her. Unless you hear from the doctor that sex shouldn’t be happening, sex during pregnancy is safe and quite normal. Sex may need to become somewhat more opportunistic as the pregnancy progresses and you won’t be able to do a fair number of positions as she progresses further either. The frame is that your need for sex didn’t go away just because she’s pregnant, and as limited as some things are, it’s important to keep the sexual contact together as much as you can.
(8)  If you do happen to get the “No sex” ruling from the doctors, don’t complain about it. It is what it is. Her completely refusing sex in the final month isn’t unexpected either. Even easy stuff like going down on her might not be something she can relax enough for. There’s a lot of pressure down there, it’s not easy to come to orgasm if she can’t tell if she’s going to orgasm or accidentally shit in your face.
(9)  Remain calm. That’s a big one. Having a baby is of course a big change in your life, but if you’re running around like you’re freaking out about it, that means she’s fearing that you’re going to turn into a second person she has to take care of in addition to the baby. You simply being attentive, present and unflappable makes her free safe and protected. Also you don’t need to be a nurse or a doctor to get a feeling in the pit of your stomach that she suddenly doesn’t look right… if you do, just dial 911 and be attentive, present and unflappable.
(10)  Accept that you a passenger on her ride. What you want to happen, or how you feel about her being pregnant, is largely irrelevant to the situation. She is pregnant, so deal with it. You saying anything negative about her being pregnant, not wanting the baby or so on, should be regarded as planting a hypnotic suggestion in her to start hating you. It really is possible to effectively end your marriage with a single sentence spoken particularly poorly. 
Jennifer:  That is fabulous advice all around. The entire way she views life and goes about her daily activities has changed, so be patient and be openminded, but don’t be a doormat.

Comments

  1. Good advice.

    (I'm past all that now, thank goodness)

  2. Note: If you get the big "No Sex" from the doc (I got it twice, effectively it meant 5 months of my second pregnancy was no sex) that doesn't mean YOU can't have fun… it does mean that she can't have fun. Complete pelvic rest is COMPLETE. It sucks for her too. (I found it pretty disappointing/frustrating – and embarrassing to have to ask my doc that question).

    Please put your socks in the hamper in the third trimester, it's really really hard to bend over.

    And last – pregnancies and women vary so much that it's not even funny. Athol has great advice. My mom went backpacking 8mo pregnant. I was on semi-bedrest through both of mine. Would you have the same expectations for us? No, of course not. Use common sense and observe (and call the doc if you need to!)

  3. I don't know how you do it Athol… I was going to email you and ask you to comment on this subject… I thank you for all of your advice and books… Thanks to me getting laid like tile my wife had become preggo and on comes the shit tests. Thank you for addressing this! And the advice on the biotone is spot on! Preggo masages and hand jobs are a perfect pair!

  4. I am 7 months into our first pregnancy and the best advice I have received is to be the advocate for your wife. When the doctors don't listen to her reasonable requests you have to be the alpha voice. While beta traits become valued there is still much room for alpha. By making important decisions and having some balls you will see much respect from your wife.

  5. My words of wisdom: Don't get a woman pregnant if things are not going 100% smoothly in the relationship. Kids do not make marriages happier in the short term.

  6. What would you recommend for a wife whose husband loses attraction for her pregnant body? This is our third child and it stinks to get little sex while pregnant.

  7. "What would you recommend for a wife whose husband loses attraction for her pregnant body?"

    That's a tough one and it is something that my wife and I struggled with. The truth is, more than just losing attraction, I was actually somehwat repulsed by what her body was doing. It wasnt just that she looked differnt. She smelled different. She tasted different. And none of it was in a way that I found pleasing or exciting. Of course I was amazed by the physiological aspect of what was going on inside her with our child, but there is absolutely nothing erotically stimulating about that, and the thought of my penis being close our growing baby didn't help things (I wasn't worried about hurting the baby or anything silly like that, just the thought of a baby in there was a boner-killer).

    I was keenly aware of how these things would hurt my wife's feelings if I ever voiced them, and I felt horribly guilty about it myself. So I tried to hide it. We still had sex, but not as much, and my mind had to go to different places during intercourse to make the sex work. I often offered to get her off witout expecting her to return the favor. During her pregnancy was the only time in my life where I tried to fake an orgasm, because it was either that or have a conversation about why I couldn't keep it up. She could tell, and I think there is a part of her that never forgave me and never will. To this day, whenever she hears another man talking about how pregnant sex is the best thing since sliced bread, she gets a little cold towards me. When we started trying to have more kids, she was a bit reluctant and I always figured that was probably part of it. (two eptopic pregnancies and two exploded fallopian tubes later, we quit trying for more kids…)

    I've never known how to deal with this, and while it isn't a huge everpresent thing, it is one of the few sore spots in our 12-year marriage that just never seems to heal. I wish I would have found myself more attracted to my pregnant wife, or that I'd been a better liar about it. She wasn't the only one who wished we were having more and better sex during that time.

  8. Ian Ironwood says:

    After 3 kids, Mrs. Ironwood and I have this down. Now that we're done, we can laugh about it, but the fact is that the sexual changes due to her pregnancies were major challenges to our marriage at one time. And the best advice is the stuff that Athol gave you:

    Suck it up.

    There is a special place in hell for men who leave their pregnant wives. It is the worst sort of Omega behavior. I don't care if she's a raging pregnant bitchzilla, you stick around until that kid can walk, no matter how bad things are. Leaving your pregnant wife is grounds for a good ol' fashioned ass kicking. Just sayin'.

    After the first kid, I basically treated Mrs. Ironwood as a clinically insane person when she got pregnant — I didn't discount everything she had to say, but I didn't take it personally, either. She was aware enough to recognize the stress on our relationship, and she took steps to handle it. It helped mightily that we were on the same page most of the time, and I was still technically sane enough to keep her from doing the really crazy pregnant things.

    Every pregnancy is different — and note I didn't say "every pregnant woman" is different, every pregnancy is different. Stuff that might have worked with the first one won't with the second one. No matter how strong or weak your relationship was before you knocked her up, it's going to change after you knocked her up, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Just the Goddess' way of tormenting you.

    But if you find trying to make love to your pregnant wife a challenge, that first memorable pregnancy, you'll find that it's a definite pleasure compared to trying to deal with post-partum depression, leaky boobs, the vague smell of spoiled milk that gets into everything, spit-up, diapers, sleep deprivation and exhaustion, disposable bottles, know-it-all in-laws, severe financial strain and a body trying to change from gestation mode to food production mode (and let's not even discuss the episiotomy. Really). No lie, you will someday look back on that first pregnancy with a sense of calm and pleasant nostalgia, compared to trying to have sex as new parents.

    But it is what you signed on for. And things do get better. I mean, my kids will all be gone to college in just one more short decade . . .

  9. "…and let's not even discuss the episiotomy."

    Well, once things were back to normal, I have to say I appreciated the doctor's joke about "putting in an extra stitch for daddy".

  10. This is all fairly fresh for me since our kids are pretty young.

    I have to agree that each pregnancy is different, the first one for us the Mrs was an unsatiable sex maniac – big plus for me.

    Pregnancy number two it was the opposite, she was uncomfortable all the time, didn't want to be touched etc… My wife was pretty good at "taking care of me" but it's just not the same, guys have to learn to suck it up – it was a tough lesson for me.

    The only thing I would add:

    -Your alpha-beta balance with her may be different after the pregnancy is over from where it was before.

    -She may be physically "damaged" after birthing a child so she may not be ready for the agressive pounding she used to like for a long while after – again more patience and more adjusting to the new way of life.

  11. Whoever said, "Be her advocate" is on target. The medical establishment is absolutely terrifying for a pregnant woman and standing up for her (or talking sense into her, as needed) is something she will remember for LIFE. You want to inject alpha? Protect her and make her feel protected. Understand her need to nest, to protect the baby, and show your own masculine version of that urge. This doesn't mean pickles & ice cream runs at 3am – it might be bringing home those little sticks to test for lead in your paint.

  12. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I suspect it is the same for my husband… Wish there was something I could do to change it.

  13. "The basic advice for dealing with a pregnant woman, is the same as dealing with a non-pregnant woman. Which is I guess kinda like saying driving an IndyCar is basically the same as driving a Ford Focus. You're doing the same thing you've always done, just with increased attention and respect for the situation. "

    THIS, my friend, is SPOT ON.
    it is BY FAR the best 'male-language' explanation that I've ever seen on how to handle a pregnant woman!

    kudos

  14. I've gotta tell you… This section is pure gold:

    ——-
    Not putting her way up high on the Pregnancy Pedestal is unthinkable to a Nice Guy, which does make sense in that a Nice Guy can hardly believe he actually got someone pregnant in the first place, so the golden womb must be protected at all costs.
    ——-

    This had me laughing… it is so me, it is ridiculous… I'm a nice-guy through and through, and need to continue to de-betaize.

    Thanks for the article!

  15. This is the worst advice I’ve ever read on how to treat your pregnant wife. She deserves much better treatment. Come on guys, don’t be such jerks.

    You haven’t said what the bad advice is, simply stamped your foot and pouted.

Speak Your Mind

*