So she’s pregnant. Welcome to hardcore.
The basic advice for dealing with a pregnant woman, is the same as dealing with a non-pregnant woman. Which is I guess kinda like saying driving an IndyCar is basically the same as driving a Ford Focus. You’re doing the same thing you’ve always done, just with increased attention and respect for the situation.
The essential change with pregnancy is suddenly her interest in responding to Alpha Traits drops markedly, and her interest in your Beta Traits increases. The reason for this is that mostly the Alpha stuff is about demonstrating things that are advertising your good genetics, but once she’s pregnant she’s already got all the the genetic material she needs from you. Once baby is on the way, baby will need a crap-ton of resources to get to reach adulthood. Supplying all those resources is far more the Beta Trait arena than the Alpha. Plus it helps to have a domestically supportive mate helping with baby so she doesn’t have to do it all herself.
So if you were a PUA champ focusing on Alpha and make a whoopise-doodle and get someone pregnant, when things get difficult afterwards, doing nothing but “bumping back on her Fitness Tests” and maintaining your Alpha is the exact wrong thing to do. It’s going to make her even less comfortable in the relationship and make her freak out even more.
If you’re a Nice Guy or recovering Nice Guy, the Betaization Trap is that you completely stop the Alpha stuff during the pregnancy, and don’t ever pick it up again after the baby is born. At some point in the future her Body Agenda is very likely going to want another kid, and she’s going to want to look for genetic material from someone with Alpha Traits in place.
Balance. The answer is always to balance the Alpha and Beta stuff, just that while she’s pregnant the balance point is moved toward the Beta Traits.
There’s also a big dose of random with every pregnancy. Some pregnancies are easy and joyful with her craving sex. Some pregnancies are long, hard and unpleasant. Most women swing back and forth between the two extremes a couple times. That randomness is what gets a lot of men suckered into allowing her to take control of the relationship.
The Nice Guy thought process defaults to the idea that pregnancy is a special time, so simply catering to her every whim and mood while she’s pregnant is a good thing. Not putting her way up high on the Pregnancy Pedestal is unthinkable to a Nice Guy, which does make sense in that a Nice Guy can hardly believe he actually got someone pregnant in the first place, so the golden womb must be protected at all costs.
Of course it is pretty easy to roll the Pregnancy Pedestal into the Won’t You Think Of The Children tactic, which then rolls seamlessly into the I’m So Exhausted From The Children I Can’t Hold A Job Or Have Sex With You strategy. After that it’s the fast track to I’m So Sick Of You Taking Me For Granted I Need To Have Time For Myself…
So how you handle pregnancy is quite critical. Some basic rules…
(1) Take the approach that bad behavior is in fact bad behavior. There is no Testosterone Defense allowable for bad behavior, so neither should there be an Estrogen Defense for bad behavior. Hormones may very well explain bad behavior, but they do not excuse it. If she’s acting badly, call her on it.
(2) Don’t fail her Fitness Testing when she’s pregnant. “I’m pregnant” is not an all purpose get out of unpleasant tasks card to be played for nine months. Asking you to do things she is perfectly capable of doing herself is a test. Telling you to take over all the household chores when she is three months pregnant is a test.
(3) Do respond positively to her reasonable requests made in a reasonable tone of voice. If something is honestly easier for you to do than for her to do, why not just go ahead and do it?
(4) Understand and appreciate that the further into the pregnancy she gets, the number of things that make up a reasonable request gets larger and larger. Seriously helping out around the home, taking over some tasks she would usually be doing and getting up to the level of “catering to her” in the final month of the pregnancy is fine. If you’ve been doing (1) (2) and (3) all along, by the time you’re in nearly in butler mode in the final few weeks, she should be voicing appreciation for what you’re doing.
(5) If she’s screaming at you like you’re her rented bitch, don’t comply with her request.
(6) Be actively interested in her medical care and progress toward delivery. You may not be able to make it to all the medical appointments depending on your work schedule, but do try and get to a couple. If nothing else text her about them… “How did it go?”
(7) Continue to seek sexual contact with her. Unless you hear from the doctor that sex shouldn’t be happening, sex during pregnancy is safe and quite normal. Sex may need to become somewhat more opportunistic as the pregnancy progresses and you won’t be able to do a fair number of positions as she progresses further either. The frame is that your need for sex didn’t go away just because she’s pregnant, and as limited as some things are, it’s important to keep the sexual contact together as much as you can.
(8) If you do happen to get the “No sex” ruling from the doctors, don’t complain about it. It is what it is. Her completely refusing sex in the final month isn’t unexpected either. Even easy stuff like going down on her might not be something she can relax enough for. There’s a lot of pressure down there, it’s not easy to come to orgasm if she can’t tell if she’s going to orgasm or accidentally shit in your face.
(9) Remain calm. That’s a big one. Having a baby is of course a big change in your life, but if you’re running around like you’re freaking out about it, that means she’s fearing that you’re going to turn into a second person she has to take care of in addition to the baby. You simply being attentive, present and unflappable makes her free safe and protected. Also you don’t need to be a nurse or a doctor to get a feeling in the pit of your stomach that she suddenly doesn’t look right… if you do, just dial 911 and be attentive, present and unflappable.
(10) Accept that you a passenger on her ride. What you want to happen, or how you feel about her being pregnant, is largely irrelevant to the situation. She is pregnant, so deal with it. You saying anything negative about her being pregnant, not wanting the baby or so on, should be regarded as planting a hypnotic suggestion in her to start hating you. It really is possible to effectively end your marriage with a single sentence spoken particularly poorly.
Jennifer: That is fabulous advice all around. The entire way she views life and goes about her daily activities has changed, so be patient and be openminded, but don’t be a doormat.