Athol: Note the lack of a need for an ultimatum in this story. He just ran the MAP for several months and she brought it all to a head. Him simply becoming more attractive and starting to slowly withdraw from pursuing her was all it took.
Also as “non-Alpha” as actually apologizing and owning up to a mistake is, it’s absolutely key sometimes to breaking an emotional deadlock. And yes I agree, she shouldn’t have had an emotional affair and should have come to him with a fair warning of how things were slipping away. But that doesn’t excuse his wrongdoing of ignoring her for several years. Apologizing for your errors is fine. Just do it once and don’t repeat the behavior you needed to apologize for. Do not repeat the apology over and over, if they can’t accept it, that’s now on their end of the problem not yours.
Once you break the barrier on your side of the cold war, it’s far easier for her to break it down on her side. If she doesn’t of course, then there’s not much you can do about it apart from sadly wishing her the best of luck as you really do head for the exit. If she wants to hate you, she wants to hate you. It’s pretty hard living with endless hate when you want to love.
Also during the five year cold war, sex did resume and happen with some frequency, but she wasn’t orgasming. This in fact was the issue that drove him to seek me out. So… how is she on the orgasm front now?
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I think apologizing whne you have done something wrong is very alpha and I think people commonly refer to it as "maning up".
Someone who screws up and then makes excuses for it or denies they were in the wrong are not easy people to respect.
It requires some personal reflection and some objectivity to realize you have made a mistake or how you have contributed to a problem. Again both very alpha traits to me.
Glad this worked out well for him and for her.
In Athol's usage, where alpha creates attraction and beta creates comfort, apologizing is beta. I agree that it takes some stones to do it correctly. But it's about creating comfort with your spouse.
Just about anything is alpha when you're in confident control of the situation.
Agree with the apologize once and you're done. If she can't accept, it's her problem, do not make it yours. Wish I had learned that before I married. I went down the apologize-multiple-times rathole, believe me the picture was not pretty. She is long gone, but at least I have this particular lesson down pat.
Also should not apologize for something not your fault even if she blames you. If she's blaming you and it is really not your fault, not just you pretending that, then need to bump back.
Yes agreed. In Athol's usage you are correct, because apologizing creates comfort therefore, it is beta.
My usage is, being sure of yourself, self-aware etc… and being able to admit when you are wrong is alpha.
Maybe it's just me.
It's both Alpha and Beta. Alpha due to the strength displayed by leading and willingness to be unaffected by the outcome. Beta due to the comfort offered.
Alpha anf Beta aren't opposite things.
Good point.
Just like dealing with two kids, "you're both right".
LOL no not really like dealing with kids.
I think people get caught up in the "Must be Alpha" zone a bit much. Beta is vital too.
The OP's wife is nuts. She bitches about him not making enuf money to suit her tastes. So he changes careers, changes careers for goodness sakes, starts making more money just like she wanted. Now she's not happy about that either. How long before she starts bitching about not having enuf money again?
I'm the one who sent Athol the emails. Yes I did change careers for her and yes I did give up the new career for her as well. All that was when I was biting the beta bullet. For 5 years she was emotionally distant from me and kept saying to give her time. Like a good beta boy I did exactly as she asked. We still had sex but I would have found a blow up doll more energetic and engaged. Finally I had enough and went looking for answers. I found Athol's blog and it was like someone hit me over the head with an anvil. I started running the MAP and at least I started feeling better about myself. But she never seemed to budge. I thought I was ready for stage 4 and confronted her but I wasn't really ready to issue an ultimatum. So I went back to stage 3 in earnest and decided to let nature take its course. You read the results.
I contacted Athol several times during the whole process and he responded each and every time. Without his encouragement and insight I know we would be headed for divorce. Instead I have my sexy loving wife back. Thank you again Athol for everything.
P.S. I bought your second book and it is awesome.
Apologizing ONCE is.
Her trying to rag you repeatedly for something in the past should be met with: "I've already apologized for that. Give it a rest."