Reader: My wife works 3pm-11pm. I work 8am-5pm. She’s been on this schedule for several years now, and it’s unlikely to change anytime soon.
Her days off are “rotating”. In other words she’s off say Saturday and Sunday. Then she works Mon-Thurs and she’s off Friday. Then she works Sat-Mon, then she’s off Tues-Wed and works daylight hours on Thursday. Then she works Fri-Sun and she’s off Monday. Works Tuesday-Friday then she’s off that Sat and Sun, and then it all repeats again.
I know the biggest part of this is me, but I can’t remember the last time we had sex on a night she worked. She doesn’t get home and go right to sleep. She actually stays up awhile, she talks about she can’t just “go to sleep” as soon as she gets home because she’s wound up from work.
I’m going to approach her about sex tonight (she’s working). But what’s your take on this?
Focus on the days off mainly? I guess this is a rather stupid question…but after dealing with on average once a month sex (yeah, I know. But trust me it was WORSE than that years ago when she went through a bout of depression after the birth of our son) I’d be thrilled with sex on most of her days off…but other things can get in the way of course. (Not all her either).
So what’s your take? How should I approach her? Nonchalant, gaming it up, or straight forward…mentioning how our sex revolves around her days off? Thanks.
Athol: Well the easy answer is to agree to make time to have sex with each other on a bit of a schedule. One late night a week, one early morning a week, and on the days she’s off. But obviously sitting down and talking about it isn’t going to actually work because she just isn’t into you all that much, which you’ve already figured out. Doing “The Talk” now will get you one or two extra sessions, and then everything will revert to baseline again.
So… I have several thoughts here.
(1) The once a month sex is probably around the time she’s ovulating. Basically 14-15 days after the start of her period.
(2) I get the feeling that the entire point of her working these shift patterns is to be sexually avoidant of you. Sexually motivated people do all kinds of crazy things to get to their person of interest and get it on. On days she works she’s, “too wound up from work” and on days she isn’t working she still does nothing. (Apart from once a month.) She could no doubt find a new job / shift pattern if she really wanted to be home with you every evening having sex.
(3) I would approach / game her more on the days she is off work, and not worry about it on days she does work. Don’t try too hard to make it happen. Make random passes at her and don’t apologize if they fail, just smile and keep going on with your day.
(4) On nights she is working, be in bed and heading off to sleep by the time she is home. Don’t wait up for her like a puppy. If you have an exercise routine, it may work best to do it in the early morning before you go to work. The purpose being that you are starting to be unaffected by her avoidance of you. Work on the whole self-improvement / MAP process. The pattern of interaction is that she avoids you, and you chase her. If you stop chasing her, her avoidance routines become pointless, so she is likely to reduce doing them.
(5) On the Saturdays and Sundays you both have off together, plan something fun to do together. Ask her to come, if she does great, if she doesn’t… then go anyway. Just go have fun. Come back a little later than you say you would be back. Come home in a good mood.
(6) Keep up the Beta stuff related to housework, cooking, child care. Be polite, sociable and fun with when she is with you and paying attention to you. Just start marching to the beat of your own drum more. This isn’t giving her “The Silent Treatment.” It’s “I’m going to entertain myself and be in motion, wanna come?”
(7) Get in the habit of having playful flirting interactions with women in a general sense. Just play, you aren’t looking for a sexual close here. You just want to have the general buzz of having fun with other women in your vibe. Your wife will pick up on it eventually.
(8) Anything else that is going to make you feel stronger, happier and more attractive to women in general.
(9) As you progress further down this route, as she starts sensing you are making changes that are sticking, you can try some direct approaches. For nights she’s working, a very simple and direct request of, “I need you for five minutes.” and essentially pumping and dumping her… if only dumping her back in the living room, may start working. Also making direct requests for specific sex acts on her days off could start getting better results. Don’t just ask for “Sex?”, tell her you want to “Doggystyle”, “69 for a bit and then missionary”, “Cum on your tits”, “Tie you up and lick whipped cream off your nipples”, or for the brave, “Let’s do the thing with the jumper cables and the butter.” (If you do the last one, make sure you have an ice pack handy and several towels)
I wouldn’t bother talking with her about all this for the moment. Speak with your actions.
Also as an aside, you mentioned postpartum depression. Is she still on anti-depressants? That may be a factor in killing her libido as well.
Jennifer: Athol and I work opposite shifts several times in the first half of our marriage. We did lots of quickies and pretty much always found a way to stay connected. It doesn’t have to be the traditional make love at bedtime thing…maybe she needs to be reminded of that. Does she shower when she gets home? Could that be an opportunity?