Sexploration: When The Guy Is Hesitant

Reader:  Hi Athol! I’ve been lurking on your site for several months now and have really enjoyed it. Some of the principles you write about have really helped me through a rough patch in my own relationship, in which my boyfriend was basically being a beta doormat with his mother, who was trying to interfere in our relationship. Changing my behavior towards him (i.e. not nagging/demanding and being more supportive) has actually caused him to change his behavior towards his mom, I think, which I find fascinating (and am obviously really happy about).
Anyway, my question is on an entirely different topic. Around the same time that we were having issues with his mom, my boyfriend constantly denied my sexual advances, and when he didn’t he always wanted me to take charge, which felt very unnatural to me. At one point I asked him to take charge more, and he said he didn’t want to “dominate” me, that it would be “emotionally draining” for him, so I stopped being vocal about it. I actually considered ending our relationship because I thought maybe we weren’t sexually compatible, and I had started dreaming/fantasizing about other people, which is bad news (for the record, this relationship is going on 3 years, we’re both in our early twenties, and we were both virgins when we met). Here’s where it gets interesting, though: once I stopped being vocal, I just started being physical in a way that put me in the “submissive” role, and he started taking on the dominant role without even thinking about it. Turns out it’s quite natural for him, the sex is much better for both of us, he’s stopped turning down my advances, and the dreams/fantasies about other guys went away.
Here’s what I don’t understand: I do this thing where I put my arms over my head when we’re in the missionary position, and he’s actually started grabbing my arms and holding them there. To me, it seems like the next most logical step is to tie me up and really go at it. But when I proposed that to him the other day (I was rather embarrassed about it and almost didn’t want to ask), he said it wasn’t appealing to him because he didn’t want to feel like he was raping me. So I have two questions. First, do you think his resistance to experimentation is more of a mental block than anything? And second, if it is a mental block, how can I break through that block without feeling like I’m nagging? Ultimately I do not want to make my boyfriend do things he is uncomfortable doing, but it seems like he doesn’t know what turns him on until we just try it out. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Athol:  It sounds like he’ll like it in time, but it’s a little further than he feels comfortable with for now. I think you just have to continue doing what you’re doing in terms of putting yourself in a submissive position and he’ll warm to it more.

Some suggestions…

The next time he says “That would make me feel like a rapist” tell him you understand, but that “You can’t rape the willing… and I am very very willing.” Then smoosh yourself into him and purr like a kitten.

Show some obvious interest in bondage “stuff”.

Text him that you’re masturbating thinking about being tied up and him just taking you. Actually masturbate several times before he’s home / you get together and when he’s finally with you, just say, “I have to be fucked and fucked now.”

The whole thing with bondage is that you’re actually 99% in control when you’re tied up anyway. So all those restraints are 99% simply a metaphor for being overwhelmed and out of control, You’re not doing anything you don’t want to happen. As such, you can simply thread a scarf or something through the headboard (or where ever) and just hold onto the ends and not let go as your “bondage”. He may find it less intense that way and be more comfortable with it.
Jennifer:  Hey! The scarf trick was my idea! No really it was!

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Comments

  1. Stargate Girl says:

    Dam it man! You stole my line. Been saying you can't rape the willing for years!

  2. Ghost says:

    What my wife did to get me passed the whole, "I'm not comfortable raping you," thing was to literally play hard to get. We'd be already to go, she'd just gone down on me, and when I got on top, she closed her legs and said, "you want it? (devilish sexy smile) then you're gonna have to take it."

    It worked.

  3. Anonymous says:

    what did you do that put you in a submissive role that made him want you more? I am having the problem of being more sexual than my partner and am tired of being turned down. I thought guys want it all the time? I want him to be more dominant but if i stop trying to get physical it will take 3 or 4 days before he tries anything with me. What can I do to get his attention and attraction? I tried the start and stop then the wait until tonite but he doesnt like that .. he says its not right for me to get him all worked up, blood pumping and then leave him hanging. What else can help to get his interest and help him be more dominant with me? I am in love with this man but he is starting to bore me sexually, make me think he is losing his attraction for me, and it seems the last couple weeks i daydream about hooking up with an aplha when really i just want it to be him. He is alpha in almost every other way in everyday life except sexually with me and when it comes to his kids or his momma. Help me please!

  4. Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous: I'm a guy. I don't speak for all guys. Just me. Don't beat yourself up about it, and don't give up on him. I don't want it all the time. I know for a fact that some of my friends feel the same way, and many old hands who've mentored me through the years have concluded that sometimes pussy just isn't worth the effort. For example, I am young and trying to begin a career as an attorney. I get up, go to court, act all alpha, argue with others acting all alpha, peck away at the computer, hit the books, or otherwise just bust my butt all day trying to make something of myself. When I come home sometimes I just want to rest. My wife and I have struggled with a similar situation to what you're describing. She assumes I'm not into her (or whatever else hare-brained, self-conscious crap her female mind has cooked up), but that isn't so. I love her dearly. She's beautiful, she's smart, she looks great in her little teddy, etc. Thing is …I'm just fucking tired from busting my ass all day trying to kill it and drag it home so we can have something someday. As a man, what I need from her isn't always sex. I need (I dare say most of us need) for our women to not be seriously considering some other dude when everything we do is for you all and for our futures together.

  5. Ponyboy says:

    I love the two Anon comments above, they really show the dichotomy between men and women.

    To the female one, I would suggest being more of the female alpha. Dress and act sexy, get a little more crazy in bed with him, perhaps he will follow your lead. I would also suggest discussing it with him AFTER the sex. i.e., whatever it was that you did differently, and what he thought of it. Then it would be easier to tell him what you like and are looking for that's different.

    To the male Anon, she doesn't care if you're tired (sub consciously speaking). Women have needs like men have needs, you taking care of killing it and dragging it home is just part of those needs. You may want to make time for fucking her in her teddy if that need isn't being met because sex in a marriage is as important if not more important than having something material some day. You could do all that work for nothing if when it's all said and done and you are partner somewhere, if she is no longer into you.

    FYI… For what it's worth I was you about 10 years ago.

    I'm by no means an expert, just my thoughts. Good luck.

  6. Anonymous says:

    We *can* care, if we know what's going on. You gotta keep that spark alive. And, we can also fall back on beta and the comfort level built up over time. We all get sick or atressed. This is where you change the game… Ask for a back rub instead of a blow job. Let her know you're still into her, but need something different from her this time.

  7. Anonymous says:

    The guys probably got some sort of shame hangup with his sexuality. I felt a lot of shame about my sexuality. I was afraid to want things to be dirty, dominant, and impulsive. I'd seen porn, but held a certain amount of shame about sexuality that I associated with acts I'd seen in it. It was a fucked up association.

    My wife grew bored though. And now I'm struggling with the realization that I've been beta in bed. I thought if she was coming & I was coming that was enough. She was already pretty aggressive and seemed to know what she wanted anyway. But I hadn't learned how to take moments to be dominant, to take the lead.

    I've now embraced my sexuality, made it positive, and am aksing for what I want in bed. We're talking opely about the sex we want at neutral times. So when the real moment arises, we can have the trust and freedom to experiement. It feels a bit "fake it till you make it" at the moment. Maybe if I'd had more sexual experience before marriage, this wouldn't have been a problem, but I'm glad that I can attempt it in this marriage. It can only strengthen us and keep things fresh.

  8. Ted D says:

    "I've now embraced my sexuality, made it positive, and am aksing for what I want in bed. "

    Kudos to you! I'm with a woman that has told me in no uncertain terms that she is DTF anytime she isn't sick or dead tired, and yet I find myself on occasion laying in the dark next to her after she falls asleep kicking myself in the ass because I didn't initiate. Its getting better, but I am truly amazed at just how difficult this has been for me, even with a fully supportive mate. I can't imagine what the guys also dealing with real relationship issues are going through.

  9. Eric says:

    I don't think it is necessarily a 'hang up with his sexuality' to not want to tie his wife up and pretend to rape her. Just a matter of preference, like a guy who likes Italian food over Mexican food. The problem could be that they just have different sexual tastes in some areas and need to come to terms over it.

    It's good to experiment in bed, but we should be careful about passing judgments on a person who just doesn't care for certain types of sex. It's sort of unfair to say, "You should be willing to experiment, but if you don't enjoy the experiment it means you are sexually repressed."

    My wife and I talk comfortably and bluntly about sex, have experimented with stuff like bondage and spanking over the years, and found that it simply did not work well for us. My wife actually started avoiding sex because she did not enjoy being dominated to that high a degree (she likes a good hard pounding from time to time, but not the psychological drama that comes with being tied up or 'play raped'), and, far from shame or guilt, I've always had a sense of silliness with staged novelty dimensions in my sex life that makes it less enjoyable for me (which is different than 'not enjoyable')… our flirtations with Role Playing never made it very far because neither of us could keep a straight face.

    I have things I like and she has things she likes, and there are a few things each of us likes that the other one doesn't, and those tend to get dispensed on special occasions. We try something new every once in awhile, and sometimes revisit old things we passed up to see if we like them now. Somewhere in there we manage to have a very satisfying sex life, but based on what I see in a lot of the comments at MMSL, it would be considered pretty vanilla. I see no reason to cast aspersions towards somebody's sexuality just because they may not enjoy the same type of variety as you.

  10. Jacob Ian Stalk says:

    This is bad advice Athol. There may be a whole bunch of reasons why this guy doesn't want to 'rape' his girlfriend that do not point to an unhealthy relationship.

    Here's one: the latest sexual assault laws and rape definitions allow women to claim rape retrospectively, so he may fear going to jail if his girlfriend ever turns on him and claims the sex was non-consensual. There are very serious implications for men in a feminised society who yields to a womans desire to be 'taken' while the laws make it illegal for them to do so.

    Here's another: he may not want to treat sex as an animal act – i.e. one that yields to the raw urgings of a womans hind brain whenever they occur. There are many sexual behaviours that satisfy women but are not necessarily good, right or proper for a higher thinking man to engage in. They may work to keep a woman happy but that doesn't mean they optimise the relationship. In reality many sexual behaviours that work in the relationship are emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and politically insupportable outside of it. In other words, the guy may simply not want sexuality to control his life.

    I'm not saying either example applies in this case but to simply capitulate when a self-centred girl seeks advice about how to get her guy to 'take' her, even if he appears to follow naturally, is to knowingly place her animal desires, and the servicing thereof, ahead of any higher reasons her guy might not wish to do this.

    It is foolish to presume the guys reasons to not do this come from a position of weakness, or that his behaviour needs to be manipulated for the woman's sake, or that encouraging him to express his 'natural' sexual desires is the right thing to do on a broader social scale.

    There are enough Roissyites out there who think they're dispensing advice to save men from relationship duress and beta-dom but are really no more than midwives for the Mother Goddess and her devilish spawn. I hope MMSL isn't helping men parachute into a new fresh hell.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Eh, I don't know. I think there's a danger in assuming that there's some 'issue' to be solved when men don't fit the stereotype. (e.g. Desiring 'rape-like' sex.) Men aren't made from a template.

    My guy put it this way: "I'm most into sex when I can tell you love it. The thought of doing something sexual (even pretending) that you don't want to do is a major turnoff for me. I'm not that kind of guy."

    I think it's worth experimenting, sexually, but I don't think either partner should feel pressured to continue to do things, after trying them, if they're not enjoying them or if they're uncomfortable. If he doesn't want to do something, I think it'd be a measure of respect to listen to him.

  12. Mike-a-velli says:

    Amen, brother!

  13. horseman says:

    Totally off topic here but these topics have been very serious around here lately and everyone needs good laugh. Especially when its how men and women get their perceptions crossed.

    Over at privateman's blog (athol has a link to the left) in the awful profiles by women section are some responses from Ian dated september 2011.

    I laughed so hard I cried. Just found these and had to give credit where credit is due.
    Ian your junior mangod…Athol is senior.

  14. The MacNut says:

    Please try to remember that the main reason this blog exists is because many men lose the knowledge of how to "service" their girlfriend's or wife's "animal desires" and the wife or girlfriend loses sexual desire for them as a result. If left uncorrected, this lack of desire all too often leads to the gf/wife cheating and/or leaving. At the very least the result is a ongoing sexless relationship.

    You can argue about the morality of these animal desires and catering to them all you like, but they exist and the man who won't cater to them at least a little is most likely going to end up a sexless and lonely man.

  15. Athol Kay says:

    This is pretty much a blog aimed at "higher thinking men" that are trying to make sense of their lackluster sex life and why their wives aren't interested in them.

    Your mileage may vary.

  16. IndyGuy77 says:

    Is it wrong that that seems REALLY sexy to me?

    Actually, I don't care if it seems wrong to anyone else. I need a woman like that to do and say EXACTLY that.

  17. KatF says:

    No amount of "higher reasoning" is going to make those "animal desires" disappear. How is this any different from a man seeking advice on how to get his wife to participate in quickies or BJs or any other sexual practice she finds distasteful for higher reasons?

  18. Anonymous says:

    What is a "woman's hind brain?"

  19. Karen says:

    Thanks, I'm going to go read those. I was worried I used to be married to that "hind brain" guy.

    Athol: What you provide here is education and light. And, without education we are in horrible danger of taking educated people seriously (borrowed from G.K. Chesterton)! Keep up the Mother Goddess-devil spawn stuff.

  20. Ghost says:

    If its wrong, I don't wanna be right.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Yep. Retro-active rape claims scare the hell out of me.

  22. Anonymous says:

    The whole rape thing obviously has men skittish. For the record, it is one of the top 3 sexual fantasies of women.

    However, I respect that some guys do not want to risk this. After all, one of their top fantasies is a three-way. I would like it if they would respect that I'm not interested in risking our relationship by trying that one out.

    –Jaz71

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