Training Him To Not Give You The Sex You Want

Reader:  It seems that the last few posts and many of the husband’s comments and replies to comments run along the same theme. The theme is that the sexual relationship has improved if the frequency increases and especially if they are getting more BJs and handjobs (and maybe throw in a different position).
I can see where this might be more pleasurable for the guy but don’t see how this is all that much more pleasurable for the woman. She gives him more orgasms but she gets what?
My husband is all for the BJs and handjobs but he is very particular as to how they are done and he wants them to go on a lot longer than sometimes I have the stamina,jaw and mouth strength for or even interest in. I find myself wishing he would just cum already and sometimes partway through I just feel utterly bored. It doesn’t make me want to do this for him as often as he would like. He also pokes and pulls on my breasts during these times not to get my interest but because he is using that to add to his stimulation.
I have asked for several changes to add to our sex life (sex toys, learn more ideas for sexual together time,play a sexy game,etc.). He will never do any of this and then wonders why he doesn’t get the frequency he’d like from intercourse. He just says he has no interest in those things and we just need to have sex more often (and I_ just need to give him a BJ or handjob more often).
As a shy wife it has taken a lot of effort to even let him know what I would like to do to pique my interest and since he doesn’t seem to want to do any of those things I am now embarrassed I said anything. I also look at some of these “success” stories and wonder why I don’t get all excited at the idea of giving more BJs or handjobs. It seems like these wives are all wildly turned on now but I don’t understand the transition or why the things they weren’t doing before now turn them on!!
He doesn’t like to kiss much or do slow sexy neck kissing or anything like lifting my mouth up for a kiss. I miss that kind of stuff.
He just says we need to have sex more frequently (complains about me) but what he means by sex is more handjobs,more BJs ,no kissing,little foreplay and intercourse in a perfunctory way. I tried to do it his way for three weeks whenever he wanted it and he seemed to like it just fine but I ended up bored and depressed. He probably felt things were going a whole lot better in the sex dept. but they weren’t for me so I just dropped off on most of it again.
I guess I’d like to feel wildly turned on like these improved marriages show but don’t know how to get there.
Athol:  The problem for most of my readers is that the wife has a higher Sex Rank than they do and that causes the lack of attention they get from their wife. So when they increase their Sex Rank, their wife becomes more interested in them.
For you, I suspect you have something similar going on. At the very least he doesn’t seem all that interested in you in the bedroom. So let’s have a look at things you can potentially change.
The first thing to understand is that your orgasm and sexual enjoyment, is your responsiblity. Yes indeed it takes two to tango, but in the end the person that makes your orgasm happen is you. You have to say what works for you, and you have to stand up for yourself and demand it.
Secondly if you don’t like the sex, you don’t have to do it. I know I talk about all kinds of different sex acts on the blog, and I also say that only about 30% of what you try as a couple works. It sounds like you’re living in the 70% of stuff that doesn’t work for you, far more than the 30% that does work.
The third piece of the puzzle is that you keep giving him the sex that he wants, when you aren’t getting the sex that you want. So while your talk is saying you don’t want this to be happening, your actions are saying that you don’t mind doing it. So you’re actually training him to give you awful sex.
As a practical model of having sex….
If Jennifer wants an orgasm or two on any given night, 99.99% of the time she gets her orgasms before I get mine. The reason for this is simply, once I have my orgasm the sex is over. That sounds very self-centered, but the practical reality is that I typical lapse into a 5-10 nap within 1-2 minutes of orgasming, so I can’t really help Jennifer anymore lol. Also the end goal of having sex is squirting a bunch of semen up the vagina, so I think most people get that once the guy shoots his rocket off, that the sex is over. So anyway, if Jennifer wants an orgasm, it’s however she wants it.
If Jennifer doesn’t want an orgasm, I just don’t give a crap about trying to get her one. It’s pretty much the direct road to whatever I want that night to get me off.
Now to be sure, I really really like getting Jennifer off, but it’s very hard work getting her off when she’s not really wanting it, too tired or still too sore from the jumper cables and the butter the night before. Plus it’s not that much fun for her either. I always offer them to her, but in the end her orgasm is her responsiblity not mine.
I know Jennifer gets that lockjaw thing happening with blowjobs and I’m pretty sure her hands get tired with handjobs sometimes too (though she does know me well enough to get it done in under two minutes whether I want to hold back on cumming or not), but she doesn’t mind that nearly as much because she is also getting what she wants sexually. Sometimes I do stuff for her that she likes but I’m ho-hum about, sometimes she does stuff for me that I like but she’s ho-hum about. It’s Tit for Tat, but we’re swapping a good sex Tit for a good sex Tat. Win-Win.
So coming back to you…
Your sex is a Win-Lose at the moment. He’s getting everything he wants and you’re getting nothing you want. So the solution is fairly simple to think about doing. On any night you don’t get what you want, the next night don’t give him what he wants. On any night you get what you want, the next night give him what he wants. Ideally you both get what you want on the same night and repeat it into the future.
Understand that once you’re starting a blowjob or a handjob, you’re pretty much committing to finishing it off. Obviously you can just stop giving one, but it’s going to inflame things if you get him halfway and stop. So if you haven’t gotten what you wanted by the time you started heading him to an orgasm, you aren’t getting one yourself that night.
Also the whole other level of things to do is run the MAP yourself. If he’s truly a terribly inconsiderate lover, that’s really no different for a woman than for a man to have to deal with. If you decide you truly want to have a sex life and no longer want to simply (1) Tolerate it, then the options that remain are (2) Cheating, (3) Divorce and finding a new partner, or ideally (4) He changes for the better.
So bust out the exercise, dress a little better, pull a little extra male attention, display that you have a libido and do all the basic stuff I tell the guys. As an aside though, if he’s bossing you about with impunity, you’re in Phase One of the MAP. Give yourself a little time to get things done. Once you increase your Sex Rank, he will become more interested in pleasing you in bed.


  1. Ian Ironwood says:

    Excellent post, Athol.

    One of the misconceptions of taking the Red Pill is that suddenly the man gets whatever he wants and the woman has to learn to like it. That's BS. The point is to find a more fulfilling life for you both, in your sex life in particular. The wonderful sex life doesn't just magically spring into being, it's a step-by-step process of building trust. These women are doing these things for their men not because their men tell them to, they're doing them because they are sufficiently erotically engaged to be eager to do them.

    He might want more BJ/HJ. Who doesn't? But if he's not inspiring you to give them by having a high SR and honestly earning your respect and attractiveness through demonstrating his effective leadership in the rest of your life, or ignoring your sexual needs and desires, then you're not gonna want to fall to your knees every time he wants. That's OK. I'm not saying cut the guy off, but Athol's tit for tat is the proper approach. A woman should feel challenged by her husband's SR, and part of that is his skill as a lover. And part of that is his ability to understand her particular kinks, preferences and desires and incorporate them into a mutually agreeable and constantly challenging erotic narrative.

    You can't go from first gear to fifth gear. He has to earn your respect by listening to what you want, and once he's willing to be open to that then you'll naturally be a lot more willing to do what he likes. The Captain has to take the welfare and happiness of the First Officer (and the rest of the crew) into account in order do a respectable job. If he is not attempting to engage your erotic imagination, then he's not doing his job properly. And you have every right to call that to his attention.

    And when you do decide that you want to give him what he wants, but not necessarily how he wants it, tell him what I tell Mrs. Ironwood: "You can ask me to do something, but then you can't tell me how to do it." Works both ways.

    Good luck!

  2. Ping Jockey says:

    It seems that women have the hardest time understanding this simple fact: no matter how much your man dearly and truly loves you, HE IS NOT PSYCHIC AND CANNOT READ YOUR MIND! If you want your lovemaking and sex in a particular way, THEN SAY SO. Communication is important in any relationship, remember? Women have been yammering about this simple fact for decades, so why don't they practice what they preach?
    We men also DO NOT understand 'signals'! By 'signals', I mean when women perform an ambiguous act that can mean ANYTHING — like hugging you in private, squeezing your shoulder (Jeff Foxworthy did a comedy routine on this), etc. And the maddening and most frustrating thing that we men encounter about 'signals' is the deniability that women maintain about them from one day/time to the next.

  3. It's probably tough to recognize it when you are in the middle of it, but as a male and as an outsider, if you are continuing to give BJ's and HJ's (which is wonderful of you by the way) without getting what you need, he has no reason to change anything.

    He's living the dream!

    Good Luck

  4. "My husband is all for the BJs and handjobs but he is very particular as to how they are done and he wants them to go on a lot longer than sometimes I have the stamina,jaw and mouth strength for or even interest in. I find myself wishing he would just cum already and sometimes partway through I just feel utterly bored."

    The bolded portion is a red flag, in my opinion. I would bet my left arm the husband masturbates a lot—or watches a fair amount of porn—and has desensitized his cock to his wife's attentions.

    Have the hubby throw out his porn stash and quit masturbating—he'll be cumming in no time.

  5. I'm with you on the communication front, but it seems in this case that she did try to communicate and is frustrated that his desires are more important than hers, apparently.

    The whole point of signals is the plausible deniability! There's a lot of reasons behind that, as you probably know, but they're not signals if there's not deniability.

  6. I have read that having more sex will lead you to want more sex – but that of course assumes the sex is nice enough to motivate you to want more sex. Perhaps the gentleman read that advice and is now diligently putting it into action!

    Some people – I know of at least one man – really don't like foreplay. If you are such a person, it's best to fess up before attachment / marriage so the other person has a choice about staying.

    Also, some guys are really good at holding back – perhaps this is the reason it takes so long.

    Why people do stuff is complicated, but once married you really need to find some common ground….

    My last observation is that change often happens slowly. It is best to be steadfast, but offer positive feedback in other areas so the target of change does not feel unappreciated!

  7. Jean-Luc LeGame says:

    I agree with this. Real-life sex and blowjobs become infinitely more pleasurable when you quit the porn and masturbation. If you get off twice a day by jacking off to pornography it's going to take a lot longer to come from a blowjob today even if the giver is skilled and eager. If you make your wife/girlfriend your only sexual release then I have a hard time believing anyone would really take all that long to reach release.

  8. It sounds like this is the male version of "Give the Dangerous Bitch Her Chocolate"; behavior modification through BJs. When he does something you like, make sure he knows it in a way that will register.

    It is very frustrating when a woman wants a certain dynamic in the marriage and is very willing to be frequently sexual but finds her husband unwilling to make changes that occur outside of the bedroom in order for her to be interested in sexual things.

    The more I read the more I am realizing the only options are for her to up her sex rank, tolerate it the way it is, cheat, or leave.

  9. Not necessarily. I am not into porn. I've watched it a handful (ha!) of times in our marriage–like maybe twice per year–and it can take me a while for my wife to get me off. We've taken up to 45 minutes of constant attention before. It's often closer to 15 minutes, but almost never under that unless I've been starved of all sexual contact for several days.

    I think it's partly because she's just not into it and has done it in a bored and lazy way (that's changing now) and partly because she gained a lot of weight (also changing). A fat chick giving you a duty BJ takes a lot of the thrill out of it and prolongs it.

  10. She did "try" to communicate? in the words of that sage philosopher Yoda, "Do, or do not. There is no try".

    She didn't communicate to him. She needs to plan in out more. Running her version of the map, and then blowing the main conversation when it comes up will make it for nothing.

    Most women claim to have "communicated" their wishes to some poor clueless man. But they actually communicated in a way that another woman would have picked up, but not most men.

  11. Ashley Meyer says:

    It's hard to ask for what you want in any area of your life. In order to get comfortable asking for the type of orgasms you want and when you want them, try asking for things in other areas of your life too. Even if you aren't granted what you asked for, the act of asking will become more comfortable over time.

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