Reader: It seems that the last few posts and many of the husband’s comments and replies to comments run along the same theme. The theme is that the sexual relationship has improved if the frequency increases and especially if they are getting more BJs and handjobs (and maybe throw in a different position).
I can see where this might be more pleasurable for the guy but don’t see how this is all that much more pleasurable for the woman. She gives him more orgasms but she gets what?
My husband is all for the BJs and handjobs but he is very particular as to how they are done and he wants them to go on a lot longer than sometimes I have the stamina,jaw and mouth strength for or even interest in. I find myself wishing he would just cum already and sometimes partway through I just feel utterly bored. It doesn’t make me want to do this for him as often as he would like. He also pokes and pulls on my breasts during these times not to get my interest but because he is using that to add to his stimulation.
I have asked for several changes to add to our sex life (sex toys, learn more ideas for sexual together time,play a sexy game,etc.). He will never do any of this and then wonders why he doesn’t get the frequency he’d like from intercourse. He just says he has no interest in those things and we just need to have sex more often (and I_ just need to give him a BJ or handjob more often).
As a shy wife it has taken a lot of effort to even let him know what I would like to do to pique my interest and since he doesn’t seem to want to do any of those things I am now embarrassed I said anything. I also look at some of these “success” stories and wonder why I don’t get all excited at the idea of giving more BJs or handjobs. It seems like these wives are all wildly turned on now but I don’t understand the transition or why the things they weren’t doing before now turn them on!!
He doesn’t like to kiss much or do slow sexy neck kissing or anything like lifting my mouth up for a kiss. I miss that kind of stuff.
He just says we need to have sex more frequently (complains about me) but what he means by sex is more handjobs,more BJs ,no kissing,little foreplay and intercourse in a perfunctory way. I tried to do it his way for three weeks whenever he wanted it and he seemed to like it just fine but I ended up bored and depressed. He probably felt things were going a whole lot better in the sex dept. but they weren’t for me so I just dropped off on most of it again.
I guess I’d like to feel wildly turned on like these improved marriages show but don’t know how to get there.
Athol: The problem for most of my readers is that the wife has a higher Sex Rank than they do and that causes the lack of attention they get from their wife. So when they increase their Sex Rank, their wife becomes more interested in them.
For you, I suspect you have something similar going on. At the very least he doesn’t seem all that interested in you in the bedroom. So let’s have a look at things you can potentially change.
The first thing to understand is that your orgasm and sexual enjoyment, is your responsiblity. Yes indeed it takes two to tango, but in the end the person that makes your orgasm happen is you. You have to say what works for you, and you have to stand up for yourself and demand it.
Secondly if you don’t like the sex, you don’t have to do it. I know I talk about all kinds of different sex acts on the blog, and I also say that only about 30% of what you try as a couple works. It sounds like you’re living in the 70% of stuff that doesn’t work for you, far more than the 30% that does work.
The third piece of the puzzle is that you keep giving him the sex that he wants, when you aren’t getting the sex that you want. So while your talk is saying you don’t want this to be happening, your actions are saying that you don’t mind doing it. So you’re actually training him to give you awful sex.
As a practical model of having sex….
If Jennifer wants an orgasm or two on any given night, 99.99% of the time she gets her orgasms before I get mine. The reason for this is simply, once I have my orgasm the sex is over. That sounds very self-centered, but the practical reality is that I typical lapse into a 5-10 nap within 1-2 minutes of orgasming, so I can’t really help Jennifer anymore lol. Also the end goal of having sex is squirting a bunch of semen up the vagina, so I think most people get that once the guy shoots his rocket off, that the sex is over. So anyway, if Jennifer wants an orgasm, it’s however she wants it.
If Jennifer doesn’t want an orgasm, I just don’t give a crap about trying to get her one. It’s pretty much the direct road to whatever I want that night to get me off.
Now to be sure, I really really like getting Jennifer off, but it’s very hard work getting her off when she’s not really wanting it, too tired or still too sore from the jumper cables and the butter the night before. Plus it’s not that much fun for her either. I always offer them to her, but in the end her orgasm is her responsiblity not mine.
I know Jennifer gets that lockjaw thing happening with blowjobs and I’m pretty sure her hands get tired with handjobs sometimes too (though she does know me well enough to get it done in under two minutes whether I want to hold back on cumming or not), but she doesn’t mind that nearly as much because she is also getting what she wants sexually. Sometimes I do stuff for her that she likes but I’m ho-hum about, sometimes she does stuff for me that I like but she’s ho-hum about. It’s Tit for Tat, but we’re swapping a good sex Tit for a good sex Tat. Win-Win.
So coming back to you…
Your sex is a Win-Lose at the moment. He’s getting everything he wants and you’re getting nothing you want. So the solution is fairly simple to think about doing. On any night you don’t get what you want, the next night don’t give him what he wants. On any night you get what you want, the next night give him what he wants. Ideally you both get what you want on the same night and repeat it into the future.
Understand that once you’re starting a blowjob or a handjob, you’re pretty much committing to finishing it off. Obviously you can just stop giving one, but it’s going to inflame things if you get him halfway and stop. So if you haven’t gotten what you wanted by the time you started heading him to an orgasm, you aren’t getting one yourself that night.
Also the whole other level of things to do is run the MAP yourself. If he’s truly a terribly inconsiderate lover, that’s really no different for a woman than for a man to have to deal with. If you decide you truly want to have a sex life and no longer want to simply (1) Tolerate it, then the options that remain are (2) Cheating, (3) Divorce and finding a new partner, or ideally (4) He changes for the better.
So bust out the exercise, dress a little better, pull a little extra male attention, display that you have a libido and do all the basic stuff I tell the guys. As an aside though, if he’s bossing you about with impunity, you’re in Phase One of the MAP. Give yourself a little time to get things done. Once you increase your Sex Rank, he will become more interested in pleasing you in bed.