Family Money

Reader:  Athol, and everyone else, I am curious how this plays out when you have inherited money in addition to income. I will soon start to work as a lawyer and I will start at about $90-100,000 a year and over time go up to about $260,000 a year. My parents are very wealthy and will transfer most of my inheritance which is about $8-9 million soon and we have a great summer house and a cottage in the mountains. I am thinking the sex rank will somehow be influenced differently if money is inherited rather than made all by yourself. It should add a lot of value because it is a lot of money but would add less as I haven`t achieved anything to acquire it. But as I will be making a lot myself there will be a mix of value adding types of money. Also I guess there might be some sort of value adding old money class thing to this as well although I am guessing that would be slight as where I live people are rather blind to class unlike in countries such as England and France.
There are some complicating factors in assessing the impacts of money as well. I know I could easily start going to the poshest clubs and get women that are looking for men with means but I dislike such women. The type of woman I am likely to meet and to like would be someone who just expects a guy with an education and a fairly good income. I am guessing the value contribution of the money goes down with such women although it will still be there.
I actually dislike the fact that my inherited money will impact a woman’s initial attraction to me and so I have always kept it secret. It feels more okay that it adds to an already established attraction. This will be more difficult now because I am buying an awesome loft apartment that very few my age would be able to afford. Women also tend to ask if you have loans on your apartment to which I would have to answer no. So unlike before they will now start to figure out very early that I have parents with at least quite a lot of money. Any comment on this by anyone will be highly appreciated.
Another complicating SMV factor in my case is that I majored in something else, worked a little bit and then started law school which in my country can be started straight after high school. This puts me years behind others my age in terms of career advancement but I guess won`t matter as much because when I start working I will already be a lawyer after two years of being an assistant lawyer while many who start out need years to get to do the work they want to be doing and a lawyer is still a lawyer (at least if he makes good money and works for a good company). Also I am dating women about 8-10 years younger than me right now and I will be ahead of them career wise anyway.
Athol:  Okay I gotta tease you a little upfront… your problem is you’re going to get 8-9 million dollars? LOL fuck you.  :-P
Joking aside though, this really is a potential relationship pitfall and a quite serious one. The biggest issue is the incentive for a woman to marry you with the express intention to eventually divorce you to get half of the money. And while not all women are like that, but there’s enough of them willing to do anything to get $4 million that you do need to worry someone is faking her interest in you from the get go.
The only solution to that is as you made clear in your later comment, your parents won’t even let you get the money yourself, unless you have a prenup that protects the money from such a situation. Your parents are absolutely perfect in their approach as it saves you from having to bring up the prenup as a relationship issue, and frames them as the bad guys. That’s a real gift from them.
I think the inherited money does seem less personally impressive that money you earn yourself. I think it frames your parents/father as Alpha more than it does you, but it’s still unquestionably pretty big cheese. Your solution to that particular issue is to find your own personal frame and play that to the hilt. I think the whole becoming a lawyer and standing on your own two feet thing is fine for that. It’s okay that you’re a couple years behind the normal career curve.
My advice is to not overly worry about looking for women. Just do whatever it is that you want to be doing for you, and when you’re in the middle of doing that, look around and see who the women are that are also doing it. Being interested in you and being interested in the same things as you, tends to have a fair amount of overlap. At the very least, you’ll be running into women that are actually self-motivated to do something, rather than ovulating gold diggers at the club. Over the long term a self-motivated woman saves a ton of relationship problems compared to one that desires to be propped up upon a pink cushion and waited on.
And not for nothing… if you find yourself working with a well kept, intelligent, sane woman in her 40′s or 50′s… maybe she has a daughter… 

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Interesting subject Athol! But what about girls coming from wealthy families? Any dating advice? I'm 23 and still at uni. I find that boys who are aware of my family's financial situation behave really weird about it. They ask me out but want to split the bill although it normally never happens in my country. One guy even said once that maybe I can pay! And my parents don't spoil me at all because they don't want me to lose motivation so I never have much money for going out… I work part time so I have my own money and it's not a lot. I practically broke with my ex over this because he would never even buy me a drink if we were out and it just felt so extremely rude. He was ridculously cheap. I like guys who are romantic and who want to take care of me. I don't mean anything expensive. I'm now going into a lot of trouble to make sure no guy can tell for sure that my family has money. But I'm a generous person and I like to get gifts for my friends, or invite them over to play boardgames or watch dvds and it feels so uncomfortable not to be able to have them come over and see my house! Do you think guys might want to take advantage of me and date me because of the money? Is that even possible? I really love your blog Athol & Jennifer! it's really funny and has some great insights into the male-femal attraction dynamics :) I hope that my question isn’t too off topic… Ewa

  2. Anonymous says:

    Just look at the guy across the table, smile, and tell him how it great it is that he wants to be FRIENDS. Pay your half and then tell him you'll see him around.

    In college, people don't date, they hang out and hook up. The real romantic stuff happens when you enter the working world, and guys start earning a decent paycheck.

  3. Athol Kay says:
  4. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for the answer Athol! Yes, it is quite the "problem". Actually my great grandfather and grandfather made the money and it comes from my mothers side. So I don`t have a father alpha overshadowing me or something like that.

    I am not really scared about goldiggers. It`s not the type of woman I typically meet and enjoy the company of. Also after learning about game I have learnt to read womens body language and interest level in ways I never knew were possible, so I am confident I can be certain the woman I end up with is genuinely interested in me. She also, most likely, won`t know about it when we first meet. I also prefer intellectual types and want my woman to have her own stuff to do so I think I´ll avoid the bored housewife thing as well. My challenges lie more in dealing with personal insecurities and bad beta programming that can come sneaking up over time in a relationship despite having learned outer game.

    It might have sounded like I am in wife hunter mode but I actually plan on being single for the next few years. After learning about game I want to develop that more, work on inner game and my career for a bit before I get into a relationship.

    Thanks again for the advice. Your blog has made me view marriage much more optimistically.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for your advice but I have to disagree Anon. It's no big deal to buy someone tea and cake and it's romantic if the guy invites you out. I'd like to have a boyfriend but I'm not really a hooking up kind of girl, I'm looking for some comitment and would prefer a young gentleman who is seriously interested in me rather than looking to hook up with anyone who's keen. I guess Athol's advice is just to be modest and normal about it all… Thanks for your insights anyway, very much appreciated.
    E.

  6. Anonymous says:

    E, I was not suggesting that you hang & hook up, was just simply pointing out the general culture of college kids.

    When I was in school, no one was looking for romance at that stage because we were all excited about getting started on our careers, putting our new degrees/diplomas to work. Besides, where you find your first job may be hundreds of miles away from where your boyfriend finds his.

    I wish you luck in finding Mr. Right; I just think you're more likely to find him out in the professional world. (Also, men in their early 20's are rarely ready for serious commitment, as they are trying to get their careers going first.)

  7. That brings up an interesting topic. Aside from money, how does one's family play into the alpha/beta dynamic? I live in a rural town and come from two large families that have been well established in our area for over a century. Nobody is uber-wealthy, nobody is going to get a million dollar inheritance, most of the family works in blue collar occupations(oil field, construction) but they are also mostly small business owners and have succesfull careers and marriages. At Christmas and Thanksgiving we have about 75-80 people (counting kids) show up at my grandparents and of that group there is one lawyer and one state legislator, just about everyone else has an office job or something that requires them to get dirt under their fingernails.

    Like I said, nobody is super wealthy, but at the same time you can't be introduced to a stranger within a 30 mile radius where somebody doesn't say, "Hey, are you related to so-and-so?" Generally speaking it is hard to find anyone with a negative impression of the family name, and from a young age this is discussed with children, as well as their responsibility for maintaining the respect associated with that name.

    When my wife and I started dating, it was in a town far away from here where my last name didn't mean anything. But as she got to know my family, being part of that social network was clearly a bonus for her in our relationship, and I'm fine with that. When we started having children we decided to relocate to be closer to my family, and now we live on a 30 acre patch of land (lest that sound extremely plush, you can buy land for $1000 per acre around here), with households of cousins, aunts, and uncles within a mile's radius and a lot more within a 10 mile radius. Much of our social life is centered around family events.

    I am a business owner and my wife helps with my business while running her own business on the side, our money and customer base doesn't come from the local population so we don't really trade in monetarily on the family name in any way. I am more techy/geeky than most of the family (to put that in perspective, I'm one of the few male members of the family who has never competed in a pro rodeo event… so it's not like there is a high bar to clear to be the family 'tech/geek').

    Anyway, as I have delved into the manosphere and learned more about the Alpha and the Beta, I have often wondered how this dynamic plays into it. In addition to the qualities I bring to the marriage through my own actions, there is a bit of Alpha bonus from the positive name association, and a bit of Beta bonus from the safe and extended social network to plug into (want to get your living room painted in 2 hours? just let the family know you are going to be painting this weekend and half a dozen people will show up to help).

  8. As someone with very little extended family, I must say that the type of social network you describe, is more than a bit Beta. The comfort and security coming from that community support cannot be underestimated, especially to a woman who is a mother or planning to be one. That much family togetherness could come with its own problems but I think it is quite Alpha to be able to get along well with all those people, many of whom have such different interests and personalities.

    The trouble is that the situation you describe seems to be a rare one now, at least in the US, so most men are not going to be able to bank on such a commodity and most women can not reasonably expect such a thing.

  9. Anonymous says:

    To have a woman enter your world is in itself attractive. WHat you are describing IMO is a quite powerful version of that. It is also YOUR family and so she sort of has to be a little bit submissive to it because they are so close, interwoven with her life and so many. That submissiveness to them translates to submissiveness to you. ITs not a big thing, but it is there.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Ha, ha..fuck this guy and his "problem."

  11. Anonymous says:

    To the rich guy: If your strategy is to hide your wealth from new women you meet (a good strategy), then perhaps you should forego the swanky apartment. If you really don't want to forego the swanky apartment, just lie about how much it cost. Really. Don't feel guilty lying about your finances! Sharing that information really is an intimate thing, and even though people throw around money questions, they don't necessarily expect a frank or even honest response.
    - 29 year old woman with an inheritance

  12. Deborah says:

    If women are asking about your finances very early in the relationship, that's a warning sign all its own. When things start to get serious, it makes sense that she'll want some reassurance that she's getting involved with someone who's financially responsible, but if she's asking those kinds of questions before any hint that things are becoming serious, she's being nosy and you should just let her know that you prefer not to discuss your finances until you're further along in the relationship. Of course, that goes both ways; you can't ask about her financial habits until you're ready to discuss yours.

  13. Anonymous says:

    OP:

    An ex of mine was extremely wealthy. He didn't actively hide it, but it also wasn't anything he openly discussed. He told me once that I was the only girl he'd ever expressly told about his finances — and that only came several months into our relationship.

    I asked him why he told me at all, and he replied, "Because it hasn't changed the way you think about me. I knew it wouldn't. I can tell."

    I don't have that kind of money, but I grew up around it: one of my closest friends has a father who owns a dental insurance company. I guess stories about my childhood and meeting some of my friends gave him the confidence that I wasn't easily blinded by the green. I don't know. Whatever it is, he saw something in me that told him that his 'secret' was safe with me.

    He was a pretty smart cookie. Ultimately he moved back to Australia to be with his family — a move I couldn't make because of how close I am to my siblings (not because I started demanding diamonds and porches, lol ;) ). If you're landing such a well-paying job as a lawyer in the state the economy is in at present (I have many lawyer-to-be friends who bemoan the job shortage in your field constantly), then you must be a pretty smart cookie too.

    There will be pitfalls, of course. I would advise dating a woman for quite a while before deciding to make a commitment to her — or before sharing information about your finances with her. But at the end of the day, as a smart cookie, I think you'll be okay. Just as my ex did, you will learn to tell who is either avaricious or easily cowed by that amount of money.

    Have you spoken to your parents about this? As they've dealt with the issue first hand, they might have some advice on the matter as well, far better than what we can give!

  14. Linanati says:

    Stumbled on this article about three months late, but better late than never, right?

    My first thought was – oh, to have this guy’s problem!

    My second thought was – no way on earth! If my parents had an inheritance to leave me, they’d use it to try to control me, and to control my husband as well. They’d try to dictate our religious beliefs, where we live, how we raise our children, whether or not we have a pet in the house, etc. They’d use it as leverage to interfere in our marriage and every other aspect of our life. If my parents had an inheritance to leave me, I’d refuse to accept it because I know the strings that would be attached.

    He’s lucky if his parents are normal, sane people who will allow him to live his own life without holding his inheritance over his head. They probably are since they are willing to give it to him now.

    To the man who asked the original question: you are so fortunate. And not because of the money. You should send your parents a card or take them out to dinner or something. Then, when you’re ready, go choose your wife carefully. :-)

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