If She Wants Orgasms… That’s Not A Problem

Reader:  Hi Athol,  First of all, thank you for your site and your book.  I picked it up last year and it’s opened my eyes to some things and reinforced other things that I was already doing right.  My wife and I are now up to 3-4 times a week up from a low of a couple times a month a couple years ago and zero times over the course of a year during a high risk pregnancy and severe post partum depression.  It took a while, but we’re getting there.
So here’s a question maybe you can give me an opinion on.  Sometimes in the morning my wife will notice my erection and offer me a quickie.  I’m not usually for morning sex, but I’m not going to turn it down either.  So here’s the thing, she’ll grab the lube and bend over and tell me not to worry about her and just go fast and hard because she’s really not in the mood.  So I do and it feels great.  After I’m done, I’ll leave, and get ready for work.  But a couple times I’ve come back to the bedroom and caught her with her vibrator finishing herself off under the covers.  So here’s the question, was she really not in the mood and the fast and hard just got her horny?  Or was she horny and didn’t really feel like a big production and just wanted me to slam her?  If she wanted an orgasm, I’d be happy to try and last a bit longer for her to catch up or help her out after I was done.  I can’t imagine having sex with her, bringing her to an orgasm then leaving and jerking off in the bathroom to finish myself off.  Doesn’t make sense to me.
Do I just need to remind myself that I’m having regular sex, she’s offering it, and I’m not responsible for her orgasms and leave it at that?  Most of the times we do finish together, but sometimes she does things that make me scratch my head.  After going through long periods of sexual rejection, I tend to over analyze things that are sometimes nothing at all.  All I know is I’m not going back to how it was.
Athol:  Sounds like you’re over thinking it a little.
I suspect she starts off not feeling all that horny, but by the time you are done with her, she’s gotten horny and some of the way to an orgasm. So she decides to finish the orgasm off herself.
This is just fine as she’s taking responsibility for her orgasms, and you don’t have to worry about whether or not she’s faking interest in you or is just tolerating the sex. She’s putting the moves on you so she’s obviously interested. It may just take her longer to get to orgasm than is convenient to get done during the morning routine.
What you should do when you catch her getting herself off like this, is get involved with it. Kiss her deeply, pull her hair, tweak her nipples, slide the covers off her and tell her you want to watch. Put your cock in her mouth. Whatever works to make it hotter for her.
Also check into where she is in her cycle when she just happens to offer a morning quickie. Maybe she’s ovulating and is in her horny time of the month.
Jennifer:  Not making a big deal of it and not trying to take it over is good.

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Or what if she is using that alone time to fantasize about the real cock that she wants? :(

    (Speaking of over thinking… I hate it when I over think, but I have been bitten quite badly when I did not spend enough time thinking and was taking things at face value).

  2. Athol Kay says:

    It sounds like she has had increasing interest in her husband and becoming basically more horny.

    If you want to talk about your issue you can.

  3. Anonymous says:

    From a female perspective, morning sex is iffy. I usually slip out of bed to brush my teeth and pee, a general freshening up, then crawl back into bed.

    A vibrator doesn't mind morning breath, and there's no need for cuddle action afterwards.

    –Jaz71

  4. Anonymous says:

    i think men project their orgasm-centered sexuality onto women falsely. for women orgasms are largely 1. preparatory or 2. a bonus. i have trouble getting this across to my husband. i offer him quickies when he needs it and im not feelin' it, he insists on the whole shebang or nothing most of the time. he can't conceive of the joy i take in just being sexually close and providing him release. also, if we haven't had sexytime in a while and my engines a little cold, he will always attempt to jump right to giving me an orgasm when want i want is to "be made sexy" with flirting and massaging and lowtalking sexy words, in other words, warmed up. none of this is to complain, we have a great sex life, but there are a few persistent gender miscommunications surrounding this issue.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Athol, you nailed it, so to speak. I love morning sex but there's not enough time for the long sex session needed for me to get off. Quick and fast, I know he's happy, which makes me happy, and if I get revved up enough, I can knock mine out in a few minutes with the vibrator. I agree your writer is overthinking it.

  6. "I think men project their orgasm-centered sexuality onto women…" This is a very good point, and has caused some confusion for us too. Not that women don't like or want orgasms, just that they do not ALWAYS require an orgasm – sometimes they are happy just to be close to their husband, do something he enjoys, etc.

  7. This is a good post and your advice is right on, as is your answer to the first anon poster (I highly doubt she is fantasising about some other man – wtf?)

    Making a problem where there isn't one is counter-productive; the more he accepts her sexuality, the more comfortable she will get and then the more she will desire him. The morning quickie is obviously getting her warmed up and being able to give him release is helping her to feel sexy and sexual. This will probably increase her desire for more later. This all sounds very positive to me! A woman bonds to a man who is very accepting of her sexuality.

  8. ""I think men project their orgasm-centered sexuality onto women…" This is a very good point, and has caused some confusion for us too. Not that women don't like or want orgasms, just that they do not ALWAYS require an orgasm – sometimes they are happy just to be close to their husband, do something he enjoys, etc."

    I think anyone reading this can realize what a double-bind this puts men into.

    First, sure there are women who are down with not having an orgasm every time, but there are other women who aren't, or who view that attitude as an untenable legacy of patriarchy. Given the well-understood difficulty of getting many women to state their sexual needs, it's unwise to assume she's OK with him having all the orgasms.

    Secondly, almost any man who has been in a relationship or married will tell you at least one story of the passive-aggressive communication for which women have made themselves famous – the typical "what's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong!" [later tells him she's angry he's not reading her mind against her words.]

    So a guy may get all the vibes that she's cool with him blowing and bouncing, she might even tell him so, and then find out months or years later how hurt she was that he never stayed to finish her off. Esp if he comes upon her taking care of her own business after he finished and left, suggesting the desire was there but he wasn't getting the job done (whole lot of unintended puns in there).

    Us beta-oriented guys don't want to be like the guys who think it's all about them, we want her to get the most out of the experience. Frankly, if she doesn't we might as well just jerk off.

    So try to see form our perspective instead of blasting an "orgasm-centric reality" – to hear women tell us orgasms are "a bonus" sounds like a setup for a martyr complex with us as the bad guy.

  9. I don't think any women are okay with "him having all the orgasms." I was just trying to make the point that SOME wives may not need to have an orgasm SOME of the time, but still can enjoy the sex and being intimate with their husbands. I appreciate that nice guys want their wives to be happy and enjoy the experience – just trying to point out that "being happy" and "enjoying the experience" can mean different things to men and women. Open communication is key, but it can be difficult and requires both spouses to work at it. I admit that for many years I did not know how to communicate what I wanted. But, I am trying to learn, grow and be more direct and my husband is too. I appreciate all that I have learned from this site.

  10. Athol Kay says:

    Ya'll got to remember that in this case they went from ZERO sex to sex 3-4 times a week.

    Try not to over think that! :-D

  11. Anonymous says:

    another good point to remember it's that it went SLOWLY from 0 to 3-4. Major red flag if it goes from nothing to wanting it all the time, and you catch her wearing out the D cells. Then there is probably some other man she is either banging, or having an EA with.

  12. Anonymous says:

    I have a problem that isn't related to the above.

    My boyfriend (not husband, but we've been together a decade and might as well be married) is about 100 pounds heavier than I am, and is pretty strong because he has a physical job. He's not an aggressive person; actually, he's mostly a pretty gentle guy. But sometimes he gets into physical, playful moods. So, he'll come over and just pick me up off the ground, kiss me, and then set me down. Or he'll come over, pin me down and tickle me. Normally, this is pretty sexy and cool. But sometimes he goes too far, doesn't understand his own strength, and I get hurt.

    Recently, on an occasion where he picked me up for a kiss, he leaned back and nearly lost his balance. And in an alarmed tone of voice, I told him, "Don't! I'm going to fall." He got this cheeky look on his face, then deliberately dipped me back and said, "Don't do this?" Then he lost his balance. My back slammed against the corner of the fridge, and I wound up on the kitchen floor, dazed and in pain. He was really sorry, and I think he just misjudged his own strength. But since then whenever he picks me up, I get really nervous. =/ It's not comforting anymore.

    Similarly, sometimes when he pins me down, he puts his weight on my body in a way that either hurts or makes it hard to breathe. So, pretty quickly, things can go from 'silly fun' to 'please get off, this really hurts' and he seems slow to understand the urgency of getting off immediately if I tell him he's hurting me. Like he thinks that we're still playing and that he's being cheeky by continuing to pin me down.

    I've explained to him that while I don't mind physical play that when I tell him in an alarmed tone of voice that something hurts or I'm afraid, that means the game is over. But he doesn't seem to get that this is serious for me. How can I make him understand that while /controlled/ shows of strength can be sexy or comforting, stuff like this makes me feel unsafe or afraid?

  13. Anonymous says:

    men who put up with passive aggressive cunty behavior get it. im not a cunt, for one, so my husband doesn't have to worry about that but if i did ever act like that he'd leave me in one second, actually– he never would have married me. he shit-tested the hell out of me for that kind of behavior before he even considered marriage. obviously i was only describing what happens with us. in OUR case i know for 100% with him that its his projection of his orgasm-centric sexuality. obviously you have to know your own partner's personality type. lucky for us we are an ENTJ-INTJ pairing and understand each other pretty well and we are very open and analytical about our sex life with each other

    that you read "blasting" into my clinical, robotic typing comes off like post traumatic stress syndrome, quite frankly–i am sorry women exist who act like that and turn decent men into men who have to live in fear of their revolting moods, grudges and crotchets

  14. Anonymous says:

    This is obviously fun for him. Good or bad, he's getting a reaction from you. But since you've set the limits, if he continues to cross them, I'd take a good long look at how much you can trust this guy. No means No.

  15. Hello Candice here – I had the same issue with a larger partner. I was getting quite traumatised. In a serious moment I told my then partner we needed a "safe word" and for convenience this would be "NO". Whenever I said this he had to stop immediately and vice versa. I explained it was for his advantage as well, as he hated me doing certain things (e.g. teasing by pulling ears etc) to him and could now stop me immediately.

    You need to link his compliance with an advantage for him (even if you have to do something unpleasant that he will not to stop) and also explain, perhaps several times, your concerns. I'd suggest you do this in as nice a way as possible, e.g. "I really like that you are strong and manly but ….".

    The safe word worked fairly well, but he started to push the boundaries in ways I could not tolerate. I then moved to being ANGRY – "I MEAN WHAT I SAY. NO MEANS NO. YOU NEED THE SAFE WORD AS WELL". Even a small angry woman is scary to a man as they all have mothers who got angry at times…

    Good luck – I am sure Athol will have some good advice as well! C :-)

  16. Anonymous says:

    "Or what if she is using that alone time to fantasize about the real cock that she wants? :("

    Masturbation always includes fantasies. But you have no more need to stress over this than she does about you having your moment in the shower with Christina Hendricks. Fantasy is not reality.

    –Jaz71

  17. Anonymous says:

    (I'm the original poster.)

    Yeah, a safe word might be a good idea, thanks. Maybe this is confusion between 'playful no' (like when someone is tickling you) versus 'serious no?' I figured my tone of voice was pretty clear, though.

    I think the main problem is that he doesn't understand why it's a big deal for me, probably because when I playfully 'pin him down' in a similar way if he doesn't like something I'm doing he can easily get free.

    He's otherwise pretty trustworthy and he doesn't behave like that during sex. (Like, if I said 'no' to sex, or didn't like something sexual he was doing, he wouldn't press it at all. He'd back off.) It's just during a particular playful mood that he gets like this.

    The situation reminds me of a story his mother told me about this pet cat he had. When he was a little boy (three or four) he loved cuddling, but he'd squeeze so hard that the cat wouldn't like it and would scratch him. He didn't understand; he was just trying to express his affection. But his mom ended up having to give away the cat.

  18. Anonymous says:

    I'm the guy who send the original question to Athol. My wife has said to me on more than one occasion that she doesn't always need to orgasm. When I see her have a giant one, I'm wondering "why wouldn't you want that all the time?" But I'm not a woman so there you go. I don't need to understand it, just accept that's the way it is.

    One thing I need to keep reminding myself is that my wife has a VERY responsive sexual desire. She literally does not seem to think of sex at all unless it's brought to her attention. This also means that she's rarely "in the mood" for sex, but usually not too difficult to warm her up to the idea. So really, it shouldn't surprise me that she's now warmed up after I'm done with a quicky. I'll see if she wants me to be a part of her morning thing, if not we still have the great afternoon and evening sex together. It's not like I don't masturbate on my own sometimes too.

    Took me way too long to figure the responsive desire thing out. After 15 years you'd think you know someone inside out, but really what you "know" is just your interpretation of what you see and this can be clouded by past experiences and biases, etc.

    Oh well, we're getting there. We're both getting better at communicating what we want from each other and it's building a better relationship than we've ever had.

  19. Candice says:

    Hello Candice again – your partner sounds like a good man, just a little dense when it comes to walking in the other person's shoes. I'd still suggest you try to explain the whole thing to him in detail and very clearly. You may need to explain this several times. Draw on his basic decency and the restraint he shows during sex.

    It sounds like he is confusing "no" and "no". Men can have difficulty reading non-verbal clues. Given "no" may be used in other circumstances, another safe word may be necessary and you may consider three – warning (yellow), slow down (orange) and stop (red). I'm borrowing from the BDSM community here – they are good with safe word technique.

    Some communication hints -
    Look him in the eyes, don't let him turn away ("oi boyo, look at me, this is important!"), simple words, short sentances, only one theme per sentance. This communication tactic is designed to communicate with small boys, it works well with larger ones!

    I rememeber a 45 kg friend telling her 120 kg husband to be careful after he came up from behind and seized her waist: "Now darling, I am only small and fragile and you are very large and strong. You must be very careful otherwise you will break me!" Next time he went in to grab I saw him stop mid grab and move in. very. very. slowly.!

    As an aside, some men don't truly understand their strength, they shear off bolts when trying to do up the nut and the like. They can be trained – they just need to learn to be more self-aware.

    Good luck – he sounds like a keeper, he just needs training!

    :-) C

  20. tacomaster says:

    Why can't people come up with a screen name? It's irritating that we've got like 4 "anonymous" posters.

  21. Anonymous says:

    As Freud might have said, sometimes a quickie is just a quickie.

    My man likes a morning quickie sometimes. A few minutes. But I get wet easily, maybe other girls don't.

    OzGirl

  22. Anonymous says:

    Sorry, Tacomaster. I shall try to put up a proper screen name nest time.

    You can call me OzGirlie.

  23. Thanks, Badger. My first reaction to that post was, "Speak for yourself!" Being close is nice, but I can get that from cuddling. Sex is about orgasms for this woman.

  24. Stargate Girl says:

    I'm usually good to go anytime. :D Makes for a happy hubby and a happy me!

  25. Anonymous says:

    Gwen, I completely agree with you. Sex is to create babies or to get off.

    If I'm not in the mood for sex, I just say no. Sex without orgasm is like cooking a gourmet meal and then watching someone else eat it. You go hungry and your husband is not able to fully enjoy his meal because he wants to share the experience. Kind of like smoking a joint by yourself.

  26. Boombacca says:

    How about no abbreviations (ENTJ-INTJ, EA)?

  27. tacomaster says:

    ya, I didnt get the whole ENTJ-INTJ thing either Boombacca.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Making him happy is important to me. I'd rather he do it with me than with another girl I don't know about.

    OzGirlie

  29. Anonymous says:

    I don't mind sex without an orgasm. It keeps him sweet. I hate knocking him back.

    I don't orgasm very easily anyway.

    OzGirlie

  30. Anonymous says:

    ENTJ-INTJ is some kind of myers briggs personality typing system.

    STandUp Guy

  31. Amen to that Ozgirlie!

  32. It has been my experience that the more sex a woman has, the more she takes care of her business whereas the more sex a man has, the less he takes care of her business.

  33. I meant the more sex he has the less he masturbates.

  34. Anonymous says:

    I am an introvert and kind of nerdy for a girl. I am an INTP. I scrub up OK though and I am not a slob. My bf is introverted too, but a bit more pushy.

    Stands for Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving, IIRC :-)

    OzGirlie

  35. Anonymous says:

    I am hoping to marry this one. I don't want him to think I am lazy in bed when it comes to pleasing.

    He gets pretty much what he wants, when he wants.

    OzGirlie

  36. Athol Kay says:

    If you're an INTP you're in good company…

    … me!

  37. The MacNut says:

    Unless she's fantasizing about a man she has actual access to, like a neighbor, coworker, husband's best friend, etc. Fantasizes about someone close by are more likely to become reality than about some untouchable entertainer or pro athlete.

    The MacNut

  38. tacomaster says:

    I'll have to google that test and do it. I'm pretty extroverted so I'd be interested to see what it tells me I am.

  39. And here I had been guessing that you night be an INTJ, like my husband :-)

    Are you really an egghead as opposed to a mastermind?? :-)

    DH got me to take the little test last year…I'm an ENFP. It's rather startling how accurate the descriptions can be.

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